Reviews for Sanctuary
I don't want to be part of ff chapter 24 . 2/8/2014
Happy Anniversary!
circifox chapter 24 . 2/8/2014
Hmm...I liked the chapter!

I wonder if this is another alternate world to TWEWY's this one is set in as well as the Tin Pin or the "Another Day" one. Even if so, I like the concept of it.

Good job on this chapter! :D
ElementLegend chapter 24 . 2/8/2014
Well, make that fifteen minutes because he while he expected Beat to be ten minutes late, since Rhyme was coming too, she would make sure they were no more than five minutes late.

The above sentence should probably have the first "he" removed. There were a couple of noticeable errors, (like: Good ol' Joshua the Composer paying Sanctuary's cast (a visit) was something I've been itching to do.) but other than that, this was so good! I like how you included Joshua from the TWEWY-verse and had him pretend to be Sanctuary-verse Joshua.

The omakes were funny as always, and, other than the errors, this was great as always, Dina! I can't wait for the next extra!

Element
Chronic Guardian chapter 2 . 1/24/2014
*Reappears out of nowhere* Hey Misty! Check it out, I'm a 100% completionist time traveler returned to the earlier chapters to complete my reviews! Admittedly, these will be hindsight affected, but you really do offer up enough solid material that I've still got a thing or two to say.

Not to mention there are still typos to tame! Although... you don't really have to pay attention to them if you don't want to. You already did your part right, kid. Anything past this is overtime.

1. "There weren't any fragments of glass lying on the floor;"
Because "floor" is a term usually relegated to the insides of buildings, I'd suggest using "pavement", "asphalt", "blacktop", or another synonym for the outside ground.

2. "...the rays of light just /had/ to freaking hit it an angle that almost blinded him."

3. (subjective) "He quickly looked back at the car[,] but the windshield glinted back at him innocently, empty of any glowing figures that might have been there. The only figure he could see was [his own]."
Mainly just to tighten up the diction a little. Take it or leave it.

4. (Bonus Bits!)"/It was a trick of the light, that's all./ That's what he told himself because to think it was anything otherwise would be crazy."
It's not that it doesn't work, it's more that I feel you could rework it from good to great. Try on "/It was a trick of the light, that's all, just a a trick./ He nodded to himself. Of course it was. Any other option would be crazy", tell me what you think.

5. (Bonus Bits!) "A sudden brightness entered his vision, forcing his eyes to close almost immediately."
I feel like this sentence lacks the intended punch due to its wordiness. If you're trying to get across a sudden idea it's best to describe it with sudden or powerful diction. Instead of "entered" try "flooded" and change the second part to something like "forcing his eyes shut a moment too late as multi-colored blotches began to flicker behind closed lids".
Err... nevermind, I'm even wordier than you are. Maybe you should just keep it as is.

6. (Bonus Bits!) When you're describing "Angel" Joshua, I feel like you could tighten up your form a little. Again, it's not that the ideas aren't coming across, it's just that a little adjusting can make all the difference. Besides, I'm here for the 100% mark, I might as well say everything I can, right?

7. "...calmly as if this was the most normal thing {was} [in] the world."

8. "He'd just been confronted [by] some supernatural thing who..."

9. "...Neku had again already finished all his homework again."
Choose one "again" and lose the other.

10. "The voice [came] through, now quiet again."

Aaand that about does it for typos.

Beyond that though, after having read the ending I can't begin to tell you how much I love the foreshadowing you have going on here, not to mention how the setting adds to the story. When Neku thinks about the city moving on as if the car crash had never happened, for some reason it made me think about all the stuff that happened to him in the past that nobody believed him about. But you also have lots of concrete moments like the mystery call (Eri!) and a lovely little teaser with his question to where Shiki is.

I also still love how you nailed Neku's mentality. It comes across as matter-of-fact rather than forced and really makes the reader see things his way. Plus, seeing that evolve over the rest of the story is just incredible.

Anyway, I'll be back for chapters 3, 6, 10, 12, and 13. To tell you the truth, I almost didn't want to come back for it because I didn't want to break your perfect set of 304 reviews (like 304 pins). I hope these retrospective reviews still find their mark though, and fittingly complete the journey. If nothing else, I'll be looking forward to the rereading.

