|Reviews for Another Kerrigan|
| Random Guy chapter 16 . 11/13
| Darth Sygnious chapter 16 . 8/25
Yep, the more I read it, the more I feel its like:
Zeratul - Lizzy - Kerrigan Obi-Wan - Anakin - Palpatine
Too bad about the zergling. Yep, I bet Lizzy is going to distance herself further away from the protoss, and join the Swarm in the end. Now, only Jim and Matt are the final obstacles. What will they do?
I just realized something: From what I have read in the Dark Templar Saga, and from what I remember in the games, the protoss always address individuals by their full names (or at least the last name). Jim was always addressed as "Raynor", "Friend Raynor" or "James Raynor", and I remember that the main characters from the Dark Templar Saga was always addressed as "Jacob Jefferson Ramsay" and "Rosemary Dahl", every single time.
Don't you think the protoss would call Lizzy by her full name 'Elizabeth' as well?
Some knowledge for you, as you might have some conflicts with canon lore: Raynor and his companions broke the controllers on the gate after shutting it down, and it wasn't repaired until three years later, by Jake Ramsay, with his body possessed and under control by the protoss preserver Zamara. Though I wouldn't demand you to read the Dark Templar Saga for this lore, I would strongly recommend you to check the Starcraft wiki for these details, as you write the story.
Still, there is the gate they escaped through in the terran campaign of Brood War, that self-destructed. From my understanding, it appears to be a different one. Based on this, what you write holds, although only barely.
Look up "warp gate (xel'naga)" on the Starcraft wiki for more details.
But even so, the Raiders did not come to Shakuras until after they had secured Mengsk (or maybe not until the end of BroodWar, the sources are vague on the former point). Your story has taken a different path from canon lore at this point. When they got to Shakuras in the canon story, they had already taken steps to help Kerrigan. Not that I consider a serious problem, but you should state differences you make from the canon lore. The readers would appreciate that, since the average reader will assume that what he/she reads is what happens in canon lore.
Lizzy scaring Matt. Now that was fun, good job! :)
And good, she finally told Jim what happened to her at that lab.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 15 . 8/25
Enough with the apologies already!
The Khalis mission to Char...
Funny, I realize that one actually need to have played the game for the descriptions to make (more) sense. Not too interesting part of the story, but this is the necessary evil when writing a Starcraft fiction that follows canon story, so it has to be done. But perhaps you could include more personal fights for Lizzy, to make the story more original from her perspective, when in canon battles?
Otherwise, you did fairly good though.
I did actually laugh when Kerrigan beat Artanis at the goal :P
"Zeratul treats me like a child, and doesn't trust me".
Wow, got flashback from Star Wars, a bit like the relationship between Anakin and Obi-Wan. That would make Kerrigan more like Palpatine, no?
I wouldn't be too surprised if she ends up with the Swarm after Brood War, unless Matt and Jim beats Kerrigan to it, in fighting for her heart and soul.
Lizzy piloting a protoss ship, fun fact:
From what I read in the Dark Templar Saga, protoss technology is designed to be interfaced with psionic powers. Fortunately Lizzy is psionic, any normal human would not have been able to use this technology the regular way. You are lucky :P
Not sure if I would recommend cutting down words, like 'Hydras' and 'Mutas' instead of writing the full words 'Hydralisks' and 'Mutalisks'. A character in the story could say it, but the narrator is supposed to be fully objective and rather non-living (unless it's a main character, from which we see the I-perspective).
Overall, a good chapter.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 14 . 8/15
Again, how can a protoss give a breathing exercise, when they don't breathe in the same way?
I've pointed this out earlier.
Otherwise, good training session with Zeratul. I somehow get the feeling that her ability to sense hidden Dark Templar may become a source of fear among the protoss, if she ends up with the Swarm after Brood war.
And identity crisis? Yep, definitely.
You mixed up Aldaris and Artanis in the discussion with Kerrigan (about the new Overmind). Aldaris is the Judicator, while Artanis is the Executor (unless you stick to pre-SC2 lore (Preator), before Blizzard retconned it). I suggest you fix it.
Funny how Lizzy is sort of a connecting element between the protoss and Kerrigan; she even gave them an encouragement speech. Brings interesting possibilities... she will be forced to select one of these bonds while cutting the other: Kerrigan/Swarm or the Raiders/protoss? The way I see it, anything can happen.
Kerrigan's logic in encouraging Lizzy to fight is... Simple. Straightforward. With an ounce of truth. Practical. Necessary. Dangerous.
