|Reviews for Play Pretend|
| Shiina Yuki chapter 1 . 8/1/2013
so cute! Please make the sequel! XD
| Ghibli Ninja chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
I love that line: "She's a scientist in a different way, her discoveries more mundane."
Great job :D
| Silly Twin Stars chapter 1 . 4/20/2013
THIS WAS SO CUTE AW I LOVE MAYURI :3
Really enjoyed "she's a scientist in a different way, her discoveries the more mundane." I'd never thought of that, but it's so true. I always thought she was smarter than everyone seemed to give her credit for. Thanks for writin' this!
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 1/27/2013
Aww, you've portrayed Mayuri's personality perfectly, the way she's curious and bubbly. :3 I find it cute how she refers to herself in the third person. You've also written Okabe to be very in-character. I like how you mention the not-so-heartwarming stuff (like the dreams of death) amongst the happiness, too. I found that really effective, as if Mayuri and her cosplaying provides some escape from the doom and gloom for both herself and Okabe. :) I love how embarassed he is at the end. That made me chuckle. :P This was a very sweet little fic, and I really enjoyed it! :D
Here is my critique and some suggestions to give you a helping hand. :)
. ("Done." She announces) When a line of speech follows with a dialogue tag, if the dialogue ends with a full stop, you need to put a comma there instead.
[ "Done," She announces] -That's step one. :)
When the dialogue tag does not begin with something that would need to be capitalised anyway (like I, or a proepr noun) then you don't need to capitalise it. Since 'she' does not need to be capitalised anyway, you don't need to capitalise it here.
[ "Done," she announces] - This is the correct form. :)
Here is a quick(ish) guide on how to correctly punctuate dialogue in other cases, too. If anything needs clarifying, then feel free to PM me for some clarification, should there be anything that's confusing. :)
[“This is my dog.”] If this line followed with a dialogue tag, then you would have to replace the full stop/period at the end of it with a comma. You do not capitalise the first word of a dialogue tag UNLESS it starts with a name, or anything else that would normally need capitalising. Examples:
[“This is my dog,” I said.] … [“This is my dog,” he said.]… [“This is my dog,” Jim said.]
A dialogue tag is something that describes how something is said, such as: [Said, asked, snapped, shouted, bellowed, yelled, and screamed and whispered.]
[“This is right.” He said. ] Nope! [“This is right,” He said.] Nope! [“This is right.” he said.] Nope! Finally… [“This is right,” he said.] Yep!
Some words that are better not used as dialogue tags: Sighed, laughed, giggled, and chuckled. Instead of using these as dialogue tags, do this instead:
[“That’s silly,” said Chelsea, with a chuckle.]
[“This is my dog,” Jim smiled.] This is incorrect. You can’t smile words. Things that aren’t dialogue tags are slightly different. You leave the full stop/period as a full stop/ period when the next part is not a dialogue tag. If it doesn’t describe how something is said, then it’s not a dialogue tag. In this case, you capitalise the ‘non-dialogue tag’ as if it were the start of a new sentence.
[“That’s nice.” Jim smiled. ] [“That’s a good idea.” Andy took off his coat.] [“That’s splendid.” He swished his long hair.]
Not [“That’s nice,” he smiled’] or [That’s nice.” he smiled] but [“That’s nice.” He smiled. ]
[“Are you crazy?”] [“That’s amazing!”] Now, in these cases, you don’t need any extra commas or full stops/periods. Just remember- is it a dialogue tag after? Don’t capitalise it (UNLESS it starts with a name or something else that needs capitalising.) . Is it not? Then, do capitalise it.
[“Are you crazy?” he asked.] [“Are you crazy?” He leapt back.] [“That’s neat!” she exclaimed.] [“That’s neat!” She clapped.]
When it comes to two different sections, then this is how it goes.
[“This is great,” he said, “and I like the colours.”]
[“This is great,” he said. “Well done.”]
[“This is great.” He put down his mug. “I really like this place.”]
. (just a facet of the truth from another timeline.) I feel that 'world line' would go better in place of 'timeline' here, since 'timeline' means (This definition is from an online dictionary) ' A graphic representation of the passage of time as a line. '
I really love how much Okabe and Mayuri are in character here. :D This was a great read! Keep up the good work. It's not often that anyone writes Steins;Gate fanfiction, so I'm glad you wrote this. :D