|Reviews for Fated Death|
| Parks98 chapter 1 . 6/29
so wait when did zel. take emiya to another dimension?
| Guardoflight chapter 8 . 5/29
This was a unique story that I enjoyed, it's good that you acknowledged you screwed up and working to fix that. Personally I think Shirou's current shikai was very appropriate for the faker and their struggle for her identity since I imagine spending her time in a field of swords would lead to questions on who she is and her own self worth compared to some Shirou's other powerful weapons.
I'm a little disappointed that Unlimited Bladeworks was never used during the fic since that would allow Nanika to meet with Shirou's friends partly as a way using it to make her happy instead of insecure/ jealous. My own question about Nanika is why would she be dressed in a golden qipao?
Try to avoid pairing and just let relationships for naturally and using Durandel. I think having 3 captains as teachers was a bit much you should have only at most have one captain as a teacher with two people of lower seated ranks teach him.
Given Nanika unique nature of being a sentient sword I'm kind of curious of how far he would go to protect her. I'm glad you decided not to delete this and I hope you post here when you upload your new and improved version of this.
| greymouser chapter 1 . 4/18
Huh. I dislike howeasily Shirou accepted his death. And how the shinigami was so insistent on trying to arrest him. It was quite annoying and ended all the interest I had on this story.
| Ravelon chapter 1 . 3/31
Um, Hel is a name. She is Loki's daughter and governs over Underworld, Niflheim I think. I don't remember what world is fiery though. Musplheim, I think? Look it up. In this case mistaking a name from Norse miphology with name from Christianity is HUGE.
| Restless Shadows chapter 1 . 3/23
Damn writer's block, the bane of us all. Good work on the story, well orchestrated and all that.
| Benevolent Darkness chapter 2 . 12/20/2014
Just earlier in the story, Shirou was told one could become a shinigami through the academy and he took it in stride. At the end of this chapter, though, he is suddenly awestruck at the concept. This makes absolutely no sense. Also, I think he is bipolar. Shirou is the kind of person to naturally be forgiving, but, considering what he's gone through, somewhat cautious. When you had Shirou angry at Rukia and cautious about shinigami in general, I thought "Well, that's fine. It makes sense, after all. I can easily get on board with this idea." But then you had him forgiving everybody and throwing all caution to the wind in absolute contrast with everything else you had (What with him suddenly forgiving everybody without rhyme nor reason), it just grates on my nerves. It's poor characterization unless you want the character to be bipolar or mentally inept.
Please keep your characters in character. If you start out with them acting one way, and you want them to act another way, you have to show a gradual transition to make them a dynamic character. You can't just have somebody completely change character in order to push the plot along or to have a dramatic moment you really want to happen. Think about how you would act in the context and then determine if that's how your character would act. It would help.
Also, read level 1 intelligent characters. It'll give you some good context about what Lord of the Rings did wrong in one scene. It might make you understand this concept better.
Other than that, you have good grammar that only 10% of fanfic writers have. Good spelling, too, so congrats on being practically the only person to have a vocabulary or use auto-correct (because people don't seem to know how to use auto-correct). You also have a good idea going, you just need to work on making your characters intelligent.
| Benevolent Darkness chapter 1 . 12/20/2014
I think one of the reasons people aren't appreciating this story is because of your version of the soul burial. In the anime and manga, the soul burial is done through a seal on the base of the zanpakuto, in which the shinigami taps the spirit on the forehead with the base of the zanpakuto. The plus would then appear in a random place in Rukongai. That's why families will almost never meet in the afterlife. Also, presumably, the less spirit energy a person has, the more of their former life they forget (though that's just speculation).
Also, after Shirou was so against going with Rukia, it's kind of surprising the change of heart he had, in deciding to go with Rukia to see the captain. It's a bit annoying how he simply changed his mind with no reasoning after he was so adamant about not going.
| Freed-sama chapter 8 . 10/16/2014
If you're seriously looking for some help with you're writing and you can take some criticism I suggest checking out the Dark Lord Potter forms. Just google Dark Lord Potter. As the name may indicate it is a form that targets Harry Potter fanfiction but they do have sub-forms for other universes. Some of the best stories on were originally produced and edited on the DLP forms.
As for romantic interests i've always been a fan of Sui Feng.
Personally, I would recommend keeping this version of the story up and simply starting a new one.
