|Reviews for Road Trip|
| craftsforallseasons1916 chapter 1 . 10/18/2015
Re-reading this after a long-ass time. Your stories got stuck in my head. I'm afraid I can only give tribute with a review, since I can't draw for shit - unless you don't require hands to have fingers.
The drinking passage didn't seem implausible to me. A big component of BAC is also how fast the alcohol is imbibed. I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume Bakura didn't power chug all five beers within a minute. Even consuming the drinks over the course of 1.5 hours is going to significantly lower the BAC from that .330 figure you quoted above, if you hadn't already factored in the consumption interval. Having food in your stomach can also significantly delay the ingestion of alcohol, so maybe that bag of M&M's was, like, wumbo sized, and Bakura snarfed the whole thing. Just instinctively, I can't see someone, even a young walking corpse like Bakura, having a high likelihood of suffering lethal complications from drinking five cans of beer over a couple hours. He'd be very inebriated, yes, but it'd probably play out as you described it: vomit, black out, feel like slug with vertigo the next day.
I enjoyed the tone shift for this story. Marik is so curious and contemplative, while Barkura is no-holds-barred blunt. When he's done he's done. He's gonna be so goddamn ashamed of his tweenage angst five years down the line. Or maybe he'll be an angry teenager forever. I think the latter's more canon.
The simple sentence structure you use conveys the "in the moment" feel of the story well - it's very immersive. The most glaring writing issue I've seen on this site, barring general incompetence, is overwrought description. As in, no can ever simply open a fucking door, they have to "grasp the sleek, metal knob on the ornate, mahogany door with smooth, blemishless fingers and waltz into the room with a cool, Cheshire smile carved into their sun-kissed, bronze skin, wild locks of auburn waving in the wind like a patriotic, striped flag." Hell, I think your MoF stories might be the only writing I've seen on with such a restrained style. I just wanted to share how much I appreciate it, since I think it's terribly underutilized, even in professional essays. Also, thanks for not using hair/skin/eye color as personal epithets. Or the word "unceremoniously," which, for some reason known only to God and our lizard overlords, is featured multiple times in every short story written by someone under 22. Really, there is something about that goddamn word. It's everywhere. What am I missing here?
To me, the character dynamics between Bakura and Akefia are the strongest element of the piece. The discord is palpable in every scene with them. Akefia has this vision of himself as Bakura's caring, but firm savior, particularly as a counterweight to Mariku's increasing instability. He pretends he's changed, buried all his demons out in the deep of desert, and he expects his nephew to ride the delusion coaster with him. When Bakura continues to act like his tetchy, tweenage self, this new identity starts to destabilize, culminating in Akefia lashing out to stave off the self-loathing. I'm interested to see what happens when Akefia's conscious finally completely implodes (granted you're stilling writing MoF), like a supernova version of what we saw at the end of this one-off.
Bakura, in contrast to his uncle's idolization of their relationship, tries to dissociate himself from Akefia, despite recognizing how much he relies on him for his literal and emotional well-being; or perhaps that's why he tries to why he tries to freeze-out any bonding between the two of them. I always found it interesting how much deeper Bakura's resentment was towards Akefia than towards Mariku, who is unquestionably the more brutal of two beasts. My thinking was, that with Mariku, it was nothing personal, it was almost a job. Do what he wants, get through it, go back to organizing crayons by tip sharpness. It even gave him a, albeit very fucked-up, sense of purpose. With his uncle he's in incessant emotional limbo, and anytime he's tried to trust him, he re-lives the original betrayal when Akefia inevitably goes back to Perv City.
That there's so much tension even in little scenes, like driving on the highway, speaks to you as a natural storyteller; interesting dynamics between characters are as important to a narrative as interesting characters themselves, but are emphasized so much less in English courses.
Anyway, this has been very little constructive criticism, mostly blind praise. Eh, so is life.
| Midnightyears chapter 1 . 12/31/2014
You are the best writer ever. I know this sounds creepy, but I probably read this like over 12 times. O.O
| Sophoura chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
So I've been reading through AMOF and all of these related stories all week in between getting ready for finals (distracting), and I decided that I would review this first because I feel like I have a lot to say about Akefia. Actually, I think he might be my favorite character here. That's not because I don't love Marik and Bakura and your portrayals of them, because I do. I just didn't expect to be so swept up with Akefia.
I guess that, reading a fic(s) like this, my concern was that the heavy subject matter would not be effectively dealt with; that the ships would get in the way. I didn't want the fic to develop into a mindless display of Bronze and Geminishipping fanservice and completely ignore the truth: that two boys were kidnapped, held against their will (exempting the Stockholm Syndrome), and repeatedly raped and beaten. Honestly, I came into the fic cautious and ready to hit the abort button. But you completely defied my expectations and made captors that had depth and purpose to their actions, however wrong they may still be, and portrayed Marik and Bakura as fully aware of their situation, why it is not OK, and why leaving is not an option for them.
