Reviews for Game Fail
StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
First of all, your spelling and grammar is great! :)

Haha, I love that epic start-up with 'If there were one impossible thing in this world...' and then it ends up being something really trivial. I loved the humour in that. :P I also love 'Mail /fucking/ Jeevas', like it's emphasising how amazing he thinks he is at gaming. XD I love how you relate the unlikelihood of a zombie apocalypse to Mello being nice, too. That gave me a giggle. :P

Haha, it's so funny how worked up he gets over something like a game. XD I love how you used this aspect for humour too, since it's something that a lot of people seem to find funny- when people take gaming too seriously. XD

I love how the fic seems to have its epic tone, giving the gaming experience the feel of a battlefield, even- that Matt is threatening to throw stuff across the room, and that he's finally met his defeat. I like the comparison, as it really shows just how serious he is about his gaming. :)

I found Matt's desperation hilarious when he shoved it on the desk and asked Mello to do 'Something! Anything!" His desperation there was so funny. :P

Haha, looks like Matt finnaly met his match! I love how heblames it on 'Beginner's luck' pratically straight away. What a sore loser. XD

A pretty good piece. :) The humour wasn't all in-your-face, which was a great touch. ;)

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Here is my critique and/or suggestions for the story. I hope it is helpful for you. If you would like me to clarify anything, feel free to ask me, okay? :)

. (Quite often these past few days, too. Past few weeks to be exact.) On this part, I feel the sentence might make a little more sense with a 'These' at the start of the second sentence, too. :) Italics are indicated by slashes. :)
[ Quite often these past few days, too. There past few /weeks/, to be exact.]

. (both you and Neat combined) In this section, 'Neat' should be changed to 'Near', if it was him you were referring to. :)

. (Matt has been miscalculating) So it fits in with the dominant past tense in the story, present-tense 'has' should be changed to 'had'. :)

. (pressing a little harder than he should be since ) The same as above- to change it to past tense, 'than he should be' needs to be changed to 'than he should have been'. :)

. (and the list goes on) 'Goes', in past tense, would be 'went' here. :)

. (He's got to be honest ) This part would be 'He had to be honest' in past tense. :)

. (And there he has found his challenge.) This part would be ' And there he had found his challenge' in past tense. :)

. (So feeling a tad bit concerned. A tad. Mello asked,

"What are you whining about this time?" He sounded disinterested.)

1. The first part- instead of using full stops between 'a tad', I think dashes would fit a lot better. :)
2. In this case, the dialogue is best put on the same line as the dialogue tag, should the dialogue tag be at the beginning. :)

[ Mello asked, "What are you whining about this time?" He sounded disinterested.]

. (because if this is what's going to get Matt to finally quit all his spazzing, then it was a winning choice.) There's a bit of a tense issue with this line, and I think 'spazzing' could easily be replaced with something else.

[ because if this was what was going to get Matt to finallly calm and stop his pointless panicking, then it was definitely a winning choice. ]

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I really like the humour in this because it's not overbearing, and I find more subtle humour much more funny. :D There were no major problems here apart from a few tense switches. :)

Great job on writing a good humour fic. :D Keep up the good work. :D