|Reviews for A Stop and Start|
| Sibyl chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
I really like the idea you have for this story with Desmond meeting his ancestors. Definitely a change from the typical story of Desmond and his ancestors meeting in the Animus matrix or through some time traveling shenanigans. Much more somber, indeed, considering his death.
That's what I liked the most out of this; you tackled Desmond's death, the idea of death he may have had, and what happens. Your idea is neither heaven nor hell, which plays well into your idea of what Desmond may have considered (that is, believing in neither).
Your descriptions for Altair, Ezio, and Connor are strong and concise, and encapsulate a major thing about each character, which I enjoyed very much.
The one thing that I think is a flaw is that some parts are confusing. For example, after your paragraph describing Altair, there is some description of "two ghosts" already being there, and then you start your paragraph on Ezio. It's confusing because I had thought only Altair was making himself visible to Desmond during that paragraph. I understand what you're going for (having one appear as the other begins to take shape), but I think focusing on one without mentioning the other until he forms would make things more clear. One thing that leads into this confusion is also your choice of words; for example, if you take the line "Then the first one formed and he stared at them." and changed "them" to "it" (or him, unless you want to be ambiguous) it would make more sense when you go into the next paragraph.
Another point of confusion is Connor's line "You are" after Desmond said he thought people died alone. What does Connor mean? What is he answering? He's definitely not answering Desmond's question. The line after Connor's, "You're here", who is saying that?
Some tiny things like describing Desmond as on the ground would help too. I didn't know he was on the ground until Altair pulled him up. I had assumed he was standing.
Overall, a nice oneshot idea that plays on the idea of life, death, and the rebirth cycle. I enjoyed it. Good job!
| DanAlaya chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
Um, confused. But well written. Can't say I understood exactly what was going on. Especially Altairs cryptic words, or the baby. But it was an engaging story.
| Alone in the blight chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
a new idea worthy to be praised :)