|Reviews for Fated Death|
| I Before A Except After K chapter 2 . 8/8
You're too explanation-heavy with your dialogue. The characters feel more like awkward mouthpieces for exposition than actual people. Limit the dialogue to what feels natural, and then have Shirou or whoever ask for clarification as needed.
| dark.muktadir chapter 8 . 3/12
For a story about shirou in bleach surrounded by Legendary weapons, there is not enough weapon copying going on. I was expecting his shikai to be much better, but as of now it seems weaker than his reality marble as it can only store 3 at once AND he cant draw out the real weilders experience from the weapons either.
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/4
I find your portrayal of shiro who was just essentially killed by the rukia to be unrealistic in his sudden willingness to just roll over and let them fuck him.
| InfiniteParadigmShifts chapter 3 . 2/19
When it comes to Aizen, he can manipulate the five senses, but not one's he has no understanding of. Say... Structural Analysis for instance, Shirou doesn't need to have his eyes open to do it, though it's the easiest medium for him to perform. It should make some interesting battles later, when everyone yells out that his eyes are closed, and yet he's truly blocking all of Aizen's strikes or the like.
| The Observant Reader chapter 2 . 10/31/2015
This is what I got from this story:
Shirou: "Oh no, monster is attacking! Kill It!"
Rukia: "Oh! guy with different powers! He seems confused...Attack!"
Shirou: "She killed me!
Rukia: "Come with me so that my superiors can question you and maybe lock you away/destroy you for being too powerful"
Shirou: "Best go with her and tell her and her bosses all of my secrets and what I can do!"
God that was annoying.
| Parks98 chapter 1 . 6/29/2015
so wait when did zel. take emiya to another dimension?
| Guardoflight chapter 8 . 5/29/2015
This was a unique story that I enjoyed, it's good that you acknowledged you screwed up and working to fix that. Personally I think Shirou's current shikai was very appropriate for the faker and their struggle for her identity since I imagine spending her time in a field of swords would lead to questions on who she is and her own self worth compared to some Shirou's other powerful weapons.
I'm a little disappointed that Unlimited Bladeworks was never used during the fic since that would allow Nanika to meet with Shirou's friends partly as a way using it to make her happy instead of insecure/ jealous. My own question about Nanika is why would she be dressed in a golden qipao?
Try to avoid pairing and just let relationships for naturally and using Durandel. I think having 3 captains as teachers was a bit much you should have only at most have one captain as a teacher with two people of lower seated ranks teach him.
Given Nanika unique nature of being a sentient sword I'm kind of curious of how far he would go to protect her. I'm glad you decided not to delete this and I hope you post here when you upload your new and improved version of this.
| greymouser chapter 1 . 4/18/2015
Huh. I dislike howeasily Shirou accepted his death. And how the shinigami was so insistent on trying to arrest him. It was quite annoying and ended all the interest I had on this story.
| Ravelon chapter 1 . 3/31/2015
Um, Hel is a name. She is Loki's daughter and governs over Underworld, Niflheim I think. I don't remember what world is fiery though. Musplheim, I think? Look it up. In this case mistaking a name from Norse miphology with name from Christianity is HUGE.
| Restless Shadows chapter 1 . 3/23/2015
Damn writer's block, the bane of us all. Good work on the story, well orchestrated and all that.
| Benevolent Darkness chapter 2 . 12/20/2014
Just earlier in the story, Shirou was told one could become a shinigami through the academy and he took it in stride. At the end of this chapter, though, he is suddenly awestruck at the concept. This makes absolutely no sense. Also, I think he is bipolar. Shirou is the kind of person to naturally be forgiving, but, considering what he's gone through, somewhat cautious. When you had Shirou angry at Rukia and cautious about shinigami in general, I thought "Well, that's fine. It makes sense, after all. I can easily get on board with this idea." But then you had him forgiving everybody and throwing all caution to the wind in absolute contrast with everything else you had (What with him suddenly forgiving everybody without rhyme nor reason), it just grates on my nerves. It's poor characterization unless you want the character to be bipolar or mentally inept.
Please keep your characters in character. If you start out with them acting one way, and you want them to act another way, you have to show a gradual transition to make them a dynamic character. You can't just have somebody completely change character in order to push the plot along or to have a dramatic moment you really want to happen. Think about how you would act in the context and then determine if that's how your character would act. It would help.
Also, read level 1 intelligent characters. It'll give you some good context about what Lord of the Rings did wrong in one scene. It might make you understand this concept better.
Other than that, you have good grammar that only 10% of fanfic writers have. Good spelling, too, so congrats on being practically the only person to have a vocabulary or use auto-correct (because people don't seem to know how to use auto-correct). You also have a good idea going, you just need to work on making your characters intelligent.
| Benevolent Darkness chapter 1 . 12/20/2014
I think one of the reasons people aren't appreciating this story is because of your version of the soul burial. In the anime and manga, the soul burial is done through a seal on the base of the zanpakuto, in which the shinigami taps the spirit on the forehead with the base of the zanpakuto. The plus would then appear in a random place in Rukongai. That's why families will almost never meet in the afterlife. Also, presumably, the less spirit energy a person has, the more of their former life they forget (though that's just speculation).
Also, after Shirou was so against going with Rukia, it's kind of surprising the change of heart he had, in deciding to go with Rukia to see the captain. It's a bit annoying how he simply changed his mind with no reasoning after he was so adamant about not going.
| Freed-sama chapter 8 . 10/16/2014
If you're seriously looking for some help with you're writing and you can take some criticism I suggest checking out the Dark Lord Potter forms. Just google Dark Lord Potter. As the name may indicate it is a form that targets Harry Potter fanfiction but they do have sub-forms for other universes. Some of the best stories on were originally produced and edited on the DLP forms.
As for romantic interests i've always been a fan of Sui Feng.
Personally, I would recommend keeping this version of the story up and simply starting a new one.
I look forward to seeing you rework this fic.
| Freed-sama chapter 3 . 10/16/2014
Nanika as in something? A shape shifting blade perhaps? Looking forward to the next chapter.
| Freed-sama chapter 1 . 10/16/2014
Really liking this so far