|Reviews for Kelas|
| Midorima Kazunari chapter 1 . 3/1/2014
Oh...that makes me feel all romantic. I feel like she is chasing him and at the same time being chased by him. The way you describe the chemistry between these two is poigant and seductive. I really appreciate that this story ended exactly where it needed to end.
Your vocabulary choices are particularly fascinating. Halycon, entralled, nocturne - the words almost form a song. I really enjoy your writing and the sparse dialogue is a very effective techinque. Great work!
| lotrprincess chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
Beautiful, sensuous, and poetic. I always enjoy an EdxNoa fic, but I've never seen one as well-written as this.
| Glades of Grey chapter 1 . 4/25/2013
Beautifully written... really wonderfully done!
| The Bitter Kitten chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
I really, really love this.
Your use of language here is exquisite. It's high melodrama and the best sort.
I like that you took this little scene and really just painted every single aspect of it. I like that since it's Ed's point of view, Noah is just this gloriously otherworldly creature of beauty and light and magic and music. I can see exactly how star struck he is, and it's wonderful.
The only nitpick I'd have is that you don't really need the line that she's as starstruck as he is. It's evident from his POV and it's just a little jarring. Likewise, I don't think you need the last two paragraphs. It's a bit telling when you've just shone in lovely detail.
I like that you set up the dichotomy between the two of them. Ed is by the books, black and white, and Noah is organic and freeflowing. I like that she eventually bridges that gap. It's so sweet that they're dancing to their own music and not anyone else's. Noah sort of toes that line of the manic pixie dream girl who breathes life and love into a stoic and sheltered boy, but this works. I think because of the heightened language and the sense that this is A Moment that's life-changing, life-affirming, I almost want to say holy (although that's going a little overboard. heh) Neither of them are going to be the same after this, no matter what happens.
It's just beautiful.
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
I’m very happy I finally got a chance to tag you! I certainly wasn’t expecting this and I enjoyed it immensely. You have a lovely style of writing, friend. I was floored by every single detail – you paint such a vivid, living picture of your world. It was intensely romantic and sweet.
If I could make one teensy-tiny suggestion (and I am certainly guilty of this myself) – I worry that sometimes your prose gets a tad too bogged down with too many adjectives and lengthy sentences. For instance, the paragraph that starts with “he smiled and his heart heaved..” contains several sentences that I feel could be shortened for clarity’s sake.
Like I said though, it really is such a small, nitpicky gripe so feel free to just wave it off. I’m not familiar with the fandom at all, but I didn’t need to be to adore this. The love he has for her is so.. tangible and so deeply laced in every single word. I also loved the subtle ways in which you mention the adoration of music as a significant theme in your prose.
I look forward to reading more from you, friend. This really was exquisite work.
| DjinniFires chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
This is a wonderful opening line: "He would never forget the night she taught him to dance." And your description of that night and how Ed and Noah experience do it justice.
I don't know this fandom, but now I want to. The opening paragraphs provide enough background on Ed's world of chemistry equations and physics theorems and Noah's internal music to characterize this contrasting couple well before the segue into the night in question.
The description throughout is romantic and evocative. The longer sentences create a rippling effect like the music they're dancing to. In the middle of the piece, when she's first drawing him into the dance, the description of their actions flows and is easy to visualize.
The second-to-last paragraph relates the importance of this night to their ongoing relationship in a satisfying way.
This story is so richly experienced in his point-of-view that this little slip into hers jarred me a bit: paragraph 11: "She smiled up at him, losing herself in his shimmering sunburst eyes" (he should lose himself in her eyes).
Sixth paragraph from the bottom and fourth from the bottom both use "snake" as a verb; it's such an unusual, strong choice that you probably want to use it just once.
Yes, I enjoyed reading this a lot. :)
| darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
Oh, this was so lovely! I have never read a Fullmetal Alchemist story and I barely know the fandom (actually not at all), but this story, I believe, is written so everyone can understand it. I really love when people can do that. Your description of your main character, which I am guessing is Edward, is really well done. I loved his thoughts, his feelings, his emotions. So realistic and well described. I love that for so long, he as unsure if he wanted to give her his heart, even though he'd loved her from a distance. He watched her dance with so many, but he never considered dancing with her. I wonder if there is a double meaning there. Not knowing the fandom, of course, but I'm guessing he also thought she could never fall for the likes of him? Anyway, when she finally pulled him out onto the dance floor, that was so cute. You showed his awkwardness so well. And then when he finally got swept up in the feeling, that was wonderful. The kiss was wonderful. This was such a beautiful piece. I am quite impressed. Well done, sir. :)
| MasterSpy chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
That was such a wonderful little one-shot. I have to admit that I'm completely fandom blind her, but I absolutely loved it. The emotion behind it all was just spectacular; I have to commend you on your beautiful writing. I loved your writing style. Your descriptions were perfect, and painted such a vivid picture that I can't even convey how impressed I was. I could see them dancing truly.
