Reviews for Mass Effect: The First War
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 10 . 1/23/2020
So, you *admit* that you completely screwed the pooch on the “too slow for kinetic barriers” stuff, but see no reason to actually *change* it.


“and I am trying to rewrite a few things here and there to point out the flaws in Humanity’s military.”

And some of the early chapters do indeed have a little “[edited]” tag on them, which makes sense given that I am reading this thing in 2020 and its last activity was in 2014. Meaning that, originally, the early parts of it were somehow even *worse* than what we got.

Ok, so, even the story itself is now admitting that the quarians were the ones who started all of this (although it still omits the fact that the humans subsequently also opened fire on the turians without so much as a how-do-you-do). Good. I was worried you’d forgotten it completely. The idea that this miiiight just ever so slightly compress the high horse the humans have been jumping up and down on for the last five-odd chapters (while screaming) does not even seem to have occurred to you, though, so I won’t really call this progress.

Maybe it’s just admitting that the Quarians LIED to them, so how could the Stumans possibly be at fault when they were LIED to? Even though if they’ve read their own stupid codices, it specifically states what the Quarians did. Which undermines the whole “LIES, LIIIIEEEEEES” defence they were claiming.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Yeah, so much for the whole ‘admitting your mistakes and seeing reason’ bit, absolutely nothing is going to satisfy [Jason Whyte’s]/[the braying public’s]/[your personal] bloodlust aside from the complete destruction of Palaven.

There isn’t any reason *for* the humans to retaliate any more, but that’s all they’re talking about. If they’re worried the Citadel won’t listen to them, they can detain the quarian leadership and use them as bargaining chips; what, morally or strategically, do the humans even stand to gain by continuing a massive war of attrition against an enemy that has no reason to fight them any more?

Oh, yeah, and something else that occurs to me. The Alliance, in this universe, supposedly exists alongside the United Nations, and is operationally gimped to the point that it needs to rely on individual member states to fight the turians, but at no point does anyone from the UN get to vote on whether or not to continue this harebrained war, and for that matter the UN isn’t even briefed on this completely game-changing revelation of why the war was *started*.

In fact, Jason Whyney here seems to now be making every major policy decision in the Alliance entirely by himself, without consultation or approval from anyone. I’d call him an absolute despot, but even absolute despots have generals and advisers and inner circles to condense the information available to them into human-readable form and handle the micromanagerial aspects of making their will into law. Sometimes he listens to a radio transmission, sometimes nothing at all happens to prompt it, and then he makes some kind of rambling statement and that’s Alliance policy from this point forward. Sometimes I’m not even sure if anyone else is even in the room when he does this; he just addresses it directly to the narrative prompt! He’s like a cross between Azathoth and Markov Bible Verses, with a liberal seasoning of Grand Moff Tarkin.

“They’ll think our fears of alien species were true and know that we, as a young people, needed to do this in order to establish our standing in the Galaxy.”

“But destroying a A Class Five Colonized Planet wouldn’t bring the body-count I want to thrust upon the Turians. A Class two, or one, yes. A five? No, not even close.”

I thought I was being hyperbolic when I made the Tarkin crack up above. Is this, like, some horrid new variant of Poe’s Law, “Anything a reviewer intended as hyperbolic sarcasm, I can attempt seriously”? Because, somehow, this story manages to not just proudly admit to everything I accuse it of, but to exceed my accusations every. Single. Time. It’s amazing.

In fact, the Grand Moff Tarkin comparison is no longer even apt. Tarkin destroyed Alderaan because it was well-known and well-traveled and everyone could see the results; while Alderaan’s large population certainly influenced that it wasn’t his direct reason. This guy surpasses Tarkin.

I don’t know how this ‘fic manages to keep surprising me given that I already expect the absolute worst of it at all times, but somehow it still does.

Seriously, how do you write dialogue like this while continuing to think to yourself “Yes, these are the good guys in my story. Not better than something worse or set up for redemption, good.” Honestly it’s so over-the-top that if it wasn’t for the clumsily-maniulative “serious” scenes like the dead-baby one, I would legitimately be wondering if this entire ‘fic was not in fact some sort of expertly-crafted parody or deconstruction of the HFY genre. But those TEH SADZ scenes do exist, and just in general there’s absolutely nothing funny or self-aware or insightful about this story, so if it is some kind of deconstruction it’s relegated to the meager class of “I’m deconstructing by writing a bog-standard story where all of the tropes happen verbatim, but now it’s slightly more grimderp” attempts (which are second in worthlessness only to the vaunted “I’m deconstructing by writing a bog-standard story where all of the tropes happen verbatim, but now I will state by name that each trope is happening when it happens” variety).

