|Reviews for Transcending Bonds|
| Super Vegito 2 chapter 1 . 8/20
Nice start, and I am very happy to read more. Just a few things I should mention about grammar and punctuation that you can edit.
'Cold oppressive rain poured from the dark cerulean skies, over Karakura Town, as if the heavens had decided to wash away the filth from the landscape- the filth of pollution, the filth of sin, the filth of rot.'
Not bad, but there are too many coma's and the sentence is too long, it needs to be broken up. So it should be like this.
'Cold oppressive rain poured from the dark cerulean skies over Karakura Town. As if the heavens had decided to wash away the filth from the landscape—the filth of pollution, the filth of sin, the filth of rot.'
I think you could take the imagery a step further however.
'Why bother? What's the point if there is there's no one who will acknowledge you? You'll just be alone.'
You used 'there' twice, though the second time you added an s at the end.
It should be.
'Why bother? What's the point if there is no one who will acknowledge you? You'll just be alone.'
Or perhaps like this.
'Why bother? What's the point if there's no one who will acknowledge you? You'll just be alone.'
'Her eyes opened widely. How could it have found her so quickly? She had ran as fast as she could, 'till the growling had stopped! No you didn't, the voice in her head said again. You didn't run your fastest. You can't. You know what you want, deep down.'
Not to nit-pick, but you switched from Past Tense to Present Tense in a heartbeat, it’s considered poor grammar. It's typically best to keep the same tense in a single paragraph...though this is indeed very hard to do. Even I sometimes do it XD!
'Slowly, she turned her head and body to the voice that had spoken so closely behind her and stared at a horrific skull-faced creature that hid in the darkness of the bridge.'
This sentence just doesn't sound right to me.
'Slowly, she turned her head and body to the voice that had spoken so closely behind her. Her eyes gazed at a horrific skull-faced creature that hid in the darkness of the bridge.'
I don't think that one even sounds right lol. :)
But it had too many 'ands' in it and was too long. You also swapped tenses.
'Slowly, she turned her head to the voice that had spoken from behind her, and stared at a horrific skull-faced creature that hid in the darkness of the bridge.'
'Ayumi felt her legs give in and she slumped to the wet ground beneath her. She felt her strength leave her, as if it had in life.'
Wrong word usage.
'Ayumi felt her legs give out as she slumped to the wet ground beneath her. She felt her strength leave her, as it had in life.'
'She had been doomed from the start, she thought.'
Nothing wrong here other than I think that 'she realised' would be better and would keep the imagery.
'She had been doomed from the start, she realised.'
'It was in that brief instant, when Ayumi opened her eyes once again, she saw a flash which she thought was lightning and watched the rain turn blood red.'
Slight tense lapse again and a few moments I notice that should be.
'It was in that brief instant, when Ayumi opened her eyes once again, that she saw a flash of what she thought was lightning and watched rain turning blood red.'
Simply fixing like that is fine, but I'd see it better as something like.
'It was in that brief instant, when Ayumi opened her eyes once again, that she saw a flash of what she thought was lightning, and the rain turned blood red.'
'It was followed by the howling of the skull-faced demon, and what she thought was red rain was actually blood that spurted out fom where its left arm had once been.'
Obvious one here.
'It was followed by the howling of the skull-faced demon, and what she thought was red rain was actually blood that spurted out from where its left arm had once been.'
'Shaking her head clear of them to clear them, Ayumi returned her focus to the young man as he flicked the blood of the creature off his sword and returned it to its scabbard that he wore on the back of his waist, studying him. his apparel was unique and stood out in contrast to the everyday outfits of the living.'
One word mistake and the sentence feels a little long to me.
'Shaking her head clear of them to clear them, Ayumi returned her focus to the young man as he flicked the blood of the creature off his sword. Returning it to its scabbard that he wore on the back of his waist. She peered at him. His apparel was unique and stood out in contrast to the everyday outfits of the living.'
Can't wait to see the rest! :D
| Interesteddude chapter 6 . 8/19
You're taking forever to update, considering its 90% similar to the previous Transcending Bonds, I rekoned it to be updating twice a week. It's not that long either. Seriously, I had to read the previous chapter to know where in the story I was at.
| AvalonPie8789 chapter 6 . 8/18
Kinda weird and un-Sasuke for Sasuke to not take VENGEANCE against Kisuke, or at least hold a more visible grudge. Even if he does have amnesia. Plus i kinda want Kisuke to at least get some comeuppance for his do-whatever-I-want-and-get-away-with-it-because-I'm-smart personality. Annoying both in and out of canon
| Demons Anarchy of Pride chapter 6 . 8/17
Is Sasuke the first, or just one of many to call Urahara by that infernal nickname? XD Either way, great chapter!
| Julyz111 chapter 6 . 8/17
Pretty laidback chapter, I liked it. Though I hope Urahara will grow less insufferable in time. I was wondering about Sasukes power levels before the mysterious amnesia happened, was he the powerful ninja which he was around the time he killed Itachi or will we see him all Susanoo swinging and rinnegan blinking? I have no hope of you actually spoiling this bit stil, lIim looking forward to the next chapter. :)
| Ar-Pharazon - King of Numenor chapter 5 . 8/17
Ethically-dubious shopkeeper aside, this was a good chapter, as it does move us forward and wastes little time dwelling, and does well to move the story forward by the end. Good work.
| longshotqb chapter 5 . 8/16
Whether people like it or not Urahara has a HUGE boner for SS. So much so that he would not even tell Ichigo about Aizen, he even put Rukia in the position of having her soul changed to a humans all to destroy the Hyougoku. Like it or not many people called Urahara out as a Shady individual for the very reason he keeps things very close to the chest all in order for the Sake of the Soul Society. He is literally Danzo in a different kind of format. Both would do what ever they deem necessary for their homes to survive.
Maybe, later on you could have Sasuke not like Urahara very much because of the very reason he's similar to Danzo?
I also would find it highly amusing to have the reason Sui-Feng and Sasuke like each other is because they both dislike Urahara. Unless you had other plans that that would interfere with, maybe it becomes a schism between Urahara and Sasuke later after he gets some of his memories.
GAHHH, I Love and Hate the lack of information we have about Sasuke!
Make MOAR _
| Julyz111 chapter 5 . 8/16
Was it really necessary for Urahara to explain absolutely nothing? Hes really not a favorite right now, and I really like Urahara. Its not funny when someone out of the blue manhandles a person into a situation with which they did not agree, in the manga (or anime) it usually serves as a comic relief but in a fanfic the moral angle is much more pronounced, at least for me. Please bear that in mind.
| xbox432 chapter 5 . 8/16
Yeah, Sasuke was just as annoyed by Urahara as I thought he'd be. I do wonder what he'll get up to with a body now. This is what I like about your story, I have no idea what to expect with this timeline. :D
| Wraith chapter 5 . 8/16
Love it, keep going.
| Demons Anarchy of Pride chapter 5 . 8/15
...Well, that was kind of anti-climatic.
| Windninja1000 chapter 5 . 8/15
Great chapter! Can't wait till the next chapter! :D
| Darth Lelouch chapter 5 . 8/15
Love your story, but I recal that Itachi will also be present ? Please don't add it in this version.
And yes Sasuke is gifted to gain animosity.
| Guest chapter 5 . 8/15
| Ar-Pharazon - King of Numenor chapter 4 . 8/12
While I am admittedly not in the Bleach fandom (never gotten around to watching or reading it, to my shame), I am very much enjoying your story. Sasuke's journey has very much caught my interest and I am looking forward to its continuation.
Write on, my friend.