|Reviews for SONG OF THE FOURTEENTH|
| I've got Rhythm in my Soul chapter 21 . 10/2/2014
Oh honey... your story is better than you think it is. But I feel really bad now for not saying something that I've noticed with recent chappies. Kira's first steps into the hilarious order were quite pleasing in all honesty: her first view being of pandemonium. Classic D-Gray Man. But after that the only thing I can really mention is that it felt as though you may have been forcing yourself at times. Pacing is all about the author not the reviewer so if the pace suits you then screw the reader. Don't become what everyone else wants you to be.
So yeah, it felt a little forced; as though you were trying to hard. One thing I've noticed with myself is that since you made Kira's character a little socially terrified it may be difficult for you keep up with it for a long period of time. Writing a character like that early on can be a huge drawn on your noggin'. It's part of her character and that's okay but if you yourself are quite sociable and you a lot of yourself into your writing it can get depressing. I actually like Kira's character defects but maybe if you make her acclimate in a different way to what your doing it might help you focus your energy more effectively. Subconciously you might be seeing the long haul with her character and you start to loose your flow/focus. then your writing starts to sound different to what you want. It could be anything. I love everything leading up to the last two chapters and my only comment is my worry on your emotional pipes: they may need a huge cleaning after each chapter. Don't be too critical on previous work: it's all practice. It might help you give yourself an imaginary goaline for each chapter.
| MCRDanime chapter 21 . 10/1/2014
In my opinion your intro should be like before Allen even knew that he has the fourteenth in him. Like before he even went into searching for cross with the others. That way kira has more impact on how things go in Allen's life at the exorcist headquarters. But if you want it to be more about kira then you should start on the middle of the manga or anime when they were searching for cross. That just my opinion because the manga is not over yet and I feel like you need to know more about the Noah and fourteenth for you to continue your story the way you want it to go. Well I hope you can continue your story and correct whatever it is you want to correct in it.
| Sock my Rock chapter 21 . 10/1/2014
Cough it's Sock My Rock Cough... Man I must be getting sick :)I'm glad I'm not the only that noticed the slowed down pace. To answer one of your question I think the length of each chapter is fine. It's a nice length as it's not too long but not too short either.
I'll start off with the things that I've think you've done well with this fic. Basically the foundation you've set up for Kira in my opinion is the best thing this fic has going for it. You took your time to craft Kira's character in a way that didn't Mary Sue the story but still kept her in the spot light. Coming from one that became sick of OC stories because the over-saturation of them, especially in certain fandoms, I was pleasantly surprised with your story. Even gave me hope for the OC stories on this site.
Aside from that I really enjoy your writing style, as it flows well and it keeps my attention. Not counting the whole explanation of Kira's Innocence, cause I did get confused there. Finally I personally feel as if you can make an amazing story out of this! From what I've read so far I can defiantly see that you have great ideas you want to implement for both the story and characters. Those are the things that keep bringing me back to this story, and I honestly want to see this story use that potential it has to become something amazing!
Now on to the things that have annoyed me with this story, especially with the last couple of chapters. Pacing is the biggest issue I have with this story, I know big surprise right? I've said before that from the beginning that you set up a slower pace, which isn't wrong at all, but this arc has made me think that not much has actually happened in the story thus far. I don't know about the rest of the audience, but I still don't have an actual grasp at what this story is going to be about. I mean aside from Kira, Allen, and the Fourteenth. You've gone through 20 chapters, and Kira's just barely joining the Black Order. I know that sounds contradictory to my previous statement that I like how've you set your foundation, but I do feel as if you could of done the same amount of work with less chapters.
The second thing that bugs me a bit is Kira's character. She is well set up and I have a great grasp as to what kind of person she is, but after 20 chapters she still feels exactly the same to me. I do come into every new chapter hoping that Kira will acquire some good character development but in a sense she hinders herself. Granted she did decide to join the Black Order, but with that step she took she almost instantly took two back when she actually arrived. I get that Kira is afraid of people because of marks on her skin, after all that is a part of character. But I always think that if a character can't develop on their own use other characters to help nurture that growth. I don't expect Kira to just suddenly stop being afraid of all the people at the Black Order and start killing bad guys, but I want to see Kira come out of her shell more. Frankly I've felt that with her interaction with Allen, and Lavi she should have come out just a bit more.
That's all I can think of at the moment, but I can bet money that's all I have to say about your story thus far. Though I do have a question that's been nagging at me. Have you a general idea of how this story is going to end? I know that might be venturing into spoiler territory but I don't mind spoilers one bit. Anyway once again I wish you the best of luck with this story! I want to see it do well, and I'm excited to read more of it. And hey if you ever need some help, I'm always open if you need it. Okay finally done with my wall of text!
| I've got Rhythm in my Soul chapter 20 . 10/1/2014
Your opening quote by Gilder Radner was perfect for this chapter. And it was nice to see the whole team of exorcists eating in the cafeteria. Even Marie spoke! I kind of expected Lavi to go into Bookeeper mode and to be honest, I feel sorry for the guy. Allen isn’t the only lonely boy caught between their respective purposes. And all this time they’ve been considering innocence as a weapon, a gift true, but a weapon nonetheless. What if each piece of innocence is singular, with its own soul? Or is Chikita just special?