Except this one also has a crapton of filler and random nothing-narrative in it. Hooray.

Or maybe the UN *does* do things, although I am not really sure how responding to a demand to destroy a planet by offering to destroy *two* planets qualifies as “talk[ing] them down“.

His actual plan is curious. So, so, they’re going to destroy one planet with a nuclear bomb, and then destroy another planet with… a different class of *also planet-destroying nuclear bomb*? What possible purpose does that *serve*?

It also occurs to me that the vaguely-Germanic “Eidesche” outpost that the quarians nominate for the Alliance to destroy instead of just an unpopulated planet is the same “Eideshe” where they massacred those ten thousand turian colonists in the backstory. Why are the quarians so obsessed with causing strife and bloodshed on that particular planet? Is there a Great Old One slumbering within it that they hope to awaken through vast, Aztec-style war-sacrifices or something?

Also, this makes it sound like the “destroyer of worlds” phrase was coined when nuclear bombs were developed; in fact, it comes from a Hindu religious text called the Bhagavad Gita.

Also that quote is really fucking overused and Robert Oppenheimer only brought it up after the Trinity test in the first place because it comes closely after a different verse that reads

” If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the mighty one…”

People who quote the one without mentioning the other deprive the quote of its context and turn it from something that describes Oppenheimer’s complicated response to a weighty real-world decision into bland, edgelordy posturing… so, yeah, I’m not at all surprised the humans are using it here. Why the fuck do people continue to think that this quote is a celebration of nuclear power and something that should be requoted every time?

Oppenheimer was ashamed and utterly terrified of what he created. Anyone who actually ever watched the clip where he says that little line will realize that the man never got over the way his research was used. I mean just look at it, he can’t even look into the camera while he talks about it and he’s basically just stuck in the moment he realized what his bomb could do. Though, really, the entire reason Oppenheimer agreed to work on the atomic bomb was to use it against the *Nazis*; given the Alliance’s bizarre obsession with its own birthrate, insistence on mass murder to avenge its leaders’ wounded pride, and obsession with arming absolutely everyone, he’d probably think they were much more worthy recipients than the turians.

Is the aforementioned planet-destroyer that “red matter” weapon that was used to destroy Vulcan in the first Star Trek reboot? Because it really sounds like that “red matter” weapon that was used to destroy Vulcan in the first Star Trek reboot.

Not sure *why* it needs to dig underground to do that, though. While the dynamics of aboveground and underground explosions are complex, 30 miles (wonderfully scientific units there, BTW) isn’t going to make much difference one way or the other to something that *destroys planets*.

*Can* it destroy planets, though? The narration says it contains “ten pounds” of antimatter (more wonderfully scientific units…), which would on impact release around 41017 joules, or approximately 97.4 megatons-TNT-equivalent. That sounds like a lot, but is not even twice the energy output of the Tsar Bomba nuclear test (indeed, the Soviets could have produced a 100 Mt bomb, but were worried about the fallout it would have generated and the fact that the bomber delivering it would not be able to escape the explosion in the time it would take to fall), and less than one one-millionth of the energy of the Chixculub asteroid impact. Both of those events actually happened on Earth and we’re still here, so, no, a planet-destroyer this is not.

In fact, the Tsar Bomba only had a lethal blast radius of less than 70 miles (115 kilometers) in the air (that’s how far away the delivery plane was, and it survived), so if this thing was buried 30 miles under the ground I’m not entirely sure if it would harm *anyone*.

