Reviews for The Hilarious Exploits of Garrus Vakarian
piratequeen24 chapter 3 . 8/27/2013
"Maybe she should just kill one, impale it on a toothpick and set it out as a warning to its friends." - I actually laughed out loud. You are hilarious.
I love this collection of stories, they're too much fun. Keep up the good work!
Suilven chapter 5 . 3/21/2013
""Pretty good. The one on my left—" she flicked her eyes over to Garrus and cleared her throat before continuing, "—uh, nipple looks like it might be rejecting, though."

"Really? It's not supposed to do that. Let me see." Shepard looked over at Garrus, who had frozen in a deer-in-the-headlights pose with his beer in one hand and the other poised over the bar as if it was on the way to something and forgot at the last minute what it was doing.

"Hey, don't mind me," he said, regaining control of his motor functions. "Turian, remember? No interest in squishy people." Not much, anyway. No, really. Go for it, he thought."

Oh, Garrus... you aren't fooling anyone. ;)

""Like what you see, big guy?" Shepard asked, and Garrus shook himself. He'd been staring.

"Well, from a purely artistic standpoint, you're very attractive." He mentally facepalmed, because that didn't sound creepy at all."

LOL For the record, I would love you forever if you wrote one where Garrus gets to find out where the thirteenth piercing is. *lewd wink*
Suilven chapter 4 . 3/21/2013
Tee hee... "ham wallet." *snort*

Loved this, too:

""Do you cut your talons?"

The question caught him off-guard and it took him a second to reorient himself. "Uh, no, I keep them long. Why?"

"Because if you're going to use your fingers on her, you're gonna want to cut them. Nothing spoils the mood quite like evisceration."

"Oh . . . Spirits, I could have gone the rest of my life without that visual.""

Snickered at Garrus' response to fisting, too. LOLOL
Suilven chapter 3 . 3/21/2013
Oh my cow, this one is possibly my most favourite one ever. I remember laughing until I hurt the first time I read this, and it still makes me giggle like no tomorrow.


"Her trigger finger twitched over the button of the can as she prepared to make her move, wondering if she should go get her gun. Maybe she should just kill one, impale it on a toothpick and set it out as a warning to its friends."

And this, oh soooo very much, this:

"And that was when he felt something small hop onto his face and crawl beneath his mandible. He hollered loud enough to drown out a thresher maw and scrabbled at his cheek, flaring out his mandible as far as it would go to get at the roach that was getting dangerously close to—

"It's in my mouth, oh fuck it's in my mouth!" He tore his gloves off and dug in his mouth, sputtering and spitting until the bug landed on the floor. It tried to run toward the safety of the cabinets, but Garrus lashed out with one foot and stomped it until it was an unrecognizable brown smear on the floor. He scrubbed at his face and pushed Shepard aside to run his violated mandible under the tap, swishing water as best he could and spitting it into the sink. When he turned the faucet off and stood there, braced on the counter and panting like he'd just run a marathon, he realized that Shepard was leaning against the wall, laughing with her arms clutching her stomach.

"Shut up, it's not funny."

"The hell it isn't! 'You're over-reacting, Shepard,'" she said, complete with air quotes, before bursting into fresh gales of laughter.

"It was in my mouth." He shuddered and wondered if spending the next six hours in decontamination would be considered a waste of resources."

Bwah ha ha ha! Priceless!
Suilven chapter 2 . 3/21/2013
"Shepard winked at him and he shook his head. "Wanna try? I'll bet that rope's got another few jumps left in it."

"Hell no! Are you kidding me? Why would I want to hurl myself off a bridge?"

"Because it's fun?" She gave him her best cute-face and gazed up at him. "Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"I'll go with you. We can tandem jump."

"You're insane.""

*snickers uncontrollably*

*pats Garrus reassuringly*

Suilven chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
Yay for having all of these in one place! A lovely collection of awesomeness! :D

My favourite bits were this:

"Shepard laughed so hard at that Garrus thought she was going to pull something. She'd had about five shots of tequila, and it was making her silly as all fuck. "Oh my god, Joker, tell me you didn't ask to motorboat an asari stripper.""

And this:

""You son-of-a . . . all right, fine." She unbuttoned her shirt to reveal a few inches of cleavage and turned to Joker. "Care to demonstrate for Officer Vakarian?"

The pilot's eyes lit up like a five year old on Christmas.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Garrus asked, his gaze fixated on her mostly exposed breasts.

"Well, you can't do it because you'll probably rip one of your mandibles off, and you did want to know what it was. It's easier to just show you." She stood up and bent down, putting her assets at Joker's eye level. "Go ahead, before I change my mind."

"I love my job," said Joker, and he buried his face in her chest and shook his head back and forth, blowing a raspberry into her cleavage."

I love the stunned look on Garrus' face that follows. LOL He's right, though; humans *are* pretty weird!
Author-Of-Sin chapter 5 . 3/19/2013
Yaaay! I love this collection SO much! :D:D:D:D:D:D
CyanB chapter 5 . 3/19/2013
CyanB chapter 4 . 3/19/2013
Still love this one.
CyanB chapter 3 . 3/19/2013
Are you sure about the spacing? I mean the damn things can live without a head.
CyanB chapter 2 . 3/19/2013
1. Garrus eeping always makes me giggle.
2. At this point, I'm pretty sure the definition of insanity has Shepard's picture next to it.

LOVE this one.
CyanB chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
Oh God!
All of these in one place! You have just made my entire week.