So Kira’s reaction to her innocence was much more involved than your previous attempt huh? I’m kind of happy for it. I mena not everyone would be sitting there, wearing a ridiculous smile on their face going ‘Innocence has intruded within me: awesome’. I was a temple. Now I’m an amusement park. And it’s going to be a life of hardship ahead of her where the majority of exorcists die young. Geez, what a welcome.
May I just say how you rejuvenated my love for Komui in this episode? I forgot that underneath the ‘moron’ tattooed across his forehead he really is smart and cares a great deal about the exorcists because somebody had to right? Maybe Kira’s ordeal reminded him of Lenalee’s? He was very responsive to her in this chappie. Nice little bit at the ending there about dark/light motif. I really wanted to add much more for this review but I always seem to be in a bit of a rush. I’ll make up for it next time you update.
P.S. Erm…. So wheeeeeeeeen does Kira meet Timcampy? I completely forgot about the guy. But love him I do.
| Sock my Rock chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
Keep throwing those curve balls; I'm ready for anything you have in store!:D
In regards to the chapter, not much to say other than it was good. Yet one thing that I have started to notice is how you're taking your time with Kira's induction to the Black Order. In my eyes it's both a good and a bad thing the way you're approaching the situation. On one hand I like the attention that Kira's character is receiving when it comes to her decision to join the Black order. It's going to be next to impossible for her to function at the order without Chikita, and to a certain extent without a person she is familiar with. Meaning her relationships with other exorcist is going to be something you pay more attention to. And I really look forward to reading how you approach their relationship with Kira.
It may just be me, but I found the last couple of chapters a bit stagnant. Not saying I didn't enjoy them, but the pace has really slowed down in my opinion. Granted throughout the story you've set a pace that isn't fast by any means, but it wasn't too slow either. These past few chapter have felt really slow to me, and frankly I'm kind of hoping something big happens. Sure you've weaved exposition gradually throughout these past chapters which is great, but I'm hoping for something big to happen to move the plot along. Like I said though that might just me being crazy.
If you want I could give you some tips and tricks I've picked up from writing ships, if you need some help getting the ship sailing. Of course that's up to you if you want it or not. That's it for me. Sorry if that was a long winded but I just wanted to voice that out. Best of luck in the coming chapters and I hope to read more soon!
| greatgirl22302 chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
I forgot to review last chapter. Oops. I'm Sora22302 on Deviantart, the one that suggested putting your story up in parts and in one big document (though that didn't work out either, huh? XD).
| AmericanNidiot chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
Chikita would be the poker playing cat god… lmao.
Ahh, gotta love confusing readers and force them to think, it's lovely…
Bookman rules are too strict imo, mainly when they're still human. Humans are naturally bias, and cannot simply train themselves to not feel anything (though they don't fully understand feelings, cos humans are weird), so I find the Bookman "laws" to be a bit hypocritical mainly when they are Exorcists.
| Rainbowrunner01 chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
OK, where to start...ah the prophecy.
"...your innocence...will bring peace to the One Who Cannot Return..." what an eerie prediction. I believe the One Who Cannot Return refers to Allen in someway or another, considering he goes on the run from both the order and the Noah, it could be referencing the fact that he cannot return to the order, as for Kira's involvement...I'm totally clueless.
Something I've been wondering for a while now, what is your view on the Noah?
I'm not very fond of fics where they are ridiculously evil for no apparent reason, you don't seem like one of those authors as you are quite in-depth about things and you always (most times) give a reason behind things.
This is D. 'Grey'-man after all, there is no black and white, only many shades of 'grey'.
| AmyNChan chapter 20 . 9/26/2014
This is why Komoui reminds me of my own older brother. Joking a lot, dotes a bit, but wen things get serious he knows how to handle them and make people smile again. I think you've really done Komoui justice here.
Ad lol, after I posted that review, I remembered you saying something like that. Mah bad! XD
| YullenStarDust chapter 1 . 9/21/2014
ASDGHJKL I'm loving SOTF to so far! I love the blooper when Lavi says, "HI BAN, MOTHERFUCKAAHHS!" That was hilarious XD
And I'm starting to like Kira in this, and how she first meets Allen and Lavi.
Anyways, I'm going to be reading more of this! Keep up the amazing writing!
Oh, and if you're wondering, this is Mani-Hime from deviantART, just with a different name.
| Buruburuburu chapter 19 . 9/19/2014
I'm really interested in that prophecy Hevlaska was thinking. I'd probably think it's related to the main plot, and it has something to do with the title. With that, I think that it's related to Allen in some way? Can't really think up much because it's pretty early in the morning.
