|Reviews for Catalogue of the Dead|
| Wends chapter 13 . 3/5/2015
Now THIS was a haunting read! You really, truly captured the atmosphere of the game in this chapter. Reading this literally gave me shivers; and I'm not one to throw the word 'literally' about very liberally. Holy smokes, this was terrifyingly great!
Gah, I'm going to hug my cat. And put serious thought towards replaying Corpse Party again. Because darn it, it's been too long.
| YAY chapter 13 . 3/5/2015
I really like all these stories of previous Heavenly Host victims. Good job!
| The Cursed Poltergeist chapter 13 . 3/5/2015
Oh my dear, you're back. Yes. YES.
Keep up with this amazing work of yours! \o/
| IIonezerozero chapter 13 . 3/5/2015
Alright, I only reviewed this chapter since I didn’t get your message in time. Between this chapter and the first one quality only really increases in the last third.
like the one time I passed out and(in) gym
Was stiff all over,(unnecessary comma) too.
, (and) lots of objects
I squinted at on, felt it out, and realized that it was an easel, for painting. (Too many commas. As a freebie here's the sentence re-written.
“I squinted at one of the shadows. Failing to see it I reached out with my hands. The smooth cold touch of wood returned from my fingers. Tracing its outline with both hands, I finally figured out what it was. A sigh of relief I didn't know I had been holding it comes out. It was just an easel. There wasn't even a scary painting on it to freak me out.”)
below a torn newsletter was tacked up-something
but it was stuck, I guess.
I hated how quiet it was; despite myself, it was putting me on edge (This isn't really a mistake, just badly worded.)
Creepy. (At this point in the story, his denial is getting a tad ridiculous. You haven't described any nervous perspiration, shivering, or calling out to people. That deadened the authenticity of it greatly.)
Was it, like, an attraction. (I understand you're using commas to add pauses you would see in conversation. This is a habit I used to have as well. It doesn't work sadly. Allow the reader's imagination to fill in some of those breaths and use commas only when it's grammatically correct. I don't mean MicrosoftWord's grammar check, btw. Additionally, commas separate out ideas and allow you to organize longer sentences. Cutting up a sentence with only one or two ideas or clauses will just confuse the reader, or make it difficult to read. Finally, question marks are important for questions.)
The first thing I saw was the girl. (Your placement of this sentence at the end for stress and shock is understandable. However, if you're going to have what this character saw first appear as the last bit of the sentence, you're going to lose a lot of the immersion. If I am feeling what this character is feeling, I'd like to acquire the information in the same order this character does.)
Probably an actress, (The level of denial has gone to ridiculous levels. Without any backstory to get what a feel for this character is and if he or she is likely to fall into this sort of behavior, I can honestly say I do not enjoy being in this person's perspective. It's not because it's scary, it's because it feels ridiculous. You can achieve the same reaction by portraying their denial in a physical forms and internal, or external monologues. For example; continuous self-questioning, rejection or explanation of obvious details, repetition as if trying to convince one's self this isn't actually happening, and possibly profuse sweating and shivering.)
The door led to the covered walkway. (I'm confused as to where we are now. You wrote we were where all the shoe boxes were. That's the main entrance of Heavenly Host. In order to get to the covered walkway you have to; walk out of the entrance,(I'm not sure you can call an area of that size a vestibule but that might be what it is.) out into the main intersection of the school, down the East Hallway, and then you get to the door to the walkway. The character's position doesn't match with the details you've given. Is this person in the entrance, or are they in the East Hallway? You cannot stand close enough to the door you mention and see the shoe boxes at the same time. Not to mention you said it was dark so it would be even harder to see things that are far away.)
that many trees
(Okay, there's no reason to assume you would have known this, but Corpse Party is set in Tokyo. Kisaragi academy is set somewhere in Fujisawa city (Ayumi mentions it in Book of Shadows Chapter: Blood Drive) which is a city near Tokyo that serves as its commuter city.
What that means is that a lot of people who work in Tokyo actually live in Fujisawa city instead. However, that's a tangent.
The real problem is that, contrary to popular belief, Tokyo has many opportunities to see greenery and forests. There are multiple mountains, hills, and parks that break up the urban jungle.
