|Reviews for At Peace|
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 20 . 9/29/2013
I have to say, this drabble confused me somewhat. It was mostly Akari's tone and manner; somehow they seem very different to the previous few drabbles, even if the events seem to continue directly from there. Her words don't seem to match up to the tone you use in the prose. Particularly with her grin and laughter - there really isn't enough in there to show she's not just playing around and having fun with a childhood friend.
I like how you describe her hair as "awkward"; it makes for an interesting image, and some nice subtelty as well.
[watching taiki move restlessly to the side. ] - "Taiki" should be capitalised, and I'm surprised you've left out the "gentle" descriptor here; restlessly wouldn't normally come out as such, but you had done that for some of your other drabbles.
[Or... do they know my answer?] - adding "already" would strengthen that.
Taiki's last words are particularly interesting; I wonder why he chose to word them in that particular way. Whether Akari is supposed to succeed, or appear to succeed, in the end, or if her failure has already been determined.
| Madam'zelleG chapter 6 . 9/26/2013
Mmm, an interesting chapter title this time around. I feel like it will bode an interesting drabble. :D
As usual, fantastic job setting the scene right off the bat. I was especially taken by the description of Sparrowmon's back being "chipped." Whether a fandom outsider or not, it's not something that you see everyday, and it just gave so many mental images. Not only that, but it also made me wonder about the relationship between Yuu and Sparrowmon, because we can tell that they are both in pain and just not in a good state, and yet Sparrowmon is being kind enough to carry him. Really sweet, and makes me start to care a lot about the characters right from the get go.
The way that he was so annoyed with himself for using the word okay in this situatoin was also really nice. I love the way that I can get a clear image of this, as though it's really your own characters entirely and your own world. You slip those tiny little details in, and they make a world of difference. Very cool. I also liked the fact that when you mentioned how "okay" was in nobody's dictionary, it could also transfer out of this particular situation, because I know that a lot of people seem to not like it when you ask if they are "okay." Just something that occured to me. :)
And again, the way that the word "cracked" in her mouth just gives such imagery. I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but wow... I really wish I could come up with something more witty or clever to say about this, but words are just escaping me, so really well done.
| darkaccalia520 chapter 13 . 9/24/2013
I really enjoyed this one. I love how Yuu started questioning how much his sister had sacrificed for him, how much she'd suffered. And I love that Taiki was there to ask him if he wanted the answer. I also love how Taiki's expression quickly changed from frowning to a smile. And I love that Yuu knows he could easily kill them, but isn't.
But then I love how Taiki knows basically what's on Yuu's mind and that it's not his choice. And I love the song metaphor. I love that Yuu wants to know who, but that Taiki can't give him the answer because it's not his privilege. I really loved the message in that. Not only that, I love that you manage to show the human side of Taiki in one minute, and then turn around and show how clouded he's become in the comment how he'd love to keep toying with them. I do wonder what that comment means that it's not is decision, though. Does that mean they're close to death? I guess I'll have to see. Well done. :)
A couple things:
There was the smile, patient, unyielding, highly, sweetly entertained.-There was the smile: patient, unyielding, both highly and sweetly entertained.
"Who," Yuu mouthed.-"Who?" Yuu mouthed.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 19 . 9/22/2013
Interesting exploration of time; it's always difficult to get that confusion right, but simple works best here. :) And you've pulled that out nicely.
[ It had been a long time, a very long time.] - I think repeating "long" would work better there, as opposed to "very".
[that she could change things, if she really tried.] - this is a very interesting line. Hopeful and yet not at the same time.
[Oh eventually, they would be able to. ] - "Oh" sounds a little...odd, in this context.
Ack, I knew it was going to be obvious when it finally clicked. The song that guided Taiki to Shoutmon in the first place! *face palm*. Apparently I need to rewatch Xros Wars.
[Could they do it right now, when he needed them to, was something he worried about.] - the question mark gets lost there. I would suggest breaking it up with dashes, eg. "Could they do it right now? - When he needed them to?
[it didn't make Bagramon's whispers any more right.] - perhaps a "But" at the beginning there - and you're missing a capital letter at the start of your sentence. :)
I had to laugh at that last line.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 18 . 9/20/2013
Ooh, a very interesting development. So Bagramon's control and manipulation is complex and layered, and he's very different to the average villain, having tailored that specifically to Taiki. At first glance it sounds as though it'll fail, but ultimately makes for a far stronger hold.
And the links back to the previous drabble are very strong as well. I think this one clears things up quite a bit. And I love how it's "respected", and how Bagramon was still able to respect his enemy. Reminds me of Taiki and Olegmon in a way.
[It wanted to answer him. ] - I think that works better as "It had wanted to answer him".
[ power incarnate it was,] - I don't think you need the "it was" there.
[could not hear.] - not "never" I see. Hmm...I wonder what that means.
["Yes Taiki-kun, remember," ] - I think it would work better with a fullstop after Taiki-kun.
