|Reviews for 1,5 - Negative Interest|
| Moriyaism chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
Whoa. Surprise chapter. First I'll point out the mistakes, then I'll give my thoughts.
The title has a comma instead of a period between 1 and 5
"Uh... Yeah. Sure.", I replied and returned her smile.
The comma should replace the period inside of the quotation marks. So basically like this, "Uh... Yeah. Sure," I replied and returned her smile.
"A yen for your thoughts?", chuckled another voice
No need for the comma after the quote.
Okay, after reading the next bit of dialogue, I'm just gonna tell you to look at all of your dialogue in general and fix the punctuation. Basically, if it's a period and a comma, you should replace the period with the comma and with its an exclamation point or question mark, then omit the comma.
"I think the old days come through...", I chuckled
'come' should be 'came'
"Or, in some cases, you are referred to as 'Chôzen Gekido, Insei on Youkai'!"
'on' should be 'no'
To say that I was embarrassed was underestimated.
'underestimated' should be an 'understatement'
I saw how Rumia entered the room and placed the gas mask I had taken off Satori's face on the nighstand and shook her head
'nighstand' should be 'nightstand' and tha seems like too many ands
Space bar :3 (this was Seiga's line I believe)
I never can look at in the same way." Futo shuddered
'can look at' should be 'can look at her'
I said that her father cannot see her all the time, and the he is similar to you
'the' should be 'that'
Phew. Glad that's over. Anyways, great as usual :D Absolutely loved this story mainly because everyone was so weird. Neko-Rumia, Remilia kicking everyone and serious Koishi were the best though xD. And someone finally found out about Sly, though I thought Mima would have told someone by now .-. Minoue having 2 mothers didn't really narrow it down D: I mean almost everyone is female .-. If I had to pick I'd say she's Komachi and Eiki's love-child just for the heck of it. Glad that Cirno got some action cuz Cirno's awesomeeee :D Doubt Chozen's peace is gonna last long, although it's technically has fault Eiki found out about Abendsonne. Only other way I can imagine Eiki finding out is if she asked Komachi where she went when she was slacking and she said Sly's bar. Oh well, can't wait for the next book
| Nicolas Crossworth chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
Wahhhhhh, long time no see!
And what do we have here? This ain't no mere behemoth. This is a titan, NAY, A World Eater!
Seriously, you could do a six chapter fic with this story alone. Good to see our Walking Enigma back in action...and quickly thrown in to some inconvenient situations.
I have feeling that this review will be short since I'll be summarizing my reaction in a whole. Yes, there were mistakes but due to the sheer amount of hilarity, information, images and words I forgot all them. ALL OF THEM.
Anyhow, first con is as mentioned above, this chapter is too long for its own good. Sorry, but I see very few people managing to read this without hurting their eyes. Why not consider chopping it up next time if you're planning a long standalone like this?
Helps rake in the views and allows more people to state reaction easily. Result of this will cause people to do as I do now: summarizing. Therefore restricting us from spotting mistakes as usual.
Nope I didn't see anything wrong with the story telling. Brilliant as usual. Though I may be expressing my reaction on Chozen's misadventure.
First: NEKO RUMIA. It came out of nowhere! Not that I'm complaining. Wait hold that thought, NEKO EX-RUMIA. That's even better! Ahahahahaha!
Second: The incident. Very well done and executed. Perfect for a random fic such as this. Though as you said it wasn't random all the time. Chozen's interaction with Akyuu and Kosuzu. Man, if I were there I'll be staying clear of him, he looked pissed. I also like how you mixed my thoughts around from start to finish.
It was a very obvious sign that it was Koishi from the start (Will get back to her later) seeing people doing things on whim. But then my jaw dropped at the scene that Koishi was infected too. Now I stopped and thought for a moment and went on my next guess, Miko.
Close enough since it was Soga that our heroes went for, but I don't see how she would be the cause of the Interests.
Jeebus, this incident was roller coaster ride.
Second: Remilia. Uuu! 'nuff said.
Third: Koishi. Dang I love it when she's serious. Not only that but I love everyone's interest! I found Satori's the best of the best. It fit her well and made me laugh like a madman in class (than god for mobile) but damn it was worth it.
Kanako, now that was expected, but it did surprise me. I found the lack of Reimu disturbing. WOuldn't Patchy be sick if she were around cats for too long?
Fourth: I'll go into darker territory here. Sly, the guy's a freaking question mark. I remember that part at NB-I where Mima called him something that made him freak out. Could he be the serial killer(?) from the long past? What the heck is Eiki planning? How will this new development affect Gensokyo? Will Insanity finally learn ballet? So many variables and questions.
There's also the mysterious Minoue. There's two things I'm seeing there: Either she's Komachi's mother or Komachi's her mother. Is she? I love riddles, but my answer here is ambiguous.
And where did 'the culprit' originate from? Is it an OC villain? Why would they want Chozen dead? I'm listing up canon character's that could be 'Mother'. A hunch is telling me that Shinki's out the question.
Fifth: So the last one. The story itself. I love how you explained the events in NB-I. Spoilers aside, new readers would be able to catch up with the happenings in this story with no problem. In my opinion, I think they'll be 'interested' in reading how things built up here. Characters were solid, though this is just me and I could be just praising you blindly but what the hell. Descriptions were good as always. The dialogues though...
Maybe you could try doing this: "Bla bla blah bla" said a Lizard.
"Blah bla blah bla" replied the Snake
"Bla blah blah blah!" argued the Scooter.
In short; why not have the dialogues separated by lines? Sometimes its hard to follow who's talking to who. Makes things easier to read.
Well my friend, I apologize on not reviewing on the epilogue, but I hope this makes up for it. I'll be waiting for more of your stories since NB-I was the very first fanfic I've read in this section.
Good luck, work you magic, and stay cool.