|Reviews for Passion|
| SilencerKaren chapter 1 . 11/2/2014
*3* beatiful , lemon BakuraxAnzu! 3
| pinkpetal34 chapter 1 . 4/28/2013
i luved ur wanning after ur summery
| Becca-Loves-Yuge chapter 1 . 4/15/2013
That was really steamy! :3 It might have been nice to see some foreplay, though!
| Sad4ngel chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
Smut. But it's one scene lemon. Better if you wrote one full script.
| Demented Insane Spirit chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Hi there:) I received your PM so, here I am.
First, I'm not at all against lemons, so long as they aren't written as though they are in a romance novel. Romance novels use those cliche terms and descriptions and everyone has been in that spot where they use that. It just happens. The reason I bring it up is because this one was using a lot of it. For example, "hit her like a rocket." It's good to be descriptive, but those type of descriptions are a bit distracting. For me, all I can see is Anzu getting smashed into space with a rocket. Not quite the imagery that we're looking for, I don't think. Also, the too-endearing terms "my beautiful, sweet angel." While Bakura is definitely going to soften, I don't think he's going to get that ooey-gooey.
Second, I know a lot of people do it and I accidentally slip into it sometimes, as well, but when writing dialogue, there ought to be a comma where there is no question mark or exclamation point. Such as, in the last sentence.
"And I you, my beautiful sweet angel" He mumbled
"And I you, my beautiful, sweet [angel," he] mumbled.
I bracketed the part that I was referring to, just so I was clear. And, even where there are ellipses, there should be a comma. Such as here:
"I love you 'Kura-kun..." She whispered
"I love you ['Kura-kun...," she] whispered
There were a few other, minor grammatical mistakes, but the dialogue thing will help the writing a lot because when it's capitalized like that, it looks awkward. The rest of it is really well-written though, even if it was short and even if they both seemed sort of out of character, but of course, it being a lemon, they're going to anyway:)
In any case, I hope that helped some! I'm looking forward to when you write a one-shot in the fandom besides a lemon:)
| PandaTeddyClaws chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
Short but steamy / Nicely done