But over everything else, I am just fascinated by what you are doing with Akefia. When AMOF started, I really thought that he would be the boys' biggest adversary, but I'm starting to understand that he is just as trapped as they are. Trapped by Mariku, and trapped by himself. He wants to protect himself and not be arrested. He wants to protect Bakura and make him happy. He seems to know that what he is doing is wrong, gross even, and that he has betrayed Bakura and made him miserable, but he just can't control the things that he feels around Bakura. It's fascinating to watch the way that he both protects Bakura and hurts him, and how he himself is so hurt by what he does. You've made such a complex character out someone who could have just been a mindless villain, and I find it applause worthy.
I probably have more to say on him, but my brain is fried from studying, so maybe I'll wait until the second part of this story comes out to continue. For now I'll leave with saying that I like how Bakura is being a little bit snarky around his Uncle, but is still obviously vulnerable when it's just the two of them, and I'm excited to see how much more can be revealed about their relationship when the next part to this comes out.
| Duchess HT chapter 1 . 6/19/2013
For having trouble getting Bakura to talk to you, you've captured his voice really well. It's distinct from Marik's, and it suits him.
Now that I think of it, and having read "Uncle", Akefia is now the most confusing character to me. He seems to have some semblance of a conscience left (not that it's an excuse), and some of his actions can be explained as him considering himself the lesser of two evils, doing crappy things to prevent Mariku from doing something even worse...but then there are times when he's still completely awful and Mariku isn't even around (particularly when he's watching them while Mariku's in jail). It seems incongruous, and I'm not sure just what to make of him.
...And then I remember he's still a child molester and wonder why I expect better from him.
| NormalAddict chapter 1 . 6/15/2013
Gosh I love how you implemented Akefia's guilt. It's how it reminds me of the PM, but indeed... The guilt would be too much. Bakura plays in on it, which I think is very powerful. Because, indeed, Akefia prioritizes everything above Bakura and I love how he's pointing that out. The spanking was... Well. Indeed censored enough and there are a multitude of reasons why I disagree with corporal punishment (especially in teens indeed). It's just so sexual, and fits into this fic perfectly. What was most poignant was the fact that Akefia admits to Bakura that he was not old enough for that. He knows it's wrong, obviously, but for him to actually tell Bakura was very very interesting.
The ending was wonderful. I love how he eventually just breaks down because no matter how much he loves Bakura, in the end he realizes that he is sick, and this shouldn't happen. Maybe those like Mariku are indeed better off, as they don't even realize the mistakes they make. Wonderful one(two?)-shot really.
| CursiveBlade13 chapter 1 . 6/12/2013
Poor Bakura...so bad...so much pain...
But I'm intrigued to see just how Bakura handles this. I was excited to see the story, even a small part, through his eyes.
| ILikeInappropriateThings chapter 1 . 6/9/2013
Ermergawd, I love you in that fangirly-way that people always say they love people y'know?
First of, I adore you for making this, and actually looking up alchohol percentages and such online, that is commitment man. (And in no way sarcastic, though it sounds like it to my ears right now)
I know fanfics aren't always the most realistic, but I once saw one, in which the main character downed 4 bottles of vodka and just got a bit of a buzz. What is he? - Legolas? .
It was a very good drunk scene (Is that a thing?) very realistic! And a nice hangover too, though I've been blessed with wonderful genes from both my parents, who don't get hungover, lol. So I don't either, wee!
I wish I could figure Akefia out though, because at one hand, he's a swell guy man, all caring and attentive and then...Well, there's the whole child molestation problem, your everyday thing.
And I sort NEED to know more about Bakura's past, pweeaaase, hopefully there'll be more in next chapter, eeeeh. Kind of wanted to give Akefia a kidney punch and a huggle for crying, then sent his ass to jail, if that makes sense.
Aghfgvbhjth I wish I could write more actually helpful stuff, but I can't, I just want to tell you that you're good and stuff. It sucks that summer hasn't probably begun for you though, it finally has here, so I'll be on the porch, having a beer and enjoying drinking expensive piss, in yo face Bakura!
| 123 chapter 1 . 6/6/2013
Loved it, I like how we finally got see into bakuras mind even though it didn't reveal much really, I wonder wats going on with his uncle though so please hurry and updaate :) xx
| LittleMissSinister chapter 1 . 6/5/2013
Yes! A spanking scene. I actually liked it, even if the 'child abuse' aspect of it was, as you said, kind of weird. I just feel awful for Akefia. Poor, messed up Akefia. But why did Bakura say he hates the fact Marik lives with him now? That was really confusing... Doesn't Bakura like Marik?