In fact, just *getting* that far underground would require far more energy than the bomb’s payload would produce. This “digger class laser” would have to, presumably very quickly, in order for it to be useful, evaporate 602,880 cubic m of crust material, which would be around 1,627,776,000 metric tons. Given that most of the crust (60 percent ish) is SiO2 it would have to be brought up above 2950 degrees C. …That is unlikely, to say the least, and is far more terrifying than flinging antimatter at planets. If we take into consideration the innate inefficiency of laser generators, and atmospheric losses the final output would have to be in the exawatt(at least) range. The waste heat alone should turn the bomb (not considering the antimatter) and every ship near it into a rapidly expanding cloud of monatomic gas. Then there is the effect of the silicon gas explosion. That alone might cause catastrophic damage all over the continent… assuming the light and gas pressure didn’t just propel the bomb *away* from the ground instead like some kind of stupid DARPAfied version of Jules Verne’s moon cannon.


I have said it before, and I will say it again. The Council Races, as a whole, are not idiots. If Gary Stumanity’s OP technology could have been developed from first principles, then they would have developed it unless there was a clear advantage to available Prothean-inspired designs (which, for that matter, the Protheans themselves had to have developed from somewhere, for some reason).

I’d like to say I’m surprised by your odd fixation on the genophage and other sterilization methods in fighting *against* the Council, but given the amount of dick-waving and bizarre red-pilly statements in the rest of the ‘fic, yeah, I’m really not. Although, according to the Salarians’ rationalization, the genophage was a better alternative to complete and total genocide. If the stumans start ruining Council homeworlds – even the oddly-reviled turians’ – the Salarians won’t go for the balls this time. The stumans’ AIs will have plenty of time to think up a cure after everyone’s died from a straight-up engineered plague.
You aren’t winning this one, Grand Moff.

Great work on the groundgame in Tokyo, by the way, if of course we’re using First War’s unique language where words sometimes mean the opposite of what they usually do, because the groundgame in Tokyo was incredibly confusing and also *boring as balls*. Apparently, you’re willing to allow the turians semi-portable gun emplacements that can take down spacecraft as they enter the atmosphere… but you still have their *ships* be unable to reliably do the same thing and also has them be surprised at the existence of the human Cairo Station ripoffs- which are larger and more cumbersome but seem to have the same or lesser impact on the turians compared to these guns which flat-out make getting near Tokyo impossible.

It suddenly occurs to me that these guys apparently knew the ship was there but were unable to get close to it (which is… very strongly reminiscent of the Voi mission from Halo 3, now that I think of it), but still made absolutely no attempt to communicate with it even after learning that the war was started under false pretenses.

Speaking of things ripped off, I really hope this “John Doe” guy doesn’t stick around, because he’s basically just the Master Chief from Halo with less personality and a tendency to kill surrendering turians even after that one Navy drone made the big long speech about how much better the humans were because they took some prisoners; recite weird mantras that imply women are living creatures and men are inanimate; and nearly teamkill his own guys. Where does the name ‘SIGMA’ come from, in-universe, anyway? What’s sigmoid about them? If it’s an acronym, what does it stand for? I don’t think even any of the stupid pointless codex entries answered that question.

And after that, a “General Shin Somal” (ooh, now it’s kind of a mix of Sinic and Hebrew!) gets POV’d and wonders why the human troops are jumping out of their shuttles “to their death”. Because apparently, in their multiple thousands of years of mechanized, airborne combat, the Turian Hierarchy never employed aerial insertions, or even invented *parachutes*. Even though the turian Armagier drop-troops are a canonical thing. This isn’t even insulting to the turians any more, it’s just ludicrous in defiance of all basic common sense. Do you assume that the turians are worse at aerodynamic math because they have three fingers and humans have five? I’m sure someone will get OUTRAGED! over it soon enough. I’m not sure how the turians can see them at *all* when the Spartan-knockoffs can turn *invisible* but that’s a minor quibble at this point, as is the fact that the SIGMAS treat wingsuits as a new development when they’ve been commercially produced since the 1990s.
noobie53 chapter 17 . 1/20/2020
Damn. You might as well rename this "Warhammer: Rise of the Imperium."
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 9 . 1/7/2020
“Alright folks, we’ve pushed the Turian Fleet from Earth and are beginning the counter-strike on the homeland!”

The hell do you mean “we”? Do you literally believe yourself to be a member of a fictitious space navy? Or are you just admitting that the humans were only able to get this far through the force of sheer authorial fiat?

Okay, I’m out of half-assed alien movie references, sorry.”