I loved how you ended the one-shot, coming back full circle to the first sentence. It was all so fitting. I wanted to pick out a favourite line from this fic, but I simply couldn't. There were so many that blew my mind away. You are definitely a very talented writer.
Here are a few things I noticed along with my humble suggestions:
[Lost, long ago nights when the fire of the stars still filled him with awe and the caress of moonbeams on another girl's face still had the power to make his heart skip a beat.] Maybe it's just me, but this line sounded a little disjointed to me. I couldn't quite completely understand it. Maybe you could consider reading through it once again and see if there's anything wrong with it?
[losing herself in his shimmering sunburst eyes, "The music is right here with us...listen for it."] I think the comma after "eyes" could be a full stop instead, since the previous sentence isn't really a dialogue tag.
[brush against his cheek, "Thank you," she said, "For finally letting me in..."] I think this might be a more suitable way of punctuating this sentence: [brush against his cheek. "Thank you," she said, "for finally letting me in..."]
Honestly, this was a brilliantly written one-shot. I felt I was there with the characters, feeling their emotions and watching them dance beautifully. I loved every minute of reading it—it was so incredibly well done! I'm sorry I can't tell you anything with regards to the fandom in particular, if the characters were in character or not, but it was a very interesting fic to read; extremely engaging! I'm so glad I tagged you! :)
| StormRex Lancer chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
I am a sucker for Romance fics. I'm quite impressed how you built up the romance and the dance sequence between Edward and Noah. The atmosphere in which they danced is beautiful, how you mentioned the moonlight, and how the moonbeams dances across the scenery. It also showed that love is definitely weird, but sweet. Edward being a cold, calculated and steadfast, but when he's in love, he's just like everyone of us. :)
You also described the way they interact physically and emotionally very well. Romance fics are based on emotions, and I can see that you have placed a lot of effort into this pairing. The part where u said that music is everything, like life, death and everything. Music is in their blood, their way of describing life, their way of expressing their emotions, their love for each other. Brilliant piece :)
| persevera chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
Very pretty words, but possibly a few too many. The opening especially was a little heavy on descriptors, so that they got lost in each other and your best weren't able to stand out.
[He felt like holding his breath for fear that even a sigh might break the spell she cast,]-This comparatively simple phrase is, by far, the most compelling
[Now, finally, he understood the truth; the music was in her blood,]-For this, rather than a semicolon, you might want to use a colon or dash, as the second phrase in effect answers the first phrase.
-I love soundless nocturn-
A lovely story of a man's memory of being completely enchanted by the woman who would be his life partner
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
So I have a very slim, slim familiarity to FMA, but not enough to know anything haha. But really lovely—reading through this, I get this sort of dreamscape feel in the way Ed describes her way of dancing. Your prose and imagery are what I found poetic as well like [the timeworn streets of some august town with her at his side, its cobbled alleys and squares awash in music, pageantry and festival splashed across its venerable walls]. Honestly, beyond my age haha. You so many sensory details too that there's a lot you can imagine, like picturing this summer field and the grass and the moonlight. You could practically smell those flowers too. The girl reminds me of a sort of dream/illusion-like presence what with the grace brought through her, especially with music not being there, and then to hear it? Like a ballad or ballet. Breathtaking to imagine, really. But though this could be just me, I found myself having to backtrack due to some of your longer sentences because they are really -really- long, like for example: [He felt the swaying motion begin to deepen and expand, and to his amazement, his feet began to follow hers in delicate, halting steps; he felt like holding his breath for fear that even a sigh might break the spell she cast, yet the dance went on, turning and swaying under the shining canopy of the night.]
[He smirked at her, the unknowing fool, and jabbed a steel thumb back toward the veil of the woods, "The music is all back there...]
You don't have a speaking verb or speech tag present, so you wouldn't need a comma to connect the narration to the dialogue.
Beautiful work though. :) Really enjoyed this dreamscape feel you brought out. Cheers!
| Verran chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
First of all, I just want to say how much I enjoyed reading this piece. You opened with such a strong line, it really drew me in. For me, what stood out the most was the flow of your narrative. It was melodic, it moved rhythmicly, it felt passionate in its delivery. The imagery was strong in all the senses, I could imagine the sights, (the flames of the fire) sounds, (the laughter and the singing) smells (heady perfume of the wildflowers wafting...) - particularly liked that one BTW - the taste of the wine and the touch of the summer breeze. I was THERE.
