|Reviews for Next Great Adventure New Beginnings|
| Valliere chapter 3 . 4/5
The story seems interesting, at first... as I begun to read it, I started to notice some mistakes... which I tried to ignore and go on with the story... but the mistakes grew, a lot, so i'm sorry that I have to abandon the reading, but it became unreadable.
I am no english speaker, and in reading this story I had to stop, return back to read and trying to interpretate what you were trying to write...
I get this story was written with all good intentions, but it is honestly quite hard to read...
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/7/2017
Ol Joe is right, the premise seemed fine but the text chunks completely turned me off, sorry. Didn't finish the first chapter.
| Ol'Joe chapter 1 . 5/26/2016
This story is unreadable due to 'wall of text'. The premise seems fun, but the strain isn't worth it.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/7/2016
Have you played ME? Your time line is Impossible. You have Omega run by Aria, but they don’t know what a human is? You need a re-write.
| The Void Sage chapter 7 . 3/20/2015
Two points: First, your charters responses and interactions are very bland and static, i find no way to connect with them personally as they are not very well fleshed out. Second, your time line is very short and cut, events happen quickly and are not described in detail, with the addition of the large time skips i also have a hard time relating to the story, i feel like im just being told; this happened, a few years passed, then this happened
| moosejuice5 chapter 2 . 1/30/2015
You mean trunk not truck.
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/25/2015
I'm not trying to be mean but I don't think I'll continue reading this story. You don't seem to know how Asari reproduce. There is no way for Liara to have inherit magic or Harry's green eyes because there is no transfer of genetic material. I'm guessing that Liara having magic is going to be a main point and that doesn't sit well with me. I did enjoy reading the story up to this point though.
| Talon5Krrde chapter 11 . 3/7/2014
So, where is part 12?
This is an interesting story.
| zmanjz chapter 4 . 1/25/2014
Ah, the master of death effect. (Arguably the end of the harry potter movies show that Harry ages slowly once he reaches maturity, and that this effect may effect those in regular direct contact with him)
| DarkPirateKing69 chapter 10 . 12/29/2013
well, despite my initial knee-jerk reaction as the fan of the series even before it became mainstream.. this has been pretty entertaining so far. i don't mention grammar, since you are already aware of the fact. now, i'm gonna check out that rewrite and the sequel.
| DarkPirateKing69 chapter 3 . 12/29/2013
ah, you are using the CE years to measure time even in Harry's world? 200CE was when the events of this chapter happened. it wasn't until 75 years later that humans got out of Solar System (The Manswell Expedition). in 2149 CE they made their first Mass Relay jump from Charon Relay..
god dammit, i'm doing it again.. i'm not gonna bother with such 'unnecessary details' anymore and take everything at the face value from now on. i just assume that everything happen(s)/(ed) because of Deus Ex Machina and leave it at that.
| DarkPirateKing69 chapter 2 . 12/29/2013
can you clarify where exactly in the timeline you're currently on? and how closely you follow the whole procedure of Humans integrating themselves into the Galaxy and whatnot? is it 2075 when The Manswell Expedition launches from Earth? obviously this is before The First Contact War or Turian would have shot him most likely on reflex..
i find ME's history rather fascinating myself, so it would be a big disappointment (understatement of a decade) if Harry just appeared by some unexplained Deus Ex Machina and everything else is ignored.. and how the fuck did the Veil transform in to some kind of spacecraft? or did the Wizarding world make complete 180 in their views and became high tech? and did he just repair completely alien tech (to him) by magic without blinking an eye or any complications. i personally think that being an engineer in relatively primitive Earth doesn't quite compare to ME universes equivalent.. or is the Elder Wand the ultimate DEM in this?
whew.. i still have many questions, but i just realized they are all pointless just like the ones above. you already have written this with an ongoing sequel to boot.. so nothing is gonna change regardless of what i say here.. but at least i got it out of my chest.
| DarkPirateKing69 chapter 1 . 12/29/2013
just hoping that the use of intimidating blocks of text is just a one time thing. even with 3/4 width, they are rather tedious to go through on regular basis.
| Mad about the Boro chapter 1 . 11/14/2013
Not bad, though I'd suggest you upload this rewrite as a separate story to avoid confusion (plus I kind of liked the old version). Other than that it's a good start to a story that will hopefully fill in some more of the blanks left in the original. Keep up the good work.
| TheNStorm chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
Summary looked interesting, and I think the nonjon start to almost any HP fanfic is fun.
I find problems in your story from the second paragraph on, however. You have MarySue syndrome-you give you character all the powers of the universe in just a minute or two, and we readers feel left behind. We want to see how Harry accomplishes his training, to feel as though we've been there as he worked. And, most importantly, we want to feel as though you didn't just sit down and think something like "now, what powers do I want Harry to have? Well, I think he should be a martial artist, and then have some academic knowledge, something that'll make him able to cope with understanding in the Mass Effect world. How long should it take? Oh, five years should be enough!"
When you just dump all his abilities on him, to your audience it feels as though Harry didn't earn his place, or even as though he doesn't really exist. He's more a cardboard-cutout you dropped into the Mass Effect world without any real story behind him.
If you wanted to fix this, the cure is really, really simple: write more. Tell us what got Harry to the point he's now at, or if you don't feel like making a prologue fifteen chapters long, pick less powers (which you should do anyway, because giving a character powers he'll never really use is one of the worst ideas you can really have in any serious, or even cohesive, story) and don't tell us about them at all at the start. Wait until he's talking to somebody or in a situation in which he needs to use those powers (early on, preferably) and *then* show us that he has them and provide us with a little explanation of how he got them. Whatever you do, never, NEVER just write out a list of things your main character can do at the beginning of the story-that's great plot summary and horrible story-telling.
Beyond that, when you're explaining, say, a device that Harry's been working on, try not to be obvious about using it as a prop. Give it a name, have Harry explain its purpose and his plans for it independently of saying that it's the only way to go through the veil-instead of "I want to go through the veil" "you can't" "But I have this device" (which looks very suspicious to any reader), your conversation could be something like "You can't escape us Harry!" "Now's as good a time as any to test my device!" Harry leaves. In other words, you don't need to show us your reasoning in having the device around as a narrative aid. Just show us its working and a bit of dialogue to go with it.
Hope this helps a little,