You know, I’m kind of surprised that movie didn’t get referenced here earlier.

And, actually, before I read the second line, given your apparent confusion about which side of the fourth wall you yourself inhabit, I thought you were literally saying that in-universe the Alliance was going to start celebrating November 4th as its independence day (from… the turians? Makes as much sense as anything else here).


The farther I get, the more I notice that everything related to the military has to have a long name that’s abbreviated to a 3 to 4 letter acronym, like “First Strike Ground Troopers”. It’s like you’re trying to make enough to have your own version of that scene in Good Morning, Vietnam where Robin Williams speaks only in acronyms, except they’re all really weird, childish things like “Orbital Dropping Death Dealers”.
The farther I get, the more I *also* notice this story includes a lot of empty intensifying adjectives in its narration, generally italicised or boldfaced, and it also goes for the most intense adjective or verb possible to describe something- the turians aren’t just outnumbered, they’re “***absolutely*** outnumbered”, and they don’t just die, they get “***utterly*** decimated”. It all starts to sound… well, not just immature, but “***extremely*** childish”, and also makes the narration sound weirdly pissed off about things that are, by all accounts, relatively mundane. Oddly this seems to happen more in the expositional big-picture parts of the story as opposed to the parts that are POVing a specific character and would have reason to be a little more emotionally-charged; this is probably because the entire purpose of most of the expositional segments is to beat into our skulls how god damned L33T the humans are.

An “attack” on New York and you namedrop “Ground Zero”. Real subtle.

Actually, the whole first *scene* is Real Subtle. That baby wouldn’t move if you put four thousand volts through it! It’s bleeding demised! It’s not pining, it’s passed on! This baby is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired, and gone to see its maker! This is a late baby! It’s wasted! Bereft of life! It rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the scene it’d be pushing up the daisies! It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This! Is! An! EX! BABY!

And yet, somehow, despite the scene basically grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me back and forth, and screaming in my face “YOU NEED TO BE *SAD* NOW, OK?” I… don’t really feel at all sad. The humans *really kinda had it coming*, in fact. First off, this ‘strike’ was legitimately a mistake made during a pitched battle for the lives of every single turian in a multi-thousand-ship-strong fleet. If you don’t want your cities to get shot at, don’t shoot at the other guy with a city right behind you. What even was the Alliance’s plan to deal with the wreckage they would have created if they *won*, and prevent it from just *falling* on New York?
Second off who cares about the rules? The humans obviously don’t care about them, even the civilians are willing to strap on suicide vests at the slightest provocation just to spill a little more blue blood for the Dong God; and they have used orbital kinetic weaponry *on themselves* twice over. Remember Beijing? Because I’m pretty sure that’s all you can do with Beijing any more.
That, and just in general they’re a militarized, racist, paranoid, crypto-fascist menace to galactic civilization which would probably be shut down sooner rather than later. I stand by my sentiment from previous chapters that the turians should’ve been bombing human targets deliberately from the very beginning of this conflict.
And of course the Council second-guesses the turians’ every move, blithely unaware of the menace the humans pose. I am legitimately torn on whether this is better or worse than just the “classic” variety of Council-bashing where all three voting members are great friends with each other and portrayed as equally dumb / harassed equally for actually being smart.
The actual pretext for kicking someone off the Council is… *incredibly* vague. Not violating some other, more specific regulation, not a special vote with a higher standard of passage, not even “high crimes and misdemeanors”, just… ‘dishonorably’?
Who even decides what’s ‘dishonorable’ and what isn’t? They say there’s a majority vote (or at least the remaining members can decide to have a majority vote… by some means other than *another vote*?) to determine whether the ostracized member “should continue serving the Council” (which I’d *assume* means being an associate race…), but that implies by omission that some *other* method is used to decide on the revocation of the voting position. What would *that* be? Does it just happen automatically? What happens if Councilor Sparatus then decides that Tevos T’sael’s *outfit* is ‘dishonerable’? Is it like the Bridge of Eternal Peril from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where everyone including the original accuser can just get bounced off for the slightest misstep?

(Lotta Monty Python in this review. Go figure.)

