|Reviews for The Son Of Satan Falls In Love?|
| Shameless chapter 1 . 8/20
Hi! So, I was scrolling past the fanfiction, and I saw 'Tear it apart', so I'm intrigued! I'll attempt to do your request justice.
First things first:
When you started the chapter, you did a full description of your character. That's fine, and you don't have to change that, but in most cases, writers tend to share their characters likes/interests in the story itself. It adds to the feel and adds more layers. So (I haven't read past chapter 1, so sorry if I'm being picky!) I'd suggest taking out that 'like' section, and instead incorporating it into your story. For example, you could have a chapter dedicated to showing one of Amaya's traits, etc.
It's also good to incorporate character descriptions in your writing, but a lot of fanfiction writes leave a note at the begining or end describing their characters features, so thats all good.
First off, even though it's a completely different fandom, I recommend reading the Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction "Summer's Day" by Sun Daughter. Unlike most fanfiction, this is completely dedicated to educating fanfiction writers on character development, grammar/punctuation, etc. It's still a work-in-progress, but I suggest checking it out - it has some really good tips for grammar and such in chapter 4!
Basically, when you finish a line of dialogue, you should always leave a paragraph, like:
"Potatoes are nice." said Steve.
Tom nodded in understanding, "I agree."
3: Setting and description
While as fanfiction readers, we know who the characters are and what they look like, you should spend atleast a few lines on describing them to set an atmosphere - for example:
Mephisto* was an eccentric man. He wore strange clothing - a flamboyant top hat and suit with puffy pants to match. His eyes drooped in a lazy way, and his sharp goatee completed his look; a total otaku.
*I also noticed that you spelt Mephisto, "Mesphisto". You might want to go back and check where you've done this and fix it up.
Also, just provide a brief description of the room the characters are in before you jump into the dialogue. It'll really help the flow.
Just fix up any issues (e.g. 'I'm' instead of 'Am') and you'll be good, let the story take you the rest of the way!
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/17
Did anyone notice Yukio call Rin his 'younger' brother anyone at all
| Doragon-Raitoningu chapter 1 . 7/25/2014
Please do not take any of this harshly, I am only trying to help, like you asked in the description!
I found it slightly difficult to read due to the uses of conjoining words (not saying that its bad because I've read plenty of stories that have none) it would help if you add a few more commas and make the sentences flow smoother. It would also help if you put a little more detail into the characters, like Mesphistio's dog form. I mean, everyone may know how it looks but it adds a little more life and background to the story. Overall I think this story is really good so far, and I am certain it will have me waiting for more by the next chapter! Again, I mean no harm or offense in this message and it is all up to you on how the story flows, this is just my personal opinions!
Greetings from a not-so-important reviewer!
| Sailorlovesbows chapter 9 . 7/18/2014
| yaoifangirl97 chapter 9 . 4/19/2014
I would love to read more
| LAMIA TITAIA chapter 1 . 1/28/2014
I will be doing a re-write. I started writing this when I was a in the 10th grade, but I am in college now. I will try to fix everything I can but still I am NOT the best speller, or grammar person. It will still have lots of mistake. I will also post more of the story after I am done with the re-writing.
| NewMusic098 chapter 9 . 11/23/2013
Good... Great! :D You've really made some progress since the last chapter. You fixed some of the minor problems, like the dialogue, and a couple of spelling errors, too! You're doing really well. The atmosphere was just right, but it could have been a tad more for my taste. But as I said, it's just right, so no problems there! I hope you would keep it up! I'm looking forward to more!
| MidnightHunter563 chapter 9 . 10/5/2013
Interesting story so far, i'm curious on what you'll be doing with it in later chapters.
| AmericanNidiot chapter 1 . 9/7/2013
May I make a suggestion if you ever plan on editing future chapters? When someone is speaking/thinking, it's best to split it up into different paragraphs.
Such as Rin would speak/think in one paragraph, and Amaya the next. For example:
"Jeeze, Yukio, do you have to act like an old man?" Rin questioned, pouting at his younger twin.
Yukio sighed, adjusting his glasses. "Only when you start acting like an adult, Rin."
And maybe try using 'I'm' instead of 'Am'. It'll make it flow a LOT better.
| NewMusic098 chapter 8 . 5/9/2013
Hi! :D I'm just playing the role of the reviewer, since I see no one seems to bother... Well, let's start!
Well, during the first part of the story, I sorta already figured out one of the issues you have to work out, and that is the fact that you need to separate dialogue. You can't mash up Rin and Amaya's dialogue in one paragraph. It'll just look weird, and people will have a very hard time keeping track on who's talking. It's the easiest problem to fix. Well, I'm sorry if I can't help much, but I haven't started reading your story, just skimming through and looking for problems needing to be fixed. Not to worry, though, I'll be keeping this story on alert, and I'll check every once in a while to see your progress. :D
Oh, and another thing. When writing a lemon scene, don't make it so spontaneous. You should at least build the tension enough so the readers can anticipate and get more excited of what's coming next. Plus the confession part comes out as boring more than exciting(no offense, please. :D). Saying "I love you" during the heat of the moment may come as an advantage point if you play your cards right... To write a proper lemon scene, you first have to create a proper atmosphere.
