That was a very dog-like dog. "For this, of course, is the way you speak to a run-of-the-mill evil villain when you need time to think." Those wordy Shakespearean characters were on to something. "Death first!" Westley! "For they are subtle and quick to anger," Fight with the power of canon! "And who could blame him! Very few derivative fantasy characters would have kept their confidence, facing a bona fide son of Thranduil with his ire up." Golf clap, I applaud. "In his spite, he had committed the crucial and oft-overlooked error of laughing maliciously before he was sure of his victory." Ha! Smooth. "Skewered with arrows though he was, Finrond lived; the Story showed no sign of ending." Having all the checklists that have to be filled was a great touch and so aggravating!

"It may have been pity that stayed Legolas' hand in that moment, for he knew that Finrond was even more a slave to the Story than he himself." True, and I liked that reference to Bilbo and Gollum and pity. ""And I release Enóreth from her servitude! She is free!"Legolas blinked; he had forgotten all about her for a moment. "Oh," he said. "Enóreth. Right. Very well, you are free to go." Oh yeah, the 'heroine'.

"He gazed upon Legolas and knew that a brighter world awaited the Elf at the Story's end, a world with depth and purpose, in which legends were cherished and lived on through the passage of time." You know it! "But Legolas was already whirling to counter the attack, for he had been in this Story far too long not to expect such an age-old cliché." Of course. "The heavy diamond chain snapped like a whip around the handle of the knife." He figured out how to actually use the necklace in a cool way, good one. "it isn't over, it isn't, not yet!" Uh oh..."All the signs of a Dramatic Kissing Scene (leading to heaven only knows what else) were making themselves known." AUUUUGHHHHHH, do something! Phew, escape. I do kind of wish that he'd led some dramatic original upheaval against fan schlock though.

"Personally, I think he guessed you'd be needing a better taste in your mouth." Hmmm. I'm glad they support each other.

"Indeed, it seemed just the kind of foreseeable plot twist so often employed by such a Story." Facepalm. "No doubt Legolas was meant to use the necklace to overcome it." Buck the system! Reason and true honor beat obsessively blind 'love'! "He drew the chain taut between his hands, caught the orc by the neck, and throttled the creature to death." YES! "If not appeased, the Story was stunned into silence. By the letter of the law Legolas had done nothing wrong." TAKE THAT!

"And her evil side had been brought forth, if the skin-tight black leather garments she wore were any indication." Stupid style. "Already he could sense the Forces closing in, ready to hinder his efforts the moment he raised a hand against her." Frustration, lots of it.

"But such poetic speech – and in the true elvish tongue, no less – was far too alluring to resist." Work their raging delusions against them, Legolas. "Steeling himself, Legolas wrenched his arm free, grabbed Enóreth by the shoulders, and kissed her square on the mouth." Oh for, geh, it's just feels so much like losing. I really hope he gets the last laugh and final victory. "Then she swooned and fell forward with a sigh, ready to be caught in his loving embrace. Legolas sidestepped. She hit the floor with a thud." Nice. "...but I daresay you'll be able to do as you please for a while after a kiss like that."

"Well, that is one benefit," said Legolas with a grimace. "Peh. I will be tasting honey for days!" "Small price to pay, if you ask me." Still wish he could have gotten on without it, peh indeed.

"And when he discovered that whoever had tied him up had also found it necessary to loosen his collar and unbraid his hair, he slumped in his bonds and moaned." Seriously, what's the need? "Alas, Legolas had fallen into the clutches of a Hero In Bondage Scene." Yep, that sums it up, stupid conventions. "Such disgrace – an Elf rendered helpless by mere ropes! When he might have broken chains of iron if allowed his strength!" Again, SERIOUSLY? A pox on those people who don't do their research! "...and why for pity's sake had she not untied him" Ahh, the lack of logic! and still I laugh. "I laugh at you in your misery!" Yeah, and I laugh at that gleefully overdone villainy. "Enóreth beseech heavenly aid, but the Valar seemed to turn deaf ears to her plea." Hmm, because she knows them not.