Till next time,
-CG
YOLO chapter 23 . 1/18/2014
OH MA GAWD!

That...was...so AWESOME!

I really thought everything was awesomer than AWESOME!

Great JOB on this, can't wait for more!
Cafe.nina chapter 23 . 1/7/2014
Okay, I know I'm a little late to the party, but I recently finished this, this wonderful, awesome fic and I needed to shout it from the rooftops. Very, VERY, loudly.
I was just lookin' for a little Neku/Shiki I found this, and it wouldn't stop getting better. :D
I feel like I should give you some sort of constructive criticism but all I can say is you probably don't need to proofread at two in the morning. :3
Don't tell me you thought this was OC, half the time I had to remind myself this was fan made.
Neku being all Neku, Shiki's sweetness, Beat's cluelessness and loyalty, Joshua's aloofness, etc, etc. And I really enjoyed your Rhyme, her character (I felt) in the game wasn't so fleshed out because of...reasons, and you totally flew with it!
Sorry that was a little much, but with all this epic-ness you deserve a lot of kudos.
So..kudos! And thanks for a good read!
Michael Mario chapter 23 . 1/1/2014
Ah, Nimew... perhaps one of the most consistently funny/cute characters in the entire fic, and that's saying a lot- you pull that balance off pretty well. We have three cats- I myself owning one and they certainly do have an attitude to them. They're sweet, but they certainly DO give off that vibe of "you don't own us, we just allow you to live in the same location."

Except the cat that was my avatar for the holiday season, my own little Grover who's ridiculously loyal, but even then he's a sassy kitten-head.

Angel-Joshua is a cryptic prick as always, but he certainly knows how to pull off the most dramatic re-reunions with style. That final scene was a great shout-out to the first chapter and delivered a perfectly funny finale.

Now for the bonus content... Well, I covered Nimew already... this is why it took a few days to respond (also, I had to switch rooms, and the loading and unloading took a while). There's a lot of it... but this time I think I'm ready.

"Mina Takagi and Ai Urahara""Ai Urahara and Beat": ...Really, Ai? Beat? Okay, then... you seemed to have inadvertently shot Beat down. That's -5 points on judgment call, but -50 that you're asking BEAT for love advice! ...However, you do get 10 points for not asking him for real advice, so there's that.

"Shooter Dan- Part 2""Rhyme Time": Damn, Rhyme certainly is popular with the boys... to be fair, Shooter scared me a little, too- I don't approve of him. I'm rooting more for the nameless kid in this scenario. Of course Beat is like the Grim Reaper to anyone looking to so much as look at Rhyme 'funny'. The kids' reactions to finding Beat behind them were priceless.

"Joshua and Shiki": Heh... Neku's glare at the end can only be described as "Mine."... and that's all it really needed.

"Goodbye": Ah... good old fashioned "Stitches and Graffiti"-style fair. Short and sweet.

The Other Three: damn... I don't really have much to say about them other than they're good.
I'll Break Your Heart chapter 23 . 1/1/2014
(Insert the most loudest, happiest scream and a wild grin on a young girl's face)

These past chapters have been hard to write a review for because of how I was conflicted with so many feelings, but this one (literally just had a fan girl scream right now as I was writing this) was breathtaking. It was beautiful. It was...so freaking amazing. I cannot express how I feel in words as I read this chapter. The feels Dina, the feels!

Okay, deep breath. Let's start from the beginning...

I was still (for lack of a better term) sad that Shiki lost her memory of Neku and the gang. I felt so bad for Neku. The girl he loves can't remember him. I was afraid he would go all emo again when he was about to leave, but nice save there by making Beat, Rhyme, and Josh to show up a lighten the mood a little. It was sad, but ...that bond man. That bond that held them together. Of course Shiki would want Neku to visit her again, of course.

And then they got to know each other again, and they got to be friends again. And...and...so happy. I am just so happy at how this was written and the review isn't doing justice for it! So sorry!

Hee hee, Shiki's room name is...tadah Sanctuary. Very nice tie in there Di!

And it was her birthday when she got released and the cat necklace was adorable! Yay for cute moments!