As an old reader (that completely forgot the old plot because I'm just like that) I really couldn't wait for the revelation that Kira has her innocence. Can't get a good grasp on its old name though.
Sorry if this is kind of sadist of me, but I really like the way you potray pain in both a subjective (the feeling of the receiver) and objective (how the pain effects the receiver) way. It makes you get in the story in larger scale, especially because DGM is full of fighting that makes you lose yourself in the panels. Which was another thing I forgot to mention in my previous anonymous reviews, you're really good at adapting to DGM's atsmosphere (though right now it's in the eyes of a new recruit).
I really look forward on how everyone would react to the fact Kira has an innocence. And guessing from the narration we've been getting, I can tell Chikita isn't as much of a newcomer as Kira is. Somehow I can see that cat having some sort of unique relationship with Kanda.
Well, that's all from me now. My mind's too tired to find flaws yet. But I'll be sure to tell you if it bothers my mind. Thanks for updating! Please take care!
| Guest chapter 19 . 9/18/2014
I want moar! This is one of the best fics on this entire website. Keep writing! You're awesome
| I've got Rhythm in my Soul chapter 19 . 9/18/2014
Oh fab, you updated at speed! Yay (happy happy joy)! So... It's nice hearing from grumpy puss again, and by puss I mean grampa not the Chikita. Another plus is that you're giving us a bit more info than last time and yet you're also clouding it in so much mystery it's too dense a fog to travel through. Awesomeness. Layers of mystery rock.
The description of Kira traveling down the chasm to meet our old buddy Hev was nicely done. Most people just can't be arsed with it but you gave it an atmosphere. You made it a little creepy and let's be honest, it really is. Like an announcement that one an apostle your life is no longer yours: it belongs to something much greater. Put up with it. Her reaction was funny-bunny though: 'oh lord what did I ever do to you?' I can imagine her standing there, knees knocking together with a look of sheer 'please don't eat me I'm innocent' (no pun intended) screaming across her face. Ahhhh... drama.
It was telling how Hev made the distinction between cat, pet, innocence and friend.
Ohhhhhhhh- coolio scene! I know she doesn't really have two innocence's but that's kind of how it feels and it's awesome. And trust me, no Mary Sue in sight. Mary Sue's are Mary Sue's for the sake of being a Mary Sue. You're character has a place and an intention. Ergo, NOT A MARY SUE. Just in case someone decides to open their big fat gobs.
Interesting to read Hev pov and how she knew Chikita from a previous apostle, obviously. Curious too that though Kira was already chosen, Chikita went ahead and chose her anyway! Because why not, huh? It fits in with Chikita's 'what I want I get personality'. I know the scene was a serious one but the image of Chikita sitting there and thinking 'your point?', 'problemo?', 'and you'll do what about it, pray tell'? made me giggle. And erm... was she and Kira's innocence having a little pissing contest inside of Kira? An oath to keep? God that's going to keep me wondering FOREVER. You're so good at suspense! I think the fact that her innocence is her so called skin disease is quite beautiful in its poetry/irony.
...bring peace to the one who cannot return?
You... big... fat... RIDDLER! Awesome yet mind boggling. It's different to the older version too, something about Kira finishing the song? Oh, I wonder if that's still in effect or if you've changed it? It's making me wonder, there aren't many who can fit the role of the one who cannot return. And does it have anything to do with Allen? Because that's always fun. I like the idea of them being tied in some way, no matter how large or small. Regardless, this was a brillo-pads chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next.
P.S the chikita and kira relationship reminds me, oddly enough, of the Hiccup and Toothless relationship in how to train your dragon. Why? Because I'm a fairy that rarely sees things the way she should. Just thought I'd put that out there.
| AmericanNidiot chapter 19 . 9/17/2014
Awe, I was hoping she'd bully both Kanda and Lavi for Allen's sake, seeing as those two share a nice little bond (watch Allen teach Chikita how to play poker, so it's him vs. Tim vs. Chikita XD).
This chapter is full of confusion, which seems intentional seeing as most things in DGM are confusing.
| Sock my Rock chapter 19 . 9/17/2014
Nah I don't think that you are taking their relationship slow, on the contrary I find the way you're approaching their relationship more believable. Besides in my opinion it beats most fanfics that jump head first in ships without stopping to think about how actually relationships work. The way you've made and structured your story I personally feel the story would suffer from a rushed romance.
There also isn't anything wrong without being familiar with ship writing. Everyone has different things they are comfortable writing. After all I've only ever really written for ships now that I honestly think about. Anyway my point is that I feel as if you shouldn't be rushed or pressured into writing their ship. Just write the story and let their relationship happen naturally and the fluff will soon follow ;)
Nice chapter by the way, getting to see how Kira reacted to Hev and the Grand Generals was a nice tip off showing how much she still has to grow. To the thing that Hev said at the end of the chapter I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with the Fourteenth, after all the title of your story is Song of the Fourteenth. Of course I could be wrong though, you might have a curve ball ready and waiting. Best of luck with the next chapter, and I hope to read it soon!