He is such a contrast among all of this - when she says 'dance with me' - you use the word 'jabbed' and 'steel thumb' - and his words, 'dicey' and 'abomination' really show how awkward and out of place he feels.
I'd like to comment on your repetition of the word 'sway', 'swaying' and 'swayed'. Too much word repetition normally jumps out and jars, but here you repeated this word throughout and instead of causing discord, to me it felt like it actually held the whole feel of the piece together. I think it was because your whole narrative swayed, there was music all the time, whether it could be heard or not.
She sways to an unheard melody as she's introduced at the beginning, and they sway to that unheard melody at the end - her inner music, her world.
Your beautiful choice of words gave a rich feel to the piece, without becoming 'purple'. It was a pleasure to read.
If I could offer concrit - although this style lends itself to longer sentences in general, on occasions I felt some of them did get overly long, to the point where they sort of lost their rhythm a bit. Perhaps it may be worth looking at them again to see if they can be made a little clearer. (An example below)
/Looking back, he always wondered if it was the wine - they had collectively enjoyed more than a few bottles of sweet summer wine - or the shafts of moonlight striking through the clouds, or the way the moonbeams danced across the ripples of the twisting, writhing Rhine as it snaked its ancient, immutable course through the valley below./
Other than that, this was a fabulous read.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 1/31/2013
A secret: picked this one because "halcyon days" is one of the most beautifully evocative phrases known to man, and few people ever know it or use it. Win.
Disclaimer: Canon ignorant.
Verdict: Loved it.
The first thing that really stood out to me is your command of structure. This piece has a discipline about it that I rarely see; bookended with almost the same expression and the middle elaborating on it in a way that really is beautifully done.
The language here is a really rich tapestry; the "halcyon" sort of tipped me off that you'd be skilled at throwing expressions like "troubadour's ancient art", "evanescent fingers" and "the hush and the shadows."
Just so I'm not mindlessly gushing at you ( ;) ) there were two things that struck me as perhaps a little over the edge of your prose; the "tender, longing whisper" is implied and I'd be tempted to take it out, as the dialogue sort of speaks for itself there. Also, the reference to her "chocolate eyes"- it's a little close to the "sapphire orb" cliches of Suedom for me not to be able to draw the comparison (in prose alone. Her character is great.)
Still, these were two minor snags in a parade of beautiful words.
It may not be particularly close in terms of plot, but your prose reminds me of Jeanette Winterson's novella, 'The Passion', and in all the right ways.
That penultimate paragraph is the killer, though. It has such a sadness and longing about it, and is supported by such beautiful rhythm and masterful clauses, that- yep, this is going as a fave. Rock. On.
| Silwen Prince chapter 1 . 1/29/2013
Just to warn you, I've never seen FMA, and have only read the first volume of the manga. But I followed the scene easily. Yet because of this, I didn't know who the characters were...
"forcing her to surrender to its primal power"- I love this. Its single adjective does so much more than three round-a-bout ones.
You have a very good control of the different tones you want to convey; it is very flowy, like the Rhine, the girl's dancing and his feelings for her. Yet it still has an underlying layer of tension that slowly builds as the scene progresses.
"starshine"- This is a wonderful word. I haven't heard it, did you make it up? Kudo points if you did. :)
There is a little bit of head-hopping between the characters in the middle of this one-shot.
Interesting use of pronouns. No names between the main characters. It implies that perhaps they are extremely close to each other rather well.
Also, I loved the metaphor of the dance and magic of budding love.
Wonderful one-shot. With an amusing ending. I like Alphonse and he *would* tease him. ;)
| CheddarTrek chapter 1 . 1/28/2013
Good first line. I'm a huge fan of the FMA manga and Brotherhood anime, and I've seen the original 2003 anime, but I'm a bit lax on details from the movies and various other sources. If I miss something vital keep that in mind!
I really liked the following line: And yet in spite of all this, he remained a steadfast man of numbers and formulas, a man who always saw the world through the lens of cold, calculated reason, for whom there was more charm and melody in chemistry equations and physics theorems than in the troubadour's ancient art.
It's not just that you are telling the truth about Ed, you are, but the fact that you said "troubador's ancient art" instead of music. For an intellectual POV it works. If you were writing from a different POV it wouldn't. But nice touch.
Later on I do feel like you lapsed into a bit too much purple prose for me, but that's a personal preference. A lot of the phrases sound fantastic (I'm fond of the "shining canopy of the night"), but lots of awesome description like that can lose me eventually.
But I do like the ending a good bit, and you ended with another single line that acts like a bookend to the first, so that was neat. Cheers