|Reviews for The Labyrinth of Night|
| CoffeeQueenDemigod chapter 3 . 5/21/2014
Still best SYOT of all time, despite being discontinued. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE IT!
| clicketykeys chapter 1 . 1/7/2014
Okay, so the first thing I think is: whee! Capitol characters! People we get to HATE! I do wish there had been more description. I generally don't like it, but I am at least a *little* familiar with the original story, and the Capitol and its people are all LUSH and DECADENT and soooo over-the-top that it would be such FUN to have a clearer picture of them.
And despite the fact that they've all agreed on it, I can't help wondering how they're going to pull it off... how will the arena "know" what the tributes' fears are? And then again, many people aren't phobic; their deepest fears have to do with disappointing those they care about, or being rejected, or being mocked.
Your grammar and syntax is smooth, which is so nice - I've spent the past four days grading essays and I'm soooo tired of writing "this is STILL a run-on!" And - I'm not sure - is English your first language? Either way, your grasp of structure and style is great. Like, here:
- It would be an invisible menace; pessimism running like blood.
Technically that's a fragment, because the verb phrase in the second half is incomplete. BUT it still works, because the full phrase is IMPLIED. And it's actually stronger that way, because it keeps the pacing a bit tighter. Well done!
Looking good so far. Definitely curious to see what you're going to do with this! :D
Also I don't know what a SYOT is... second year of tributes, maybe? idk!
| Graveofthefireflies chapter 1 . 1/4/2014
I really like the idea behind the plot. It’s a cruel twist to change it into mind games and focus on characters’ fears. We have seen a glimpse of that in the clock arena, where one of the segments presented contestants with illusions of their loved ones being in danger. I’m intrigued to see how this theme is going to be developed.
It’s an interesting premise to allow readers to offer their own tributes. In an active fandom where readers like to take more active part it can be something that works really well. I think it’s important that you retain overall control. You make it very clear to your readers that you aren’t going to accept all OCs. That way none should be disappointed.
I like the opening sentence of the prologue. It’s very simple and to the point but it presents a lot of information in a cryptic sort of way. There is a nice contrast in the first paragraph between the intensity of emotion and roughness of the Arena and the controlled environment of the Capitol.
You set the scene and describe the premise behind the games well by using the dialogue. I like that instead of presenting the ready idea from the outset you goes through its development in stages showing the twisted minds of the game makers.
It’s a very good opening chapter. I’m hooked and I look forward to reading the rest of it.
| Princess Unikitty chapter 5 . 10/10/2013
looks great so far. keep it up.
| justawordwright chapter 5 . 6/9/2013
I only just started reading this but I'm enjoying it so far so I'll try and review the entire thing in one go.
Firstly- really nice writing style. It manages to be interesting and convey just enough detail elegantly while keeping the plot developing. There are a one or two bits where its a bit clumsy but they've already been mentioned in reviews. Its really just the bit where the gamemaker stands up and suggests the maze/mind-targeting arena.
Also the characters are well written (personal favourite is Takei) and the take on District One is different and believable- they try to imitate the Capitol but still don't follow everything it says, maybe out of jealousy? The background to the head gamemaker is good and well developed.
The only problem I have with it is Ivy's tenacity at Chaucer's requirement of really punishing the tributes that year- they already planned this in the first and second chapters. She would be nervous sitting in front of the president with the references to her past but her arena idea could've been mentioned and discussed at that point as it would have played in her favour.
| Zbluez chapter 1 . 5/8/2013
Mmmmm okay. I'm not totally fandom-blind (I saw the movie), but since I don't recognise any of the characters here, I'm gonna assume they are either OCs or from the books.
First, as a prologue, this is pretty solid. I can see how the idea of "Mind Hunger Games" is appealing, since they are a test of willpower and not physical prowess. I'm interested in the kinds of Tributes that will be participating - it would be great to see a fat, ugly, weak Tribute winning these games for once.
The dialogue: I felt it portrayed the whole decision process quite well. It was great to see that Gamemakers fought among themselves too. That said, there are a couple of things you could improve:
- You have already stated at the beginning that all the people in the discussion are Gamemakers. So I don't think there's any need to refer to individual characters as "Gamemaker Brudicca Brunwin" or "Gamemaker Gemini Thornebrook." We get it, they're Gamemakers, you don't have to say it every time.
