|Reviews for Dark Slumber|
| acctdisabled chapter 1 . 12/1/2015
Hi there, your story was recommended by a member over at the Reviews Lounge Too, and I decided to come and see what its all about! So I’m fandom-blind, so please excuse any ignorance on my part.
Right away, I got the sense Ishizu was feeling considerable regret for what had passed, and certainly the isolation was well established with the lines ‘The silence was deafening..had no idea what was going on….still had the Millennium Necklace.’ We are also given a nice hint with ‘…he was still here…’ that Yami has some sort of important to Ishizu.
[She was insane to even be here. What was she thinking?] Have you considered using dialogue from Ishizu herself to get this point across? I think it would make this more impactful, since she’s the one who feels she is insane for heading towards his room.
The imagery was nicely done throughout the text, especially when Ishizu opens Yami’s room and goes searching for him. It made the little nuances stand out, and really painted the picture for the reader.
[Ask her to play…she shook her head] here was a nice hint at the emotional connection she has with Yami. One suggestion I have to increase the emotional impact of this part is to consider interspersing these lines between the ‘His face held no expression….But as she stood’ because this would further show her conflict as she is observing his rested state. [A silent gasp entered her] did you mean ‘exit’ her?
It was interesting too see that Yami’s aggressive reaction is a representation of how closed off their relationship has become. And really, you paint a picture effectively as to why Ishizu wants to become close with her brother again. [pure evil couldn’t possibly look so innocent while asleep] excellent line!
A suggestion I have is to work on a little more variety in the sentence structure, for several paragraphs started with the same lines. For example, the paragraphs from ‘She wished’ to “She pressed’ could have more variety by switching up the number of ‘she’s’ that start the paragraph.
I’d also consider adding some dialogue, because this event has a strong emotional impact on Ishizu, and sometimes its really hard to convey emotions through ‘telling’ alone- why not ‘show’ a little more by supplementing Ishizu’s body language and reactions with some internal dialogue and verbal reactions?
| Thera Lance chapter 1 . 11/15/2015
Oh, you didn’t make Yami Marik cute, he’s just sitting there hugging the Rod like a stuffed animal while Ishizu wraps a blanket around him (which it would be hilarious to see his reaction once he woke up)…Never mind, you did make him cute, which isn’t a bad thing. This piece is supposed to be from Ishizu’s point of view, so it is good that the reader (at least me) can ‘see’ why she would risk tucking a blanket around him.
It was entertaining how Ishizu kept trying to convince herself not to open the door or not to run her hand through his hair, and I also think that the sentences were well structured when showing her dilemma. For example, I really liked “Her finger hovered over the key…She was truly mad…she needed to leave’ ‘And then her finger pressed it,” paragraphs.
Besides being entertained by some of the lines, I feel sorry for Ishizu. It is clear from the way that she risks so much just to touch her brother again and to try to make an aspect of him that would kill her in a heartbeat comfortable in his sleep that she just wants her little brother back.
| albino shadowz chapter 1 . 5/11/2013
AWWWH. Until this moment in time I did not think it possible for Fearshipping to be cute. But THIS... dude, you gave me lovely little butterflies in mah tummy. I suppose it was the Mythshippy-ness that really made it work, eh? Oh my freaking Ra, brushing his hair out of his face like that... so cuuuute... I'll have you know, suh, I am a darkfic writer/reader, but I am currently a puddle of feels right now. Thanks for the lovely read. :)
| Miss-DNL chapter 1 . 5/11/2013
Aw, such a nice story. Its cute to see such a scene between the two, even if Yami Marik was asleep. lol
| GeminiLady21 chapter 1 . 5/4/2013
Aw, how cute. Seems like a likely scenario for once
| GoodEnoughTheOpenDoor chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
aawwwwww so cute! :3
I love it! :D
| IamEnVIOUS chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
I am blown by your job.