The soccer game. I like how you connected it back to Neku's first game. The game he used to hate now has everyone's feelings in it. He is now free and (thankfully) less emo. And Neku is better at making comebacks to Josh now. Beat though...he's going to need to work on that...

A big 'Ha ha' at the Ai/ Mina moment there. Always there to make people feel embarrassed when Josh is off duty.

Looks like Neku's finally taking the step to achieve his dreams. He's not being held back anymore! (Again sorry for lack of better term here) YAY!

The ramen scene is...so cute. So much happiness! I love how they can find new sides to their friends everyday! That's what makes things special, that they are special and there are things to discover! That and if the gang had an eating contest Beat would come in first with Shiki in second.

The concert and the family-ness that is Mr. H. Neku finally has a family member he understands and that loves him. He finally does after putting up with crap for his entire (family related) life. Another favorite moment: when Mr. H said Neku was bawling over Shiki. Adorable!

Nimew. Well, you had to come in at least once before the fic ended.

The concert (again) Hype-chan, Kingdom remix of Twister. I bought that song and I LOVE it and i was just thinking it to myself as I read the part where...

Shiki get's her memory back! That line: "That power is yet unknown" is so awesome. Just awesome!

(Side note: I really like the guitar solo in the beginning of that song)

They kissed. They actually freaking kissed. THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT IN THERE! Literally best moment in fanfiction history to me. I am being serious.

All in all, I really loved. I really loved. Loved it. Just, just wow. I can't believe you can write that. I can't believe it, but it's true. You leave me with happy memories and a happy smile.

Thank you. Thank you so much for being the first TWEWY writer I ever read. You are such a big inspiration to me and I love how you write. It's an honor to me just when you favorite my stories because yours are so amazing.

You are amazing,
Heart

P.S. thanks for continuing this by adding side stories to this fic. Also, (swear this is the last time I'm using this word) loved the drunk fathers. Ha ha, poor Mr. H

Neku and Shiki Forever!
Alice and The Mad Hatter chapter 23 . 12/31/2013
And... The End *Begin to cry* Noooooo! TT_TT
Tell me that youll write other fic, you have talent you can't stop write.
The Poem with everyone perspective give me feelings. I don't know why, but when I read Neku's part I really feel happy. I imagined Neku whispering 'But you know - I'm glad I met you guys' (Neku never will admit it in front of them xD) Congratulations! Now I will go to other place to cry TT_TT (whywhywhywhywhy) *run away* Smell you later!
PD: Happy New Year, everyone!
Guest chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
Eeek! Amazing story! I just love how you write. And when Shiki disappeared I was close to tears. Can't wait for the bonus chapters and your next TWEWY fic!
Guest chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
Excellent ending! Well done, Storymistress!
Primo chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
Ok first of all, I really like those Neku-Joshua interactions, because I'm always chuckling in front of my screen like I'm some kind of idiot... Then, in whatever story I read, I love the trivia section ! And your omakes are awesome ! I pictured Beat looking at all the kid and pointing at them when he said "I'm gonna look for all of you" and I had a good laugh X) !
I can't thank you enough for this aweome fanfic and I'm not saying that I love you but... I love you and you're the best ! You can definitely count on me for your future fanfic ! Also I saw you made another one filled of oneshots but they're too short for me so I never really know what to say... Just wanted to let you know I find them pretty good .
Thank you so much for this aweome fanfic !
Dekiru chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
MAN IT'S ALREADY OVER?! Should have seen it coming. I love this story so much. :D I can't wait for the secret reports. ;_;
RaptorMJ chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
My feels! beautiful fic.
Chronic Guardian chapter 23 . 12/30/2013
Gee, with a shout out like that I guess I have some work to do. I mean, I've already put in my hours for today technically but... *cracks knuckles* I suppose I can make time for a special case. Unfortunately I'll probably be up past midnight, but what's sleep when you have tomorrow off, right? Besides, by then the whole "hours for /today/" statement will be irrelevant.

