|Reviews for So Close, Yet Still Far|
| Kegi Springfield chapter 24 . 10/2/2013
Finish reading it...
and what a beautifull story!
It's rare to find a gem like this! Especially Henry x Rika one...
| G Tamers Hikari Moved chapter 1 . 9/7/2013
I don't know why this story has rate M.
What i knew is if you post this as rate M, it means the story has 'something' that only mature person can see it.
So, because of that i can't see this in my update list fic -_- (i'm protected yeah :D)
Well, this is so good...
ps: sorry for my bad english
| videogamenerd101 chapter 24 . 5/24/2013
A cold hearted girl can become a good person after all and it's all because of him. ("coldhearted" is one word.)
Henry always bought her with cotton candy when they were still young. (The way this sentence is worded makes it sound like Henry actually bought with Rika and payed for her with cotton candy. I'd take out the "with" in the sentence.)
"It doesn't matter now, Rika. She's already here and we're blessed to have her." He assured. (This should be rewritten as :"...to have her," he assured.)
While they were resting, the blue haired man sat beside his auburn-haired wife as their daughter walked just meters away from them. (There should be a hyphen in "blue-haired".)
he winked. ("he" should be capitalized.)
The couple were totally amused with what Miyako just did and laughed. ("were" should be "was".)
I also want to point out that although Miyako is an OC, I felt like she was pretty OOC for a four-year-old. All kids I know that age hate it when they see any couple doing anything romantic and they'd look away and complain about how gross it looks. I mean, I was like that when I was at that age, and so was everyone I know. But that's just a suggestion.
Aw, I really like Miyako! She's really cute! :) I wish you had more detail about how and why it almost led to a miscarriage, though... Anyways, I'm interested in seeing the Jurato sequel. :) Nice story overall!
| lostpenman chapter 23 . 5/24/2013
I have noticed that you tend to describe clothing in a very descriptive way. Sometimes it adds to the story but not always. I wish you had written a bit more on the wedding scene itself and maybe delved a bit more into the thoughts of the characters. Aside from that the mood of jubilation is sustained well in the chapter. I hope you update soon. I am curious to see where their relationship goes after a more genuine marriage.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 23 . 5/23/2013
At the same time, Rika's guardians also visit them. (Verb confusion here. "visit" should be "visited". You also changed tenses one other time in this chapter.)
The couple were extremely surprised with that. ("were" should be "was".)
"We're sorry." the couple said with guilt. (When using a speech verb, end dialogue with a comma instead of a period. This also applies for thoughts.)
"Your brother's right, Henry. It's about time we see your own children with Rika, you know?" he winked. (Winking can't let out any words. Either capitalize the "he" before it or use a different verb.)
Jeri rode inside at the front next to driver's seat. (I think you meant "…to the driver's seat.")
"Our son's all grown up and married once again!" Mrs. Wong said to Mr. Wong . (I think you accidentally placed an extra space.)
Rika's guardians stood at the opposite side where the Wongs's stood. ("Wongs's" should be "Wongs".)
"I'm gonna check on my teammates, Henry! I'll be back!" Rika said as they broke from each other.. (You accidentally placed two periods.)
Also, I wish you would have put more emotion into that flashback. I couldn't really connect with that part of the story, honestly. I also wish that there was more imagery of the ballroom of the Royal Hotel.
But anyways, this was really cute! I liked the wedding very much. :) Update soon!
| videogamenerd101 chapter 22 . 5/16/2013
"Really" Rika asked again. (You didn't put some sort of punctuation at the end of the dialogue.)
Now, all of them are already awake. (Verb confusion here. "are" should be "were". There was also another spot with verb confusion.)
The brunet couple went with Grandma Seiko and entered the room. (Remember what I told you about the "brunet" thing? For girls it should be "brunette" and guys are "brunet". You also made this mistake a few other times.)
"I'll make sure to accomplish those two on our honeymoon!" he smirked. (The "he" right before "smirked" should be capitalized.)
"At least you two are fine now." Mrs. Satou replied wistfully. (When using a speech verb, end dialogue with a comma instead of a period.)
The couple only looked at Fumio's tomb solemnly and stood there for some time. (You misspelled Fumiko.)
This was a calm chapter and nothing much happened, but it's still nice. I'm glad Henry and Rika are okay, and I'm grateful that those two are willing to visit Fumiko'a tomb at least. Fumiko was a bitch, but I still feel sorry for her.
| lostpenman chapter 22 . 5/16/2013
I have a question, Why do so many of your characters end up in hospitals? I remember reading a hospital scene in another story.