"The orcs came forward and caught her by the arms, and the maiden – the same maiden who only in the previous Chapter had slain thirty orcs in two minutes with one hand – began to sob and flail about like a little girl." Congruity? Who needs congruity! "What a dish! My, but I love my job. Helloooo! You up there! This is your Guide speaking!" Great, one of the Otaku guides. "It was a valid and honest criticism, but like many that surround such Stories it was shrugged aside in this astounding fashion" So true. "I ... the ... magic thing?" IT'S...NOT...MAGIC! Well, they kind of have it, but the way Galadriel describes it it's more like natural skill and inherent gifts of the race. "To the last of his strength he had been patient, but this...! It was too much" Taking true love out of it's proper place, inexcusable.

"Suddenly the Story and all its pretensions seemed as harmless as the vanity of a spoiled child." He rises above it, yay! Now flaunt the story and the fanfic powers that be! "The rat had a pocket, you see." Giggle. "Legolas used the necklace to escape." Makes me wonder if the guides are subverting the story, and it's not as inane as we've been led to believe. FLAUNT THE STORY, LEGOLAS! Yeah, that's satsifying.

"But if you don't, not only will she pitch and moan indefinitely but the sun will put off rising too." Man, this 'story' is just relentless. "Understandable!" he replied. "Clearly you want time in solitude to recover from such a fright. I'll just go for a walk and—" Nice try, too bad it didn't work :(. "He opened his arms a little stiffly, hoping to keep some sort of course, Enóreth would have none of that. She flung herself against him and hugged him so tightly that he gasped for breath, and it did not seem that she intended to let go any time soon either. " Poor Legolas! "Each strand of her hair was like a thread of finest silk and therefore had the maddening tendency to cling to his fingers." Chuckle. "She gave him a squeeze and nuzzled against his neck." Gaaaah! "He really did not like the way she was toying with the fastenings of his tunic." Eaugh, back off woman! "If I asked something of you, something very special, would you do it for me?" NO! "The pendant was a shining blue jewel (fifty-six carats, to be exact) shaped into a heart and set in diamonds, hung on a diamond-studded chain and fastened with an ornate clasp." Sounds pointy and uncomfortable. "In the end he tucked it out of sight in the cuff of his boot. ("So that I will not lose or damage it, dear Lady," he explained.)" Slick.

"The idea that he would be too enthralled by Enóreth's beauty to notice a troop of orcs crashing through the underbrush simply could not be endured." I'm offended on you behalf, elf, I really want him to throw off the thrall of the story. "Perhaps this was aided by the orcs being compelled to fling themselves at her one at a time, rather than attacking all at once in sensible fashion." Hollywood style. Great parody but MAN IT'S ANNOYING! "Enóreth was out of the fight; there was no longer need to hold the Elf in check." FINALLY, this the guy who slew upwards of 80 foes in the battle of Helm's Deep. "Legolas was brandishing his knife with savage speed." Going with original Tolkien single knife canon I see.

"After all, if cunning and intelligence were useful in such Stories, surely elvish wisdom and three thousand years of experience were in his favour." Heh heh, use your wisdom of the ages, dude. That poor rabbit! _ Crafty Legolas! "Ai Valar, woman!" he cried, waving his arms in the air. "What are you doing?" Outbursts are satisfying. "As the sky cleared he could see the stars burning brightly, and they comforted him, for these the Story had no power to change or control." I really liked that, the reference to Return of the King where Sam reflects that there's beauty that no shadow can reach.

"This was a puzzle to Legolas, for he knew that there were no forests or cliffs to speak of West of the Misty Mountains." Geographical ineptitude actually upsets more than it probably should, I'm glad you underline it. "At last Enóreth decided that they had contemplated the delicate balance of destiny long enough..." Ha ha. "All aspects of this place, right down to the stones in the path and the clouds in the sky, existed for the express purpose of glorifying Enóreth." Well spoken. "Then suddenly a dragging force besieged his mind, and for a harrowing ten minutes he was almost irresistibly compelled to toss off his clothes and splash in after her. In the end he triumphed and fought the urge away, but it took all the strength of his will and left him dizzy, short of breath, and terrified beyond all imagination." Funny, but yes, also terrifying.