- The number of names is a bit confusing. If you don't add any description to the characters, just a name and surname, we forget who's who or why they're important. Of course, this could be because I have no idea who they are - it would be different to someone who knows the books; if that's the case, don't mind me.
- The use of italics. I'm not above using italics in dialogue to emphasize certain words myself. That said, if you overuse it, it becomes counter-productive. I suggest you get rid of some of the italics.
The writing: your first sentence is effective and grips the reader - the way you phrase it makes it different from the stereotypical "It all started at the end." That was nice.
However, your first paragraph was not so good, in my opinion:
"When the final blow was delivered, and the lifeless body clattered to the ground; when the sound blared from the invisible speakers, and the raucous cheering of supporters from the Capitol filled the atmosphere; when the Tribute took a moment to relish the victory, before their arms shot into the air, screaming at the top of their lungs; a part of them euphoric beyond coherent words, while another sighed in relief, subconsciously thinking it's all over - at last."
I suggest picking a gender for the winner straightaway. Going with "they" makes it obvious that you're deliberately hiding it. If you aren't, well, just pick he or she. Also, I feel the first phrase could be rearranged: "When he dealt the final blow and the lifeless body..." the passive form makes it seem awkward. And we all know the Hunger Games take place in the Capitol and all supporters are from the Capitol, so no need to specify it.
"I will not have any of this incessant bickering!" Ivory stated, her voice shaking with rage. "Stated" seems kind of soft if she is shaking with rage. Try "yelled", "shouted" or even "barked".
It was only until one particular chair Gamemaker stood from their chair the wood screeching as it slid across rock, and locked eyes with Ivory before opening his mouth to speak was the silence penetrated.
"I have an idea," spoke Gamemaker Lamarr Stockwell, as he adjusted his lavender lapel.
I would suggest "The loud screeching of wood against stone broke the silence. Lamarr Stockwell got up from his chair in a fluid movement and faced Ivory, his eyes locking with hers for a second.
"I have an idea," he said, looking down to adjust his lavender lapel.
Overall, good first chapter. Interesting premise - I'd love to see how they manage to construct an Arena like that. Keep up the good work!
| angels entwined chapter 5 . 5/4/2013
Well, I'm obviously as horrible a reviewer as you are an updater, so to me, it's all good. ;)
Life Before the Reaping - hmm, an archer. I always liked those. Raegan herself isn't that interesting to me (sorry), but her sister is, even though Raine strikes me as rather stereotypical. I've seen the sibling issue done before, but playing your tropes right (new obsession with TVTropes :P), it's been done well.
The Reaping - uh, I have nothing to say, except this makes Raine even more stereotypical - but distinct. I like distinct personalities. As for Raegan. . .I don't even know. Her section there was short-ish, so yeah. Not that that's bad.
Justice Building - this, while predictable, was interesting to me. Raegan seems to have some fire in her, at least, and I'm kind of glad she isn't just "OKAY I'LL FORGIVE YOU NOW" because I don't want a happy ending for her parents. /morbid
Life Before the Reaping: he reminds me of this one girl I know who wanders online intoxicated half the time. XD Not that she has friends as sucky as his. I like Serra, too. I don't really know about him yet (actually, I read the whole chapter and then forgot everything and now I'm just skimming ._.), but he's okay?
The Reaping: well, I like him a little more now. He seems to like fun even in dire circumstances, which I can relate to. :P However, I like Lydia even more. (Yay, sarcasm!) And the last line of that part sounded like something from a song.
Justice Building - SERRA YEAH YOU TELL HIM THAT HIS FRIENDS SUCK /nods It's what I would've done. Except I want no siblings except Internet!ones.
| Ives chapter 5 . 4/30/2013
OMG I'M SO SORRY! I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU UPDATED AND IT'S PROBABLY BEEN UP FOR A LONG TIME...I'M JUST SO SORRY!