It would have been nice, if you had shown a bit more of what Henry was thinking, when he was at the funeral. Perhaps we could have had more of Fumiko thoughts, she is sympathetic in some regards but maybe we could have seen her and Henry together more often, so her death would hit us even more.
Aside from that there is some really good characterization here. Henry cracking jokes to create a positive atmosphere, really resonated with Terriormon's momentai/hakuna matata kind of approach to life, because he had the habit of cracking jokes in the most tense moments of the show. It is nice to see that Terriormon has influenced Henry like that.
I love Rika's characterization as well, because she was sweet and sympathetic to a woman who assaulted her, insulted her and tried to kill her. It shows emotional strength because it would be easier to classify Fumiko as the villain instead of seeing her as someone who is heartbroken , lost and someone who deserves to be remembered.
Another thing that I liked was the very poignant moment where Henry is talking to Rika when she in unconscious and when they celebrate the fact that they are alive. I was thinking of the clause 'till death do us apart' when I was reading that and it really affirms the commitment that Henry and Rika have made to each other.
I don't know if I am right or not, but I think capturing the characters emotions and evoking emotions in the raders is your biggest strength and you should continue to capitalize it.
I think that this is your strongest chapter so far.
So keep going, and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
| PorcelainDollxx chapter 14 . 5/16/2013
Waaaoh, emotions bipolar in this chapter :P
1) Rika is waaaay too gullible. She also assumes too much, and she should know, when we assume, we make an ass out of you and me.
2)... Rika thought that he took her virginity... but her clothes were on? what? Also, why did she assume it was him who changed her and not her mom. Rikaa,, when we assume...
3) Henry is my favourite person in this chapter! He is so sweet and OMG HE ADMITTED HIS FEELINGS, WHAAAAT.
4) "I love you just the way you are" *breaks out into Bruno Mars*
5)THEY KISSED. omgg, this is all in one chapter huh? :P
6) Why would Henry ask Rika why she was drunk in the car, when he asked her that inside? :s Confus-ayed.
This was a roller coaster of emotions! But omg FINALLY, they admitted that they liked each other. Gosh.
SO, yeah :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 21 . 5/15/2013
In addition, she was her feet were clad with red pumps while her auburn hair was tied in a high ponytail. (The "she was" after the comma shouldn't be there.)
"Okay, dear," Grandma Seiko stood up and got ready. (Standing can't let out any words. Either end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma or use a different verb.)
"Miss McCoy, I'm Inspector Hiyasaki and the one you talked to earlier." the policeman introduced himself and offered to shake Alice's hand. (When using a speech verb, the dialogue should end with a comma instead of a period.)
The brunets returned their gaze to the people in front of them as if they were demanding an explanation. (I want to point out that "brunette" should be fore girls and "brunet" should be for guys.)
Ugh, stupid Fumiko! She's so desperate! :/ Now Henry and Rika are badly injured! But I know they'll be okay. I'm glad Fumiko's dead, honestly.
To tell the truth, I didn't think anyone was OOC. :)
Nice chapter! Update soon!
| videogamenerd101 chapter 20 . 5/10/2013
"Ir's already 9:10 AM you know!" (I'm pretty sure this was an accident, but you misspelled "It's".)
For her, the former Masato who used to ask her out and bug her several times was totally gone and she was thankful for that. (Because the relative clause in this sentence is nonrestrictive, it should be separated out with commas. Place one after "Masato" and "times".)
"YES, SIR!" the employees answer in a whole and solid voice. (Verb confusion here. "answer" should be "answered".)
"So do I!" Rika agreed. ("Do" wouldn't be the correct word to use when you're talking about how someone feels. Plus, no one in real life really speaks like that. Replace "do" with "am".)
she was at the reception area when employees greeted her once again. (You forgot to capitalize the beginning of this sentence.)
"I realized that I haven't given you an engagement ring even if we're married for show." Henry explained. (Because the dialogue is followed with a speech verb, you should end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period.)
I also wish you included more details about all the emotions going through Rika during the proposal. I couldn't really connect with the moment. During heavy moments like those, the reader always wants to feel like he/she is living that moment, and that's not how I felt. So I'd add more emotion details to add to the romantic atmosphere.
But that's still so sweet! It was a typical proposal, but it was still really cute. :) I can't wait to see their honeymoon!
Nice chapter! Update soon!
| videogamenerd101 chapter 19 . 5/8/2013
She was of medium height and had black hair that extended to her shoulders, fair complexion. Her face had black eyes, small nose and pale lips. She was wearing a black dress and black heels. (This isn't a grammar mistake, but a suggestion. I just thought you really lacked in description when you were describing her and you used the same words like "black" too many times. You could replace some of them with "onyx-colored" or something like that to make it more specific. Also, you could've been more specific about the details of her dress. It's very bland to just say "black dress".)