First things first: I'm proud of you, kid. You planned out a chaptered fic and you stuck with it. Now, here you are with at least about a hundred loyal fans and over 100k worth in words. You did it. You soared into the sunset and vanished in a flash of light as the last bit of sun met the horizon. No matter where you go from here (although I can't really see it going downhill anytime soon) you have accomplished something great this day. Go have a glass of spiced eggnog topped with whipped cream or something, you deserve it. Again, in the words of Rucks "Whatever happens now, you done good kid."

Now, before I get to anything else I should probably hit on the typos I found. Which brings us to another point:

}::Amulet Misty Leveled up AGAIN!::{
*Victory Fanfare!*
Review level upgraded from Regular Customer to Ametuer Editor! (Seriously... maybe I should just officially become your beta or something.)

For the staggering length of the chapter, there weren't many. You've really grown over these twenty three segments, one more reason that I smile as I write this. Sure, there's plenty of room to grow; but you don't do bad at all with what you've got. Thus the few actual typos will be interspersed with more suggestions than you'd ever care to read. Heck, I'd wager at least half of these are just moving commas around. Before we start though, a brief refresher on my latest editing legend: Suggested changes/additions in square brackets, subtractions in curly ones.

And like a bolt from the blue, away we go!

#1: Right at the beginning: "Shiki was looking at [him] with a frown..."

#2: (Subjective) Soon after: "He had thought that he['d] {had} finally gotten her back."
I know you're probably avoiding contractions for dramatic effect, but here I think it's permissible to help ease the flow a little, but just barely.

#3: (Subjective/Bonus Bits?) And following that: "'The doctor! Right, I need to go get him {or a nurse} to say {that} you're awake[!] I'll call your parents too. [Oh! Crap,] my phone's out of battery.{so} I['ll just... there's a] payphone downstairs[, right?] I'll be right back[!]'"
Mostly I just think you could make Eri a little more flustered. Of course, this is all suggestion (who knows? Maybe Eri had all this information tucked away to be pulled out for just this occasion) so use your own judgement.

#4: (Subjective) "[Too late.] The damage was done and her words had cut him."
Just a tad more emphasis on the effect.

#5: "...if she had no memory of all, who would trust a stranger?"
This is originally a run-on sentence, I merely located the cut-off point.

#6: "'I'm guessing you want me to leave.' He too{,} stood up."

#7: (Bonus Bits!) rather than "She must still be very weak from it all" consider reshuffling to "The whole 'soulless sleep' thing had probably taken it out of her pretty bad" or something more colloquial to help the flow a little.

#8: (Subjective) "...as Beat's jaw dropped and Rhyme {sucked in a} sharp[ly sucked in a] breath of air."
To me, it would feel less awkward this way; but that's just me.

#9: (Subjective) "...glancing again at Shiki who caught the look and this time {she} /did/ look away."
The "she" just feels superfluous.

#10: "...perhaps the reason she was in a coma was because her {Soul her} body had been vacant of her Soul..."

Also a small note here: You then raise the question of how she was able to remember anything without a brain in the first place, but let's keep that metaphysical can of worms closed, shall we?

#11: "'I'm only speaking my theories right now,' was the answer.'[T]hough lately...'"

#12: Bonus Bits! "Neku realised that their whispered conversation would not help in bringing Shiki more ease about their company..." feels a bit archaic for this setting. Maybe something like "Neku /did/ realise that if Shiki managed to hear their whispered conversation then any questions about further contact were effectively out the window..."

#13: Maybe typo? "So you were acquainted with Miss Misaki too[?(?)]"
Is this Kenji making a statement/observation? I mean, he could, it shows a very decisive Open-and-shut nature that could acount for some of Beats overly assertiveness, but I can't say for sure.

#14: "'I will need to perform the routine tests to [assess] her current health,'"

#15: (Subjective) "[the boy] looked at Neku and he knew Beat was about to say the very thing he thought only moments ago."
Just to eliminate rapid pronoun repetition when switching subjects.

#16: (Subjective(Or is it?)) "Dr. Bito's tone was gentler than before. [paragraph break] /So even he can tell.../"
This kind of technique is actually quite rampant throughout your story. In most traditional grammar, you would put Neku's thoughts in their own paragraph simply because Neku is a different source. HOWEVER, Because Neku is our dedicated narrator and is almost inextricably intertwined with the narrative, perhaps leaving this connection is permissible. You are now experienced enough to deal with such questions, may you choose wisely.