[He did not laugh, watching the Dark Stone pulse with his words.] - interesting phrasing there; it doesn't seem he had the compulsion to laugh either. That's my favourite bit about Bagramon, how he's so difficult to label as a villain despite being the major antagonist for the series (barring Hunter).
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 17 . 9/19/2013
The title reminds me of how strong the motif of sound is in these drabbles. And an interesting quote/dialogue piece to start off with as well. Who are the liars I wonder. Who can say?
Interesting way of describing Akari's trip; the world changing makes it far more big a deal than the scenery changing. [It reminded her of melted chocolate cherry ice cream, dribbling down her skin and sticking like blood.] - this is strange, and I'm not sure whether in a good way or not. :) Definitely works in a vampire context, but it seems a little overly contrasting and/or over the top for this one.
[The song was here, she knew, but so vague and indistinct it might as well have been mocking notes on a broken staff.] - I love this line.
Because the sounds are indictinct as you said earlier, Akari should have more of a reaction than immediately answering "Did we call for you once?" It's only when the eyes come in does she react more strongly.
[ Eyes bored into and she whipped around.] - into her?
This is a confusing discussion; I'm surprised Akari isn't more lost, but then she knew to an extent what to expect, didn't she.
Now I'm really confused. I'm seeing two Taikis here! With my new pair of glasses too. Hopefully it'll come together soon. I loved Akari's like about good people as well; it reminds me of the one about bad people in X/1999. "People only do bad things because they're lonely."
| darkaccalia520 chapter 12 . 9/15/2013
Well, this was another intriguing chapter. I love the leg-swinging. It reminds us that this is a child, even for what he's become, and I find a bit of innocence in that action. Again, I love the irony you bring into these, and I love the fact that Taiki's hearing voices. I assume these voices are actually from his conscience, perhaps? Or perhaps it's really up to the reader to make his/her own assessment at that. Well, either way, I love how he's having this internal struggle. And I do love how this ties back to the beginning. I love that Taiki is reminded he was chosen, but it was so long ago, he can't remember. But I love that he's reminded he's not him. And the last line was really awesome. I love that he says he can't be him because he's dead. But it's rather a sad realization too...that he feels like he's less of a leader or something. I actually feel bad for him at times, but I did quite enjoy this. I look forward to the next. Well done. :)
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 16 . 9/14/2013
So this continues on from the last drabble. Interesting.
Hmm, I'm not sure what Akari is trying here. She seems sure of both sides, so she must have an ulterior motive. Maybe she was distracting him.
[getting bored!"Kiriha didn't answer,] space missing there. Though that really does sound like something Kiriha would try, and fail, at. I feel somewhat sorry for him.
Akari as a queen is quite an interesting image, particularly as you bring the idea of cats into it as well.
[ With that simply assumption, she had a possibility of an answer. ] - with that "simple" assumption, and I think "a possibility" would work better as "the possibility".
[music notes and birds in one demented package. ] - "demented" sort of spoils that image a little. Perhaps a word that's more lyrical?
"endless time, endless space, endless realities" - very interesting wording there.
Interesting development; I'm curious particularly about what Taiki's final comment meant.
| darkaccalia520 chapter 11 . 9/14/2013
This was very intriguing, and I have to say, I'm not quite surprised by the outcome. One thing I found very interesting was the line about the 'gloved, real arm'. So Bagramon has only one 'real' arm? I'm wondering how that works, but then I don't know the fandom. I just find it a little funny...in a good way. So anyway, I did love the fact he couldn't quite understand how the other kids weren't dead. And Taiki's answer was quite funny as well...but he has a good point. It's probably easier said than done for everyone to be eliminated instantly.
I also found it super intriguing that Bagramon is frightened by Taiki. I also loved Taiki's answer...that it's interesting to see how things will play out. I really liked that, though it's too bad Bagramon didn't like it. And of course, it's not a surprise he made himself king. LOL...I liked the last line. It's all a bit ironic, but I did quite enjoy this. I look forward to where this goes. Well done. :)
One little thing:
Even a fallen to hell could be harmed by words.-It seems to me there's a word missing here. Perhaps a fallen one?
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 15 . 9/14/2013
Hmm, this is a bit longer than your other drabbles.
[pulsing quiet] is a fascinating bit of imagery.
I love how the eyes play such an important role in all of your drabbles (or most of them ). Particularly Taiki's eyes, and all the different colours they seem to go through.
[you left quite a number on him, didn't you?"] - how does this relate to the "'we' did" that follows.
[In fact they were smiling at one another.] - perhaps a comma after "In fact".
Ooh, Nene's look sounds cool, even if Yuu looks somewhat confused.
It's a little hard to follow since the focus seems to be least on Yuu and yet he's the most prominent here. It might work better if you had Nene as the psuedo-narrator; you mention her thoughts, but I don't think you actually inferred them anywhere in this drabble. Also, Akari struggling to sit up was a little strange, as there was no evidence of her being thrown down in the first place.
Taiki's reaction was interesting; so was Akari's reply to that. I wonder in which capacity she means "abandoned" - and that's quite a scary thought, particularly considering how close they were by that time (except maybe Kiriha).
