|Reviews for Nightmare of Reality|
| 13SapphireStars13 chapter 1 . 12/26/2013
oh this story is so cool! are you going to put some more chapters up? oh please do! i absolutely love this story!
| Smouse chapter 1 . 8/13/2013
... I'm not sure what I just read, but I'm glad I did. :)
It sure was original and interesting
| nihao.muse chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
Wow, great story. I make notes when I'm reading to make reviewing easier, and I just want you to know that one of them is "YES MEAN, EVIL MARIK YES." So clearly I was excited while reading this, haha. Marik is so rarely characterized as as spiteful and mean-spirited as he in canon, so I was so glad to read an accurate portrayal of him. Also, the mention of Jonouchi shivering in the darkness because of Marik's fear of it was a great touch. Kaiba was spot-on too, and he's another hard character to grasp. I wonder, did you decide to take on powershipping because of how this story turned out? Whether it's skewed puppy or powershipping, it was very interesting (and I'll pick powershipping, as I admittedly cannot stand the other...).
There are several instances in this story where more concise word choice would be beneficial. For instance: "finding a moist t-shirt, drenched with sweat" would sound better as "finding a t-shirt drenched with sweat" or "finding a sweat-drenched t-shirt." This also avoids the repetition of the adjective "moist," which is used soon after. Now this line: "After an indeterminable amount of time, his breathing eventually steadied." I don't think you should use both descriptors of time- "indeterminable amount" and "eventually." Since the least wordy choice is typically the best, you might want to leave only the latter in. One more note, about this line: "prickling presence tingling persistently and painfully at the back of his conscious." I like the alliteration, but at the same time, it feels like too much. The sentence gets too playful with sound, which contrasts the serious mood.
But, all of these are just suggestions! Wordiness is something I personally battle with, so I'm eyeing my own fics this same way to make them smoother and more concise. I hope what I've said helps a bit.
PS, I'm going to pretend Otogi and Honda were off having a beautiful love affair instead of being in Yugi's room. That's totally what happened.
Good luck in this round!
| darksomeness chapter 1 . 2/3/2013
Hot dayum you pulled this off well. :D :D :D When you got Whispershipping, I have to admit I was a little worried for you. Shouldn't have been, you did a wonderful job with it.
You were having a little confusion over what Whispershipping is in your A/N. If you ask me... it's a threesome. }:3 Mwahahaha.
RIGHT. The concrit that you worship so very much. -.-U Uhhh... well... I think you need to come up with a couple of suitable pronouns for the names as it gets a bit repetitive. Other than that? The internal monologuing was a teensy bit confusing at some points, but I think you meant for it to be that way. -w-
Whenever I watched the anime or read the manga and came the the Possessed!Jou bit I always just sort of blew it off like Jou wasn't really aware of anything that was going on (I don't know, stuck in his soul room Ryou-style? I didn't think too hard about it) but I like this idea much, much better. A constant internal fight for control. Woot woot! Makes me want to go out and read some Marik x Rare Hunter fics. Is there a pairing for that? There should be. If not, you should totally write one. :3
The characterizations were lovely, too, to the point that I could picture the characters actually doing these things n' chatting it up (in their English voices despite you using the Japanese names. Heehee. ; w ;)
SO! I enjoyed this and am uber impressed with how well you handled such a difficult pairing! :3 Good luck in the contest, bud!
| spoonerdog123 chapter 1 . 2/1/2013
Ohhhh, this is brilliant! Kudos to you, methinks this might be as realistic as one can get with Whispershipping. I loved your characterization of Possessed!Jou especially - bloody hell, that was amazing. The fact that you even included lines from the show/manga and twisted them like that - and maaaan, the whole Kaiba/Marik dynamic...
Anyway. *takes a few breaths to calm down* I'm tempted to rattle on about description, because there's not a lot here... but then again, I don't think you could really get more in without cluttering the fic and staving the flow. Trust me, you did yourself a pretty major favour by setting the fic someplace most people will recognize. I've only got two little suggestions for you:
One, I'm sure I've said this before - but try not to constantly call Marik 'Marik', you could try 'puppeteer' or 'mastermind'. Similary, 'CEO' works for Kaiba.
Two, I noticed that you alternated between using Katsuya and Jounouchi when describing Mr Mind Slave. I found myself a little disappointed when you didn't make use of that - I actually found myself wondering if you were going to give Real Jounouchi the more personal name of Katsuya, and Mind Slave Jounouchi the usual name Jounouchi, then use that to show the difference between the two minds even more - you could have even called him Katsuya Jounouchi when he was a mess of both. It not being there certainly didn't break the fic, but it would have been a perfect cherry on the rather delicious chocolate cake, with actual chocolate chips hiding in its spongy interior, the perfect icing gracing the still-warm surface, and of course a combination of ripe strawberries and cherries tastefully scattered on the plate around it...
...Great, now I'm hungry.
Best of luck to you in this round, as always! _
| dancing elf chapter 1 . 2/1/2013
i like how kaiba throws stuff like 'coward' at marik...and that by cheating, marik himself really doesn't think he can win against yugi fairly.
that's obviously true, but the show didn't really emphasize that