|Reviews for The Lotus And The Sun|
| C-T-CT chapter 12 . 3/2/2013
Sorry, again...my scientific mind is tinkering here. Instead of the sun having "twice" the output, maybe "substantially higher" and make it more ambiguous otherwise Earth would be as hot as the planet Venus. LOL
I enjoyed the complement from Raphael to Donatello. Usually we don't see that side of Raphael being so kind to Donatello, usually Raphael is the first one to make fun of Donatello, especially with his malfunctioning machines.
It was nice to see some character growth with Lotus in her changing her viewpoint of life through the experience.
Splinter abhors using the word "destiny"? LOL, interesting and funny.
| C-T-CT chapter 11 . 3/2/2013
I liked Shredder's "villains tend to brag" remark, it was a clever OT-style joke.
The scene with Rocksteady picking up April's compact was a cute reference to "Green With Jealousy", but would Rocksteady still be charmed by April? I thought his "affection" for April was cured by the end of "Green With Jealousy" since he treated April, in subsequent episodes, the same in episodes before the love potion. I don't know if Rocksteady would be that helpful in picking it up for April.
Okay...I'm a little confused about the logic here: **putting on astronomy hat** "...move the sun behind the moon and condemn the entire planet to a permanent age of cold, darkness, and perpetual despair..." With the moon millions of times smaller than the sun, how exactly could the moon "block" the sunlight (usually that's with a solar eclipse but that only blocks a tiny portion of the Earth.) Unless as the chapter states, the sun's energy was SO suppressed by the inhibitor that the tiny size of the moon could easily and abruptly change the temperature of the Earth. LOL, sorry...my scientific mind is tinkering away here, but it means I've invested in your fanfic! :)
Okay Zarius...LOL. The hospital staff missing was more plausible (stuck in traffic), it's just any doctor tolerating any guy of the street to help with delivering a baby in a hospital unless there's some unusual circumstance...where just ringing alarms of medical malpractice. LOL
This one scene was a bit strange: "Eventually, the surge of light dissipated, but it had lingered long enough to leave everyone with a lifelong memory of this late hour. Leonardo yawned, the exhausting tasks of the day finally, it seemed, had been put to rest, and now his mind was contemplating the same notion." Maybe you should say, "...lifelong memory of this late hour. After the couple and the baby were settled for some time, Leonardo yawned..." It's just a bit odd that right after an amazing, awe-struck event, Leonardo "yawns" was abrupt in the next sentence as if the previous event was unimpressive. That's all...
I enjoyed Leonardo convincing Lotus to go back to that childhood sense of wonder and innocence, it was...nice. It was also good to see Derik's pessimism changed after the event by singing the Annie song, "The Sun will come out..."
The chapter is still great (characters, action fighting, and added depth with Leo & Lotus discussing about childhood wonder), don't interpret the length of the above issues to think the chapter was problematic.
| C-T-CT chapter 10 . 2/28/2013
This line added another layer of depth to your fanfic: Leonardo didn't know what to say, it hurt him to see Lotus feel disheartened and losing her sense of wonder. Was life always destined to disappoint? He briefly thought to himself, before he put such an idea out of his head when faced with the challenge ahead...to make something made of life count in this world.
I have to admit that Dr. Reaves allowing Derik to deliver a baby was a bit of stretch at a hospital (with no one else to help), but eh... its the OT universe and necessary for the story.
The Lotus kiss on Leonardo's cheek was adorably cute and good fighting scenes.
| C-T-CT chapter 9 . 2/28/2013
Raphael's lines are great with "ring on it", "get on with the star trek", "moonwalk"; really nailing the character's quips down.
It's getting more suspenseful as I'm trying to figure out the Rebus space mission and Leo & Lotus adventure are all connected.
| C-T-CT chapter 8 . 2/28/2013
The first paragraph was wonderfully deep, because it gave a bit of emotional depth to the story. It immediately sets the tone of the scene. I like the added depth of Leonardo reflecting over his thoughts in how all of this time he was romantically impressing Lotus rather than solely focusing on the mission at hand. But...I don't know if the previous chapters made that apparent or leaned toward Leonardo's infatuation with her. The only thing I picked up on was the small subtle "dance" remark.
Anyways though, I like how you added a bit of mystery to it with Leonardo trying to figure out the numbers and location from the story and giving an introspective look into what Leonardo was thinking. Of course, things that I am doing in my fanfic. LOL, like I said before Zarius...are you sure you're not "mind-reading" my fanfic? :P The reason I like this introspective approach is that it captivates the adult interest in the reader when you read these OT fanfics.
| C-T-CT chapter 7 . 2/28/2013
One small bit of advice is that you may want to indicate that the NASA control centre is New York City (at least in the OT universe), because some more casual fans will think that April traveled to Washington D.C., Houston, Texas, or Florida (where are the locations of some NASA buildings.)
Ah Michelangelo...how did I know your version of rations would be a pepperoni pizza? LOL XD
"Jonathan Frakes" line...funny! I guess you're a Star Trek fan too Zarius? ;)
Raphael's line of "aborted screenplays"...LOL, I know that's about Bay's version of TMNT.
I love the subtle adult joke about "mate" and how Americans and the British use the word differently. Very clever Zarius!