"Stopping to be contemplative on a hilltop was one thing, but stopping to pick flowers was quite another, and he told her so." Yeah, Legolas, lay down the law. "You may call yourself Queen Melian of the Blessed Realm for all I care!" It's really nice and beneficial to the parody that you're Tolkien literate. "The chipmunks and baby rabbits are going to get more cuddles than what's good for them by the time the night is over, but it's a price we're willing to pay." Aw, they're all willing to help him out.

"Your friends have dealt with Stories of their own, and the Ringbearer most of all. He will not think ill of you for doing what you must." Funny, but horrifying. Seeing how people twist Tolkien can really be disgusting. "And if I refuse? What then?" Yeah! Defy the fandom and bring things back to the original story! Gandalf would get mad and go rant . The exchange between Legolas and Aragorn was priceless and really highlights the absurdity of the 'fanfic'. How people are willing to go along with to just get rid of Enoreth even though their all savvy to what's what was great. Mutliple stories at once, Frodo being bummed 'cause he's caught up in one (but one that isn't nearly as bad as Legolas' tale). Good "Hobbit" reference at the end there _.

"He even fancied that a look of pained sympathy ghosted through their eyes when they saw him in Enóreth's company." Poor guys, they know what's going on. At least they have each other. "But goodness, that's quite a pretty dress to be wearing in the mountains." Meaning impractical _.

The clash of the pretentious with the truly deserving, parody in it's finest form. "It is not ... common practice," Thanks for highlighting how much thought Tolkien would put into the names of EVERY character he saw fit to name (and made them sound nice too). He wasn't all impulsive and reckless about it. "...more radiant than Arwen Undómiel herself. (At this point in the narrative Aragorn sneezed violently and had to excuse himself." Hahaha!"Finrond the Purple?" sputtered Gandalf. "What in the name of – !" Heartily echoed, Gandalf, even though I'm laughing too. 'Then by some afterthought he added, "How awful!"' Boromir's awesome. I love the way that their all criticizing her tongue-in-cheek.

"How had it gone from darkness to broad daylight in the space of three seconds?" RPG timeline asserting itself! I love how even though all these incongruous events are happening you still write about it in the original LotR style. That's what really makes it fantastic. "Though this land was by all appearances Middle-earth, it was merely an imitation." There's immense satisfaction in reading a statement like that. "(or some such poetry)." Chuckle, yeah, matchless and generic good looks get on my nerves. "And as he gazed upon her he sighed, for he knew in his heart that the presence of so fair a maiden could only mean that he would be entangled in an irrational tale of romance ere the day was spent." Oh, yeah, love how you write it like he's enjoying it but then flip the sentence around in the latter half. "(in a voice at once sweet, haunting, and slightly ear-splitting)." Again, chuckle.

"...and if Gimli discovered that Legolas was fretting about imagined fears like a child in the dark his mockery would be great indeed." This classically phrased humor just really cracked me up. The bane of writing approaches...

Great idea. I was a bit bored, but I have a REALLY short attention span. But great and creative idea!

TOO FUNNY! Hilarious mate, this is the best parody I've ever read!

Oh...this is good for homicidal tendencies after having to sear my retinas with countless MarySues. Never EVER do a project on fanfiction. I love the little birdie. It's so...chatty...I wonder if it knows that it is a purveyor of much mischief. Poor birdie. Lovely story, do continue writing.

Enoreth is deliciously vile, as all good Sueparodies should be. Skin the color of new milk. Singing her prohpecy/history thingy. Cerulean eyes. Ew. Just, ew. I'd spork her through and through if I weren't laughing so hard. (Comment originally submitted for MEFAward voting, but I also wanted readers here to know how fabulous I thought it was.)

"And as he gazed upon her he sighed, for he knew in his heart that the presence of so fair a maiden could only mean that he would be entangled in an irrational tale of romance ere the day was spent."
~
*sigh* So true. I love your parodies.