"Amaya was walking to her room, when she heard something breaking. It was coming from Rin's room..." Okay, I'll leave it at that. So, it was coming from Rin's room. But what was Rin doing there in the first place? Aside from it being his room, there should be a reason why the room was pitch black and something broke, right? Was he doing something naughty in that room? Was he sweaty because they had no air conditioning or something? It's just plain weird to find a situation with no explanation. I'm not trying to say that you should explain everything like, "The bed was exactly as it was, yet somehow different. The sheets were 30 degrees more folded up to the east than the west..." or crap like that. All I'm saying is that you need to set up proper atmosphere. Eh... I noticed that I completely slipped off topic, haven't I? *laughs awkwardly*
Anyway! *cough* I also saw some minor spelling errors, but that something you can fix on your own. Unless of course if your primary language isn't English, that is. Then I might recommend you studying a bit more before diving in to the world of writers. Oh, and I'm truly, terribly, deeply, sorry if I have said anything to offend you. :) My intent is to help, not to bring down. Like you, I have also started writing with an OC. But unlike you, no one has even taken into consideration of my feelings and starts blabbing mean stuff about me. That I can't write... Nor can I ever be successful as a writer. Unlike you, I didn't have a guide or a person to help me advance. I had to learn myself, and it took long enough, but I finally showed them wrong! XD I proved that I'm no slack-off, and I know that you're trying very hard, too! So I'm gonna be helping you out, okay? :D
Okay, moving on. don't you think Amaya's convenience is a bit uninteresting? I've read part of the story, and it seems a bit too predictable. Amaya's understanding of Ukobach, her stay at the dorm where the Okumura brothers are supposed to be isolated, and even as her and Rin having the same taste? I mean, it's not bad to be similar, but it's not bad to be different either. In every love story, there is always a difference. PLus Yukio is smarter than that. He could've asked Mephisto for more info as to why Amaya is stuck with them when there are far more dorms in the school. Plus there'd be no expenses since Amaya's the one who's supposed to pay every month. Okay, enough with my blabbering. My point is, being different isn't all bad. Rin can be as carefree and violent as he could, and you could probably set the girl to be quiet and isolated. That will lead to more events, more plot twists, more drama, and eventually the tension will release upon their confession. But either way, you did fine. Much better in my case. XD
Oh, and one last thing. Have faith, author-san. And hard work, too. Okay, make that two things. A great writer isn't born in a day. And you can't expect to write an award-winning novel just by scribbling down some plot ideas. :D I support you, so do your best! Hopefully you'll take my feedback as commentary suggestions rather than insults! :) I would hate it if I made an enemy out of you... :( So, anyway, that is all! :D
| Guest chapter 8 . 4/29/2013
i really did like this story but i think you should do something different with the layout its really hard to understand who is talking with who. Other than that i really did like the character you made for Rin. I think she ones the my favs. She would seem like someone Rin would go after, (Assuming she's the one in the picture). I do think you need a but more on the editing but you have improved from your last story. I can wait to read the rest.
i really did LOVE the lemon i also think Rin would be the aggressive!
another thing that i really like that you do is the filler chapters, not many people do that but i think it makes the story move faster.
Another thing that i really liked about this is that u tried to add the other characters from the story most just focus on the couple.
| Whispered-Lullaby chapter 1 . 4/9/2013
Hi there! You asked for reviews, so I decided to stop being lazy and actually review something (for once).
First of all, I just want to say that this will be more of a critique than a "good job" kind of review, but I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I promise! I apologize ahead of time if anything is particularly upsetting.
First on my list is the general grammar/spelling/technical stuff. While this story may or may not have been spell checked, there are a lot of words that, while spelled correctly, are simply the wrong word. (For example, in the first line of the second paragraph, it says, "...it was sung wide open," when it should be "swung." Obviously sung is a real word, but a spell checker can't tell if it's the right or wrong word for that context.) Also, the story does not flow smoothly because of the strange way many of the sentences are phrased and missing words that were more than likely accidently deleted/left out. It would be simple to minimize these problems with careful proofreading and asking for outside advice on the things that don't want to cooperate.
Next on my list is your character. I'm going to be especially careful with this, because I REALLY don't want this to come across as OC bashing or something (it's not!). The only complaint so far that I have about her is that she seems to be too similar to Rin with the cooking and the love of sukiyaki. It's okay to make her like different things, and maybe she does and I haven't read far enough yet, but that is what I've noticed after reading this chapter. I don't want to say she's uninteresting, but so far everything's moving so fast with little to no important character development, along with the previously mentioned point. This whole story moves very fast, and you should take some time to ease into it a little bit instead of just rushing right into it. I'm not saying you have to spend five paragraphs describing the curtains or anything, but just take your time, especially for these introductions. Spending time on it won't automatically make it boring unless you write it that way.
My last character point is that her situation is a bit too convenient. It's really unrealistic that she would end up living in the same building as Rin and Yukio, especially since the whole reason they live alone is because of Rin's demonic nature. I don't think Mephisto would just throw her in there and risk Rin's secret and her safety in such a careless manner, regardless of whether it's more cost-effective or not.
(I want to stress before I move on to the random things that, as far as OCs go, Amaya is definitely not the worst! She just needs some tweaking, but she is plenty likeable enough.)
Finally, here comes the random stuff. In the second paragraph, Yukio introduces Rin as his younger brother, when Rin is actually the older brother (and in the fourth paragraph you even state this, so it was probably just a simple typo). The profile info. at the beginning is unnecessary; again, you should take the time to actually describe these things throughout the story instead of just stating them up front. It's more interesting that way. My veeeery final point (I guess this is actually another character point...) is that having Amaya understand Ukobach makes me wary of what kind of "special" character she's going to become. I feel like this might be another thing that somehow makes her like Rin, and I feel the need to remind you that it's okay if the OC is not the same as their love interest! Having differences also makes things more interesting, and it gives you some openings for plot development.
Whew! That was the longest review I've ever written! Once again, I want to apologize if anything offended you, but I honestly am only trying to help. Obviously you can feel free to follow my advice or completely disregard it.
Have a nice day/night, and good luck with your future writing endeavours!
| mittensx7768 chapter 4 . 4/3/2013
:) sounds like love is in the air the way you make the filler sound like.