I'd better investigate! She thought. (The "she" should be lowercase.)
Rika could not fight back because her Fumiko was holding her hair very tightly. (The "her" before "Fumiko" shouldn't be there.)
Fumiko stepped towards to Henry and Rika while looking at them in desperation. (The "to" shouldn't be there.)
"From the start, Fumiko, I made it clear that I'd only offer friendship to you. But what did you do? You're still forcing yourself to me! Henry pointed out. (You forgot to end the dialogue with an ending quotation mark.)
People with weak walls tend to be over reactive and dominating towards another person, just like what Fumiko did… ("Overreact" is one word.)
When he went to the shop, he saw the woman who he gave his order weeks ago. (This should be "…woman whim he gave his order to weeks ago.")
I also want to point out that Henry and Rika were both really OOC in the scene with Fumiko. I know that you did it for the story's plot, but it really really bugs me when people make characters OOC. :/ Henry's not the type of person to continuously be mad at someone; I actually expected him to forgive Fumiko for what she did, even if she made a huge mistake. He would say something like he only thinks of her as a friend and nothing else, and that's all they'll ever be. I also expected Rika not to cry and instead be mad at Fumiko and stuff. I'm sorry, but it's just really annoying me about the OOCness and all… :/
But yeah, I wish Fumiko would just accept the fact that Henry doesn't love her. If Fumiko really did love Henry, she'd just let him do whatever he wanted as long as it made him happy. Oh well, she's just being really desperate as Rika thought. :P Ooh, so Henry's gonna do a proper proposal, huh? I can't wait to see it! :)
There was a lot of OOCness, which I really hate and all, but decent chapter nonetheless! I would've liked to see more description of the characters' emotions, but your writing is getting better, I've noticed. Update soon! :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 18 . 5/4/2013
When they reached the ground floor, Henry instantly opened the main door and found a large black and white striped cat standing in front of them while meowing continuously. (There should be hyphens in "black-and-white-striped".)
"I know… The two of you miss me!" he winked. (Because "winked" isn't a speech verb, "he" should be capitalized.)
"I could kill that woman for that!"Henry said while keeping his temper after hearing the conversation. (You didn't place a space after the end of Henry's dialogue.)
"When you mentioned that I left you for no reason, she probably took it in mind as I left you for another man." Rika assumed. (When using a speech verb, end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period.)
They sometimes break away from each other whenever they see someone familiar to them. (Some verb confusion here. "break" should be "broke" and "see" should be "saw")
You skimmed over a lot of scenes here, and it just didn't feel rushed; I couldn't tell that they were already back at Shinjuku and I couldn't tell that they were already at the restaurant. It took me a moment to realize. :/ Try to make this more clear, perhaps?
Huh... I wonder what's up with that girl back at Henry's old company. I wonder if she'll be playing an important role in this story... Also, I wonder if they really will have children in this story or if they'll have children in the sequel you told me about. Ah well, I'll just have to read on to find out.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 17 . 5/4/2013
What could possibly happen on my twenty-fifth birthday tomorrow? Rika thought. I guess it would be simple now that I'm with Henry… Last year, Jeri and I dined outside and I shouldered it. (Rika's thoughts here feel uncasual and unrealistic to me. I'd shorten them and use words that are less formal.)
Henry had let Rika sat first before he followed suit. ("sat" should be "sit")
"Uh… We'll have the pasta with white sauce," Henry said. (This isn't grammatically incorrect, but I just wanted to point out that there's no such term as "white sauce" in cooking. I think you meant "Alfredo sauce".)
when they were finished, Henry took Rika's wine glass and poured the champagne in it and he followed it with his own. (You forgot to capitalize "when" at the beginning of this sentence.)
"You wanna go star-gazing?" Henry asked. (There shouldn't be a hyphen in "stargazing".)
However, it was short-lived when they heard fireworks roaring in the air. (There shouldn't be a hyphen in "short lived" because that phrasal adjective follows the noun it modifies.)
"Happy month-anniversary, Rika!" Henry said. (There shouldn't be a hyphen in "month anniversary".)
It was 11:54 in the evening when the couple returned to their home and Rika fumbled for her house keys. (You should spell out all times unless it's followed by AM or PM.)
Rika turned to face Henry and smiled, "Come on, Henry!" she said and pulled his hand. (The comma after "smiled" should be a period.)
Since they lacked sleep, the couple slept inside the taxi with Henry's left arm was around Rika while Rika laid her head on Henry's shoulder. (The "was" should be taken out.)