It is also not lost on me that one of the things Councilor Sborn Eistan (who I guess is just a very Norwegian salarian, just like Ross Sjorn and Mal Staltone were very European turians) throws out of the book at Sparatus is “failing to notify the Council of a new species” when his own government *also* failed to notify the Council of the *same* species when they wrote that weird report about World War Three or whatever. The claim that the humans didn’t know they were breaking Citadel law is also just flat-out not true, since they had contact with the quarians and even had access to the Codex and thus had every ability to know what they were doing. That, and if a new species has to be *told* “Hey, you know, mass-murder is *bad*, please don’t hinder the pursuit of people who do it,” then there’s probably going to be some significant friction with the wider galactic community regardless.

A perfect example of this comes when the turians move to retreat, and the humans chase *after* them and *surround them to cut off their escape before wiping them out to the last man, at significant cost of human lives*.
Never mind *how* the humans are able to avoid damaging *themselves* in this maneuver when it is literally a circular firing squad. Or possibly it’s a *spherical* firing squad, that would make more sense in space, but it’s really not clear because *nothing* in these battles is at all clear when all of the ships are still just empty ping-pong balls.
Also not sure how their teleportation whatsit prevents the turians from escaping when during the whole New York panic it was established to take two minutes to warm up.
Also *also* not sure how the humans’ sem- I mean, *projectiles* can strike multiple ships in a row when they were previously established to hit one ship and then lodge there (also, why do they never go *past* the turian ships if that’s happening? After all that cheap melodrama over New York taking a shell, you go ahead and shotgun the surface of mars, which *apparently* has colonies on it even though neither the turians nor humans seemed to be aware of this before now).
Additionally, due to the way the scenes are constructed the whole circular firing squad appears to happen *twice*. It gets retold a couple of times from different perspectives, which is at least structurally valid (although why you felt the need to belabor *this* particular action mystifies me… are you *proud* of the fact that the humans did this?), but the omniscient narration perspective mentions them retreating, getting trapped, then retreating *again* before the quarians show up. Weird.
Your beta definitely did not seem to be doing his job, if anything there’s more typos and words-that-mean-the-opposite-of-what-they-should-mean in this chapter than in the others.

Also, I can always tell when an author has a Pet Idea because even characters who have never communicated with each other in-universe all use *exactly the same terminology to describe it*- for instance, here, the humans’ teleporting-missile trick is described by the turians, the humans, *and* the expositional generalized third-person narration as “opening wormholes in front of the missiles” even though it would be simpler to just call them “teleporting missiles”.

Oh yeah, and Christopher McGraw is back again, continuing to be every bit as obnoxious as he is *utterly pointless*. Seriously, what does he do that a bunch of other no-name scientists who appear for only a single scene and have no personality couldn’t be doing instead? It’s not like you have a problem writing that type of character in the action bits…
I feel like I’d be dinging him for a lot more physics fails if he *actually said anything comprehensible*, but as it stands all of his dialogue is just a mess of “charged antimatter Mass spheres” that isn’t remotely scientific. What even is the point of giving the Alliance *another* planet-destroying weapons system when they already have several others of varying degrees of plausibility, anyway?
Also, using antimatter to destroy DNA is a terrible idea. Ignoring for the moment *how* such a thing could be targeted (something McStu claims is possible but never explains), there are estimated to be between six and sixty grams of DNA in an average human- converting all of that to energy would produce somewhere on the order of ten to the thirteen or ten to the fourteen Joules, a range that comfortably includes Little Boy and Fat Man, so every creature “selectively” targeted by this thing would in fact explode with the force of a literal nuclear bomb.
Putting aside the disturbing implications of a weapon that targets and kills living beings based solely on their genetics (after all, the whole human groundgame already raises the spectre of the “conscript absolutely everyone as irregular forces” policies put in place by the Axis powers once they started badly losing the Second World War), the whole point of it is… to be the Crucible from Mass Effect 3? Why, out of everything else you changed from canon *to accomplish absolutely no purpose*, did *this* have to stay?

