|Reviews for An Aspiring Breeder's Wish|
| AmberyynDarkrose chapter 2 . 1/13
Omg... Soooo good!
Lel, got a lil curious when you deleted the previous, but the way you're making it now... GOOD JOB! :')
*feel the pride overflowing, please
| Alphinia chapter 3 . 7/5/2014
Okay, I've only read through Part 3 of your story. I have some advice for you, and it might sound a little harsh, but I'm really only doing it to help you improve as a writer. And before I continue, I want to stress that THIS IS NOT A FLAME, it's constructive criticism. I understand that this is your first story, so I will keep that in mind.
This isn't really a criticism, exactly, but before I get to the actual writing tips I have something a little more trivial to complain about. This is completely up to you, but most people on separate their chapters into different uploads, if you get what I'm saying. Where you have different parts, most people have those as individual chapters instead of having multiple chapters on one page. If you want to do a scene cut, you can just add in a line break instead of changing the chapter. I hope that makes sense!
Okay, now on to the main portion of the review. To be blunt, your character seems like a Mary-Sue. Not only does she have a full team full of rare and powerful pokemon given to her right off the bat, but I haven't seen a single flaw in her character so far. She is nice, talented, and she is winning gym badges incredibly easily for someone who is just starting off. Not only that, she doesn't even want to be a trainer, and she is this powerful! In order to build a better story, it is necessary for your characters to have depth. They need to have good and bad traits, just like real humans.
Her pokemon are all very cliche and overused. Personally, I could get past the cliche pokemon if you made the general situation more realistic. If anything, a girl like your character would be incredibly spoiled and sheltered in real life. Her family is quite obviously very wealthy, and she just had incredible pokemon handed to her on a silver platter. Not only that, but they have learned higher level moves nearly right off the bat. Why not have her act like she is spoiled, or at least have her struggle to train the pokemon occasionally? Perfect characters just aren't interesting to read about, and the closest thing to non perfect your character has done was scream when the zubat appeared.
Your story does have its positive points as well. I truly do like the general idea of a breeder setting out to prove that she is just as good as a regular trainer. I also really like your representation of different breeding facilities, for it is an aspect of the pokemon world that isn't often explored in fan fiction. The writing itself isn't bad. You give a decent amount of detail, although your grammar isn't perfect, such as with your dialogue punctuation (I'm not going to go into every little mistake you made in this review, because I'm sure you don't want to hear it here. I just want you to be aware. If you want me to give you some examples of mistakes I saw, feel free to ask me through PM).
This has potential, and I think it could be a very good story with just a bit of tweaking, mainly concerning characterization. Sorry again for the tough love, but it's the only way for new writers to ever improve. When I started out writing, I had the same issues, so don't think I'm claiming to be all knowing or the best writer out there. I know I'm not.
If you have any questions, desires for me to elaborate further, or even if you want to tell me that you disagree with my opinion and why, I'm all ears.
| Seyary-Minamoto chapter 8 . 9/27/2013
I can believe it, imagination does work much better at school because it's a lot easier to let your mind drift during boring classes than when you're being distracted by this or that x'DDDDD And of course, I speak of personal experience xD
Good chapter, sorry I didn't review earlier! I'm glad everything was sorted out! Almost two evolutions and a new pokemon added to the group, it was quite eventful! I'll be waiting for your next updates
| Maker0914 chapter 8 . 8/31/2013
awww yeah golduck :D
| Seyary-Minamoto chapter 7 . 8/10/2013
no problem with taking a break once in a while, I think xD understandable too, if you're watching SNK. I haven't watched it, but I've seen how it's driving nuts everyone who watches it.
Total fan of how Jonas saved June! that was nice adds a cool edge to his character! and now... we've got a cliffy! Well, who am I to talk about cliffhangers...? anyhow, can't wait to see more when you get up to it
| Max Saturday burns toasters chapter 7 . 8/8/2013
Wow Sidney is a real jerk, I hope they survive
| Seyary-Minamoto chapter 6 . 7/13/2013
Sorry for taking so long to read this! I have no excuse! Dishonor on me and my whole family!
Well, enough Mulan references! I liked the pokeathlon very much! :D quite a fun touch to the story! As for the gym fight, it was quite interesting! I would have never pictured Chingling beating a Gengar like that, it was truly mindblowng (and Gengar blowing...) Anyhow, as for suggestions... I'll take a shot at that xD now, I'm not entirely familiar with Johto, I watched this season so long ago... and I never got around playing the Gen 2 games, to my utter regret. I'm more of a Hoenn gal xD so I can't quite advise you in what regards Pokemon ideas, but...
You have two pairs. Two boys, two girls. How about you start mixing things up? xD I'd say you can finish this bit on the gyms and the sort, and then, as they travel to another place, something can happen... no idea what, perhaps they're in a cave and there's a cave-in... And they can end up splitting up: June and Jonas, Ember and Derek. You can have some romantic development here if you wish, but it's likely not what matters most... I suggest this mostly because I think June and Jonas need some time to work out their issues. After watching June fight in the gym, and after having seen her at the Pokeathlon, I think Jonas has grown some respect for her despite her trainer class and he might begin seeing her under a different light, realizing she's as tough as the best trainers. He can apologize for being a jerk and she can see he's not half as bad as she thought he was...
I hope my idea was of some use and that I managed to make up at least in the slightest for the ages it took me to get down to reading this U still sorry for that! if you need more ideas, don't hesitate to ask! I might have a thing or two under my sleeve xD
| Maker0914 chapter 6 . 6/30/2013
interesting didnt expect to see jonas again hmmm
| AmberyynDarkrose chapter 6 . 6/29/2013
Finally got a new phone after my old one messed up, so I just now was able to catch up on the story. Haha, thanks for the chingling. I remember the first time I caught chingling in diamond. Lol, I think I named her belle. She evolved not too long after, so I went out and caught another one and... yeah, I think I just started rambling now, sorry about that.
You may think that the last chapter wasn't grwat, but I liked it. Your doing what I prolly never can, lol. You thought of a story, and your making it sound awesome
| Seyary-Minamoto chapter 5 . 6/16/2013
Well, darn, I haven't played HG/SS so I can't say anything xD I'll just get to discovering what happens when you post the next bit! Sorry for the uber late review, but I was a little busy writing U finally had some spare time to read! good chapter, and I do hope there's a cool explanation as to why August behaves like this, that would be priceless! Keep up the good work!
| Maker0914 chapter 5 . 6/11/2013
:D thank you for evolving Roselia. Roserade is my Fav Pokemon :D
And the course should be Speed
| AmberyynDarkrose chapter 4 . 6/3/2013
Haha, yay! I love it, it was just, *sniffle* beautiful.
*wipes away a tear*
I can't wait for the next chap to see what goes on next.
Btw, your story is coming along great!
| Maker0914 chapter 4 . 6/1/2013
Ember's my sisters name in real life O.O
| Seyary-Minamoto chapter 4 . 5/31/2013
You don't sound mean xD I get the feeling, though at times for continuity you need that. Yet in Pokemon you have those quick changes of pace, so it's not out of tune with the story at all It did sadden me a lot, though. I didn't think something like that would happen TTwTT R.I.P. Drifblim, I'll always remember you!
| Y-ko chapter 1 . 5/31/2013
An Eevee AND a Riolu AND a shiny Zorua AND a dragon? Well, isn't she a special little Sue.