|Reviews for Warrior|
| Chris7221 chapter 7 . 5/26/2013
That was... meh. For better or for worse. There was nothing really egregious, except that it switched perspectives with no indication of doing so. I don't understand why Ghost took her shooting, and I hope she doesn't join the 141. Yeah, it would be cool, but it wouldn't logically make any sense. I hope the suggestion wasn't serious.
| Chris7221 chapter 5 . 4/28/2013
This story remains very confusing and hard to follow.
Why is Leila staying with the TF141? There seems to be a reason somewhere but it's never given. What happened during the 11 years apart?
Questions aside, it jumps all over the place. We move from POV to POV constantly and there's no consistent sense of time. Aside from that, very short and rushed. This story moves too fast to really cover anything in any depth. I think that adds to the confusion quite a bit- nothing is explained adequately.
There are also some technical errors and the writing has some mistakes in it, but it's not terrible. What is worrying is that this seems to be heading toward a typical girl-in-141 fic. Please prove me wrong.
I know I've said this about a lot of stories, but I'm going to say it again. Good idea, bad execution. I like the concept of this story, but it's impossible to follow.
| Some Person chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
The ONLY problem I have with this story so far is the grammar and spelling mistakes. Other thain that, this is A work.
| Lisbet Adair chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
Has read up to the end of Chapter 2, which is all available chapters at the time of reading.
I had to go and re-check this wasn't a sequel to something, and you've not said it is in the summary, because the plot is so obtuse. The characters of the 141 don't need explained, because you can assume that the people who are reading the story are familiar with the canon, but if you are going to add OCs, we need to know what their relationship is with the rest of the force. Who are the people in the warehouse? What are they doing there? Why are the 141 involved?
There's also a problem with the formatting of Chapter 1. I know that is a bit of a nightmare when it comes to inserting line breaks because it won't recognise even manually HTML coded ones, but there is the option to insert a horizontal line to indicate a break.
In Chapter 2, you've not told us the setting for the story. If it's based in the UK, a gun nerd family who aren't rural would be very odd, whereas I don't think it would be considered that abnormal in the US, given what I've learnt from the coverage of the recent shootings. If we're to get a sense of Leila having had an abnormal upbringing, we're going to need to know a bit more about it to put it in context. Also, I find it a bit odd that she doesn't have any drive to take revenge on her tormentors herself, if she knows how to fight.
| Chris7221 chapter 2 . 2/25/2013
I am hopelessly confused.
It's a good concept. Girl with black ops parents, lies and mysteries everywhere. The first chapter wasn't the best, but it wasn't too bad. The only big point of contention I have is Hannah's codename, which is confusingly the same as her daughter's name. There were also some technical inaccuracies but I don't want to point them out thumb-typing on my phone.
The second chapter jumps all over the place. Is she in high school or college? Does this happen before or after? Who are these step parents? One moment they're in class (paying for homework? only one staying?), the next there's a creepy stalker, and then an explosion which is stated but never actually described. It felt rushed and muddled.
I'll keep reading to see if this story improves. You have my attention.
| MunchyKool chapter 2 . 2/22/2013
This is great! I'm liking the story and I can't wait until you update next! The chapter wasn't bad, don't worry about it :)