Really, at this point, I’m pretty sure the humans are indeed *worse* than the rachi. The rachni didn’t shelter other random mass murderers they happened to come across. The rachni didn’t obliterate their own population centers to settle turf disputes between nation-states. And the rachni didn’t make so. Many. Horrible. Rambling. *Speeches*.
Guest chapter 2 . 12/29/2019
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 8 . 12/3/2019
Wait, so… this story is using a strictly Newtonian/relativistic interpretation of M.E. ship weapons? That gives them massive amounts of energy on impact.
I have some problems with that even being a thing, most of which boil down to the Mass Effect universe being absolutely chock-full of evil dumb people and thus if it was actually possible to routinely generate that amount of energy then there would be very little of galactic civilization left standing; I think it makes much more sense (although there are a few issues with the underlying physics) for mass-manipulation to make it possible for things to travel at very high velocity while maintaining moderate kinetic energy scales.

But assuming this somewhat dubious premise is indeed true… *how the HELL is there any human resistance LEFT by now*? One shot from a mass-accelerator cannon and a ship without kinetic barriers is *gone*, no matter what the hell kind of armor it’s carrying. One hit and that stupid Mars-bound cannon is *gone*, unless it’s buried deep underground and can only fire up out of a very narrow hole. A few rounds in shallow water and *the entire stupid sea-bound navy* is *gone*, either capsized by the pressure wave or swamped by the giant water wave produced. With the tens of thousands of ships the turians have, they should be entirely capable of polishing the entirety of Earth’s surface down to a nice glassy sheen.

And the turians don’t *want* to start orbital strikes against Earth? I mean, I could see them being reluctant to harm civilian targets with indiscriminate bombardment *to begin with*, but by this point it should be clear that literally everyone on Earth is going to fight tooth-and-nail to kill as many turians as they can and so the whole planet is going to get leveled sooner or later anyway; may as well end the galaxy-scale threat the humans represent with a minimum of friendly bloodshed. The way said fighting is described also seems to be implying that the turian military is limited strictly to very basic march-in-a-line-and-die tactics and can’t even comprehend the idea of avoiding enemy fire. Not only is that insulting and stupid, and contradicted by the fact that turian characters are perfectly capable of fighting effectively in canon, but it’s also contradicted *in the ‘fic itself* by the turians using cover and ambush tactics during the assault on the military base on Roof. (Have I mentioned that naming a planet ‘Roof’ makes every sentence sound wrong even though it’s not? Thanks for that.)

I think it’s *very* odd that Director Dickwad cuts off that Bible verse (Matthew 5:38) when he does. The full passage is:
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.”
which is surprisingly accurate in how the Alliance expects the Turian Hierarchy to handle the murder of ten thousand of its citizens- by sitting there and letting the Alliance shoot ten thousand more on top of that with anything less being met with OUTRAGE! from the humans.

Other than that, though, these chapters seem to have settled into a weird sort of cycle:

1: Someone will employ some sort of tactic that is either incredibly obvious but somehow had never been thought of before, or is incredibly stupid but somehow works (there is a greater than 50% chance that the tactic will be something that was employed in a previous chapter by either the targets or the people who are using it now, but both sides will treat it as a complete surprise).
2: A stupidly large number of objects that we have never seen before and never had described and consequently don’t care about will be destroyed as a result.
3: The other side will get OUTRAGED! about it.
4: Someone will make a melodramatic speech.
5: The overall course of the conflict will be utterly unchanged.

Some comparatively minor notes:

Unsure how turians are succumbing to Earth diseases in only a *day*… and why they are succumbing at *all* when they operate on other planets all the time and should know to take the basic medical precautions necessary to prevent this from happening.

I have previously held back on calling bullshit on the “kinetic barriers don’t activate for non-relativistic projectiles” thing because, while it’s an incredibly cheap way to give the humans a way to damage the turians without mass-effect weaponry of their own (which covers a defficiency of the humans that had no particular reason to ever have in the first place, but whatever), I thought there wasn’t a specific well-defined location where canon explicitly contradicts it. But there actually is- kinetic barriers are also used to defend against *micrometeor impacts*, and those can travel at all sorts of velocities. So, yeah, that vulnerability is bullshit.

