|Reviews for SONG OF THE FOURTEENTH|
| averyenture chapter 11 . 11/8/2014
Ohhh my goshhh I am loving this story so far, and I still have ten chapters to go! To be honest, I've only watched a little of Man, but for some reason I really like reading OC fanfictions on series I'm not overly familiar with, it makes it more interesting. I'm loving Kira so far, she's a great character, realistic, and really adorable - it's hard to believe she's only fourteen, that's so young! Considering her age, she's handling the situation incredibly well. You go, Kira. I am totally on-board with her romance with Allen, and I eagerly await to see fluff in the future, even if it might take a while for their relationship to grow. Your writing is very, very good, funny, and your battle scenes are oh my god so awesome. I can't wait to read more, as well as leave more reviews in future chapters.
| MVD chapter 21 . 11/1/2014
All right. First up, I think you did a very fine job keeping all of the DGM characters true to themselves (sometimes I even feel that the scenes you write can be placed right into the manga!). I also appreciate Kira's character, and you do a good job of allowing the reader to listen in on her thoughts. The footnotes, that you so graciously include, are appreciated (since it's nice to know where you're pulling stuff from), but please don't stress too much about them- they aren't the main focus, the chapters are (the lenght for them is just fine, by the way)!
Overall I really enjoy your fanfic, but there are just a few suggestions I have regarding some small things.
When you refer to the characters you seem to use call them things that don't really pertain to their current situation (eg. "The Destroyer of Time" or "the redhead"), which is a great way to vary your word choice and bring attention to the character's qualities, but it can distract the reader from the story. Like, if Lavi is in a conversation there isn't a real need to refer to him as "the redhead"(it's ok just to sat he, she, or them), but if they were trying to find him in a crowd
then it would be appropriate. The word "said" can also be used more often. That sounds strange since it is a common word, but that's why it's great. It is effective and unobtrusive, unlike the words "declare" or "exclaimed", that can outshine the actual story.
So, that's my two cents worth of suggestions... But you're the author do what feels right to you! Keep up the good work!
| TOtalBLondeCHick010 chapter 21 . 10/29/2014
I really love the story so far! I can't wait til you post more chapters! The little footnotes are great too. Especially since I'm new to the DGM world/story/characters and it really helps me follow the story better.
| Sabre163 chapter 21 . 10/23/2014
I am SO SO sorry for not reviewing these last couple weeks (or months?)! I'm a high school student, and so I was just beginning school when I think I saw the notifications for your added chapters. But since I had some free time I came back to read the chapters I missed (I think about ten *smiles sheepishly*), and I absolutely am enamored with this fanfiction. I am eagerly awaiting more.
I am not a very good critic, as in, as long as I can enjoy the story I usually do not have anything bad to say. Since this happens to be the case with yours, the only thing I can do is express how wonderful it is and how much I enjoy and wish I had a talent such as yours. You are an amazing author, and I can respect how much effort, time, thought, and so on you put into this story. I really love the character interactions and Kira and Chikita's own story. So, in conclusion: I think you are doing great. The only thing I can say is that perhaps the last few chapters have been a bit stagnant, but I hardly notice it if it is there due to being so distracted by the fun involved.
I know you will continue so I simply offer an encouraging response and shall wait, anticipating your return. Take your time to figure things out, and thank you for even caring in the first place. You are a very considerate and respectable author. That is all :)
| knightlychika chapter 18 . 10/17/2014
/screeching and laughing and clutching my sides I don't even know
I saw that you said this chap would be more silly but holy cats, this is just ;askjfd;. Definitely needed it :'D /finally working on Til It All Falls Down woohoo but it's a bit heavier than this so a little "AH CHIKITA NO" is perfect relief
I'll try to catch up soon because I sooo love your writings and don't get a chance to read often enough ;;;;
| Guest chapter 21 . 10/6/2014
I find it confusing with Chikita.I don't want Chikita to be left over but I don't understand if KIra can have her or why can chikita act like she isn't an because she is really smart
| Fuyu Tsukuyane chapter 21 . 10/3/2014
1. I like how you seem to put all canon characters in their character, they don't feel ooc and your oc blends well into the crazy dynamic from what was shown.
2. I don't quite understand how Chiquita functions well with no actual user. And if she caused kira pain before when activating, why didn't Kira notice before?