Tokyo is actually one of the least heavily built up cities compared to places like Paris or New York.
What I'm saying here is this. Even if the person was living in Tokyo, which is one of the heavily built up places in Japan, he or she would still be able to see forests and trees in large numbers unless they were locked in a basement or cellar for most of their life. Additionally, most Japanese elementary and middle schools take field trips to more rural areas. So, it is virtually impossible for your character to have never seen that many trees. Even if he was living in Tokyo.)
bleached jaundice-yellow (Bleach removes color. This doesn’t make sense as a phrase. I get that the color is yellowy and it’s rotten but that comes from prior knowledge of Corpse Party and what bones look like, not your writing.)
(I've exhausted myself at this point, so I can’t point out any more errors. There are a couple more that commit the same mistakes as the ones I've mentioned previously. If you want any more corrections PM me and we can discuss whether you want me as a Beta or not.)
I’ll be honest, from this point onwards it was very difficult not to just glaze over your descriptions of what was going on. I could get the required details, but your phrasing hindered what I pictured. My eyes kept skipping to the next bit of dialogue. Those were relatively realistic. The images you presented weren’t bad. With some embellishments, you can make it a lot more entertaining.
I read the A/N at the end, and I can say the last third of the story wasn’t that bad in terms of content. Presentation could be done a bit better, but the image you showed was amusing. Sachiko killing people always is.
The issue, I believe, with the first part of the story is that nothing is really happening. We don’t see what this character is like. We don’t see him do anything. We don’t see anyone around him do anything. It’s empty. There’s no reason for that sequence to exist. It didn’t set the atmosphere of Heavenly Host, neither did it make me more sympathetic to this character.
The good bits were the images you presented but that’s the message hidden in the writing. If I was to be a bit crass, it was like having to watch a movie through a zoetrope.
I’m not a massive reader of short stories, so I cannot be the best judge of whether your writing is a product of writing with a limited number of words (Short stories are in the realm between 2,000-7,500 words) or it’s an issue with your style. I would be hard pressed to fit in the number of scenes you have in 7500 words. That’s about 7 scenes by the way.
As you might have guessed, on average one scene needs at least 1,000 words. In your fic these are the scene I can see.
The MC waking up
The MC thinking back on how he got here
The MC exploring Heavenly Host
The MC meeting the girl who was lied to
The MC exploring Heavenly Host again
The MC seeing the three children ghosts finishing off that person
The MC running from them and trying to deny them.
The MC meeting the girl who was lied to again and getting chased
The MC meeting Sachiko and then dying.
The few short stories I have read had about 4 or 5 scenes and spent a lot of words making them important.
For example, there was a science fiction short story about the equivalent of future cock fighters.
They would control synthetically grown organism built for fighting other organisms in an arena. These were controlled via neural implants of a controller. Things such as; detachable limbs that hid weapons of bone, acid spit, tentacles as strong as boa constrictors, mechanical implants, and enhanced musculature were used. The scenes shown in that story were in this order:
MC is seen driving a trailer and talks to other characters about upcoming fight. It is shown through their dialogue that they are on a winning streak. In the background the MC sees their team’s leader making out with another woman on their team and she grimaces.
MC and crew are approached by a man who asks them to fix the fight, they refuse. This man is seen with a female companion who looks like she is displeased by this man’s company. The man threatens them with lethal consequences should they refuse.
MC goes into the arena with her synthetic organism and fights against her opponent. This scene explains the potentials of the biological weapons and they are revealed in the form of the fight as well as via references to previous things the MC has encountered and is wary of in her opponent. The MC experiences emotions such as fear and caution while in the fight instead of her opponent’s blood lust. The MC wins thanks to how she prioritizes survival over attacking.
MC is relaxing with her team. The character sees their team leader making out with the same women again and drinks bitterly. The female companion of the man who asked them to lose approaches her. They chat about relationships and how the MC used to be with the team leader instead of that other woman. The female companion asks if they can be alone for a bit. The MC agrees and walks the two of them into their trailer. The female comments on how she is being mistreated by the man. The MC gets intimate with the female. A part of the MC’s history is revealed when the female asks how the MC made it back from a horrible accident at the beginning of their winning streak. The MC ceases the intimacy and tells the female companion it is none of her business. The female then kills the MC with implanted pile drivers in her finger by firing them into her skull.