That was interesting moment: "You guys sure you can handle this without Leonardo?" April said It seems to harken back to the episode "Take Me To Your Leader" and if the 3 have possibly developed leadership qualities themselves since then? Hmmm... could be a possible "plot bunny" to look into.
| C-T-CT chapter 6 . 2/28/2013
That was funny, lost in translation situation with Lotus saying "we are bound by the Hammer of the Wolf" in referring to Wolfhammer. I loved how you had Leonardo have a joke during fighting saying "I'd love to chat further...", it gives more personality to him then being the flat, 2D heroic depiction that sometimes OT Leonardo was criticized in having.
In addition, as Brooke Thomas and BubblyShell22 have stated, the Leo/Lotus interaction is natural and has subtle flirtation without extending it past the OT's limits. Lotus' speech/dialogue is in character.
Good job in describing Leonardo's fight scene! I was able to follow the fighting without having to reread the story. (It's a good sign when a reader can read through it once or twice [at most], and can imagine what's going on! :) )
Good job Zarius!
| C-T-CT chapter 5 . 2/28/2013
Hmmm...the first scene was unexpected, but it seems to be a clue possibly about these books.
I thought this was a hallmark piece of insight: "You are of rational reason and do not break so easily Donatello, Leonardo on the other hand is burdened greatly by leadership responsibilities, and often attempts to overachieve so he can prove himself constantly capable of being the one voice that unifies all four of yours."
Hilarious line with Michelangelo saying "money can't buy me love" from Channel 6, and Raphael's pun with "space" from Shredder.
Characterization is on-spot and paragraph structure is still good! The only thing odd was Shredder's request to "do not approach the sun". It seemed ambiguous, at least to me. I know Shredder is calling out to the "citizens of the world" but how exactly are the citizens of earth able to "approach" the sun? Or are you referring to any potential astronauts to not travel toward the sun?
| C-T-CT chapter 4 . 2/28/2013
Love Shredder's quip to Rocksteady about his reading level! Raph's last line was hilarious.
So far Lotus' characterization is good, in which she is well-spoken and has a philosophical flare to it. The only thing that was a little unusual was Splinter's line of saying Leonardo was "eagerness to jump to conclusions". I know that Leonardo is ambitious and enthusiastic, but "jump to conclusions"? Hmmm, it's just me but I thought Leonardo was usually more careful and discerning, but obviously not as tediously cautious as Donatello. But I'm not bothered or anything...
It's an interesting use of involving a children's book "Who Sings the Sun To Sleep?" into the plot.
Paragraph structure is looking good now where it lines up with the dialogue and characters.
| Brooke Thomas chapter 12 . 2/27/2013
Great end to a great story Zarius, can't wait to start reading the next one!
| Brooke Thomas chapter 11 . 2/27/2013
Firstly Raph's Uranus joke was genius and secondly well done! Loved this chapter, I've never been a big Lotus fan but you've actually got me liking her. :)
| C-T-CT chapter 3 . 2/26/2013
LOL...whoops my bad mistake. I noticed "cosy" and "tyres" again, and I realized its the British way of spelling "cozy and "tires" in American English. It makes sense now. :)
I think "Dudedette" is spelled "Dudette", but then again...it's Michelangelo slang. LOL
This is a very trivial thing, but in the OT the full name of the characters were said...almost ALL the time. They never used their nicknames: Leo, Donny, Raph, Mike/Mikey I just noticed it near the end of Chapter 1 and beginning of Chapter 3. Again, it's so trivial, but I don't know how strict you are in following the OT.
Zarius, I'm really enjoying the descriptive paragraphs before each chapter to give the reader a visual idea of the scenery and also describing the facial reactions and emotions of the characters in the dialogue. I do that too to help the reader visualize the subtle emotions.
The teasing between Michelangelo and April is adorably cute. Hmmm, this story is getting a little deeper with April contemplating about motherhood, interesting.
Uhh, again the paragraph structure here is a bit important during the fighting scene of Lotus and Michelangelo against these warriors; to have a separate paragraph for each character speaking/reacting.
It should be more like:
"I could easily ask the same of you" Lotus said, as she and Michelangelo stood back to back against the five warriors.
"I was kinda paying an elderly woman a visit, but enough about that, let's make whoever's hassling you old news" Michelangelo said. Lotus nodded, and the two separated, taking on their foes with swift and decisive action and expertly skilled reflexes.
Michelangelo's knife-edged chops connected with an assailant's chest, he then brought his elbow down on their neck before standing on top of his head, digging it deep into the sand, the Turtle walked all over the rest of his body, as he did so, another of the warriors ran towards him, Michelangelo dropped down, scooped up the warrior with his feet, landed on his shell and tossed the foe high into the air, he then took out his grappling hook and fired it, the rope latched around the falling foe's legs.
(This last sentence...is kind of a run-on sentence. Try splitting it into two or three sentences instead.)
So far the characterization and the tone is great, it's just the paragraph structure needs some tweaking.
(The turtle Mother from "Turtles, Turtles Everywhere", and the three baby Turtles "Adventures in Turtle Sitting", Love this little pieces of episode trivia!)
| C-T-CT chapter 2 . 2/26/2013
Evil aliens and the weather device, excellent reference to "Hot Rodding Teenagers.."
You are doing a great job with the comedy puns that the OT had. I laughed at the "gravity of the situation part". Hmmm...it's making me wonder about how the children books will tie in with everything.
| C-T-CT chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
The chapter is starting great so far with great spot-on character depictions, but I think the structure of your paragraphs need to be formatted properly as IcyKali mentioned. It should be one paragraph for every character to make it visually easier to follow the conversations.
| Brooke Thomas chapter 10 . 2/26/2013
Excellent! It's all coming together nicely and you've got a real talent for the fight scenes, they flow so well.