|Reviews for At Peace|
| Edhla chapter 14 . 6/29/2013
Again, a rather enigmatic dialogue lead-in :) I found this one to be a lot more straightforward than your openers usually are, but that's hardly a bad thing.
I really loved the observation that tears were like a weapon; mainly because it's so true for so many. I thought though that perhaps the "pristine, frail diamond" observation was a little weaker. Diamonds are very hard, so "frail" seemed odd, though "pristine" works; I'm not sure about the analogy when you go on to say that they were unusable and unreliable and weak.
"Silly, little..." I'd take out the comma here :)
"There's everything wrong with my weakness." How heartbreakingly realistic this thought is. Just about everyone accepts the fact ('cause it is one) that weaknesses are a fact of life and nothing to be ashamed of. Except when it comes to our weaknesses, which are somehow omgz the worst thing evar. Or something.
I have no idea at all who on earth is speaking in this shot, which could be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I don't know whether to assume that a canon-savvy person would know who was speaking or not...
I love the contrast between the high language of "diamond soul" and the "stuff like that" response. That's vintage Aiko. Great stuff :D
| Madam'zelleG chapter 3 . 6/28/2013
I really loved the way that you were able to use "virus" as a lead in. Somehow, it's a lot more potent than using something like "illness" because it has such a negative implication... very nicely done.
"…" This is admittedly kind of nitpicky, but it seemed a little strange to me to just have an ellipse as dialogue. I think that it might be better to have some kind of sentence or two saying that Nene just refused to answer. Just a thought.
I really like the emotion that you're portraying in this piece. I love the way that you're able to pack so much into so few words. It must have been tempting to go off and make it longer, but I'm glad that you kept it this way because the tightness really speaks volumes. Most impressive.
"...nothing left to lose." This is always such a scary concept no matter what the situation, and I love the little shiver that you've got going on here. Very terrifying.
Really lovely piece. I enjoyed it and look forward to the next!
| Edhla chapter 13 . 6/28/2013
Aiko, hi. I'm sorry to make you wait so long! :(
I continue to love this :D I'm not exactly sure what to make of the opening piece of dialogue but that's fine, I generally don't :D Although I'm not familiar with the fandom, I love how universal your writing is- this one, anyway. I love Nene's "thin" hand against Yuu's back, and the fact that you can and do make so much out of just one word: sister.
"How much had she bled..." I can't help feeling that I want this paragraph jumped-up slightly to your usual quirky turns-of-phrase :D There's nothing wrong at all with what you've written, but I'm now demanding Vintage Aiko for every word you write ;)
"As Sparrowmon had feared..." I have no idea what this means, but that just makes it more bizarre. :D If it were me I'd either rearrange the "to his surprise" line or take out those three words altogether, because I think this was stronger without it... "was present" is in the dreaded passive voice, but like I generally say in reviews, if that's a stylistic choice I'm happy with it :)
"There was the smile..." and a bunch of awesome and evocative adjectives, too!
"He knows..." Stylistically, if this is Yuu's thoughts, I'd italicise it to make it a little clearer.
"Who," Question mark?
Once again I love the last line, but if it were mine I'd drop the italics- the line is plenty strong enough without them. So much love for this, Aiko x
| Edhla chapter 12 . 6/24/2013
I wish it wasn't a Monday, tooooooo. :( Well, here it'll be Tuesday in fifteen minutes, but anyway, I feel your A/N. Didja ever make up for your terseness? :D
"Large, cavernous ceiling..." I like the imagery you're implementing here, but I can't help wondering if less is more- "cavernous" implies size, so it might be stronger if you just go with "cavernous ceiling"?
"To be concerned about the potential weakness"- this bit is a little vague, which weakens it; I'd consider something less nebulous, particularly for the end of the sentence. :)
"Whisper" and "growl" didn't gel together very well in my head, but I absolutely love the use of the word "lonely" between "deep" and "growl." *Burns with jealousy.*
"Slightly haughty but still gentle" doesn't convey much to me; if it were mine, I'd keep it to "an obscene giggle" which I completely love. :D I'm a little confused about Taiki's being "chosen", but I'm sure that's a canon issue I'm ignorant about. I like the creepiness of the growling, though the sarcastic "you know..." part doesn't translate in my head to "growl"; which I'm sure is my fault. :)
"In the middle of heartbeats, one of them said" - AIKO I FREAKING LOVE THIS. Even though there should be a comma after said, I don't mind, IT IS AWESOME.
And again, massively thoughtful, satisfying ending. You. Rock. So. Much. x
| Edhla chapter 11 . 6/23/2013
The three openers there are particularly interesting, and more than a little confusing ( ;) )because I have no idea whether the first line is a thought or a line of dialogue, and I have no idea who's saying what :D I love how you're all about the ambiguity in general, but I'm wondering whether more clarity is needed her.
"I threw them..." he WHUT? Oh, wow. Those are the thoughts and words of a true psychopath.
"Almost widening..." I'd take out "almost" here, but I may be misreading it! I really like the "cheeks like knives" part, though. Aiko, how do you do this?
"Horribly piqued." Great word-couplet.