To quote Luke Skywalker from the extended Star Wars universe:
"There are times when the end justifies the means. But when you build an argument based on a whole series of such times, you may find that you've constructed an entire philosophy of evil."
And there is the Matriarch, which we of course know is controlled by you-know-who (no, not Voldemort!). And again Kerrigan is portrayed as someone good to Lizzy.
The interesting aspects of your story, of how you treat the relationship between Lizzy and Kerrigan, is that this can end up in any direction, like I pointed out earlier. Where, who, which faction Lizzy ends up with. She's trust into a position where she is pulled into many directions, and she didn't want any of this.
In the end, I think her choice will be: Stay with Matt, or stay with Kerrigan. Stay with whatever remains with her humanity, or stay true to her zerg nature (I do confess that I have read chapters 15 and 16 before writing this).
| Dragontamer997 chapter 1 . 8/15
Out of curiosity why would you use an OC when if the Overmind really did want to create a second Queen of Blades there is a perfect cannon character to use? I mean Nova is almost an exact copy of Sarah Kerrigan. A Ghost trained PI 10 psionic...kinda can't get a better choice than that. Just curious cuz I know some people hate reading about OC's as main characters so it just seems like an odd choice.
| izwan chapter 16 . 8/10
It would be good to keep Lizzy's role as a voice of reason for Kerrigan. Since she will spend a lot of time beside Kerrigan, I wonder how deep the exposure she would have about Kerrigan's eventual plan, especially once the new Overmind dealt with.
Anyway, my opinion is that this is your story. You may not want to let readers fully dictate what you need to put in or not. It's okay to ask for feedback for the sake of writing improvement, and maybe a little bit of plot adjustment, but personally I prefer the whole plot to remain yours alone.
| Guest chapter 7 . 8/9
who is Arya?
| Guest chapter 5 . 8/9
a number of grammar mistakes especially with homophones.
I would suggest keeping her with Jim and Zeratul for the fic.
Though we may have to use a vambrace made by the Conclave, as the Dark Templar use a different method when focusing our power."
She is Zerg so wouldn’t a DT warp blade work better?
while their DARK brethren
| Guest chapter 4 . 8/9
no library around? Use their internet to watch a playthrough of SC. there are a few good ones.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 13 . 8/5
I forgot to add the following question on the review of the previous chapter:
Does Lizzy have that echo in her voice when in full zerg form, the same echo as Kerrigan and other infested?
Now, for this chapter:
I find this some logical inconsistencies, which bothers me:
A. The Raiders where the one who snatched (rescued) her from the zerg during the moment the Overmind died? Does that mean they didn't participate on the attack on the Overmind in the canon story, then? Or if they did, did they send a rescue team, then? If so, gotta say: Talk about perfect timing (both a question, sort of, as well as remark).
B. I'm having personal qualms about the Raiders rejoining the protoss on Aiur. With the zerg running berserk all over Aiur, it seems illogical to me to have Jim bring the Raiders into it. In canon story, they were already stuck in the mud since they were there when the zerg ran wild. Here, they are voluntarily walking into a suicide mission, even if it is to help the protoss. And to bring Lizzie into the middle of it all, when they just rescued her from the zerg... But I also understand the motive, to help their allies, but still I can't get it to sit fully right with me... It feels... forced. That's the word I'm looking for: Forced. Due to the need to rejoin with canon story.
If that is the cause, couldn't this somehow have been done differently? In a way that would have felt more natural, given that the Raiders weren't present on Aiur at the beginning of this chapter? Another path to reuniting them on Shakuras? Remember that when you make these changes as you did for the opening of this chapter, even if they seem small, they could greatly affect how well (or badly) a forced follow of the canon story will be. Remember, a single grain of rice can tip the scale.
However, on the other hand, I'm open to me being to critical to the idea. After all, protecting others, and protecting allies is a personal trait of Jim Raynor. Even if suicidal, this is likely something Jim would do.
ARGH! I can't seem to make up my mind on this.
C. Praetor Artanis... Originally introduced as a new Praetor in Broodwar, until Blizzard later retconned this and made him the Executor from entire SC1.
You do mention him as Praetor, yet you refer to him as the protoss from earlier. There he was the Executor. Yet here he is Praetor. I did some digging on the Starcraft wiki, and found that both Praetor and Executors are ranks within the Templar caste, the latter being the top executive leader. Though I don't think that one protoss is both at the same time. Not so in our real life world, anyway. I have never heard of someone who was both captain and general within the same army. Or sergeant and colonel. If we assume the same for Artanis, then the only logical explanation is that he has been demoted from Executor to Praetor.