Akefia seems to be annoyed whenever Bakura mentions Marik, for some reason. And I'm super curious to find out what Akefia's job is. I have the feeling it involves drugs or something. Another thing I'm interested in is whatever happened to Bakura before Marik came. I hope you elaborate on that in an upcoming update.
| xXAnachronIsmEpsIceXx chapter 1 . 6/5/2013
Tch yeah, Bakura's totally immortal or something, so I won't hold the obscenely high BAL against you; well, at least I think he's immortal...ish. I mean, it's not the writers would make him go through the whole series using the term 'mortal' as if it were synonymous or as insulting as the term 'proletariat' if he were still mortal himself...right? Heh, after thinking that, I just started thinking about this comedy sketch from Key and Peele on Comedy Central called 'School Bully', which was basically a fairly...realistic take on the motives of bullies, and the part where the bully calls the guy on the stairs a faggot, and the kid asks 'hey man, why do you gotta go there?', and then the bully gets into this intense, somber explanation about how he's started having sexual fantasies about his male classmates and that he's using the name-calling to make himself feel more secure [you should watch it, the skit's funny in a sardonic way. Well, that and Key and Peele are comedic balls of awesomeness. You can find skits on Youtube if you're curious. :D] ...now what if Bakura [we're still talking about canon Bakura, b-t-dubs] went around calling people mortals because he was insecure about his own mortality?
...I have no idea how I got that off-track, really. xD Anyway, I was sort of amused by the fact that you made Bakura piss-drunk in this chapter...ish? Anyway, don't worry, Bakura's a bitch to me too. I've actually been attempting to write fanfiction for Yu-Gi-Oh as of late, but I seriously can't get him to seem right...but then again, that sort of joking take I took about Bakura calling others 'mortals' throughout the series sort of gave me an idea on a drabble I could write in the future...seriously though, I always find that characters that aren't mine are hard to write for. Well, it's not hard to come up with the writing, it's just the self-consciousness I feel afterwards, I guess. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I feel like you've portrayed your Bakura very well in this two-shot; it's nice to be able to get inside of his head now.
And now, time for my somewhat obligatory rant aimed at the lovely Akefia: Fucking aye, dear, do you realise how easy it would be to get Bakura and yourself out of this once and for all?! Fuck Marik, he can take care of himself; you have presented yourself with a golden-fucking-opportunity here! Throw your cellphone in a garbage can, buy a new one, get a couple boxes of hair-dye, dance your Egyptian ass across the border to Canada, and go work in some illegal still out in the middle of bum-fuck-Egypt [no pun intended] for Christ's sake! ...Tch, if it were that easy, this story wouldn't be half as fun though. ;D I really do like Akefia though, he really does care about Bakura. If he didn't, he wouldn't have...punished him for downing all of that beer, and he certainly wouldn't have stayed home at the risk of the quality of his...'work' to care for the little shit [I am saying that in the most affectionate way, mind you. x3]. And he definitely wouldn't have taken Bakura with him in the first place if he didn't genuinely care for him...unless he was a selfish bastard who just needed someone to fuck while he was out of town. In that case though, he wouldn't have hesitated the night before Bakura got drunk, when they were in bed together; he would have just fucked him. The sort of reluctance Akefia showed when he told Bakura to lay over his knee also said a lot too; I mean, it's not like a parent wants to spank their kid. See, I think that's the difference between corporal punishment and abuse; with corporal punishment, it's supposed to be a reprimand, to show the child that their are consequences for his actions. It should be done with a clear head, devoid any anger, because when you do it while you're angry, then you're just taking your frustrations out on him, and it's done with malicious intent.
Now to address the spanking: ...Is it bad of me to find your discomfort and reluctance to write about corporal punishment- despite the fact this story contains kidnapping, starvation, torture, and child pornography -to be fucking hilarious? I suppose it doesn't bother me as much because I was raised in a community where corporal punishment was acceptable [hell, the school board would even give parents the option to allow the school principal to spank their child when needed. Seriously, they sent waivers or release papers home at the beginning of every year.]. ...Then again, there were a lot of things that were deemed 'okay' there. It was Northern Florida afterall, the part less-influenced by the old fogies who migrate to the Keys post-retirement. Of course though, everything has a limit, and I think the whole 'pulling down your pants' part can be defined as a limit. I can't imagine how humiliating that would be, even if no one was around other than yourself and said spank-er.
Anyway, I suppose this is the part where I apologize for the obscenely long review and tell you that this two-shot is fucking awesome so far...and maybe just a little apology for the coarse language and odd-as-hell terms littered throughout my review, now that I look back on it. I'll do everything but the last, though; sorry for the obscenely long review, sorry I didn't get to post it at 7 this morning like I wanted to, I am actually pleased with how well this is written so far; in my opinion, anyway. Sorry that you're having an uncomfortable time writing as Bakura, and I wish I could help. I feel for ya, brosephine. ;w;
| 13579Marik chapter 1 . 6/5/2013
Bakura's such a bitch haha then again he was seperated from Marik so he has a slight reason. We had the same problem with weather in Chicago except its warmer now still raining a lot but some sun.
| A2463 chapter 1 . 6/5/2013
love it! Please continue! Really love it!