"Ta then." And this is one of the reasons I have always loved your work. I really just can't tell when you're going to throw something like this in. Keeps me on my very amused and entertained toes.
"Even a fallen to hell..." Bit confused by this bit, Aiko :)
"It returned in a place..." I love the way you express the vaguely creepy.
Shoutmon? I shouldn't smile, as I've no doubt it's canon, but... really? Shoutmon? Bless. :)
Again, wham!line at the end. I love this stuff, Aiko. Well done x
| Edhla chapter 10 . 6/20/2013
Well damn, if that isn't one of your patented holy-crap openers (pun not intended in this instance.) And the idea of the air being "crimson with his rage" is magnificent imagery. I'm not entirely sure if that's meant to be literal or not, but I like it all the same :)
"On a throne of barbs" Again, I love it. Is this... literal? Because it's one hell of a mental image.
"Confident was he"- I know what you were going for here, but I'm not sure it worked for me... it kind of mentally tripped me a little. "He was confident" flows a little better, I think; otherwise I love the characterisation of a quietly angry Bagramon.
"Red eyes"- again, as someone who's canon-blind, this is just too cool, especially when you point out that he's a "mere human."
"The new world awaits us," I can't think of a better expression of hope.
"You shouldn't reach..." That's the problem with telepaths, they don't always mind their own business when they need to :p
"You are not a person." JEEZ. That's chilling. And brilliant. And so is the last line. I continue to love this x
| Green Phantom Queen chapter 6 . 6/15/2013
"Are you okay?" That is a difficult question to ask. For the short-term, yes, Yuu is all right. But for the long term...no. They are not ok because they're still suffering from this madness and have no idea how long it's going to last.
Taiki is suffering from the loss of Shoutmon. I remember poor Jeri from Tamers and what happened to Leomon and that was painful. So Taiki is just doing this destruction habits due to the pain in his heart, right? that's what I'm getting.
Nena's lines on her brother trying to 'know' Taiki was interesting. No matter how much we spend time with a person, there are times we will never understand everything about them. It is very poignant and that last part "I know he still does" is contradicting. They know that he wants to help, but is that all that they truly know? It's very philosophical.
We're not getting close to these mysteries so all we can do is trek on. Let's see where this goes.
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 16 . 6/15/2013
I felt a bit confused in the beginning. Was it being said that Taiki being abandoned wasn’t it? I wasn’t quite sure about that part. I liked the fact that Taiki is crazy. I thought that was really well done. The fact he laughed when he was being attacked by Kiriha was a great way to show just how crazy he’s become. It’s similar to the Joker from Batman. I thought there was some over emphasis on Taiki’s eyes as well. You’ve made a really good point that he’s not him and his eyes are different, but it seems to be bordering over usage for me. Awww, I was hoping to get answers about Taiki. I like that Akari walked toward him and was unafraid despite the events that were going on. I like how she wants the truth, she wants to know. I feel the same way. I was partly surprised that he took just Akari. I was hoping they all might go. I’m worried for her now.
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 15 . 6/14/2013
This is longer than most of the others. I’m excited! I like the subtle mention of Taiki’s eyes being unfocused. I like how you go about explain this isn’t Taiki. He’s obviously possessed or something. I was slightly confused about what happened with Taiki. Did he disappear? It doesn’t seem like it since he’s talking later on. Was Yuu just frozen by fear for a moment? I like that Nene wants to fight Taiki. I also like that you call her a mother bear. The way she’s protecting Yuu and the fact she wants to fight off the guy chasing her brother clearly shows she is just like a mother bear. I felt a little blow when Nene asked about Shoutmon. I like the almost suspension of time going on as they wait for Taiki to react. And despite Taiki not being in his own frame of mind, you can almost feel the cracks at the edges of his mentality. Wait, does Akari know what it’s like to be abandoned or did she abandon Taiki? Also, I feel really bad that he was let alone after Shoutmon died. That’s horrible.
| Edhla chapter 9 . 6/14/2013
So Aiko, I have this thing where I LOVE reviewing you but I feel like a prat when I do because I keep saying the same things over and over and... over :D It's testament to the consistent quality of your work, but it doesn't make me feel like I'm being all helpful.
OOH I have something to be helpful about. "Blonde" is feminine; "blond" is masculine. Either way, you know how I feel about epithets, especially those based on hair colour.
I am the world's worst user of commas, but I did blink at the one after "up here" and wonder if it needed to be there, somewhere else, or not exist at all :D
"The former"- technically correct, but if this were mine I'd repeat "irony" just to keep things tight.
"Flinch in surprise or terror." If this were mine, I'd cut it down. "Kiriha didn't even flinch." Most people would recognise a flinch as surprise or fear, anyway. You'd then have an unintentional poem with "flinch" and "inch", but you could cut the "inch" down to "unwilling to budge" if you wanted to.
I like the way you've constructed Taiki's speech, this impression of him prattling on at a severely unimpressed and mostly silent Kiriha.