I suggest you consider fixing this.
Okay, enough about the logics. Let's take the rest:
I liked the mission itself, and the fighting scenes, especially on Shakuras. Entertaining, good details, you have control. Good work.
"No matter how much you with it, they are your kind."
Man, that's harsh... Oh wait, that's right. Someone here is being controlled by you-know-who!
Overall, a good chapter, though there are the logical issues that I have listed down.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 12 . 8/5
Lizzy's first close interaction with the Swarm.
Gotta say, you did well there, and I did enjoy it.
The "bonding" with Kerrigan, those pet-like zerg. Interesting details that I like.
Still, Lizzy is as stubborn as ever. Gotta be hard when the zerg-side tempts, while the cost is to turn against humanity. Though what humanity has done for her far far from great (with the Raiders being the exception). With the damage done to her earlier, it must be easy to slip into the comfort the zerg gives her. Perhaps she ends up with the Swarm on long term, after all.
And the chapter ends with someone getting Lizzie out of there, during the death of the Overmind. Now I'm curious.
I found a contradiction as well: Kerrigan states in her mind that the Overmind gave Lizzie the memories. But last time I checked chapter 2, it was Kerrigan who did it. Try to avoid these inconsistencies, will you?
Overall, I enjoyed the chapter.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 11 . 8/5
Ugh... One word: Disgusting!
But that was the main point with this chapter, wasn't it? In which case, I would say: Well done!
Pity, this may greatly harm Lizzy's relationship/connection to humanity, possibly permanently. Even the Raiders are lucky if she puts trust into them.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 10 . 7/30
I liked the interaction between the Executor and Lizzy, and the battle/escape was entertaining. Good work.
Wait, Nova as in Nova Terra, the blonde ghost from Starcraft 2?
I did some digging on her on the Starcraft wiki. It turns out that Nova in canon joined the Ghost program in 2500, passed the training in 2502 and was finished graduating at January 2503 (stated so if you look up those specific years on the wiki). This is well beyond the point where the Overmind died on Aiur (2500), and ergo beyond the current time of this story. Either get your lore straight when writing the story, or state whenever you're changing something in either the Author's notes or explicitly in the story so that we understand it.
It was a good chapter so far, but the plot hole regarding Nova sank it. Sorry.
| Darth Sygnious chapter 9 . 7/25
I liked the fight scene between Lizzy and the three marines. Growing intensity, entertaining elements (mainly the groaning Adam), one going too far, and so on.
Yeah, Bud got cast out, as deserved.
I don't see how a Dark Templar can help with breathing exercisers. The protoss don't breathe. Quote from the Starcraft wiki:
"They are bereft of mouths, noses, or visible ears and are without a sense of taste."
(Interestingly, they smell through their skins)
And so Aldaris and the Executor (Artanis) arrives, and now we go for Starcraft!
| Darth Sygnious chapter 8 . 7/24
Oh, for the sake of...!
This is the sixth chapter in a row (out of eight) where you apologize for being late. And you make it sound like you whimper a lot for it.
My words for you: Stop it! At once!
This is your story! Not ours. This is your spare time project, not ours! You owe us nothing! You do this for your own enjoyment, not because you bound to do so for our sake.
You write when you have the time and will to do so, and I know myself by experience that time is not always on our side.
But when you repeatedly apologize for being late, you give me the (false) impression that this work is more about trying to please us readers, than it is for your own enjoyment, and that you feel you're failing us. But there was nothing to fail us in to begin with! And now at this point, this begins to piss me off. Come on, show that you take some pride in what you accomplish instead! Show that you enjoy it! I don't want to read more apologies for something you're not bound to do! If this work has truly become more burden than joy, then you ought to stop at once!
Sigh... ok, now for the review itself:
Gamma quadrant? Isn't that a term used for one of the four quarters of the galaxy? (The other three being the Alpha quadrant, Beta quadrant and Delta quadrant.) I think it's used in science, and I know it's used in Star Trek. If so, wouldn't the Gamma quadrant be too far away from the Koprulu Sector, or wouldn't entire Koprulu Sector be part of the Gamma quadrant, if that is the sector's location?
I like seeing how Lizzy adapts and becomes one of the people on the Hyperion. Bonding with Jim, with Matt and with others of the crew playing poker and telling tales. Such blissful moments... precious to those with burdened lives, such as Lizzy.
"Damn it! Not again!"
Hahahah, that was a funny scene.
I enjoyed the chapter. Good work ;)
But again, please stop apologizing for every single chapter. It's your project, not ours.