Where could that Blue Hair be? She thought. ("She" should be lowercase.)
Henry smiled, "This is the first time we celebrate your birthday as a married couple so I decided that everything will be special and memorable. You made my twenty-fifth birthday memorable, Rika, and it's my turn to return the favor." (Smiling can't let out any words. Either use a different verb or replace the comma after "smiled" with a period.)
I wish you actually had some imagery in this chapter, because I hardly found any. Also, you skimmed over parts and I wish you added more detail to them because if you skim over the parts, it makes the story feel really rushed.
This chapter was really cute. :) I like how Jeri and the others reenacted the story of Henry and Rika's lives. I also like how you threw in the Frontier gang into this chapter. It was a nice touch. I really like those presents that Henry and Rika gave to each other. It was really sweet of them to do that. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 16 . 5/2/2013
"I'm ready but you're silly. You can take your time because it's only 8:01, you know?!" Rika chided him. (Remember that times should be spelled out unless it's followed by AM or PM. You made this time mistake one other time as well. Also, I'd replace "?!" to "?". Using the former makes Rika's dialogue sound awkward.)
"Fine!" Rika stood up and dusted herself as well as brought the folders with her. (This should be "…as well as she brought…")
"Oh. Hey, Kenshin," Rika returned the greeting dully. (Returning the greeting has no correlation with speech here. Either end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma or use a different verb. You made this correlation mistake a couple times as well.)
I felt like some parts needed more detail, especially with the emotions the characters are feeling, specifically Rika. Just a thought…
But yeah, looks like Miss Matsumoto knows now along with Aimi. I'm oretty sure it won't be long until the whole company finds out. :P I'm really curious as for what Henry plans on doing for Rika's birthday and how Jeri will be involved… Hopefully this'll turn out better than her thirteenth birthday. ;)
Decent chapter! Update soon! :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 15 . 5/1/2013
"Rika, you may now go on," Henry said and Rika nodded. (Your language in several parts felt too formal for everyday conversation and realistic thoughts. Maybe you could reword the dialogue to something like "Go ahead, Rika" or something like that. Keep in mind that this wasn't the only spot that I felt was too formal and unrealistic. Some description and non-dialogue/thoughts were choppy as well.)
"Actually, that was supposed to be last week but there had many problems… So, we're going to eat at The Japanese House downtown after office hours," Miss Matsumoto explained. "Probably at five." (This should be "…there had been many problems…")
It would be best if the party would be held on a Friday so it'll be weekend the next day, right? (This should be "…it'll be the weekend…")
The pacifist and the ice princess… He wondered. ("He" should be lowercase.)
"Oh, alright… Just say to Grandma for me. I still have files to finish, Mom. Bye and see you sometime!" (This should be "…say hi to Grandma…")
"Nomination for Account Executive," Miss Nakara smiled. (Smiling won't let out any sounds, thus meaning that this sentence has no correlation. Either end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma or use a different verb other than "smiled".)
Favorite seat? Rika thought with her eyes wide. Why don't you just say 'Get lost, idiot', Henry? (I think you meant to italicize the thoughts. Also, the single apostrophes should be replaced by double apostrophes.)
I felt sorry for Aimi. She even expected that we'll go home together. (Once again, I think you meant to italicize the thoughts.)
"Uh… Babe, Mom and Dad scheduled a flight to Hong Kong. There had so many emergencies…" he said. ("There" should be "They".)
He called me 'Babe'?! Even in front of Aimi?! Rika thought while Henry only smiled at Rika. Was he kidding me?! (The single apostrophes should be double apostrophes. You make this mistake with the apostrophes a few times.)
Are you an idiot, Henry? I know that you love me but don't do this to me! She thought frantically. ("She" should be lowercase.)
Not long after, the couple arrived at their house, Rika was the first to get inside their room. (This is a comma splice, which is when you connect two independent clauses with a comma, which is grammatically incorrect; in this case, the comma splice is the last comma in this sentence. Replace that comma with a period so the whole thing can be two sentences.)
I want to reinforce the fact that some things were skimmed over and more detail would've helped. Also, some of the ellipses should be replaced by commas or periods and you should use the line thing more frequently so transitions from one scene to the next won't be so awkward.
Huh… so Aimi knows about Rika and Henry now. I wonder if that'll be a good thing for their relationship or a bad thing. Something tells me that the whole company will eventually find out about their married status with the way you sort of foreshadowed things at the end. But I also could be terribly wrong… :P Well, I don't have time to read the next chapter right now, but I'll definitely try to find the time to do so tomorrow!