|Reviews for A Price Paid In Blood|
| Demon Lord Cashmere Snow chapter 9 . 18h
Okay, a few things of note I see here and I'm going to go through them in order.
First off, the build up to the climax was way too fast. Or, if you don't consider the initial discovery the climax, then the climax was badly chosen.
Stories typically go from establishing a premise, to setting up a scenario and building it up, rising to the climax and then lapsing into conclusion. While that is the overall story, smaller arcs of the story also need to follow a similar pattern to give your work more structure.
While I applaud the idea, the build up was skipped, no scenario was established and hence the climax fell flat on its face. Further, adding a cat-and-mouse game after doesn't add value to the story, it makes it more tedious for the reader. While you might claim that the big climax is the protagonist's big reveal, by this point the reader is just tired.
One solution I can think of to address this is to stretch the time between the discovery of the cut and the beginning by alternating P.O.V.s as you did, but throwing in a few near misses to build up anticipation and flesh out the characters.
The other solution is to stop writing the protagonist's P.O.V. and focus solely on the ones chasing him, using their deductions and conversations to build narrative and flesh out the protagonist in a post-mortem fashion.
Another point I'd like to add is that to write angst, one must truly get into the angst. Nothing is more beautiful than the work of a broken, tortured and twisted heart.
I hope these ideas help you with future fanfictions.
| Guest chapter 14 . 3/19
I wanted to see piccilo dance. just sayin.
| flyzza chapter 40 . 6/28/2013
Once again a great Candyland story. I found the first chapters to be a little bit short, you started off pretty directly actually first scéne already involved cutting though I would lie if I'd say this is the darkest story of Gohan I read so far. I think the alternate ending was WAY better than the original, much more emotion involved more logic chain of events and much more drama. Now there is still "Confessions" and "A Brother's Truth" for me to read. I still wonder why Gohan just gave in after his second near suicide though.
Your a great author Candyland, too bad you haven't written DBZ anymore :/ I can't say that line enough. You'll probally receive reviews on the 2 stories mentioned before as well. Thanks for writing this story an alternate ending!
| blake015 chapter 1 . 11/20/2011
| Pwyllugh chapter 8 . 9/25/2011
"I'd be playing harp duets with Kakarott!"
omg, the image! I can't get it out of my head! stop it!
| Kawaii-pants chapter 40 . 7/26/2010
I realize this story is a *little* old but I just had to review. It was an amazing story full of love, angst, and just plain old good story-telling! This story brought me to tears (Goten's tear filled speech :'() and that's how you know a good story was written, am I right?
Anyways, great job on writing such a masterpiece and you totally deserved the 600 reviews it recieved. d(.o)
| maxridelover chapter 36 . 5/10/2010
Ok, this chapter very nearly drove me to tears. Goten's speech was so compassionate and sad, yet very heartfelt. You have created a true masterpiece of a story, and I applaud your work. Don't stop writing! No story I have read has made me feel like this. Thank you for this story.
| Mystic Dodo chapter 40 . 12/5/2009
I honestly adore this fic. I could probably praise it for all its worth! I see the characters as clear as day in my head with your descriptions, and could empathise with Gohan and the other characters. You have done an amazing job at this!
| Xj9 chapter 40 . 11/14/2009
Great story! You actually got me crying with the goodbye's to Goku,, I loved it ;)
| EddieEcstasy chapter 8 . 4/10/2009
I know you probably don't check your reviews for this story anymore, but I just started reading it, and I think those last lines are very Piccolo-esque. Love the story so far:)
| jakeub chapter 36 . 2/17/2009
Hey, great story so far. I read through the first ending and thought that it was ok, then I noticed the A.E. I was like yea this will be super angsty and end with Gohan's suicide. I don't mean to flame or anything, but why couldn't you have just let him die. When most people make 2 different endings they normally make happy and sad ending. well the story is still ok but it could have been much better had Gohan die (and he's my fav. character what's wrong with me)
| Frankokomando chapter 22 . 6/13/2008
Hey great story :D
It took me two days to read but it was great.
| Lady Macbeth chapter 31 . 5/7/2008
woa, this chapter rlz! \o/
I was just surprised at gohan's anger towards his father, since a few chapters he was thinking he missed him, and feeling guilty for his death and thinking he would always be proud of Gohan...
anyway, the AE rules! XD
| Lady Macbeth chapter 8 . 5/6/2008
"We got your little message, Gohan," Vegeta sneered. "And do you know what the woman would have done to me if I had actually followed those instructions? I’d be playing harp duets with Kakarott!" - LMAO!
hehehe, loved it! i'm off to read more! ;)
| lady macbeth chapter 1 . 5/6/2008
i don't mean to be annoying, or anything, but... how exactly can 2-year-old goten reach the doorknob? it was just a thought that occurred me when i read that the doorknob ratlled. p
anyway, i'm off to read more!