|Reviews for Little Girl Blue|
| Flamable chapter 1 . 4/10/2009
"Do you know when I first fell in love with you?"
"When you got me to sing your grandfather's lullaby."
Aw! *hides tears* Man this is an epic win! I can totally expect this somehow and I felt like I was in her shoes...go daddy to the rescue!
| alesi257 chapter 1 . 4/22/2006
Hi, this is a good story, but I agree with CassiaMallard. I find it really hard to believe that Drake would say something so senselessly mean to his daughter.
| Gabby chapter 1 . 8/25/2003
That was so sweet! I nearly cried at the end. also have "Little Girl Blue." lullaby. Darkwing's version and Gos' version. That was a very good fanfic.
| heerosangelyamisdevil its not lettin me sign in chapter 1 . 4/26/2003
That was really good! And the end was really sweet
| VampedVixen chapter 1 . 4/24/2003
Very beautiful story, but the ending was incredibly abrupt.
| Lis chapter 1 . 12/17/2002
I love the ending
| Nikkicub chapter 1 . 11/2/2002
Incredibly sweet... I love it. You could break up paragraphs like others have mentioned... and I'd like to see a sequel(or a prequel)dealing with Nicole and whatnot. But it's wonderful, it really is. _
| Rainbow chapter 1 . 9/17/2002
I like it. Short sweet and it flows. The only thing I would change is the voice of the writting. Even where it's supposed to be dramatic it just doesn't hit it. Even tho...I like it.
| Aetre chapter 1 . 8/21/2002
Yours is a writing style reminiscent of Nathaniel Hawthorne, Herman Melville, and Charles Dickens. I mean that as both a compliment and a criticism.
These authors all employed a technique whereby they would intentionally run paragraphs together, not splitting them up when two people are talking, adding sideshow characters (i.e. Honker) where they might not necessarily be pivotal to the plot scheme.
These authors had an excuse for doing this, though: they all worked as writers for nineteenth-century literary magazines and therefore were paid one penny for every word they wrote. Ergo, the more words, the better; the longer the paragraphs, the better; the more characters involved, the longer the story gets, and the longer the story gets, the better... do you see my point?
We in the age of Internet texts are beyond this. In fact, in our world, it's better to be concise. Where lengthening paragraphs artificially may give an illusion of length, writing smaller paragraphs and keeping every character's role straight helps speed up the flow of the story. Such technique can make a 26-chapter, one-hundred-page novella readable within two hours, just to give an example.
Nathaniel Hawthorne once said, "easy reading is damned hard writing." I've always secretly suspected that he thought this because, frankly, Hawthorne was never all that great a writer. But that's just my opinion.
Bottom line: separate the paragraphs, make Honker a more practical character in the story, and concentrate on improving the story's flow.
On the positive side, you have a great premise, and the plot is pretty believable. (suggestion: Perhaps Gosalyn's not showing Drake the report card is the latest in a string of rebellious teenage acts Gosalyn has carried out, intentionally or not... that would make Drake's anger better founded.)
I'll be looking forward to seeing what improvements you come up with for the rewrite.
| BatmanBeyond316 chapter 1 . 8/19/2002
Very sweet..It takes a true father to admit to things like that.
| SouthernChickie chapter 1 . 8/15/2002
Thanks for the tips! I've taken them all into consideration and am currently working on a re-wright. Kepp 'em comming!
| The Lauderdale chapter 1 . 8/14/2002
Oh, I wish you would rewrite this because I think it would be excellent! Even the way it is, reading it was like a punch in the gut (in a good way!) There are other Gos-and-dad-have-a-fight-Gos-is-insecure-about-adoption-they-make-up stories out there, but this has a better premise than most that I've seen. The meaninglessness of the fight, which took place over an issue that wasn't there, rang true: Drake builds up in just that way in the series and I could totally see him going overboard like that. This is the part that won me over to the story, BUT, you should probably toss in some facial expressions or descriptions of both characters thought processes at this point, or something else to go along with what they're saying. In the series we would have the benefit of the nuances of Jim Cummings and Christine Cavanaugh's voices, or the body language of the characters, etc., but when all we have are the sentences on their own it can leave people puzzled as to how they can get so angry over a few exchanged sentences. Something else must be going on in those scenes to escalate the exchange.
Otherwise, you also need to make the story longer and explore this a little more. I'm kinda shocked that when Gos is a senior in high school her father would pull out the adoption card-maybe earlier on in their relationship, but not now...*Except*, we have the tantalizing reference to someone named Nicole, which suggests a larger background to the story then just what we get in the show and the reason why Drake may be freshly fixated on Gos' being adopted. You need to deliver some more of this to us. Is Nicole Drake's other daughter? Is he married now with more children? If not, who is Nicole and why does she get on Gos about being adopted and who she is to the two characters that it matters what she thinks?
Honker does come in out of nowhere since he really doesn't function in the story save as a device to keep Gosalyn in one place until her father gets there. You can develop him a little more-give us more of a sense of the kind of person he is now that he's older and the way he and Gosalyn's relationship has changed-clearly it has because the younger Honker wouldn't think about how much he likes to protect her (especially since in the series it's the other way around.) Also, did Gosalyn tell Honker at all about meeting her biological parents?
Basically, this feels to me like a very interesting draft. I hope you'll return to it-maybe when you go back to break up the paragraphs more like Nightw2 said.
| CassiaMallard chapter 1 . 8/14/2002
Okkay, here's what I have to say. The story and the idea were pretty good. It was cute. My major problem was in how you portrayed Drake. For some reason he came off rather mean and he had no real reason for his anger. True, that sometimes he loses his cool for no reason on the show. But, I really don't think that something as small as Gosalyn not showing him her report card would cause him to say he wished he hadn't adopted her. My other small problem was that Honker seemed to come out of no where and really didn't seem to add anything to the story. He was there, he conforted her a little and then he slinked back into the shadows.
But that's all I have to say. overall a pretty good story, I, personally, just had a vfew problems w/ it. :-D
| Merlynnod chapter 1 . 8/13/2002
Oh, that was lovely! _
The ending was perfect. I've always loved that part of the opening movie. _
Beautifully written. _
| Nightw2 chapter 1 . 8/12/2002
Awwwww. This was pretty good for a first fan fiction. I've definitely read far worse debuts. Heck, I've written worse than this and I have 28 fics on . Okay, maybe you could try breaking up the paragraphs every time somebody else speaks, but that's a common mistake (one I, myself, have made a few times).