|Reviews for Sanctuary|
| Primo chapter 5 . 10/29/2013
I was re-reading the fanfic when I thought of a randomn... thought... Yeah, let's write "thing" 'cause it will be less repetitive... "the only thing worse than my future self is my past self". I think it's omething like that u.u. Point is : My god, past-Neku is a real ass ! That's it. Just a randomn thought !
| Chronic Guardian chapter 17 . 10/28/2013
Gah! *flinches at fireworks* Don't DO that! That's like sneaking up on your friends in the store before they recognize you. Couple that with the chapter ending and it's like sneaking up on them when they're agonizing over whether or not that special gourmet sounding cheese is worth it... or even cheese for that matter.
I thought you said there were going to be twenty one chapters. How are you possibly going to stretch this across four more chapters?
...Unless Neku loses.
Urggh! Why? WHY!? The suspense, the revelation, the cliffhangeriness, it's almost all too much! Hopefully now is the moment where Mr. Hanekoma also shows up in a flash of fireworks to put down some smack down. Kidding, of course, but I must admit it would be almost as gratifying of a twist as having Hype-chan show up again.
All that aside though, it was a nice touch to have it seem like things were slowing down and then slam us straight into the action. Although... Kazemaru is a little overly suspicious (One of those "Who could be the mastermind here... *Kazemaru just barely enters in the background* Oh, wait, nevermind, that's definitely him" level villains). You tried valiantly to mask it, but my instincts were going off like crazy the moment he showed up.
And what the heck did he do to Shiki?! I mean, I have faith in you as an author that she isn't gone for good, but you've really wound me tight with worry on what in the world just happened. This is one of those moments where your audience hates you because you did a good job. In the end we'll forgive you, but right now it's almost like when Maes Hughes got shot. Just make sure to have the "Hey wait guys! She's still alive! Jokes!" moment too or... well... I can't say I'll stop reading, but I'll be pretty darn upset with you.
Aaand... sorry, but not gold star of grammar for this chapter.
#1! This one's so minor I almost didn't include it:
"She returned to the seat swiftly, wasting no time in starting to chat with another girl."
I think the "the" should be "her" since you haven't specified a seat earlier and it just plain makes more sense. Of course, nobody will really care too much, but it's still there if you want to go for the 100%.
#2! After Ai's confession:
"...But I realised you had clue by the way your were glaring around on that pitch."
Missing a "no" between "had" and "clue".
#3! "...Neku felt a creeping feeling that some disaster was going to happen."
"Felt a creeping feeling" feels redundant. Maybe something a little less repetitive like "was gripped by a creeping feeling".
#4! "Joshua frowned for a second but that regained a smirk."
I think you mean "then" rather than "that".
#5! "Neku almost spit out his water."
Verb tense confusion. It should be the past tense "spat".
#6! "There are a lot of people who our age who are still..."
That first "who" is superfluous.
#7! "...his usual smug demeanor was cut done significantly by..."
"cut down" makes a lot more sense. Unless this is another regional difference thing.
Then in the final segment we have a bunch of cases of verb tense confusion. You shift into a slew of present tense stuff. Thus, I will enclose further "correctional morphs" in square brackets.
#8! "Kazemaru [ran] his fingers through his hair"
Though there is still the garden variety(gv) typo too:
#9! "The way Kazemaru and Coco's way of speaking to him..."
Seems you changed your mind halfway through. Remove the first "The way" and you'll be good as new!
#10! "[Then] Neku [understood]."
#11! "There[ was] no doubting it."
#12! "Neku finally felt something [then]"
#13! "[That was] why Kazemaru had been acting so friendly."
#14! "Coco's cheery smile [broke]."
#15! " "...playing along as if everything is alright," he [accused]. He [shot] them the most venomous look he [could] muster."
#16! "Kazemaru [laughed]. It [sounded] as if he [was] laughing at an innocent joke when he [was] actually mocking him."
#17! "It took two seconds to recognize this spirit [could] touch him easily."
#18! "He snatched his arm away from his grip and it [hurt]."
#19! "Then he realized he recognized [the] man."
If the present tense moments were intentional, whether to add a sense of disorientation or simply shift the tone, I'd suggest keeping with it more thoroughly otherwise... finally, I must remove my gloves and give you my blunt author's evaluation. Please know this isn't meant to harm you but to help you. What I say, I say because I care.
Don't get sloppy. Especially at the end of a chapter. You got away with it this time but things are heating up and this is the part of the podrace where the canyon walls are so close that one mistake can mess you up pretty bad. Lumping all of Neku's friends into one group shouting at him sums things up, but it seems out of place. Can he really hear them clearly? And if so, why aren't they helping him? Is it more like a Dream Drop Distance haze (if this needs clarification then ask)? These must be addressed, because you've climbed yourself to a high tier of expectation. We don't view your story as just another mix of words, we see it as one of the chosen that can soar when given the proper thought. So be careful, because here is where we're all holding our breath desperately wanting to know what happens next. It may be a long while before that next thing is happy, but in the meantime, the story must stay in keeping with it's destined course.
"Do not be afraid. You are the one who will open this door."
You can do this Misty. Don't you dare think you can't. Because you are ready for this, you are ready to complete an exhilarating tale. Just don't forget that, alright?
