|Reviews for A Moonlit Night|
| Radio Free Death chapter 1 . 4/20/2013
Man was that dirty. And blatantly suggestive. And awesome.
I could describe the intricacies behind the story, like how it shows and doesn't tell, and how it was so obvious it was Bianca despite the story trying really hard to suggest otherwise because come on, this is Varic. I'm also aware of my runon sentence, buuut all things considered, this was pretty awesome. Good job :D
| Madam'zelleG chapter 1 . 2/19/2013
Just a quick disclaimer before I begin that I'm not at all familiar with this fandom. :)
I really liked the note that you chose to start us off on. At first glance, it seems really simple, but then the images start to hit you and the story just started to take shape in my head at that point. It was a quite effective way of getting us going in this story! That being said, I really would have liked to see more in the way of description to get the scene that much sharper. I know that you have a word limit for this challenge, but you still have room for a few words, and it doesn't have to be anything major. Just enough so that we can start to envision the surroundings and get an idea of the general feeling of the story before the entrance of the lady. It would really help make her appearance that much more poignent because it would be a really great transition point. We're learning about one character and then the camera shifts to the next, so to speak. Just a thought there.
"he rasped under his breath." Again, I would have loved to see her reaction, especially when you mention that it's getting cold and he starts to tease her. I was a little confused as to why he was teasing her at first just because we had not idea if she was shivering, or just kept still. It really helps if we can get an idea of what is going on.
"He reached out reverently..." I really loved the imagery in this paragraph. It's such an intimate moment between the two of them, and your word choices really made the entire bit so special. I really just loved what you did there. Particularly when you mentioned the callouses and the idea of her smooth skin. Really nicely done!
"his fingers twitch" Tense change. Should be "twitched" but I expect that was just a typo. :)
This just has a lovely, mystical feeling to it. I really loved the glimpse that we got of these characters, and the idea of their relationship. You tell so much while still keeping so much secret, if you know what I mean. It's kind of hard to describe, but I was really struck by the tone that you had throughout the piece. A very lovely piece. I enjoyed it a lot. Well done and keep up the great work!
| Galvantula866 chapter 1 . 2/19/2013
I don't understand Dragon Age all that much, but I did read Cyrano in high school. You story shares many of the themes as Cyrano and I hope you don't take that as an offense. On the contrarily I like this story.
Varric spent a lot of time getting this 'date' set up and his planning tells me that he treasures the love of his life. Taking time to get things right is something that a lot of people can't do anymore sadly and reading this fills me with the hope that someday this world will calm down somewhat.
Your descriptions are vivid and if I may be so bold romantic. You also used your promps to their full effect here, given that DA seems to take place in the Middle Ages or close to it. The more erotic themes here are tame compared to what I've seen on here, which is another plus in your favor.
The surprise ending did catch me off guard, as I was not expecting him to just be cleaning his weapon. In conclusion this was a nice surprise, given that high fantasy isn't my area of expertise. No real errors and SPAG woes that I saw in here and it was a pretty cool little tale.
| TheWorldBelongsToME chapter 1 . 2/17/2013
Applause for getting a follower for a one-shot! That's always fun. Loved this game, loved Varric, and its fun finally see some fics for it. I enjoyed your writing style- short clean sentences bereft of anything unnecessary. I'm more of the gritty detail sort but everything comes across pretty cleanly. Noticed "it's" instead "its" a couple of times and maybe a missing comma or two, but that's about it. I thought it was a well-executed snippet of a moment in Varric's seemingly shady relationship...you get to a point thinking that he's gone off the deep end, eloping with some girl that'll get her in-laws running at him demanding his head. And then that one simple line "Come on, Bianca"- that was hilarious. It made me smile. I noticed a lot of metaphorical descriptions, which were well-done but would have liked some more detail, but seeing as giving more detail would spoil the surprise, I think it's well done! A poetic flash into Varric's great love! Dragon Age w00t!
| StormyMonday chapter 1 . 2/15/2013
Fandom blind here, but I don't think that really matters too much. It seems that Varric has somewhat of an unhealthy attachment to inanimate objects. ;D And he even named his crossbow, which I find amusing and a little disturbing at the same time. (I know that people in real life name their cars sometimes, and honestly I've never understood this.) Over all, this made me smile, as it appeals very much to my quirky sense of humor. Thanks so much for a very fun read! :D
| 65452341 chapter 1 . 2/12/2013
lol he loves his weapon WAY too much :P It's okay to love your weapon, but you shouldn't LOOOOOVE your weapon.
This is brilliantly written; outstanding vocabulary, awesome imagery. I particularly liked "kiss deadlier than a viper's bite.
The ending made me lol.
The little bits about "her" not moving were suggestive; I noticed them immediately as out of place. They enhanced the effect of the ending. Very clever! :D
| seeminglymeaningless chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
Hi, I'm reviewing your work from the Review Tag thread. Please note that I know nothing about the Dragon Age fandom, so your characters and their interactions mean nothing more to me than a man and a woman alone together.
There are some things I liked about your short piece. I like the descriptions of the setting; the moss, the colour of the candlelight. I enjoyed the idea behind the scene.
I think you could have extrapolated on what occurred. You gave us vague ideas of what the woman looked like, what she felt like. I understand it needed to be under 1000 words, but if you're thinking of fleshing out the piece, I'd suggest adding in more description and dialogue. The one-sided dialogue confused me; I felt as if the man was slightly insane, rubbing oil on a statue, maybe. But then he picked her up, making me assume Bianca was a real person. However, now all I could think of was that the woman was dead and he was preparing her for burial.
What did you mean by "trigger"?
The constant comparisons were a little annoying. They were too simple and cliché. Consider if you had spent more time creating this alternative universe: "She was a siren, her scales glittering under the wash of waves. Her voice had the allure of heavenly music, it made his breathing quicken, his palms sweat."
All in all, I think your story has potential. You could even change the names and this story would no longer be fanfiction.
Hope my review helped :)
| Lazerwolf314 chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
[He draw a slim candle out from his pocket] - This should be 'he drew'
[The moonlight shrouded her in its embrace while only the most pronounced of her curves caught the flickering candlelight.] - A mildly awkward sentence. I would suggest changing 'while' to 'with' and modify this. 'her curves were caught in the...'
Also, you use it too frequently. Try just changing a few of them to what the it is actually supposed to be, just to give to story more fluidity.
Otherwise, a very well done piece, in particular how you implied one reality when it was in actuality another. It was clever, surprising and truly entertaining.
I don't know much of this fandom, but from how this was written, it felt strongly true to character, which is impressive. Since I don't know Varric, I can only assume you've done true to canon, but through reading, this simply felt sincere.
| Kyla Baines chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
Nicely done, especially for a really short one-shot challenge! Good work :)