The MC’s dead body gets up and the female is surprised. It is revealed that the MC was never in their “human” body but had been inside the synthetic organism this entire time. Her body was the puppet instead of her weap
| IIonezerozero chapter 1 . 3/4/2015
The way the character descends into madness seems a bit abrupt. Would have preferred it if you built up his or her character a bit more before doing anything to him. Part of the reason we love Corpse Party is because the game actually makes us care about the characters before doing horrible stuff to them. Since we don't have the ability to have voice actors give our character's life we have to put in twice the amount of effort into our writing to make them come to life.
I didn't feel that from your characters. I don't know what they're like or why they're in the situation they're in. Most of all, I don't care.
Where are they walking? What are they doing? What do they look like? What sort of expression do they have when they die? When they kill? I don't see any of these in my mind when I read this.
Additionally, why does this character know about the closed spaces and why is it the first thing he or she thinks of when asked "Where were you?". Surely most people would say where they were in the school earlier.
Also the hyphen could have been replaced with a comma.
| Ashe Corinthos chapter 12 . 2/18/2015
Aww, so sweet and tragic! Perfect timing for this kind of chapter, seeing as Valentine's Day was only less than a week ago... Those poor students...
Ah, I want to know, was the name switch for the girl- Hotaru to Hokuto- meant, or did it get confused...? Just pointing it out. Let me know if I misunderstood something!
| Wends chapter 12 . 2/18/2015
(too lazy to log in, but...) Awwww, there was actually something very sweet about this chapter. Of course, though, when I found those corpses I thought it was kind of sick but sweet in its own way. :P
Thanks for this one! I was wondering if you were going to touch on more of the kids down in the corpse pool in the basement. :)
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/9/2015
Even though I was going to review at the last chapter , the amount of work you have been putting on these are impressive , I got to congratulate you , amazing writting and very good research to get all done . Well Done .
| Tyrant Rum chapter 11 . 10/17/2014
Huh... I didn't know much about Shimoda, but now I feel sorry for him. He was just being a peaceful little ghost when he got trapped in heavenly host. I like reading about characters that aren't shown very often, so this chapter was pretty refreshing for me.
| Wends chapter 11 . 10/17/2014
Jeez, been a goodly while since I left a review. :) But I will say that I've been enjoying your installations of this story, and quite happily look forward to more.
I LOVE this character, and will admit that the extra with him was one of my favorite portions of the game. Thanks much for expanding on him!
| Ashe Corinthos chapter 11 . 10/17/2014
I love that the bathroom stall ghost has a story now. :3 I always wondered if it had relevance. Loved this chapter, and I can't wait for the next one! You're doing great!
| The Cursed Poltergeist chapter 10 . 10/3/2014
God, I really love this. Not only because you actually write about the students who died before the game's events, you do a whole homework about them. You study them and guess their personalities only by nametags, extra info, last notes.. It's amazing! I hope you always keep up with that wonderful job!
| Ashe Corinthos chapter 10 . 10/3/2014
This was the best chapter yet! You are a wonderful writer! Reading this gave me chills. Great job! :D
| Guest chapter 5 . 7/1/2014
I really like your writing - the style is fitting for the situations, the background is well researched, and you explained everything in the character identification and author's notes. I found your writing in the comments section of Corpse Party Wiki (works!).
Off topic, I read up to here and it's almost 1 in the morning. I'm hoping I won't get any nightmares. Thanks bro!
fan of Cry and pewds
| Wends chapter 9 . 3/31/2014
Sakura Motoi is found in the Death Room in chapter 6, by the cabinet. :P
Mako Sakurai is on the table. Maybe we're talking about her? :)
And from Blood Covered, poor Nana, Chihiya and Nari were there in assorted buckets (or were just name tags). Though you specifically said BoS. So there ya go. :) Love it, BTW! So awesomely gruesome.