*Eyes unnarrow* Or something like that. If it's all too dramatic then maybe you should just ignore it and continue on as you were. Just know that you've captured our attention, and we are enthralled with this story so far.
| Xerzo LotCN chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
wow.. yea back story and that preview is ominous...
| I'll Break Your Heart chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
WOW! I mean, just, just...wow! I'm breathless. Literally breathless. I think this is the greatest chapter yet. Not saying that your other chapters aren't great, but the way you set up this chapter...just wow.
I was nervous too for Neku in the beginning. Then I was like "Wait a minute...he's in high school." Then it all clicked. And the conversation the guys were having on the roof...that was killer. Just...it made me smile like crazy. also with Shiki, awkward...Yet you still managed to work in a little bit of Neku and Shiki. Amazing.
But seriously that conversation on the roof just made me smile. I had to literally get up and take a walk around my room before I could sit down and finish reading.
I was not expecting the 'Neku's past' curveball. I was just like "Aww man she's/he's here and hells gonna happen." From the small glimpses of Neku's past, I'm guessing he has a similar backstory to Beat in a way. Only more emo. More emo.
Sometimes I get a little confused on the UG and the Reapers and Spirits and stuff. Can you give me a brief analysis because I think I became a little lost along the way.
Three years ago? Was Neku in the game? Is this the universe after the game or is it AU? Did he die three years ago? Or was he just at a different school? Are the Reapers the people from his old soccer team? Too many questions!
And Shiki! Is she alright? I hope she is.
Amazingly wonderfully written. I wish I had more words to describe it but I'll leave you with this,
When three guys talk sex it's bound to have hilarious results.
| Faliara chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
... Yeah, everything's hit the ceiling.
(... Who's POV is this preview's?)
| guest chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
Hmm. I thought the boss would be Sho. But great chapter!
| I don't want to be part of ff chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
I'm so glad you credited me!
| Primo chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
I didn't understand a thing ! And to be totally honest, you kinda lost me in the dialogue between Neku, Coco, Kazemaru and the others Oo. What ?! There wasn't any name to keep track !... Don't you dare think I'm stupid !... Ok I am. But still !
The confession time was epic X). I imagined Joshua at the window and the moment after and it was awesome !
Oh, that's why it's free of charge... But, if it doesn't go through the service provider, isn't that supposed to mean that it's like there is nobody that calls ? Thererfore, the line shall not sound busy ! ...Maybe. Like hell I know.
Anyway, thanks for this chapter ! Believe it or not, I thought about it today. I'm glad you updated !
| cutekitty5597 chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
DINA , you are so corect, and you are so lucky you're not next to me and near a pillow right now. OTL seriously , I thought this was going to be HAPPY. But no, no ;-;. Okay so I geuninley loved the confession bit and Neku's reaction. It has me cracking up. Especially the what Neku thought of Joshua and the conversation on top of the roof afterwards was brilliant, utter gold. So Neku meeting old friends, I really liked that part and Kazemaru OTL. I should have known. DINA. If you really wanted to make it obvious just give him a ponytail kink XD. Okay so moving on about that. I liked how you Incorporated Coco into this, it was really well done as well. And KARYIA Yay XD Finally one of my fav characters from TWEWY appears. SO apart from the fact that now I want to glare at you and just OTL. The cliffhanger was EPIC.
| RagnartheSemiGreen chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
Wow, talk about a WHAM! chapter. Your writing is as superb as always, but your mood-whiplash skills are improving!
| circifox chapter 17 . 10/27/2013
That was an awesome chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
| GRX3m0m chapter 12 . 10/20/2013
That was a good chapter. Shiki is finally starting to remember the way she died and Rhyme... She is in the hospital :S
| lunar locket chapter 16 . 10/16/2013
Your creative writing has officially astounded me, I hope you continue your magnificent work.
Yes. Savor this.
This cookie of success...
*I'll just leave now.. (.. ; ) *
- Lunarlocket(Big fan!)
| siudfhihifs chapter 16 . 10/16/2013
I am going to be very honest with you when I say this has got to be one of the best TWEwY fanfics I've read. I'm pretty sure you hear that a lot though ;)
You write the characters perfectly, your writing (in comparison to "Stitched Graffiti" which I will reivew one day) is very flowing and poetic; a large contrast to your older works.
Now while I'm not a huge fan of the "main pairings" of this fanfic, I have to say you make them so realistic that I can't help myself but support them and await their development. That's another thing about this fanfic: Development. You have this so well planned out and everything just connects. There are no hanging pieces here and honestly, you do deserve those triple-digit reviews. I'm not sure how many chapters you're planning for this, but by te sound of things so far, there's still a lot more to come.
I feel this is the type of fanfic that will win over the archive. Looking back on your reviews, I noticed three-fourths of the people aren't even TWEwY writers at all (fans is different). That takes a lot of talent to lure in people from other archives.
And if you must know, I discovered this fanfic through TV Tropes :) Someone recommended it so I thought I'd check it out since I just got into TWEwY recently (or rather getting back into the fandom). I hope I can get a fanfic as good as this, but for now, I'm going to keep rereading "Sanctuary" because it is just so freaking beautiful...
Dear God I sound overdramatic XD But it's very nice, Amulet Misty :) (Dina? Should I call you Dina? I know you said that was your name on your profile)
I wish I could leave a longer review, but hopefully by reviewing the past 15 chapters (when school decides to let me breathe, of course), it'll make up for this lousy review.
Amazing work so far, Amulet Misty.
| The Mysterious Mr DxD chapter 16 . 10/14/2013