3. I personally like longer chapters as it means more to read and more time for you to write quality chapters.
:0 hope to read more from you and hope to see more fluff from Kira and Allen they're cute
| I've got Rhythm in my Soul chapter 21 . 10/2/2014
Oh honey... your story is better than you think it is. But I feel really bad now for not saying something that I've noticed with recent chappies. Kira's first steps into the hilarious order were quite pleasing in all honesty: her first view being of pandemonium. Classic D-Gray Man. But after that the only thing I can really mention is that it felt as though you may have been forcing yourself at times. Pacing is all about the author not the reviewer so if the pace suits you then screw the reader. Don't become what everyone else wants you to be.
So yeah, it felt a little forced; as though you were trying to hard. One thing I've noticed with myself is that since you made Kira's character a little socially terrified it may be difficult for you keep up with it for a long period of time. Writing a character like that early on can be a huge drawn on your noggin'. It's part of her character and that's okay but if you yourself are quite sociable and you a lot of yourself into your writing it can get depressing. I actually like Kira's character defects but maybe if you make her acclimate in a different way to what your doing it might help you focus your energy more effectively. Subconciously you might be seeing the long haul with her character and you start to loose your flow/focus. then your writing starts to sound different to what you want. It could be anything. I love everything leading up to the last two chapters and my only comment is my worry on your emotional pipes: they may need a huge cleaning after each chapter. Don't be too critical on previous work: it's all practice. It might help you give yourself an imaginary goaline for each chapter.
| MCRDanime chapter 21 . 10/1/2014
In my opinion your intro should be like before Allen even knew that he has the fourteenth in him. Like before he even went into searching for cross with the others. That way kira has more impact on how things go in Allen's life at the exorcist headquarters. But if you want it to be more about kira then you should start on the middle of the manga or anime when they were searching for cross. That just my opinion because the manga is not over yet and I feel like you need to know more about the Noah and fourteenth for you to continue your story the way you want it to go. Well I hope you can continue your story and correct whatever it is you want to correct in it.
| Sock my Rock chapter 21 . 10/1/2014
Cough it's Sock My Rock Cough... Man I must be getting sick :)I'm glad I'm not the only that noticed the slowed down pace. To answer one of your question I think the length of each chapter is fine. It's a nice length as it's not too long but not too short either.
I'll start off with the things that I've think you've done well with this fic. Basically the foundation you've set up for Kira in my opinion is the best thing this fic has going for it. You took your time to craft Kira's character in a way that didn't Mary Sue the story but still kept her in the spot light. Coming from one that became sick of OC stories because the over-saturation of them, especially in certain fandoms, I was pleasantly surprised with your story. Even gave me hope for the OC stories on this site.
Aside from that I really enjoy your writing style, as it flows well and it keeps my attention. Not counting the whole explanation of Kira's Innocence, cause I did get confused there. Finally I personally feel as if you can make an amazing story out of this! From what I've read so far I can defiantly see that you have great ideas you want to implement for both the story and characters. Those are the things that keep bringing me back to this story, and I honestly want to see this story use that potential it has to become something amazing!
Now on to the things that have annoyed me with this story, especially with the last couple of chapters. Pacing is the biggest issue I have with this story, I know big surprise right? I've said before that from the beginning that you set up a slower pace, which isn't wrong at all, but this arc has made me think that not much has actually happened in the story thus far. I don't know about the rest of the audience, but I still don't have an actual grasp at what this story is going to be about. I mean aside from Kira, Allen, and the Fourteenth. You've gone through 20 chapters, and Kira's just barely joining the Black Order. I know that sounds contradictory to my previous statement that I like how've you set your foundation, but I do feel as if you could of done the same amount of work with less chapters.
The second thing that bugs me a bit is Kira's character. She is well set up and I have a great grasp as to what kind of person she is, but after 20 chapters she still feels exactly the same to me. I do come into every new chapter hoping that Kira will acquire some good character development but in a sense she hinders herself. Granted she did decide to join the Black Order, but with that step she took she almost instantly took two back when she actually arrived. I get that Kira is afraid of people because of marks on her skin, after all that is a part of character. But I always think that if a character can't develop on their own use other characters to help nurture that growth. I don't expect Kira to just suddenly stop being afraid of all the people at the Black Order and start killing bad guys, but I want to see Kira come out of her shell more. Frankly I've felt that with her interaction with Allen, and Lavi she should have come out just a bit more.