I look forward to seeing you rework this fic.
| Freed-sama chapter 3 . 10/16/2014
Nanika as in something? A shape shifting blade perhaps? Looking forward to the next chapter.
| Freed-sama chapter 1 . 10/16/2014
Really liking this so far
| X the Reaper chapter 8 . 6/20/2014
I recently sent you a PM, but I'm not entirely certain if you got it due you not answering back. So just in case, I'll put it here as well.
Hmm, ideas for a rewrite...
Well, in terms of division, I would suggest the perhaps the 10th or 13th. The 10th because it would be funny to watch Rangiku to hit on him and share with Toshiro's frustrations, while the 13th because it would be a way for him to form a friendship with Rukia easier, plus Ukitake seems like the sort of guy he could start a friendship with, given his personality.
As for a starting point, it would likely be best if you started this perhaps sometime after the whole Arrancar Arc, but also before or perhaps even during the Fullbring Arc. I say this because it would interesting to see what happened during the seventeen month timeskip before Ichigo got his powers back.
As for romantic interests, I'm not entirely certain. I would personally like it if you used Sui-Feng, but I don't know if that would fit. Her dedication to following the law, no matter what, would be an interesting contrast to the 'hero of justice' motif that defines Shirou, at the very least. I might be willing to suggest Nel or even Harribel as well, due to their natures and willingness to care for their comrades.
Zanpakuto Ideas... I'm not saying that the idea of a Zanpakuto capable of Tracing other ones and using their powers is necessarily wrong, it just that it makes him seem rather overpowered, especially considering that he still possesses his normal Tracing abilities. Not to mention that its been done to death already in ones that he did become a Shinigami. It just sort of seems a little cheap to me.
Rather, I would suggest one based somewhat more on Avalon, since it was the very thing that changed his Origin to Sword and started him down his path, for good or ill; sort of like a defensive Zanpakuto. Imagine it's Shikai as sort of shield, capable of defending against most attacks while Shirou traced whatever weapon he needed to fight offensively. It's appearance would basically be Avalon if it looked like a shield, complete with the lettering on the front. The downside is that he needs to maneuver the shield in place to block.
It's Bankai would be more of an armor, like a knight's, surrounding his entire body in blue and gold while forming a new sword, like Excalibur in terms of appearance. In this form, the armor is capable of defending against most any attack, though now it obviously provides a greater range of protection, and the sword is able to release bursts of golden energy much like Ichigo can. The downside would be that he can't Trace any weapons in this form, and that the armor itself can only defend against so many strikes before it takes a severe toll on his reiatsu reserves.
I think it fits, since as a hero of justice, he would need to be just as much a 'shield' as a sword. His Tracing takes care of the 'sword', while his Zanpakuto is his 'shield'.
Which leads me to the final part; which Shirou should be used. As the whole idea of his Zanpakuto is based on his desire to protect others, I would suggest the Fate Shirou, or perhaps even some combination with his UBW self to take care of the need for a larger quality of weapons to trace. You could even have him wonder that if he's really dead, then why has he not rejoined Saber in Avalon, and a whole bit of wondering whether he'll ever be with her again. Afterwards though, he decides to keep going, realizing that his journey to protect the innocent is not quite over yet.
I would deeply appreciate it if you PM me back and tell me what you thought of my ideas, and if you need any clarification, please don't hesitate to ask. Thank you.
| Tisaku chapter 3 . 6/19/2014
It is against the law for any citizen of Soul Society to create weapons of a dangerous nature not sanctioned by the feudal government. To do so is treason.
So... Shirou commits treason almost every time he traces a weapon?
Also Rulebreaker is STUPID overpowered in the Bleach setting, the connection between a Shinigami and a Zanpakuto could be considered a contract...
| firebluebird2006 chapter 8 . 6/19/2014
for zanpakuto he should get swords similar to the twin swords he always uses. the two female captians as love interests would be interesting.
| 8-bit thief chapter 8 . 5/27/2014
Shirou's zanpakuto was a good idea. It matches who he is, but a little off. Remember, each zanpakuto is developed its own way due to influence from its owner's soul. As such, he should be unable to structurally grasp or trace any other zanpakutos, much less wield them. Keep it like this. His shikai allows him to morph it into any weapon in his reality marble with no prana cost, and his bankai be his unlimited blade works, same with no prana cost. This may seem like just retaking his abilities, but imagine this, he changes it to Gae Bolg and pierces the enemy, then changes it into a claymore. That wound just became a whole lot worse.
| michelous chapter 8 . 5/26/2014
i cant wait for new version