|Reviews for My Precious People|
| WildGamer chapter 32 . 8/31
Considering I spent the good part of the day reading most of this fanfic, I suppose I should leave a review...
The story has an interesting concept and you've done relatively well writing it (if you didn't, I wouldn't have kept reading) but there are definitely some aspects that could be improved. I'm not trying to go after your or anything; this is just some constructive criticism that I think could help you improve your writing. So take it as you will.
First off, the good. Like I said before, this story has a really good concept going for it. Naruto, for all his endless love and support of the people he cares for, has been scarred terribly because Sakura spurned him. And despite having achieved it all - hokage, a wife, family, friends and Sasuke - he's still hurt by that event and the experiences that followed it. Naruto is such an interesting story because of how things could be so different if anything changed, and this story delves into that well. The story works well as a fanfiction with easily identifiable but powerful plot lines. Simple is best. You actually could have ended it after Naruto discovers Hikaru's parentage and it would've felt complete. You're continuing it, which is cool, but you don't want to lose the main aspects of your story - the Uzumaki family. Naruto overcoming the darkness and pain of his 8 years of self-exile, Hinata growing past her insecurities to walk beside, and not behind, Naruto (great line btw) and Hikari diffusing his hatred towards Sakura for her perceived abandonment.
In your more recent chapters that has become the focus again (Naruto vs. Tsunade, Hikaru's confrontation with Sakura, Hinata standing up to Naruto and confronting him not sharing things with her) which is good, but before that things were dragging on a bit as it became too much of a slice-of-life story.
I'd suggest you focus on the emotional aspects of this story. Even though Naruto is a traditional shonen manga that thrives off its battles, this story is much stronger off the emotional strife. The whole conflict with Gideon and the Minai Seigi is, tbh, far less interesting. It's great as a backdrop and a plot element that explains Naruto's psyche, but is far out-shined by the emotional strings of this story. Naruto losing control and hospitalizing Tsunade, only to reveal that it hurts him so much because he sees her as a mother figure - that's amazing. I didn't care for Hikaru as a character until I saw that he still had deep resentment towards Sakura and was almost willing to kill her. You haven't really gone into his psyche or pain since Naruto and Hinata got married, so to see that he still feels like Sakura hates him, or that he still wants to know why Sakura abandoned him... that made his character engaging. At this point in the story, Naruto is already ridiculously strong, so just making him fight enemies that are even more ridiculous is just like... "okay". And they're all OC's, so you have to make them doubly interesting since what invites readers in the first place is to read about already established canon characters. I'm not saying "don't write about these guys" or "scrap them", just be aware of the strengths and focus of your story and keep that as a priority.
As for writing style... I highly suggest that you cut down on your time shifts. And by that I mean writing:
*X number of days after Naruto has done Y*
*Meanwhile, at location X*
among others. You invite the reader to the world that you've created, and keep them engaged in its universe and story. Constantly alerting readers about a flashback or time skips really pull them out of that engagement. It's not a part of the story, it's a header - and it pulls us out of the chapter. If you notice a lot of published fiction never use *flashback* or *X days after*. They blend it in with the story. Instead of saying *X days since naruto left for Kiri* you could write something like... "Hinata sighed as she took her freshly baked muffins out of the oven. It had been a week since Naruto had left on his visit to Kiri - and although she was still upset at him she still missed him" The same information is given to the reader through the story. The flashbacks, too, could be toned down. Most of them could have just happened sequentially. The flashback should be really important, powerful, or both - you're forcibly pulling the reader out of the moment, so it should be for a good reason.
Anyway, that's just my thoughts. Normally I don't spend time going over people's work unless they're good friends, but idk... you treated me to an interesting fanfiction. Hopefully this finds you well.
I was going to leave this review anonymous, but considering the size... I'll log in so you can find me if you have any questions. Ugh, I haven't used my fanfiction account in like 8 years... wonder if i remember my password?
