Reviews for Uneternal Sleep
Direwolf Nymeria chapter 1 . 12/13/2013
This was a really good idea, very interesting :)
DiamondGamer chapter 3 . 7/14/2013
I..I don't know what to say. I'm just speechless.
This was a really nice story, that's what I can say.
bren97122 chapter 3 . 6/25/2013
Ohhhhhhhhh boyyyyy! That was unexpected. But I don't know why you're doubting yourself; that was amazing work. The Rebirth ending fascinates me with the mystery it creates so flawlessly, and you hit it spot on. I can't wait to see what these new projects are! Good luck!
Captain Sensible chapter 3 . 6/21/2013
Not a bad ending! I really hope to see your next project though.
Captain Sensible chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
Holy shit. This chapter. Without reading ahead yet, this is fantastic. A great way to hook a reader.
Not at home chapter 3 . 6/19/2013
Well, actually it had potential. I don't know how different it would have been from the original ending, but if it had been fleshed out a bit more I'd be great.

It's okay as-is. Maybe it could have used some more foreshadowing of "Mary" having an identity crisis or something - just if there was space in the story leftover from James dying.
bren97122 chapter 2 . 3/17/2013
Wow. I'm glad you decided to continue this. I always wondered what happened in the resurrection ending. This is getting very interesting indeed. I really love the stuff you write for SH2. Especially your Three Women story, which made me want to write about Angela a lot. Excellent work, hoping for more.
Not at home chapter 2 . 3/17/2013
It does seem a little jarring how quickly everything seems to return to...I wanna say normalcy, but James isn't covered with that, is he?
Maiafay chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
Stupid FFN. That last review was mine.
Guest chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
Overall, I liked it. I feel it's a snapshot of what could have been after this ending. Maybe a tad rushed regarding James's feelings about the ritual - but at this point, we've gone the entire game with James. We know what he feels and what he's gone through. Maybe some retrospect might be nice before he lays her down on the altar, or right after. But really, it's a pretty much a point A to B to C story: James arrives, he sets her on the alter, the ritual commences. I think you did a great job with tone and setting the mood. Most of your descriptions envoked a sense of gritty lushness: from the lake to the interior of the church, and the Otherworld itself.

Just a thought: when he sets the mementoes by Mary's leg, could you have him take a moment to touch her? I think it could be reverent, some last minute adjustment of her clothing, getting her ready. It seemed to me he would do that, especially if preparing for such a sacred event.

Here is what I feel could be improved if you edited - or for the next story you make.

Some of your metaphors ended up being more distracting than helpful in creating the image for me. Ex. "The waters lap against the shore like absently licking tongues, washing pebbles into the waves."

I would suggest to just keep it "water laps against the shore, washing pebbles into the waves..." Or even Pepples roll and settle with every gentle wave into the shore.

Now I have the image of pebbles lifting with the waves and rolling out - not little tongues lapping at the shore (which I unfortunately thought as I read that).

Same with the peeling paint as withered centipedes. I advise to take out the metaphor. Otherwise I'm picturing dead bugs covering the exterior of the church - not white peeling paint.

I'm learning myself not every description should be metaphors or laden with adjectives. Simple is better in most cases. Save your metaphors for concepts, or descriptions that are pivotal, or for abstract imagery that you can't convey on conventional ways. Paint peeling isn't something that your reader really needs to "notice" on a grand scale.

Some nits:

Her lips open slightly every time her head falls back from being jostled up the path.

Try: Her lips [part] every time her head jostles in his arms) or something to that affect. If it's implied (we know he's going up the path; we know he's walking), don't bother mentioning it - or condense it if you feel the reader needs reminding.

Names swim in his head...not sure what this is referencing since you never elaborate "what " names are swimming in his head.

"Delicious slit" made me immediately think dirty. Intentional?

"Her lips are laced with his blood, and now her mouth is red and cavernous."

Did he open her mouth to make that observation?

Ogre-like? I suggest something less high fantasy - more horror. Resonant praying, thunderous praying, sonorous praying (though, I would say chanting more than praying, but it's up to you).

His head swims with a yearning he can't satisfy - omit that last part. When one yearns, they aren't satisfied by default. Tweak that sentence and this would make your ending more poignant.

M
sentfromsilence37 chapter 1 . 3/4/2013
Ok, this was a pretty nifty oneshot, but the real reason I'm writing is that I have been convinced for years that Vermilion part 2 is about James and Mary. It just fits too well. So good call. And good story :D
Not at home chapter 1 . 3/3/2013
I held off from reviewing because I didn't notice it was done.

I think you're the only person who can write a present tense story well. Like, really well. Not really much to say - painted a pretty clear picture of the scene and a not-quite-happy ending seems to work.
Saddened Soul chapter 1 . 3/3/2013
Heya. Checked the Silent Hill page and saw you had this up.

It's decent-but something about it feels a little off. Maybe a little rushed? Or maybe I just read it quickly. Anyway, I think the idea is interesting, though I felt it went a little over the top there at the end. I've never particularly thought about the ceremony at the core of the "Rebirth" ending, but I think I would have approached it differently. Seemed a little too explicit for my tastes. Nothing wrong with that, though. Just a difference of opinion.

The piece is written well, but I have a pet peeve. Some of your writing seems a little stuffy. For example, you mention Mary's "extremities." I think "fingers" or "hands" would work a lot better, both in terms of how they sound and the more immediate meanings they evoke.

Your style is good overall. But trying to "devolve" words and sentences can be a good exercise. It's something I struggle with occasionally when editing, but it's worth it. Then again, if it sounds good to you, just take my advice with a grain of salt.

Anyway, it was an interesting piece. I'm a little iffy on whether or not I liked it, but it was interesting. Good luck on whatever comes next.