Reviews for Mass Effect: The First War
NotPaulyD chapter 7 . 11/30
Childish, contrived, derivative, boring, and devoid of any real character. You obviously ripped off Halo on multiple occasions, ranging from benign to egregious. Little to none of this story is original or provocative. Most damning of all, however, you seem to have no grasp of grammar rules when it comes to dialogue. Your characters are immediately uninteresting because I've either already been invested in them from the franchises you blatantly stole them from, or they are unimaginative copies of every Hollywood trope. You completely disregard the standing lore of the games whenever it is convenient, and often fairly basic science as well. All of this is a damn shame, because this story has great potential, and you have a solid talent for world building, given the chance to hone it. I would definitely suggest a second set of eyes to look at this story, because what happens when you fall in love with a concept (as you have so obviously done here), it tends to give you a sort of tunnel vision that blinds you from all the story's flaws. In the end, this story practically bleeds potential, but is sadly being written be someone who shows to be, at best, unpracticed, and at worst, incompetent. 3.5/10
NotPaulyD chapter 7 . 11/30
Childish, contrived, derivative, boring, and devoid of any real character. You obviously ripped off Halo on multiple occasions, ranging from benign to egregious. Little to none of this story is original or provocative. Most damning of all, however, you seem to have no grasp of grammar rules when it comes to dialogue. Your characters are immediately uninteresting because I've either already been invested in them from the franchises you blatantly stole them from, or they are unimaginative copies of every Hollywood trope. You completely disregard the standing lore of the games whenever it is convenient, and often fairly basic science as well. All of this is a damn shame, because this story has great potential, and you have a solid talent for world building, given the chance to hone it. I would definitely suggest a second set of eyes to look at this story, because what happens when you fall in love with a concept (as you have so obviously done here), it tends to give you a sort of tunnel vision that blinds you from all the story's flaws. In the end, this story practically bleeds potential, but is sadly being written be someone who shows to be, at best, unpracticed, and at worst, incompetent. 3.5/10
madsloth chapter 20 . 11/27
Actually a follow up to the review on chapter 21
The more I think about this complete lack of giving a fuck about the obvious attacks on their people I just can’t help but wonder other than setting up someone (Batarians) with human tech what possible explanation there could be for such incompetence? Granted it is a perfect race to have a war and kill lot of them since they are basically scum but it really makes the Alliance look stupid.

2201
Ship activity in the Batarian Hegemony increases dramatically. Civilian Human Ships, out scouting for planets to colonize, soon begin to go missing. Investigations are underway, but no proof as to the perpetrator or the location of the ships is found.
2202
Roof…
Human and Turian warships are missing, these missing ships are written up as victims of the lack of momentum loss in Space
2207
Human and Quarian ships are reported missing, the ships and crew are unrecovered. Alliance Intelligence begins investigating the disappearances, but finds little evidence as to who attacked, or perhaps captured, the ships.

…And during the Mercenary war, he single-handedly took down an entire space station…
They captured the station of the mercenary’s attacking and could not figure out who was behind the attacks?

Would bet a million credits 98% of the missing ships happened around systems accessible by relays, and it would not take an AI to figure out what that means. Yet with all the tech advantages they have they don’t even really seem to bother to do a real investigation? Because, if they had it would have taken about a fraction of a second to figure out the truth then another fraction of a second to breach the Batarian computer network to get the proof. So what in world justification would there be for letting a rouge state steal your tech and enslave your people?

Having said all that I have still liked the story but I don’t know how I feel about what appears will be making the race that is basically the ME universe Cardassians some kind of super power that could actually survive more than 5 minutes in a war with this version of the Alliance. If you make it so they can go toe to toe with the Alliance then they would easily be able to conquer or at least cripple the citadel races.
madsloth chapter 21 . 11/27
I do find the lack of interest in their ships going kind of odd, I mean it is not like they don't know they share a boarder with a slaver/pirate nation. let along not worrying about their tech just falling in to whoever's hands.

also while I know part two is done already I hope Cerberus will be more like a section 31 from star trek and less like douche evil terrorist organization it became in canon in the future. and at least this line makes me think that might be the case.

...The Alliance was a good idea, but it needed a shadow organization to figure out the dirtier details and perform the more interesting tasks...
Guest chapter 9 . 11/25
WOO-HOO LETS GO KICK SOME XENO ASS!
madsloth chapter 17 . 11/27
First review, great story btw. But two things stuck me as odd in this chapter.

Pretty cool twist but I have to ask why did the Quarians think the planet had actually be destroyed when apparently they never left orbit of it? That seems almost as bad as if the people on Palaven itself were watching the live stream of their fake destruction and being mad that the planet they were standing on had been blown up…

Then even after seeing that the planet was not blown up Tevos thinks this “and obliterated a third of Palaven itself” why?
Random Citizen chapter 2 . 11/17
Geth have flashlight heads.

The Quarians have no business calling this newfound AI Geth, because this AI is not a Servant of the People.

They would just call it whatever their abbreviation for Artificial Intelligence would be.

Also, I would hope the Marines would be intelligent enough to just back away from the supposed threat, saying "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT AIs CAN DO? THEY'RE DANGEROUS!" Instead of, you know, firing indiscriminately during a First Contact scenario, potentially pissing off a massively powerful race.
Revliledpembroke chapter 5 . 11/17
The shields of the Batarian ships are more up to date than the Quarians? The race known as THE engineering experts has lower tech than the Batarians? You know, the Third World Country of Mass Effect!

Tali always had fantastic shields!
Guest chapter 20 . 11/12
Just wanted to say this is the second time I read the story that’s how good it is
Pteaset chapter 1 . 11/10
So good
Just a Crazy-Man chapter 7 . 9/23
Lov.
The Third Biker Scholar chapter 18 . 9/3
can't wait to read the rest!
DarkMastermind317 chapter 21 . 8/11
I made it halfway and just had to stop. After reading the first 10 chapters I am convinced that you A) do not understand how to tell a story, at least not very well B) Have a very poor understanding of science, politics, warfare, and basic grammar and C) That the "Orbital Death Dealers" or whatever you called them are ripped off the ODST's from Halo...poorly. Don't lie.

I really wanted to like this story, I like the premise, I like the concept but you're execution is just awful. You can't convince me that humanity will just accept an alien species in as short a time span as you depicted and then defend them to the death. The first few chapters detailing first contact and the forming of the alliance would honestly have worked much better as a stand-alone story as the first in the series.

Which brings me to my other huge complaint with this. Character development, or in this case, lack thereof. I find your characters to be boring, generic and unrealistic unbelievable cutouts. There is no development of them and it hurts the story and makes it less interesting.

I highly suggest you get a good beta or proof reader, and do some quick browsing on google and research your story better.
Guest chapter 7 . 7/29
Reading this chapter has me quietly blinking.

You have TITANs, but they're more like the Titans from Titanfall than my TITANs(supersoldiers of an entirely original universe I've been working on for ages now).

This is funny.

Not sure why.

Love the story, though. Very nicely written and I very much like it.
Arekanderu chapter 6 . 7/18
Really? Japan joining forces with China? I can see Russia doing this thpe of move but Japan?
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