That's all I can think of at the moment, but I can bet money that's all I have to say about your story thus far. Though I do have a question that's been nagging at me. Have you a general idea of how this story is going to end? I know that might be venturing into spoiler territory but I don't mind spoilers one bit. Anyway once again I wish you the best of luck with this story! I want to see it do well, and I'm excited to read more of it. And hey if you ever need some help, I'm always open if you need it. Okay finally done with my wall of text!
| I've got Rhythm in my Soul chapter 20 . 10/1/2014
Your opening quote by Gilder Radner was perfect for this chapter. And it was nice to see the whole team of exorcists eating in the cafeteria. Even Marie spoke! I kind of expected Lavi to go into Bookeeper mode and to be honest, I feel sorry for the guy. Allen isn’t the only lonely boy caught between their respective purposes. And all this time they’ve been considering innocence as a weapon, a gift true, but a weapon nonetheless. What if each piece of innocence is singular, with its own soul? Or is Chikita just special?
So Kira’s reaction to her innocence was much more involved than your previous attempt huh? I’m kind of happy for it. I mena not everyone would be sitting there, wearing a ridiculous smile on their face going ‘Innocence has intruded within me: awesome’. I was a temple. Now I’m an amusement park. And it’s going to be a life of hardship ahead of her where the majority of exorcists die young. Geez, what a welcome.
May I just say how you rejuvenated my love for Komui in this episode? I forgot that underneath the ‘moron’ tattooed across his forehead he really is smart and cares a great deal about the exorcists because somebody had to right? Maybe Kira’s ordeal reminded him of Lenalee’s? He was very responsive to her in this chappie. Nice little bit at the ending there about dark/light motif. I really wanted to add much more for this review but I always seem to be in a bit of a rush. I’ll make up for it next time you update.
P.S. Erm…. So wheeeeeeeeen does Kira meet Timcampy? I completely forgot about the guy. But love him I do.
| Sock my Rock chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
Keep throwing those curve balls; I'm ready for anything you have in store!:D
In regards to the chapter, not much to say other than it was good. Yet one thing that I have started to notice is how you're taking your time with Kira's induction to the Black Order. In my eyes it's both a good and a bad thing the way you're approaching the situation. On one hand I like the attention that Kira's character is receiving when it comes to her decision to join the Black order. It's going to be next to impossible for her to function at the order without Chikita, and to a certain extent without a person she is familiar with. Meaning her relationships with other exorcist is going to be something you pay more attention to. And I really look forward to reading how you approach their relationship with Kira.
It may just be me, but I found the last couple of chapters a bit stagnant. Not saying I didn't enjoy them, but the pace has really slowed down in my opinion. Granted throughout the story you've set a pace that isn't fast by any means, but it wasn't too slow either. These past few chapter have felt really slow to me, and frankly I'm kind of hoping something big happens. Sure you've weaved exposition gradually throughout these past chapters which is great, but I'm hoping for something big to happen to move the plot along. Like I said though that might just me being crazy.
If you want I could give you some tips and tricks I've picked up from writing ships, if you need some help getting the ship sailing. Of course that's up to you if you want it or not. That's it for me. Sorry if that was a long winded but I just wanted to voice that out. Best of luck in the coming chapters and I hope to read more soon!
| Sora22302 chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
I forgot to review last chapter. Oops. I'm Sora22302 on Deviantart, the one that suggested putting your story up in parts and in one big document (though that didn't work out either, huh? XD).
| AmericanNidiot chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
Chikita would be the poker playing cat god… lmao.
Ahh, gotta love confusing readers and force them to think, it's lovely…
Bookman rules are too strict imo, mainly when they're still human. Humans are naturally bias, and cannot simply train themselves to not feel anything (though they don't fully understand feelings, cos humans are weird), so I find the Bookman "laws" to be a bit hypocritical mainly when they are Exorcists.
| Rainbowrunner01 chapter 20 . 9/27/2014
OK, where to start...ah the prophecy.
"...your innocence...will bring peace to the One Who Cannot Return..." what an eerie prediction. I believe the One Who Cannot Return refers to Allen in someway or another, considering he goes on the run from both the order and the Noah, it could be referencing the fact that he cannot return to the order, as for Kira's involvement...I'm totally clueless.
Something I've been wondering for a while now, what is your view on the Noah?
I'm not very fond of fics where they are ridiculously evil for no apparent reason, you don't seem like one of those authors as you are quite in-depth about things and you always (most times) give a reason behind things.
This is D. 'Grey'-man after all, there is no black and white, only many shades of 'grey'.