|Reviews for I'll be your barricade|
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/22
Your story is so frustrating, i like it very much but then there is details that make me want to pull my hair out. Such as Bane is extremely against murderers and rapist yet the things he done allowing rapists and murderers out of prison contradicts this. All that happened to men women and children during that time was his fault and if i were jane i would be thinking all that blood is on his hands. Also he treats her like A DOG! How could she stand that... other than some small details like these your story is truly very good.
| Wow that is bad chapter 2 . 2/11
This is bad, so incredibly bad. Bane is this creepy pervert and his morals would never allow him to be given a weakness. This is the worst of the Fanfiction's I've read because Bane isn't even himself.
| PumpkinQueen13 chapter 4 . 10/4/2014
A few things I'll point out before going into the review: I liked how Jane finds out about her family worrying about her on the news and the fact that Jane has an uncomfortable feeling around Bane.
[‘He did say I could use everything in this house’ her mind said, while she baked some eggs.]
You can't bake eggs; baking something would require the usage of an oven.
[She searched the cabinets for a glass when she accidentally pulled a rather large one, aiming it right at her. Trying to move away from it, Jane tripped, the glass fell on the ground, broke, and some pieces shattered all over her form on the ground.]
This bit was confusing. If Jane fell to the ground first, how is it that when the glass reached the ground, it shattered into a million pieces? Wouldn’t the glass’ fall simply be wavered by landing on top of Jane or is this particular glass fragile enough that even with Jane being there it shatters regardless?
[“Why didn’t I put on a sweater instead of this flimsy t-shirt,”, she angrily said to herself, seeing the blood on her white shirt. She cautiously stepped away from the mess on the floor, walking back to her bathroom.]
This could be a case of an adrenaline rush, but if someone’s stomach is cut and scratched “badly,” wouldn’t there be a need to get a little panicky? Jane shouldn’t be able to simply step away from being scratched by the glass if it’s that bad. If anything, she should be either hyperventilating, crawling on her knees, or limping to the bathroom.
[He stepped out of the car, walking towards the front door where Barsad and Toby stood talking.]
At least have “Toby” here introduced by Bane when being addressed. Don’t just name random henchmen unless you have Bane address them as such.
[He took the book and placed it on the night desk beside the bed. Then he pulled the blankets up over her form.]
How does Bane not notice Jane’s stomach wounds? Jane’s in her underwear, right? So the whole of her stomach is visibly noticeable as are her wounds. Bane can’t be that tired to not notice such things, can he?
Grammar Tip: I've noticed you using "winched" a lot. The word is "winced."
| PumpkinQueen13 chapter 3 . 7/11/2014
Woo! Chapter 3!
["Good girl, now tell me, are you hungry darling?", he gently asked, placing his hands on the other side of the table, slightly bending over it. Jane felt trapped even with the table between them.]
I am curious how big and long this table is if Bane is able to do that.
["No, you just slept for a couple of hours, it's 16.00 Am."]
The previous chapter mentions sunlight bright enough for Jane to not clearly get a glimpse of Bane when they woke up. By this format 16.00 Am 4:00 AM. At four o'clock in the morning, sunlight isn't visible until well around six o'clock, seven o'clock during Daylight Savings. Avoid using Military Time, it will confuse the readers at what time it is. If you were going by Military Time, you would have it say 16:00 PM which is 4:00 PM which makes more sense.
[Running towards the glass door, she tried the handle. It wouldn't budge.]
The lock for all glass doors are inside the house not outside. Is the lock that complicated to unlock? I thought it was just a flick of the lever and you have an unlocked door. Also, I thought Bane would have his men guarding the doors, sine he doesn't want to risk her escaping.
[So there was no way out, nowhere to run to. She was totally trapped and subjected to his mercy.]
I'm surprised Jane didn't bother to try the other doors or attempt to try the windows.
[For some time they watched TV and ate the pizza till the clock stroke, it was already over 23.00 pm.]
Also known as eleven o'clock at night. They watched TV and ate pizza for 7 hours straight?
[Had Sarah informed them yet?]
