|Reviews for The Requiem|
| x9k7a chapter 1 . 9/1/2018
| Verdantia Akalixi chapter 1 . 6/24/2015
Okay, well, applause for posting something in this fandom (we need more fics!), and I like the concept of placing the scene post-canon. But, eh...
Warning: Concrit ahead (at least, I hope it's constructive).
1) Whenever there's a change in who is speaking, writers need to start a new paragraph. Apart from the fact that that format is standard writing convention, it's also so that it's clear to the reader which character is talking. Example:
"What the hell! Can't you wake people the normal way!"
"I've been calling ya for like dozens of times already!" Kariya argued.
2) You have some tense issues. Sometimes you use past tense, sometimes present tense. Pick one, don't switch back and forth.
2) It's not realistic that Reiji doesn't react at all to danger, unless you're characterizing him as apathetic and uncaring if he dies, and I don't think that's what you're going for (of course, I could be wrong). Later he warns his classmates not to follow him for their own safety - so I'm assuming he cares about them - and in that case he should still be worried about danger even if he is apathetic, if only for the sake of his peers.
3) It's not realistic that McGwire is there. In canon, he always stayed away and guarded from any direct altercations. And why would he announce himself? He's much too cunning to let info like that slip. Perhaps you could insert a different Inferno character, or have a scene of McGwire planning the assault instead of actually being there.
4) The fact that Reiji's physical education is above average does not mean that Hiroto "should have known" that Reiji was a notorious assassin. That, honestly, just doesn't make any sense. The whole "should have known" device is good for a dramatic effect, but only when it...well, makes sense. Maybe instead Hiroto thinks, "I know he owns at least two guns and never tells anyone about his past. I should have known that he had a shady background."
5) If Reiji's classmates followed him into the underworld, they would probably be killed, not forced to become an assassin. Inferno only forced Reiji to become an assassin because he had a very, very high potential. Odds are that Reiji's mundane classmates don't have that.
This isn't meant to be a flame at all, and I hope I'm not offending. Perhaps you don't edit this fic, but I can only hope this advice (unsolicited as it is) helps you in your future writing endeavors.