Amazing! Seriously amazing! I loved the writing in this and how you did it! Though I didn't really care for the tributes. At first I thought that Raegan was to much like Kat, and now I just think she's kind of a cliche. NO OFFENSE AUTHER WHO SENT HER! Just my opinion. Anyway...I just didn't like her very much. She was kind of a cliche and this kind of character is always in a story. A poor unpopular girl who just wants attention and wants to prove herself to her family...yu get my point. But call me crazy, but I loved Raine. She was such a b**ch. It was funny! I loved her! I kinda wish she was the tribute, cause it'd be more true to D2. Yeah, I tend to like the B**chy people more.
LOL! I loved Augest at the beginning. Reminds me of my x-friend. Hee-hee, I love it! "Isn't that a month?" That's my favorite line! Didn't really care for him that much after that. Also kind of a cliche...but maybe you'll change my mind. I don't know, he just seemed so common. So many tributes like him...but I like him more then Raegan. That's for sure! He was cool. I also really liked Serra. I hated his "friends" though. Jerks. But anyway, I just loved Serra! I don't know why I like the siblings so much...but anyway, awesome!
Beautiful work, Sags, and although I don't really like these tributes, that's okay because the writing and plot were amazing, and I just can't wait to see how they react in the games!
(Still rooting for Takei)
I loved it! It was so amazing and I just can't wait for more!
| sweeneytoddgurl chapter 5 . 4/25/2013
This was really good! Both of D2's tributes are really interesting! My favorite part though was the escort Lydia's sarcastic comments at the Reaping, lol. Soooo happy you updated, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! :D
| jessicallons-y chapter 5 . 4/25/2013
Oh my God I aM SCREAMING; YOU DID SUCH A AN AMAZING JOB WITH MY TRIBUTES! I don't usually give reviews that are too long bUT THIS SHOULD BE THE EXCEPTION TO MY LAZINESS OF FGIVING REVIEWS BECAUSE ILY.
Raegan: I'm so glad with your portrayal of her jealousy and her sense of insecurity. Raine was such a bitch which was what I imagined her to be in the first place. I particularly liked the part when Raegan was silently pleading for everyone to notice her. It just seems very much like her. You portrayed the part of 'wanting to have attention just as much as Raegan did' very very well and I applaud you for that. She's one of the favorite Careers I made because you don't see an openly insecure Career in just any SYOT. The fact that NOBODY actually knows Raegan was spot-on as well. She's a girl who wants just as much attention as her sister but lacks the confidence in herself to do something about it so instead, she ends up getting stuck in Raine's shadow. I'm so excited to read more of her and her interactions with August!
August: At first, I was a bit iffy with his character because I was worried at how you may portray him of the usual party-boy who's full of himself but you didn't and that's makes me so happy! I can definitely see how naive he actually is when it comes to the people he thought he was close to. The sense of cluelessness of his surroundings and just simply follows his friend's actions was spot-on. I actually feel really sorry for him. Reven was such a jerk. In August's eyes, he was his best friend who was worth giving up his own life (and his health, lol) for. I'm starting to love making his character just as much as I did Raegan. My favorite part was his first part with Serra and meeting his friends. You portrayed them so well too! Oh, and the fact that August never took training seriously would be interesting as well. Who'd see a barely trained Career in the games?
For your writing, there were indeed a couple of typos but those are not permanent and there wasn't even too much. You hardly ever see well-written SYOTs out there and I really hope this would make it till the end. So far, I've only submitted to one SYOT in which I have faith for to reach the end. Now, I have faith for this one as well. You just don't seem like the kind of author who'd abandon a story out of the blue, even if updates are longer than usual. Like ATallTale's SYOT, I will be reviewing every chapter here, whether or not my tribute is in it. I love reviewing stories that deserve it.
I can't wait for District Three! Personally, it's one of my favorite districts from the outer districts because they're usually portrayed nicely. I can't wait to see what kind of tributes this SYOT has to offer for that district. I'll be reading this chapter over and over and over again, mind you. Thanks so much for the amazing portrayal! Hope to see you update soon!xxx
| ExceedinglyPeculiarChick chapter 4 . 4/11/2013
oh my god i am sCREAMING THAT WAS SO GOOD!
| Insane Chocolate Porcupine chapter 1 . 4/9/2013
THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!
