Reviews for A state of indifference
Dr. Blue22 chapter 2 . 3/16/2013
Excellent chapter, really enjoyed it. The changes in the style really made a difference in my opinion and hopefully others as well. Can't wait for the next chapter I have no complaints at all.
dcp1992 chapter 1 . 3/13/2013
Great story and story idea. Depressing… it'll be a interesting story. It'll also be interesting to see how college student Gohan meets high school student (is she high school?) Videl and how they interact and get together. Update soon!
Brainless1 chapter 1 . 3/11/2013
I like where this story is going and hope to see it continued. It'll be interesting how college student Gohan meets HS student Videl and how they interact with each other. With the more muted and realistic portrayal you have of the characters it should make for a fun read. I’m impressed with the quality of your writing and the glad to see you aren’t over-exaggerating personality traits but at the same time showing just how broken they are.

I didn't see the text pre-edit but judging on Dr. Blue22's review I have to agree with the changes. The only other problem formatting wise that might help was at the end where you had Bulma giggle. With sound affects and actions you usually drop out of a quote before going back in.

Instead of

...Maybe we can go check them out. GO TIGERS! ::giggles:: I can show you all around the place. It IS my alma-matter, you know?...

You would write something like

...Maybe we can go check them out. GO TIGERS!” She cheered with a giggle. “I can show you all around the place. It IS my alma-matter, you know?...
Dr. Blue22 chapter 1 . 3/9/2013
I really like where this is going, and overall the grammar is pretty good, nothing noticeable that I personally really caught up on, the only problem I have is your dialogue, I don't want to be rude and assume you're just wrong in how you're writing it, which dashes in between characters speaking, for example:

- Good morning, Gohan. - Mia smiled as she approached her big brother.

Instead most people I think would be familiar with putting quotes around character speech

"Good morning, Gohan." Mia smiled as she approached her big brother. (And not bold(ing) the speech)

Thoughts are different, but it would be good to find a style consistent with normal dialogue, for example you put:

"She talks... A LOT." Gohan thought to himself.

However, if you wanted you could change, the quotations to apostrophes or, italicizing the thoughts, I'm not too sure if there is a specific way for character thoughts to be written out.

Great work thus far, look forward to more in the future.
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