P.S. I really like the contrast between Naruto and Sasuke right now. Sasuke spent his life in the darkness, living off hatred and anger. He was saved by Naruto and wants to take the path of happiness and love. He can trust again. Naruto is the opposite. He spent his life with an positive attitude, and looked to the light even when he had a life in darkness. But having his heart crushed has made him darker, cynical, and unable to completely believe in what he used to preach. He's still a good guy at his base, but he's constantly fighting off those dark feelings - and if he lets go, even for a little bit, you see the result. His enemies are brutally annihilated and his friends are hurt. One push could put him back on that dark path. Sasuke is essentially Naruto's check - If naruto goes off to the dark side, Sasuke is the only one powerful enough to bring him back. They've always been treated as equals in the series, so hopefully Sasuke can reach Naruto's power level again. It's always been an interesting dynamic.
| JSemillano chapter 32 . 8/30
oh no ! hope nothing happenned to sakura.
btw i love the story its well written . . its amazing?dont know how to describe it :)
i thought hikaru's real mother was hinata and then revelation comes . . . - wow ur good!
update soon please _
| Just Retribution chapter 32 . 8/29
We discussed it once, and I still stand by what I said. Let the poor woman find some peace...please! The way you left things this chapter; I can see it playing out how I suggested, but it's you, and I know better than to think I've managed to predict anything when it comes to your writing. The...pre-sex scene?...was gold. Coupled with Hikaru overhearing his parents, oh gawd.
Tense doesn't begin to describe how this story feels, and when Sasuke finds out God help anyone in his way. I'm also glad to see Naruto's walls are starting to come down, and Hinata eased up on him. I still feel like she doesn't entirely understand his burden, and I look forward to those discussions when he lays it all bare. Maybe she'll realize her husband is more complicated than what she originally imagined.
Looking forward to your next update, and I appreciate the review you left for me. It's great to be back!
| Vivi chapter 32 . 8/23
No sé si hablas español, pero igual escribiré en este idioma. Amo tu fic, me encanta. Cuando comencé a leerlo me resultó familiar y fue cuando me di cuenta que estaba inspirado en otro, uno de mis favoritos.
Espero que actualices pronto y que no hayas tenido problemas con el idioma (soy buena leyendo inglés, pero un asco redactando)
| Sunrise moon 2 chapter 32 . 8/20
The beginning was funny, thank goodness Hikaru got out while he could. Naruto had a dumb reason for not being with Hinata.
That part with Sakura and Hikaru, ooh the tension. I kinda feel bad for Sakura (especially now that I know that she's in danger after she volunteered to go on the mission).
| OGAFazer89AC chapter 32 . 8/19
Ok, before this, it was just a feeling, but now I'm sure: I really don't like Hikaru.
The chapter is good, though. It's always pleasant to read a new chapter of this fic.
I really liked the part with Hiashi and the girls. Poor man, he's the target of not one, but three Cupid... things can't possibly end well for him.
| Arcana37210 chapter 32 . 8/18
Phew...Now MY neck hairs stand on end. No kidding!
That's a superb chapter you delivered there. I especially like the chance meeting of Sakura and Hikaru. And I rarely ever read a main supporting character walking into a trap the reader knows of so well done as the one right here. Really, it gave me the chills! And what an evil cliffhanger...
In the view of that, the moment between Sasuke and Sakura near the end was bittersweet and sad. There haven't been that many scenes with those two in your story, so it was a bit unfamiliar and brought some 'fresh wind' with it as well.
I thought Hiashi's reaction to the notion of finding a person to share his life with seemed a little unrealistic, since that issue probably hasn't been brought up to him for a very long time - if ever. So him not reacting even a little bit angry initially...
But then again, Hyuuga are brought up to analyze and calculate before feeling, probably even more so during the time of Hiashi's childhood ,so it might be I'm viewing this from a normal angle too much.
I really do wonder what Hiashi's early days were like, come to think of it...
And well, "glossed"...is that slang? Because the literal meaning doesn't make much sense in that sentence (when Hiashi gives the list his daughters gave him a lookover).
This was without a doubt one of your best chapters yet, in my opinion! Please write more soon!
| iguevara chapter 32 . 8/17
Wow! Seriously can't wait for the next chapter. I really am enjoying this story, and thank you for always having a recommendation for other stories to read! Hope your next chapter comes out soon
| xHinaLovex chapter 32 . 8/16
So I already had a lot to say after finally getting to read through this whole chapter, but then I got to your end note and I literally squealed I was so excited. I wondered why I had been getting more follows and favorites in the past week! Thank you thank you thank you!
First of all, poor Hikaru. That was a super traumatizing night! First overhearing his parents and then confronting Sakura... that's a lot for a kid to handle. I was wondering if you were going to have a talk between Hikaru and Sakura at some point and the way it happened was very good. I also liked how his father and uncle Sasuke can relate to his hatred and am eager to hear what they have to say to him about it. It's nice that their pain can help prevent someone precious to them not go down the same path. Hopefully.
