|Reviews for Dying|
| sidesee chapter 1 . 4/16/2014
The story is good but I don't like the idea that Al fucked Ed ...
If I were Roy,I wouldn't think it's 's very very disgusting.
| 0-mirage-0 chapter 1 . 11/10/2013
Alice, there is so much true talent inside this story. Before I unload the wealth of my review, and oh my gosh I apologize for the length. You know how we rant. : ) You know it. I just want to say – thank you for the read. For taking the time to write this, and for exercising talent for no other reason than our entertainment. I enjoyed reading this story. You’re a good writer, no doubt. Should you keep writing, absolutely, no doubt.
Now into everything else. Thoughts I wish more people were courageous enough to give me, and advise I wish I was smart enough to listen to, back in the day. (oh heavens, I won’t confess to that now, lol).
Aside from the comment at the beginning, and you mentioning you wanted to reedit this piece, I mean this in the kindest way one can unintentionally carp while attempting to compliment when I say that, you can feel something of a forced nature in some of this story. There is talent here, don’t get me wrong, but some of your story seems to jump into vivid flowing scenes, your dialogue is incredibly strong, and the depiction of basic action comfortable, but there is something else in there…between the lines…or perhaps only afflicting some of them, that isn’t quite right. It’s as if I am looking at your story through a dirty window, what you wanted to get out, wasn’t truly released, not the way you wanted it.
I hope I am not way out in left field, and I don’t want any of my comments misinterpreted to mean this story is poor, because it’s not. It’s good, and it has a frustration inside it that means it should be great. Something is holding you back here.
Let me specify that I was probably only to Roy and Ed kissing when I wrote the above. Then I stared at my screen, reading along, until I just blurted out, “What?” when Alphonse walked in. That was so unexpected! But I think, and I could be wrong, that this part might need some fleshing out so as to keep with your realism. Your Roy/Ed interaction was tight the entire way. Carry that strength into the arrival of Alphonse, and let this all run smoother. People don’t do things like this in life with a simple shrug of their shoulders.
Okay, but let me go back to your dialogue – I think this is the strength of your talent. How pigheaded would I sound if I say you totally remind me of myself? I’ve always been told I have strong dialogue, and that’s been a sore for me in the past when I feel like the contrast between my dialogue and what’s around it are miles apart. I don’t think that’s true for you here, but what I will share is that the strength to the surrounding work around my dialogue has become an evolution of truly understanding what my characters are saying, rather than just listening to them. Even if Roy is not speaking aloud, he’s thinking, and you’re listening, get it down, he’s got true thoughts in there. And he sure as hell does when he catches sight of Alphonse, lol. Let’s hear him, honest, and true.
I also want to suggest what I comically refer to as Anti-Stephen-King. Have you read this man? While some of his work is good (seems to be the older stuff), other bits of his work (and I have by no means read a lot of King. Maybe enough books to count off on one hand, so who knows if I am even qualified to make these comments), but other bits of his work feel like they come with self-help instructions written in like easter eggs. If your reader can’t figure out what is going on, what is happening, and why, don’t fill the need struggling to tell them every little thing, let the idiot wander out of your story and back to their My Little Ponies. Space-consuming explanation word count detracts from your real story, so always remember, is what you wrote what you wanted to say, what your character wanted to say, and is it important to what’s happening? Don’t worry about the idiots reading. Again, if they can’t follow along, let them go. Cluttering up your work for the few nitwits out there degrades everything, and the smart readers will feel it. That’s why I call it Anti-Stephen-King. He writes for the masses, because he always explains everything to them. They don’t need to figure anything out, just move their eyeballs. I feel this will be the death of us. Thinking while you read, is why we read.
On that note, I have to give tribute to two beautiful lines in this piece. Really, really good.
1. “Ed huffed in exasperation and nodded frantically, clearly aware.” [It’s placement made it perfectly visible and precisely perfect.]
2.“So much…Too much…” he panted into Roy’s mouth, who was doing the same, and then he added in a whisper, “I’m dying.” [Lovely]
So what kind of review did I really just give? One from an admirer. _ I thought a lot about how restrained I should be when responding. Stories are personal, and anything that feels remotely like criticism or misinterpretation is hard, but to most of the people who send me messages like this, I learn something. (Even though some are people with their own heads up their own butts, and we shouldn't listen to them). So I wanted you to hear what really happened inside my head, directly during and after reading your story.