She had to have. It's been at least a full day since Jane's disappearance; I would doubt it if Sarah was out for one full day and not returning to their place.
[Even more then murderers, for they could break and scar someone. Sometimes even for the rest of their lives. He would and could never commit anything like that. He had his morals.]
Bane killed military soldiers on a plane, his own henchman, a congressman, broke Bruce Wayne's spine in half when he was fighting him in the sewers, and killed the nuclear physicist when introducing the nuclear bomb that was going to destroy Gotham and kill everyone within the perimeter. The only morals that Bane has is that he was only loyal to the League of Shadows as well as Ra's Al Ghul and Talia. By this implication, he hates himself.
| PumpkinQueen13 chapter 9 . 6/26/2014
Hmmm...it appears that I was wrong about Jane attending a university instead of a college. You can disregard that bit, I apologize for the mix-up. :)
| PumpkinQueen13 chapter 2 . 6/26/2014
All right, second chapter!
So the first thing I want to point out is that you should probably change the title of this chapter to better suit the situation instead of just having it focus on the hypocrisy of Bane near the end.
"When he felt her eyes on him, he turned his look from the road on her, making her directly turn towards the window again."
Considering that Bane is driving the car, he shouldn't change his focus from the road to Jane, I picture the car swerving just a bit when he does that.
"But he hoped to make her see his intentions were differently. Of course he wanted her that way, but not without her enjoying it. Or even wanting it."
Raping an unwilling participant is never enjoyable. It's not considered rape in Bane's mind here, but in Jane's, it is.
"How did he know she was innocent and pure?"
I too wonder about that, Jane. Then again one isn't simply "pure" and "innocent" even when deemed "pure" and "innocent" by someone you don't know.
"He wasn’t only kidnapping her right now;, he was also invading her privacy. For months now."
How exactly does Bane accomplish "invading her privacy?" Did he trick her apartment?
"About how she would deny every boy in college to take her out."
“College” and “university” are two separate things. “College” refers to a “community college” which prepares you to go to the university. It is mentioned in the first chapter that Jane is a “university student” not a “college student.”
"Her long curls and her big brown eyes were undeniably the things that made Bane’s need rise up."
What else describes Jane other than her long curls and big brown eyes? Given that I have yet to move to further chapters, I do not know what Jane looks like or her age (that has yet to be revealed). You don't have to go all-out on her description, but a little bit more description of Jane would be preferable.
"But after some more time, he found she must be some kind of insecure, or scared."
And why would Bane be attracted to an insecure, scared woman? Bane does not like weak women.
[“Understood?”, he asked. Jane could hear the warning in his voice.
“Yes.” Bane smiled.]
I’m curious to know what would happen if Jane were to escape; since Bane didn’t threaten her life or anything, I don’t understand why Jane would be relatively scared.
[“You will stay in here, touch nothing, and wait for me to return. Is that clear?” Jane was about halfway rolling her eyes, when she noticed his staring gaze that froze her to her seat.]
At least you have the second part right about Bane’s character. His gaze will make anyone piss their pants. Jane’s actions towards said terrifying man, not so much.
[It took him less than five minutes to buy food and fill up the tank. Jane was stunned. Was he superman?]
To be honest, it does take a short amount of time to get food and fill up a car’s gas tank given the amount of food he’s getting and if he’s filling up the tank to Full, there's no possible way that Bane could have sped up the process of filling the car's tank.
[Still he knew he had to be a little intimidating if he wanted her to comply, but it wasn’t his intention to scare her away.]
In TDKR, that was your only intention; to instill fear into the Gothamites.
[She had never been with a guy before , not even an innocent nap on the couch.]
What happened to your friends, John and Frank? Has Jane already forgot about them? Or is this in the sense that Jane hasn't been in a bed with a man before?
[Wasn’t Bane punishing all the rich people for being rich?]
He did that as a terror tactic against the people of Gotham apart from the nuclear bomb. It should be mentioned that Bane made his home in the sewers and similar places, not places where he would appear hypocritical to an audience. Not once in TDKR is he even shown in a luxurious house; he likes to be in the dark.