"spiral of red" is another fascinating image from you. :)
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 14 . 9/13/2013
Interesting way to start off, particularly as I suspect you don't mean "tears is a weapon" in the generic sense. :)
[They were a pristine, frail diamond] - "frail diamond"? While the contrasting image can work sometimes, I don't think it works so well in this setting. Crystal might work better if you're looking for a pale image.
[Yet he was weak] - why the "yet"?
["There's everything wrong with my weakness."] - the emphasis on "my" sounds a little odd there.
There's an awful lot of talk about weakness here. It comes out painfully strong, like something you're slamming the reader with again and again yet not overdoing the repetition. It's rare to see, but you've made it works.
And the diamond returns. Diamond soul huh; that's an interesting image.
I wonder who's talking; somehow, I get the feeling it's Shoutmon, and then I think it's not. It's quite muddling, but I imagine it'll fall into context at some point or other. As far as philosophy goes it's a very interesting little piece; it's almost purely dialogue, but the dialogue brings out quite strong thoughts and image.
Another interesting drabble-chapter. :)
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 13 . 9/12/2013
Interesting little piece. It sounded half dreamesque and half reality, a strange mix of fear and comfort and regret that works really well in combination. I love how you brought back the memories of the old Taiki, and how Yuu had looked at him before and after the mysterious change. And that creepy smile persists. :) It almost reminds me of Kakurenbo. The heavy silence is very strong here as well; Yuu could have screamed, but it doesn't seem to suit him to do so.
You didn't italicise the quote this time. Was that on purpose or an accident?
[ Sister…] - this sounds more like a thought than a part of the natural narration, so perhaps italicise that too? Same with this one: [He knows where we are.]
[Had it merely been a lie that with one loss, his beliefs had crumbled?] - reads somewhat oddly.
["Who," Yuu mouthed] - question mark?
[You know, you all are so vulnerable right now. If it was possible, I would keep playing the game right now] - repeating "right now" seems rather odd. Taiki's speech is usually cleaner than that.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 12 . 9/11/2013
Aww, I read that quote as "there's no place like home" at the beginning, which makes it all the more sad.
That first scene is so...innocent! Aargh, Taiki! What are you doing?
*ahem* Anyway, this was a very pulling chapter. Taiki looks just like another ordinary child at the beginning there; wanting to relax and yet somewhat restless. The idea of heartbeats is very strong in this piece as well.
Some more specific comments.
[one in a deep, lonely growl.], [another, stilted and heavy words.] - I think trying to distinguish the voices like this isn't particularly effective, as it detaches from the actual conversation. It's more because of the shortness of the piece in general, but it doesn't seem to add anything in my opinion.
Ooh, Xros Loader is shaking. :) Makes it seem sentient in itself, though we know who the voices are.
[someone who used a vessel like this until there was nothing left] - this part seems unnecessary too; I think Taiki's little monologue there would be more powerful without it.
[Then in the middle of heartbeats, one of them said. "You aren't him."] - this one had to fight with your last line, but it's my favourite for this drabble. :)
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 11 . 9/9/2013
I think a little substance with the first two lines of dialogue would make it more accessible; it's a little out there as it is and it's not until the third line that I see any sort of meaning to it. Sometimes it's obvious who's talking and how, but with how you portrayed Bagarmon in the previous drabble, and the comment that he's "less capable of patience than he thought" doesn't make it that clear until Bagramon's name is actually mentioned.
And funny how Bagramon tries to explain himself when Taiki gave no indication of not understanding. They do have a very interesting, almost father and son like, relationship. Though the way you write Taiki makes it so obvious (in a good way) how fascinating he is.
Aww, Bagramon's not pleased. Though Taiki's farewell line sounds a little out of character compared to his manner. I was expecting something more formal and less childish.
Interesting how Taiki's and Shoutmon's claim relate there; that last bit was gorgeous, and sad since Shoutmon is dead and it's been eleven chapters with no indication of bringing him back.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 10 . 9/8/2013
[The air was crimson with his rage.
Bagramon was not loud in his fury.] - I found this a strange pair of sentences in terms of their imagery, since crimson is quite a loud colour. I can't help but think "grey" with fury might have been better, but then then fury isn't really something I've thought to describe Bagramon as.
Taiki's amusement is an interesting contrast to that though, particularly as you describe the throne as "barbed" and yet it doesn't appear he's brainwashed in the traditional sense of the word.
Ah, the red eyes; maybe that's why you chose crimson earlier? It's an interesting idea to have the sky reflect the colour of his eyes; I always did find that strange, so it's great to see it called upon...though I wonder if you plan to actually do anything with that.
Their conversation, though short, was the most interesting part of this chapter. It gives a lot of food for thought; another angle as to how Taiki's changes are viewed (or two really, as Taiki himself points out something new) while at the same time defining the position of Bagramon. It seems as though Taiki has taken on the role of DarkKnightmon on the surface, yet the complexity of your world is telling me that's either wrong or there's more to it. It makes me wonder just what Taiki has become, because he's so difficult to define...though that makes him all the more entertaining to follow.