|Reviews for The Closest I Can Get|
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/21
| DestinyIslands chapter 1 . 9/25/2015
Hey! So first off, I love it when fanfiction authors show characters interacting before they know each other. Secondly the whole build-up of the story to Tobias's realization is great. I think you did a fantastic job showing how free Tris is in the moment and I really liked the way you described Tobias and the water droplets. My only critique is that the first sentence is a little awkwardly worded. I would take out the it to make it flow better (although I think some people have already mentioned this). Great story!
| Emali Templeton chapter 1 . 8/12/2015
I LOVE IT
| johnlaurens chapter 1 . 3/28/2015
Ooh, I really liked this! Quite nice!
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/24/2015
Keep going. I want more!
| DeletedConfirm chapter 1 . 10/13/2014
I am a fandom blinder for this story but that does not stop me for enjoying a good one shot. The lay out of the plot is very good and I like how you weigh on just one subject for this story.
You weigh on the subject for freedom and it was a nice tide for the plot. I like the fact how the boy Tobias was wishing to be out in the rain and the fact that the blonde girl constantly reminds him of getting freedom is his hearts main desire. I see no repetition and to write less than 600 words with a simple concept is a definite kudos to you my friend. If it was me, I go more than two page.
Grammar is very readable. But there was just a tiny little typo I spotted just below. It was the middle of the paragraph.
"and look out it" -should cancel just the "it".
Have a great day!
| Edhla chapter 1 . 10/13/2014
Hi! I'm afraid I know very little about Divergent, but I really liked this piece. You write with a terse kind of minimalism that I really like (though I felt that less is more with the isolated sentences, and the less there are, the more impact each makes.)
I love your attention to writing with "all five senses" here - the gray dress spotted with rain (wonderful image!) the colour of hair and eyes (thank you for not going overboard and just sticking with brown and blue!) and my favourite, the flushed cheek on a cold pane of glass. Great stuff.
Just a minor nit:
[here; She] either a period or a small "s" for "she". I'd go with the period, but I think either is correct
Thanks for writing x
| JanaTearce chapter 1 . 8/30/2014
That was utterly adorable. Tris was adorable, for Tobias the whole thing is probably rather tragic.
I just finished the first book of the series, though reading this I only remember that is was about Tobias and some girl and only realised after a while that it's a piece of their childhood. The way you describe how he sees her implies the suggestion that he probably spent a lot of days wondering and watching that little blond girl.
It speaks for well characterised figured that I didn't need a name for Caleb and Tris to figure them out. Lastest when Caleb scolds her it's obvious though. Tris is a free spirit as they come, while Caleb always abides the rules and it couldn't more obvious in your story.
Tobias portray is very accurate as well though, considering his father it's natural he's drawn to freedom.
I wonder if this had any impact on his decision about changing the fraction. I wonder if he ever realised that it was Tris he saw that day? It would make quite a cute story for him to tell her.
| Haughtblood chapter 1 . 8/22/2014
This story made my heart leap.
Don't ever stop writing.
| uhhwhyidk chapter 1 . 8/16/2014
I must say it was an interesting read. It definitely left a feeling in me that was indescribable. It felt very nostalgic when I remembered something from my past.
| Ariel Olivia chapter 1 . 8/3/2014
Hi! The Reviews Lounge, Too brought me here.
Although I've read Divergent (and its sequels), I've yet to start on the spin off featuring Tobias. So, I don't know how his interior voice sounds like. That said, though, I find your take on him interesting. It's dark, brooding, but intelligent. It's almost as if Tobias is mature for his age (if we're going by canon ages, which puts him at just two years older than the 'little blonde girl' he is observing). I can totally see this happening because what Marcus put him through as a kid, plus growing up Abnegation, would contribute to this kind of outlook on life.
My only concern would be that it wasn't really evident that what Tris did (to play in the rain) was something prohibited. I saw Caleb scolding her, and her getting abashed, but it could be a scene between any other brother and sister. It wasn't clear that this wasn't just something discouraged, but it was something prohibited.
Spelling, grammar and punctuation are good. I don't think you have much to work on in terms of language use. Plus your use of setting is incredible. I love how many different ways you used 'rain' in the fanfic-given that it's less than 600 words, it's amazing how you managed to use rain as a device to move the action forward, as something upon which Tobias reflects, and as something that reflects the mood of the story.
Write more Tobias and Tris, please :)
| fourandsixyay chapter 1 . 7/8/2014
| Ballykissangel chapter 1 . 6/28/2014
I absolutely loved the imagery of freedom in darkness that you have portrayed here. I especially like how you formed it from an outside point of view that offers, interest, encouragement and sympathy to the narrator.
It makes me want to know more about the person that we are reading about and if they ever got to see what the little girl managed to do with her beginning stages radiant rebellion and what they lead her to do in her future.
There was a minor word tense problem that I saw, which would be *look-Looked*
but it doesn't damage the lovely writing and portrayal of this story.
You should be proud. Thank you for writing this.
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 1 . 6/28/2014
The short sentences gave the scene a sense of declaration, although the direct objects were intrusive in places ("look out it," "the glass around it," "around herself," "I can get to that"). However, you present a clear, vivid image of a girl in the rain, and the sense of normalcy she conveys until her brother appears makes her highly sympathetic. The concern Tobias automatically feels about the possibility of her catching a cold, while sweet, reveals the thought patterns of Abnegation, even as her tendency to pluck "the prettiest flowers for herself" foreshadows her eventual faction change.
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 6/2/2014
Hi there! I am a moderator from the Review Lounge, Too, and will be reviewing this piece today after it was recommended by one of your readers :) first things first, I am completely fandom blind here. That is not a problem though so on with the review!
I absolutely love the way you represent rain as a multiple level metaphor that represents life, freedom, innocence and even sadness. You give the rain definition and make it something that is less an idea in the background and more of something that represents what is going on in the narrative as a whole. The girls innocence and joy as she twirls in the rain really adds a whimsical note and a spark of light inside an otherwise (gray) place. The way you end the piece by having the watcher essentially the light off as they step away, no longer able to watch as the light dances amidst the cold drops effectively works to bring the story to a close.
This here: ((She stands in the rain with her face turned up and her arms spread wide, turning and turning in circles around herself as the water hits her face and falls into her open, smiling mouth.)) is a really wonderful way to introduce the girl to us. We don't get her name, we don't know who she is, don't know why this person is watching her, but we get to see her as they see her. That you don't was on about her looks, or draw it out in great detail is fantastic. You keep it simple and you give us how what she's doing is essentially what makes her unique. Here is a great example of showing us how she's carefree, innocent, able to find enjoyment in the cold, wet world.
This line is very evocative: ((Her beauty is evident, radiating off of her even in this restricting place.)). While it can be said that it is more telling than showing, I think that it works well to establish how she's a creature of beauty, something that shines amongst the dark gloom of the world she inhabits. Calling the world a (restrictive place) is interesting because it suggests to me how this world is a very strict and cold one, maybe a war torn era or a particular period where life isn't great and joy not something easily found. That could be fandom blindness talking though.
Great closing line: ((The water falling from the blackening sky is her bit of freedom, but this is the closest I can get to that.)) as it shows how her freedom and salvation is the rain pelting her skin, but this person can only watch and live through her. They are not allowed the same freedoms and the same salvation. They can only live vicariously through her and partake of the rains liberation by wiping their wet palm against their (flushed) cheek.
In all this was a very short and very evocative piece! Great job!