Also worthy of the all-natural fertilizer business is this whole ‘fighting spacecraft with WWII-era naval ships’ thing, which is nonsensical on multiple levels. Even assuming that the humans’ rail kinetic weapons would be effective against turian defenses (which they’re not), you can’t just bolt them to a diesel-fueled battleship and call it a day- the power distribution and generation systems are completely different, there’s loading and cooling to consider, the structural elements aren’t going to be set up to handle that kind of recoil along different vectors, and anything like a spinal gun is going to be completely out of the question. And that’s not even considering the outdated communications, medical, and other systems onboard. Even if the ‘Murcans somehow managed to accomplish this downright Mythbusterian feat of engineering -in a matter of ****days****, no less- they are still left with ships that *can only move relatively slowly along the surface of the ocean*. That’s a crippling weakness when compared to spacecraft that can *fly*. Even assuming that, *somehow*, every single turian craft suffered crippling weapons and shield failures simultaneously and became vulnerable to these relics, there is nothing at all stopping them from just *going inland where the sea fleet can’t follow*- indeed, they’ll *need* to do that to secure most of the Earth’s landmass. What are they even *doing* so far off the coast to begin with anyway? There’s nothing of strategic value in the ocean for them to *want*.

I would say this is the most ridiculous thing in the history of Mass Effect fanfiction, but I said the exact same thing about the mass-murdering quarians and the anime mechs in previous chapters and you *somehow* managed to top those, so now I know better.
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 1 . 11/19/2019
Good on the humans for somehow failing to realize that the Charon Relay was even *there* for nearly a century, just in time for the turians to use as a backdoor into the Sol System.

And good on the turians for not just approaching Earth along a path that *doesn’t go near Mars* when there’s this apparently this giant stationary gun discovered on the planet. Gosh, the Alliance sure was lucky Earth and Mars just so happened to be close to each other at that time for this to even take place.

Additionally, nobody *cares* how dong… err, I mean, how *long* the humans’ eight bajillion different spaceship classes are compared to the turians’. Being larger does not automatically make them better. Much like the last few chapters in general, actually… This story seems very much under the impression that just *saying* in dialogue that “a bajillion ships just got destroyed!” is somehow an acceptable substitute for actual tension or action. The fleets are both given these relatively large sizes, but there’s no actual sense of the scale or logistics that would be involved in the two of them coming together and fighting; they might as well be salvos of identical ping-pong balls.

Tentatively calling bullshit on the “antimatter means dicks… err, I mean, *ships* can be arbitrarily large but Element Zero doesn’t” thing, because that seems to be implying that the humans’ FTL is able to propel an arbitrarily increasing mass at constant acceleration without any increase in its power consumption, and that might as well just flash a giant message across the sky saying “HEY, PHYSICISTS, PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND BEAT ME SENSELESS WITH BILLY CLUBS MADE OF ROLLED-UP PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE PATENTS”. I say ‘tentatively’ because, while that is what the story *says*, it might not be what you *meant*, seeing as this is also the work where the humans have an advantage of technological inferiority and having their missiles shot at with GARDIAN lases causes a human fleet to spontaneously be wiped out.

Oh yeah, and Christopher McGraw has now gone from an obnoxious, unnecessary Gary Stu character to an obnoxious, unnecessary Gary Stu character *powered by really inaccurate neurology*. Yippee…
What the hell kind of name is ‘the Brain Booster’, anyway? It sounds like a creepypasta monster, a Silver Age Green Lantern villain, or possibly both. Perhaps McStu Senior should have gotten the turians to name it, since *they* seem to have absolutely no problem coming up with and using perfectly mundane human names like ‘Ross Sjorn’.

And then there’s anime-style mechas for some reason? I mean, this gave up any pretense of being serious or realistic military science-fiction a long, long time ago, but I guess it’s nice to just go ahead and make that official.

Finally, all of these human Bland Military Dudes’ speeches about how OOOOUTRAAAAAGED! they are over the turian invasion ring more than a little hollow given that this whole thing was started by the Alliance assisting in the flight of the mass-murdering quarians (that still feels so weird to type) and joining the quarians’ attack on the turians and batarians without so much as a how-do-you-do. The six thousand humans the turians supposedly killed (which actually seems *low* given that at least one planet-scale battle has already taken place and hundreds of ships have been destroyed; do the crews max out at ten or so each?) are still not quite two thirds of the number of turians the quarians killed *for really no reason at all* to start all of this. Forgive me if I remain… unmoved.
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 4 . 10/30/2019
This story wasn’t really GREAT before this chapter- it spent a lot of time belaboring logistical points that don’t really contribute to the narrative, and the Alliance just kind of spontaneously manifested a lot of implausible technology really quickly for no reason, and there’s a lot of very odd names and confusing turns of phrase in the actual writing, and McGraw is an obnoxious Gary Stu who has no reason I can think of to even be existing- but I’d have to say that right here is where it well and truly goes off the rails.