#17: "In a way, she had been as much [of] a sanctuary for him as he had been for her."

#18: "If you're looking for the young lady," said Mr. Kiryu with a wink[,] "then she's right over there."
Because Mr. Kiryu continues the sentence naturally, a comma is more appropriate than a period.

#19: Bonus Bits! "Precisely at that moment, [as if cued by the motion,] the curtain opened..."

#20: (Subjective) "[Neku half-heartedly tried to modestly shrug off the gratitude, but his satisfaction at the accomplishment was glaringly apparent. Instead, he decided to change the subject.] 'We should get going then.'"
Mainly, I just think we need something to identify the speaker of this line, especially since niether of the following lines are attributed and it isn't until the third line that we can piece together it's Neku.

#21: "I have a soccer match first though[,] and I thought..."

#22: A thought: Although the audience can fill in the blanks, it's kind of odd how you only imply that Shiki attends St. Ursula's rather than stating it outright.

#23: (Subjective?) "This had come in [handy] when Eri chipped in by saying something along the lines of..."
I've actually never heard it said "this had come in useful." I mean, we get what you mean, but I've never heard "useful" used like that.

#24: (Bonus Bits!) "Dr. Bito even said that due to [the nature of head injuries] a bit of memory loss was very likely[, which] helped with clearing Shiki and Eri's doubts."
Just trying to tighten up your form a little. "I saw an opportunity, and I seized it."

#25: "'I mean... well[,] when you first started visiting, I was actually still feeling a bit wary.'"

#26: (Subjective?) "Her soul must['ve] still remember[ed] him, and that was a comforting thought."
I'm pretty sure this is the required reshuffling to keep the verb tense correct, but I could be wrong.

#27: "'When I first talked to you[,] with you not remembering me and all[,] I wasn't mad[;] it just felt[...] {somewhat} lonely.'"
You know, punctuation and the usual nonsense.

And may I just say how absolutely Out of Characterly adorable it is to have Joshua be helping hold the encouragement sign? Maybe adorable isn't the right word... it's just... it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you realize he really /is/ their friend and he's not afraid to show it.

#28: (Bonus Bits!) This was actually my one let down for the chapter: Coach Higashizawa saying "Let this match be as satisfying as a delicious dish!" I mean... don't get me wrong: I have unbelievable levels of respect for you. But really? Just "a delicious dish"? At least throw a little flair in. Something like "As satisfying as a well stuffed pork dumpling!" or "as a triple layered sacher torte!". Something that just makes your mouth water! Yes, his metaphors may not connect with his team, but give it a little more soul! This is his last line in the fic, just make it something memorable.

#29: "...then they would go on to regional[s] and[,] finally[,] into nationals. Their [teamwork] was flawless..."

#30: (Subjective) "Shooter called for the ball loudly and [it] was sent flying towards him."
Use your pronouns!

#31: (Subjective) "At some point[,] he had not cared at all about them, he had[n't] trusted or wanted to rely on them."

#32: (Bonus Bits) "The stands erupted into cheers of the students of Ebisu, all wanting to be a part of the victory. [Near the front, half of Rhyme's banner jiggled up and down, carried by the overjoyed motions of two of its carriers]."
Just maybe something to zoom in on the part of the crowd that Neku knows. Also, if you play it right, you can sort of make Joshua have one of those understated "What? Of course /I/ knew they were going to win" reactions. Just a thought.

#33: "He was {pulled} only pulled away from the festivities when..."

A thought: this is more than a month after Mina got rejected, right? So... in highschool girl time, isn't that enough space for a person to completely flipflop personalities, much less change circumstances? I mean, not to say she's above holding an unreasonable grudge, but something that happened last week is old news to their standards so by now it shouldn't be such a shock that Neku's changed.
Of course... then there's the fact that she still didn't get her chance so she's probably willing to minimize, rationalize, and justify her way out anyway, even if it defies her own standards.

Where was I? Oh yes!

#34: ? "it was the place he would always go to if he needed something quick to eat or wanted to meet up with his friends
339 | « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 13 .. Last Next »