I also kind of appreciated what Hikaru to,d Dakura at the end, even if it was harsh. The part about getting his good parts from Hinata because she raised him. You had mentioned before how you were trying to get Naruto to start including Hinata more because although he loved her and had married her, he was still living separately from her in a lot of ways. I felt like she and Hikaru have drifted similarly in he last bit of the story. At the beginning, it was just the two of them and she and Hikaru were both shunned. She did something truly selfless and really loved him as her own and although I was ridiculously happy when Hikaru finally found out who his father was, it felt like she and Hikaru started to drift a bit after that.
What with her being a little scary with the pregnancy and teaching his class at the academy and kind of creeping him out when he realized her similarities as a child to Reira, they haven't been quite like they were. And I know kids go through phases and he's had a bit of an emotional roller coaster kind of past months, but they went through something special together and it was nice to see him appreciating that bond more in his conversation with Sakura.
And I was not reading too much into it thinking that Sakura would go! Oh man, this will certainly be interesting. On the one hand, she is really starting to grow and heal and make amends and she is both eager to prove herself to Naruto and I think to herself. On he other hand, she really pissed off that presence inside her head and his might be a good opportunity for it to get back. This will surely be somewhat a battle of wills!
Although it was kind of strange to see Team Seven interacting pretty well, considering the circumstances, I think it was a great way to show how they have all been working on healing. Everyone on that team is so damaged in various ways and I like how you portray them as working on themselves while simultaneously living heir crazy lives.
Anyway, this was incredible as always. You more than deserve all those reviews and views and whatnot. This is a truly amazing story!
Also, one more thank you, though I'll never be able to say it as much as I think it!
| Koneko chapter 32 . 8/15
Can I just say that I LOVE this story? I have read a ton of fanfiction, and I have only written about 5 reviews. This is the best NaruHina fanfic that I've read. It honestly feels like it's canon material. I can't wait until you post the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 32 . 8/15
So I just finished the last chapter and I can say the story is really good and your writing too ..keep up the good work please ..
Can I ask a favor ..I never saw Hinata sparing with Naruto. .I want those 2 to fight in a scene even if it's just a training. .please. ..im sure Naruto want to see how strong his wife can be ...after the birth of twins of course. ...
| Solvdrage chapter 32 . 8/14
Well...crap. That's a brutal cliffhanger. Great story.
And I know all about write'rs block. It is the enemy of us all!
| ZodiacBirdy chapter 32 . 8/14
Oh I loved that chapter! To me there wasn't a dull moment. The beginning was so funny(a squeamish Naruto brought on by a horny Hinata is just to good). Poor Hikaru. I really liked the interaction between Hikaru and Sakura it was really emotional. I loved the scene where Sakura was packing! Sasuke was so sweet and cute. I thinks that most affectionate he's been in this story to her. It was so adorable I loved it. And that ending! It's got me pumped for the next chapter! Great job, you're awesome!
| ninakif18 chapter 14 . 8/14
So far reading the story I somehow know that the mother is sakura but still o was really disappointed. ..really cuz this mean that Sakura and Naruto hade sex ...anyway Naruto doesn’t have any reason to be mad at Hinata he must love her more for that even if she didn't tell him the truth. ..why simply cuz it's his fault 50 % like Sakuras too ...r
Really live the village and wanted to die because of some stupid woman ...Naruto wold never do that. ..when if he was really badly heart. ..
Maybe if the child was hunger it wold be lot easier for Hinata to tell something to Naruto I'f he was in the village at the first place. ...I can totally understand Hinatas reasons and fears and she is right ...cuz I know how it is to have an adopted child ...
And as for Hinata she is really ooc ...she wold told about his son
| Otaku97 chapter 32 . 8/13
I really hope that Gideon doesn't get his hands on Sakura
She really has a lot to deal with already even without her alter ego and if she gets brainwashed that ego is most likely going to take over the body
The aftermath of that would probably destroy her even more than what has happened
I know you want her to go through the character redemption thing but I really really hope that you dont pile more crap on her plate
Don't get me wrong
What she did in your story is bad
But she really is trying her best and she needs help and closure with everything
Not to mention why kakashi hasn't told tsunade about how reira felt about sakura's chakra
You probably just use it to make an even bigger problem even if (and a big if) Sakura is not brainwashed
Alter ego is strong enough to take over Nyx when she tries her brainwashing stuff or something and super mienai seigi genjutsu and brain stuff user with who knows what else and add in super strength medic to the mix
instant almost OP baddie
Save sakura from her maddness and guilt please