[But, temporary forgetting his seize, he opened the door with much ease and Jane let the handle go, taking a step backwards.]
Bane is an unforgettable man; he’s huge, and he has a mask covering most of his face, one doesn’t simply forget about Bane’s size in the course of a couple of hours.
[“Are you referring to the rebellion I unchained, angel? Because then you’ve gotten my message all wrong. I hate people with power using it against them who have nothing. People struggling to pay rent. Or people rotting in jail who haven’t committed a single crime in their lives. Gotham needed to be cleaned. Still I like a little luxury for myself. I think I have earned it”,]
By Bane’s logic in [I hate people with power using it against them who have nothing.], he hates the League of Shadows. The League of Shadows did the same thing, yet Bane doesn’t complain about being ex-communicated from said league.
I would like to direct you to this YouTube video of Bane's speech in front of Blackgate Prison [ watch?vtzK97Aaj_U8] (you'll have to Copy/Paste the link). The criminals in Blackgate Prison were in prison for 8 years without parole under the Dent Act; as you can see, those criminals done crimes, the faces of the criminals were not people who were seemingly innocent. As for people struggling to pay rent, Bane could care less. All Bane was doing was starting a revolution for the sake of revenge, nothing more. You’re talking about a man who has held an entire city hostage with a nuke; if he wanted to genuinely help Gotham, he wouldn’t have been a terrorist, nor the villain for that matter.
Again with the Grammar aspect, the commas go inside the quotations not outside, like before it makes it sloppy and out of place.
| PumpkinQueen13 chapter 1 . 6/21/2014
As I said in your current Bane/OC fanfic, I do genuinely like reading a TDKR fanfic that has Bane in a different light, however, Bane can only be "gentle" to a point in which if portrayed too much, he will appear OOC.
Differing from your other fanfic, I'm going to go chapter by chapter and review it instead of overall.
"Sarah spoke, hitting her glass against Jane’s. In one gulp she emptied her glass. Jane smiled and followed, emptying her own glass. John and Frank were pooling, leaving Sarah and Jane at the table. Talking time."
Who are Sarah, John, and Frank? I’m assuming they are Jane's friends, but their introduction is a bit off. Try introducing them in the first paragraph when it mentions Jane and her friends going to the bar. You can also describe their relationship and their lives attending the university.
Bane's introduction in this is better than your newer fanfic; his appearance is subtle and while we readers know that it's him, Jane doesn't. Apply the subtlety to your other fanfic if you can.
Again, why does Bane want Jane? Jane is a university student, ranging in the ages of 17 and up (Because I, myself, started attending my university at 17, hence my assumption). Bane, theoretically speaking, could be in his late 30s, to his early 40s, or even older. Unless Jane is studying thermodynamics or something of the sort that will help Bane rise again, she won’t be much use to him. Being used for sex is not useful despite Bane being a “needy” man as you made him seem.
"But when she turned to look who she had bumped into, she had swallowed her excuse, and was gladly pulled away from him by her friends."
Given that this takes place during Bane's rising, you have to have the other characters react. What about the people around them? Was there no other people besides Jane and her friends who had seen Bane when he was threatening the city? And besides, if Jane’s friends were with her, why didn’t they react to such a big and horrific terrorist who would so much as break their whole bodies in an instant?
"“Wha—what are you doing here?”, Sshe softly spoke. Still walking backwards into the kitchen. She hoped to grab a knife, without him seeing her."
“Softly spoke” is not the action I would use when seeing a known terrorist that was supposed to be dead. I could understand if she was trying to put on a fearless facade, but considering that this man is a particular person that has threatened Gotham at some point, would be plausible enough for Jane to be relatively scared out of her mind. And having Bane tell Jane “Don’t be afraid of me,” or statements like that will only make Bane more OOC.
Like I mentioned before in “Mine to Keep,” in-character Bane would not have used pet names as he has never used them in TDKR. Even if he did, the only exception would be Talia al Ghul considering their platonic relationship. Your usage of Bane giving Jane pet names in practically every other dialogue that he has with her is too excessive.
"It amused him she couldn’t even look at him."