Before this, we had a kind of weirdly-paced and technologically dubious but basically conceptually sound alternate-first-contact scenario where a peaceful contact occurs with the quarians instead of a violent one with the turians. Now we learn that the reason the quarians were in unexplored space was because… the Migrant Fleet murdered ten thousand turian colonists because the quarians were pissed off in a territorial dispute? *WAT*?

As far as anyone with an ounce of sense is concerned, the entire Council is entirely justified in pursuing the quarians and anyone who harbors them after this. Yeah, the Codex claims that *maybe* the captains who started it were exiled, but 1) exile has historically been a very *soft* punishment reserved for nobles and minor offenders, 2) that sort of thing doesn’t happen without at least tacit approval both up and down the chain of command, and 3) the rest of the Fleet joined in immediately afterward. If they really wanted to make things right, the quarians would have stopped shooting and extradited the offenders to the Council for proper trials.

So now we have a weirdly-paced, technically dubious story where the quarians are both the POV characters and *the bad guys*, but nobody in-universe even *realizes* this.

My God, *how did we get here*?
Guest chapter 10 . 8/26/2019
Fak the quarians. Just destroy Pavalen, lol.
Foxy-Floof chapter 1 . 8/20/2019
Hoooo boy. This is a HECK of a first chapter and prologue.

If Humanity, relatively united in scientific and peaceful civilian expansion met the Migrant fleet...

This is interesting. I'm HOOKED
Francisco914 chapter 18 . 8/13/2019
Booo! I dispprove Citadel and Humans having free migration!
CrazyMinh chapter 14 . 8/7/2019
This fic...

...I can’t even think where to begin. The humans are set up as the good guys, yet they commit a indiscriminate massacre of both military AND civilian targets situated across a entire world...because New York and Tokyo got fucked over. They commit horrific acts against other sentient beings, and yet are justified in their actions by the narration. In this very chapter, you- the author- introduce a family that is just as human as...well...a actual human family, only to kill them off in a mass orbital bombardment on the Turian capital.

This is a story where a psychotic, barbaric version on humanity is given agency by the narration to do horrible things without consequence or justification. Where weapons of mass destruction are tossed around like confetti. A story where mass murder is presented as the morally white decision.

This is without going into the elements of the story ripped right out of Halo, the bullshit names like “Orbital Death Dropping Dealersa hideously comical ripoff of the ODSTs from Halo, with a name that made me piss myself laughing; a character who is so goddam insufferable that I wanted to rip the smug asshole’s jugular out and tie it round his neck; and a cast of unlikable protagonists who pointlessly discuss how their actions could be construed as evil, before deciding “fuck it, let’s murder some planets”.

My suggestion? Rewrite this fucking mess, and the messes that followed it. Make this less of a eye-gorging HFY fic, and more of a serious attempt to write a gritty, moral tale painted in shades of grey. Not some HFY-wank fanfic with all of the above qualities.
Guest chapter 2 . 7/11/2019
6% lightspeed is insanely fast, considering canon Dreadnought speed is 1.3%. One 20kg projectile would one shot any ship in Mass Effect canon.
Guest chapter 1 . 7/11/2019
I felt the Quarian crew were acting like they're the ones who've never meet another species before. Weird.
Guy chapter 4 . 7/9/2019
So they create protocols that protect earth, but then completely ignore them after one completely failed conversation that involved a firefight, then proceed to lock out key people under the same rules they have already invalidated just so this punk kid can be part of your important conference? I already get the feeling this is just a two hundred thousand word fanservice fiction about how awesome humans are and how useless everyone else is, so I don't know why I am surprised it doesnt make any sense. I wish you the best, but this is not for me.
LoneNoble chapter 5 . 7/6/2019
I love that you found a way to add MAC guns, Spartans, and ODST's in the story while making it sound totally original! I love it lol, im enjoying the halo references and inspiration whisky they don't intrude too heavily into the story..i hope it gets better from here
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