"Brunette"- brunet is the masculine. And OMG AIKO EPITHETS. ;)
Slight confused as to whose line the last one is, and by the punctuation. But it's a strong ending and I loved seeing "at peace" worked in there. Lovely work x
| Madam'zelleG chapter 2 . 6/11/2013
I really liked the way that you used repitition to your advantage at the beginning of the piece with the word "used" because it really helped to put me in the right mood to begin to go through the drabble. It was almost like a pulse, kind of like how trailers fade in and out with their clips. (Yeeah, not such a good wording there on my part, but hopefully you get the picture) It struck me as very interesting, and very well done. An excellent choice of style!
"This time, however..." As one who doesn't know these characters at all, I was really intrigued at the way that you described this particular character. The only thing that I might suggest for there was that I had a little bit of trouble getting a real sense of just how he felt. It seems that "bitter" might be a good word, but it might be worth going back and adding or taking away or both to give us a closer look at the workings of his mind. It certainly stands well the way that it is, but it just occured to me that you might take it a step farther if you really wanted to.
"...red light receded..." I do find these little things to be absolutely fascinating. There's some literal quality to it, but it also has something mystical. Very interesting and really help to give me a unique view of what's happening.
"Who was he?" Another excellent piece of characterization. So many questions to be answered. There's a certain amount of skill required to be able to leave us with questions in a way that isn't annoying. It seems right not to have the knowledge, even without any background information for the piece.
And I loved that you ended the piece on a well-chosen question. Simply lovely.
The chapter title fit into this one nicely. I enojyed it, and I look forward to the next piece. Well done and keep up the great work!
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 14 . 6/11/2013
I like the line of tears were a weapon. There is such a truth in that. So many people twist tears into what they need for them. It’s sad. I love how you explained them to be like a pristine, frail diamond. That was a really lovely image. I like the comment about there being nothing wrong with weakness. While normally it’s true, I wonder if the speaker is going to twist that as well. With the way the idea of the tears is twisted already, I wouldn’t be surprised if the weakness comment follows. I was a bit confused on who this is between, but that’s only because I’m not exactly up to date on digimon. I like the details in the longer speech tag. It makes me wonder why no one would accept the person with the diamond soul—and partly what that means. It must be something important since the speaker will wait an eternity for their decision. I think it might be Taiki that is being spoken to, but I’m not for sure. I really liked this one though. I liked the simplicity of it. It gave me a lot to wonder about.
| Verran chapter 3 . 6/10/2013
I'm still not quite sure what's going on here, but it's good to get a different perspective. So, Nene is Yuu's elder sister, and Taiki is Akari's best friend. And although there was some vague description of where they were, all there was, was a black doorway and some dirt, nothing else. I did find it difficult to visualise whether they were in a building or a tent.
I'm also curious what the 'smiling shell' is, whether she's referring to Taiki's body, or whatever place Taiki and Yuu are in now.
Just a small niggle, but it is a trap that many writers fall into, and that's referring to characters as 'the blonde', 'the redhead', 'the brunette', and so on too much. We can get away with identifying characters by their names more frequently than we realise, and there are other, more varied ways of identifying them, too.
Well, I'm still confused, but I'm sticking with it, as I'm beginning to see that pieces will start to fit together soon. Nicely written.
| persevera chapter 3 . 6/9/2013
You're able to give a lot of information about the relationships in just a few words. Yuu is Nene's little brother and Akari's best friend. The two women/girls(?) used to antagonistic but now they're friends and both very worried about Yuu, who they know is at the mercy (or lack thereof) of Taiki.
So the general's new evil isn't a revelation to Yuu at this point; it's already known to all of them. As this is another fandom of which I'm ignorant, I wonder how that evil has previously manifested itself. I'm also curious what is meant by the "smiling shell."
[Tears dripped onto her smile.]- This is a very good phrase, just because of the image it creates, and also because it gives a clear idea of how Akari feels—fearful but trying to put the best spin on the situation and trying to reassure Nene, who appears to be a near basket case right now.
[If it would help him to be beaten… or even to die, I… I would do that."] Dialogue in the heat of the moment, of course, won't be precise, but when first reading this line, I thought Akari was saying if it would help for Yuu to be beaten. I thought she might have had the same opinions as Taiki.
Again, you do well at distinguishing the central theme or emotion in your chapter from the others, while maintaining the flow. Good job with that.
| Lazerwolf314 chapter 1 . 6/9/2013
Interesting first chapter. I don't really know what to make of it and I do think this is perhaps partly the length of this. In the beginning, I assumed it was a drabble, then I recognized that it was part of a bigger picture and now I'm unsure if its a prologue or the actual first chapter. Although I do blame a bit of my confusion largely on my lack of knowledge of this fandom.
Otherwise, excellent work on fitting what details you did in this short space. I personally it could be a stand alone one shot; it's that good. It's dark and gritty and haunting, a type of fic I love reading. Absolutely beautiful imagery; I almost shivered at it, it was that vivid.
I would certainly like to find out more.
[His body shook with an ocean wave.] - My only nitpick is here. For some reason, all I can see once I read this line is that, boom, suddenly the characters are in a literal ocean and getting pushed around and I think that you were trying for something different. My suggestion would be to change the phrase to 'his body shook with an ocean of waves' because one word can make a large amount of difference. Of course you could actually have them in an ocean and I read this all wrong...