Jane is looking at Bane’s mask, so she is looking at him despite not making any eye-contact.
When you use the term “girl” for Jane, it makes it appear that she is a young girl, instead of a woman. Considering that she is still in a university, it can be assumed that she is a young woman, which her age isn’t even brought about. Since you’ve had her in a pub earlier in this chapter, one could assume that she is passed the age of 21. Her age is very unclear.
Why didn't Jane ever bother to lock her bedroom door when she was changing, Bane didn't tell her not to lock her door; having Jane not lock her door in this notion will make it appear that she wants him to enter.
The only person that Bane cared about protecting was Talia, other than that, he has no desire to protect anyone else. Bane had a reason to protect Talia while risking his very life; Bane doesn't just go stalking innocent women with the sudden desire to protect them from everyone and everything.
"He thought she was the most precious thing he had ever laid eyes on. Beautifully shaped. Lovely curves in all the right places. He never had seen a young woman more appealing to him, and he needed her."
Talia would have continued to be this if this wasn’t after TDKR. Talia as a child was the most precious thing Bane has laid eyes on, hence the sole reason for him to protect her.
"“You have 2 options. One, you will stop struggling and go with me willingly. Two I will have to sedate you. Believe me, waking from sedation isn’t the best feeling you can have”,"
In-character Bane would have given her 3 options, the third choice being killing her or killing her friends, her parents, and everyone she knew. I'm solely surprised that he didn't threaten her or her friends for not complying.
Jane asks herself how she could escape him. Bane's a man, Jane could kick him in the groin. Bane's only weakness is on his face (his mask), Jane could punch him right in the mask near the mouth area and he would be in incredible amounts of pain.
Jane's health would not have wavered Bane from what he was doing. Bane didn't care when most of Gotham witnessed him crushing the neck of the nuclear physicist he held hostage for most of the movie before the doctor's death.
The timing is very unclear because you have Jane ask herself how is it that no one is seeing or hearing what's going on. I find that very peculiar as well. However, it only depends what time it is in which it is never explained; is it in the middle of the night that this occurs or earlier?
Bane didn’t even think about tying Jane up or anything? So at this point, Jane is just scared out of her mind to the point in which she cannot cry for help or get the heck outta dodge.
Because stalking an innocent University student would make you feeling something of a deep need, Bane? Bane isn't one to stalk people, making him stalk your character for your own sake is making him OOC for your OC's sake.
I'm going to touch up on a little bit of the grammar here; you "ride" a bike, not "drive." And when using punctuation in quotations, you do not need to use commas when there is already punctuation placed in the quotations. It only makes the format very sloppy and I highly recommend that you redo this fanfic in regards to the grammar as well as the plot.
| Guest chapter 7 . 4/13/2014
| MsPaigeMarie chapter 16 . 12/11/2013
I expected more of a fight from Jane :-/ Slightly disappointed in that regard but I like the sensitive, caring Bane you've captured here. It's interesting to see a badass side of him, but also a thoughtful and considerate nature about him.
| Lynnzee chapter 23 . 12/10/2013
Totally! I am totally waiting for a sequel! Looooooved I'll be your barricade and read it the whole time you were writing it! I remember looking forward to the next chapter, wishing it was a real book so I could just keep reading and keep reading! And I LOVE how you portrayed Bane! Perfect! I just loved all of it and can't wait to see where you go with the squeal! :)
| Britta chapter 23 . 12/8/2013
I am so happy you're planning a sequel for this story! I love this story so much - it's one of my absolute favorites! I can't wait to read Steady As a Rock; I'm sure it will be just as amazing!
| XxxxxIceQueenxxxxX chapter 23 . 12/8/2013
| Adeleine95 chapter 23 . 12/8/2013
| AnnaBanana314 chapter 23 . 12/8/2013
WOOHOO! Woman,you just made my weekend! I cannot wait. I've read this story about a billion times. It's one of my favorites!
| Nightsong1771 chapter 22 . 9/14/2013
I love this story and i belive it was good, but I'm have to ask you one thing where was batman when all of this was happening?