So, an arena that targets the tributes' worst fears? This is going to be interesting.
The writing was pretty awesome. I really liked the words you used and the way you wrote this chappie.
And who doesn't love bloodthirsty gamemakers?
Until next time!
| angels entwined chapter 4 . 4/5/2013
YAY! YOU UPDATED! -attack!huggles-
I'll type this up as I go along.
First Impression - I have no clue what Takei means, and Rosemarie. . .that's a variant of Rosemary, right? Anyway, moving on.
Before the reaping: isn't a gander a male goose? Anyway, I like him as of far; you seem to be both showing and telling, which is good. Though I feel bad for that couple. XD Nothing much to say, though.
Reaping: . . .Um. . .I really don't have anything to say. Though a district actively making fun of an escort was a new thing, really, but if it's any district to do so, it's D1. They're arrogant enough for it. :P (Also, I agree with Takei on the long-name thing. It's a bit Mary Sueish. Oh, well. Also, I was like O.O because Rosemarie didn't strike me as. . .oblivious? enough to be kissing in the same location four times where she got pelted with water balloons.)
Justice Building: . . .Terrence? O.O That's not a D1 name! (I think.) Anyway, I just really want to know how Gander interpreted that "confession." :P Pretty short goodbyes. (Sorry for the full-of-emoticons review. Habit.)
Before the reaping: because I read both A/Ns first, I see what you meant by "multifaceted." She's. . .interesting. Undoubtedly. Also because I like merciless killers a lot, but it's nice to see that it's not all of her. "Lady of the Shadows" felt a bit over-the-top, though.
Reaping: [She was the Lady of Shadows, she could anything,] I think you missed something there. D: And here - [The last time she had saw either of parents] I don't really approve of reaped tributes in Career districts, honestly. I always expected someone to volunteer. :/ It doesn't make me like Takei as much, but I'll wait to pass judgment; I'd like to find out more about Rose's parents, though. (I'll call her Rose for short.)
Justice Building: OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I SEE THAT COMING I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'M SO STUPID Um, anyway, I now ship Rose/Ollie and yeah, and I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.
Anyway, excellent chapter in general. :) (As usual, of course. YOU DON'T SUCK. SHH.)
xx Twilly (it's been so long since I signed off with that name...)
| CoffeeQueenDemigod chapter 4 . 4/4/2013
Oh my Gods...You are amazing! Why isn't your name hanging pn banners? You are amazing! This...is...so...good! How could you say it isn't?! I just...wow.
I LOVED Takei! He is BY FAR my favorite so far! His thing with Gander is so freaking adorable! I just can't even...I love him! I want him to win so he and Gander can get married and just be happy and...I ship things to much. Oh, I hope Takei doeswn't fall for someone else in the games! It would seriously break my heart! I just love him. Gander and Takei's shipping name wuld be "Tander."
I'm not to impressed with Rosemarie. I think the child things is seriously over done, plus she wanted to kill Takei. I bet the author is a lovely person, but I don't particularly like Rosemarie, and that's just my problem, so author don't get mad! Anyway, I liked her at the beginning, but not anymore. She can't threaten to kill Takei! She's on my kill list.
Anyway, gah, I wish D6 wasn't so far away! But, I'll be able to meet new beautiful tributes. I'm interested in that fourteen year old. I hope she or he isn't a career or jerk, cause Nicoli is gonna need some friends.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for not writing you back! I promise I'm trying! I just have so much writing to do and our messages are long. I just haven't have motivation. I will try, though. I shall write you back before 2014! Anyway, can't wait to see Conner and Nicoli! My babies! Cause D*mn Sags, you are one amazing author!
| jessicallons-y chapter 4 . 4/4/2013
Loved the chapter! The two seem very good tributes for Careers. Takei was a reaped Career (wow) and that automatically makes him seem more interesting. Rosemarie on the other hand is a good read as well. Pregnant tributes aren't exactly something new or unique but she seems pretty exceptional. I'd love to read more about these two especially with the still splendid writing, dialogue and the general descriptions of the District itself and the actions of the tributes. I can't wait for District Two! I'm so excited. Also, I love the format of the reaping chapters. ;) Update soon!xxx