|Reviews for Uzumaki & Senju|
| vampwalker709 chapter 2 . 4/16
Another amazing chapter really hope naruto gets rookie
of the year seeing as he is the last male senju an needs to
build there reputation back up like you said earlier this chapter
also hope you stop all this holding back stuff it is incredible annoying
and if he holds back in the academy and gets beat well that would be it for
me cause no matter how a amazing a story is if the main character is
constantly holding back it gets pretty fucking annoying.
| vampwalker709 chapter 1 . 4/16
To say how happy and satisfied this story has made me so far
is impossible because there aren't the words to describe how content
i feel please know this is a work of art and accept my thanks for writing
into existence such an amazing story.
| Demon Bro the 14th chapter 4 . 4/14
Great story please continue the only downside is you explain more than the characters only give them one or two lines before giving way to specific details which could bore some readers but all in all a 1 st rate fic that NEEDS to be continued
| sakura89luis chapter 4 . 4/10
Eagerly waiting for the next update.
| sakura89luis chapter 3 . 4/9
Thanks for another great chapter.
| sakura89luis chapter 2 . 4/9
Glad to see naruto finally made a friend. Looking forward how the romance develops between naruto and his family.
| sakura89luis chapter 1 . 4/9
Great start! Looking forward the next chapter.
| Hirocan chapter 4 . 3/23
I like the fic. Update soon plz.
| phantom daniel chapter 4 . 3/17
So when can we expect an update on father of three?
| Juusanbi no Ookami chapter 4 . 3/12
Awesome story so far! I probably won't be able to develop a solid opinion on it for another couple chapters, but so far it is awesome!
| jbadillodavila chapter 1 . 3/9
| reviewer chapter 4 . 3/9
| DePlexx chapter 4 . 3/8
It is one of the better fits out on this site. You need to upload soon.
| Thugs Bunny 009 chapter 1 . 3/4
Boring. Really, really boring. I'll admit I actually just skipped the rest of the chapter once I got to the scene where baby Naruto was officially in Tsunade's arms. Geezer, you need to desperately polish up on your writing style because it's so bland it puts me to sleep, honest to god. Really.
For starters, lay off your over-reliance on the word "spoke." People don't just speak. There's a tons of ways you could say "spoke" without blatantly using it the excessive amount of times you do. Try words such as
"Remarked" - "Thundered" - "Insisted" - "Whispered" - "Murmured" - "Mumbled" - "Sang" - "Bellowed" - "Roared" - "Winced" - "Whined" - "Called" - "Specified" - "Explained" - "Exclaimed" - "Hollered" - "Screeched" - "Quipped" - "Cheered" - "Jeered" - "Sneered" - "Mocked" - "Hissed" - "Laughed" - "Chuckled" - "Guffawed" - "Chortled" - "Giggled" - "Teased" - "Cackled" - "Smirked" - "Grinned" - "Smiled" - "Beamed" - "Glared" - "Groused" - "Cursed" - "Yelled" etc, etc.
Use these. Not only are they far more descriptive which will do wonders for conveying the personalities and emotions of the characters, they'll avoid the story sounding incredibly dry due to the overuse of one word, "spoke."
Your sentence structure needs major work as well.
*"Wait, don't hurt our baby" shouted Ken as he took a few steps towards the masked man trying to think of anything that would save his baby from this man. "What do you want, I will give you anything, just give Tsunade back out baby" spoke ken with tears forming in his eyes.* Here's what you put.
Here's how it should've been - "Wait! Don't hurt our baby!" Pleadingly shouted Ken as he took a few steps towards the masked man trying to think of anything that would save his baby from this man. "What do you want!? I will give you anything, *if just give Tsunade back our baby, I beg of you!" Tears gathered in Ken's eyelids as he poured his heart out to the masked man.
Notice where I placed the exclamation marks? That's because in this scene Ken pleading to Tobi to return Naruto safely to Tsunade's arms, but due to the lack of proper punctuation it sounded flat. I felt zero suspense from the scene. At all.
*"Yea and if you are really good I will teach you my Super Strength Technique will make you so strong you could break a mountain with your bare fists" spoke Tsunade hoping to get Naruto really excited and malleable for his future education.*
Where Tsunade ends her speech there should be a comma since she clearly didn't say it with strong emotion like Ken did when he was pleading to Tobi to return Naruto to her. It just grammatically correct to leave commas after speeches if it continues with a "Said Naruto."
Like this, "Yeah, and if you are really good I will teach you my Super Strength Technique will make you so strong you could break a mountain with your bare fists,"* Spoke Tsunade, hoping to get Naruto really excited and malleable for his future education.
I also thought Ken was just a gender bent Kushina the first time I read that scene, so you might want to double check that. It can be awfully misleading.
*There putting down bowl, after bowl, after bowl of ramen was the Nine Tailed Fox's host, and only other Uzumaki left in Konoha, (*besides Kushina was Ken Uzumaki*). He was not loved, but also not hated in Konoha. He had proven himself to the Hidden Leaf Village and gained a fair deal of respect from the ninja portion of the village. The civilians were still weary of him sense they didn't know much on tailed beast hosts, but after a couple of years there fears died down mostly, and he was able to live a fairly normal life.*
See the bracketed passage in the text? That blatantly insinuates that Kushina's Ken. You might want to edit that otherwise it will leave people initially confused as to what you actually meant.
Onto Kushina herself... She sounded WAY too much like a bland, cardboard cut-out. I can forgive you for the fact that she couldn't cook in the first segment of the chapter she appeared in since she was till young, but is anyone really that incompetent that they can't even cook fucking noodles? Really? -_- - Get outta here. Knowing Minato actually loved her cooking in the manga, this scene felt incredibly cringeworthy. Onto the ramen note... I can't fathom why so many cats can't seem to distinguish Naruto's likes from his clan's. Just because Naruto enjoys five or four bowls of ramen doesn't mean every Uzumaki will, just sayin'.
Anyway, all that "Kushina's temperamental and has a tendency to lash out at her brother" gimmick needs to be omitted immediately. That isn't real character, more of a parody of a portrayal than anything else. I can't even take her seriously. Hey, here's an idea. Instead of portraying Kushina in the stereotypical self-righteous bitchy tsundere illustration why not portray her as a smack-talking, cheerful, but also edgy, tsundere illustration with a satirical sense of humour.
She would be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the cardboard cut-out Kushina you portrayed.
Hell, why stop with her? Don't let her hog all the cool lines. Pass some over to Naruto. Share the quirk and the love after all.
Naruto doesn't have to be a cliched stoic character to be badass, you know.
Also, Ken sucked ass.
He was more of a plot device than an actual character.
Terribly written chapter.
| BBWulf chapter 4 . 3/4
Awesome thus far. I like how much this deviates from canon.