I enjoyed your dialogue.
I was thrown with that bit with Roy and Al.
I loved those two lines.
This was a good story.
Satisfied, mirage out.
| AndreaMustang chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
I know what you mean by not being satisfied with your writing the first time around. It's rough. But I think this is a good story and very entertaining. I think for how strange of a situation it is that you made it about as believable as it can get. Good work!
| xxSnowxxAngelxx chapter 1 . 7/7/2013
o.o *passes out from nosebleed-induced bloodloss* SO HOT! XD and... Ed x Al x Roy sounds... . *passes out again from nosebleed*
Or just Al x Ed sounds pretty hot too... and i'm not usually in to incest... ((I admit i'll read a good/believable ItaSasu or MinaNaru but thats it really)) But it is an interesting (and hot) idea/image... And Alphonse watching Edward and Roy... XD
| DeathPrincess96 chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
Why can I actually imagine the Elric brothers actually getting it on O.o I'm worried now, but this was very good story and a lot of it imagine this happening haha loved it :3
| DrummerDancer chapter 1 . 6/12/2013
This was great! Loved it!
| The Wonderful Marshmallow chapter 1 . 4/15/2013
reviewing the shit out oooof...brilliant!
| konfessor2u chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
I agree with joruni...what can I do to convince you to write a sequel with an Ed/Al/Roy threesome?! Pretty please!
| fullmetal.freak67 chapter 1 . 4/5/2013
Oh my gosh! that... well, to put it as you said it even, i had to stop and breath for a few moments too cause it was too hot. The Alphonse part actually did make it hotter though, knowing that he was watching! out of curiosity, did you write that Ed and Al encounter? or if you haven't could you? I loved it to pieces though, so please keep up the good work! it was HAAAAWWT!
| Nessie-san chapter 1 . 4/4/2013
Very well done. The grammar was impeccable, and the smut! Oh, the smut was simply divine XD Wonderful job, Alice-san -
| heart-pirate-trafalguy-law chapter 1 . 3/23/2013
XD I love how Alphonse was standing there the whole time. "Plus the first time for both of us was with each other" its like, wow Edward, that's just something you don't tell your lover. Embrace the gayness! :D Awesome story
| Rei Kiri chapter 1 . 3/23/2013
I'm sorry, but while I did like your other stories this one did not make any sense. Most of the time I was like, "what on earth?.." and Alphonse's presence was alarming; even if he and Edward were having sex before, it should still be awkward to watch your older brother - and ex lover, apparently - having sex with someone else. Even if Ed didn't mind, Roy should. Also, in the end, when Ed confessed having sex with his younger brother, Roy shouldn't be so accepting of it, unless there's a damn good explanation why he doesn't mind incest, as it's considered a taboo in nearly all cultures.
You also mentioned many times how close they were to orgasm, which also doesn't make any sense. "Roy knew Edward was going to cum without him if he didn't do something soon" - and then it takes them god knows how long, and Ed holds on until after he's penetrated and even then he's still not horny enough so he'd decided they should change the position instead of dealing with it for a minute longer. It's the same about Roy, it's mentioned many times that he's almost there but that goes on for pretty much the entire story.
Writing sex scenes is difficult - you have to know how things work and where everything goes and the feelings and understand that sex is messy and awkward and there's so much more to it than just an organ penetrating some hole. I think if you'd read enough good yaoi you could write something that works, and if you edit this one then it could be alright... but right now, in this state, it made me go "what the fuck?" more times than not.
I'm sorry but I'm not trying to be harsh... I just want you to see the flaws so you can fix it and make it an amazing story. The general idea IS interesting, but it should be a much longer fic that'd show the conflict of knowing your lover had an incestuous relationship with his brother and yet being turned on by it.
| demonicfate616 chapter 1 . 3/12/2013
HOLY FREAKIN SHIZNET!
That was hot! \\\
thanks for the mind candy ;)
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/8/2013
That. That was. Jesus. XDDDDD my god. xD
| joruni chapter 1 . 3/8/2013
Wow! That was really hot.
Although I was never a too big fan of Elricest, there is something really powerful in the mental image of those two, while Al is sitting by the door simply watching!
Is that a sequel, in which they have a threesome, that I can see in the distance of your mind? *gently nudges you with an elbow* I'm sure that all three participants would be more than happy.
It was really good for a first juicy scene. :)