|Reviews for Run, little girl, run|
| lll0 chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
I absolutely love this! It's kinda free verse-y, and I really like the use of the brackets on the third line and the last line. I don't know if this was on purpose, but it felt to me like it wasn't from Roxy's pov, but somebody watching her, then the brackets were her thoughts. I'm not sure they worked as well on the second line, but that's just because, like I said, I felt like the brackets were Roxy's thoughts and the second line wasn't.
I also liked the way you left most of the story to the reader's imagination. It could have gone horribly wrong and left me feeling like wtf? but you made it work. You created such a lovely atmosphere, that I didn't need all the information.
| through tempests chapter 1 . 6/15/2013
This is lovely!
In my head, I'm picturing this as a montage/Roxanne reviewing her life up until this moment and this is the narration in the background. I like this take on their relationship, and I agree with gote below me that the things left unsaid - the things left to our own interpretation - is just as important a the words that have been written. I enjoy the style it's written in, in short.
The only thing I can really point out is a small grammar mistake where after the first parenthesis and the last sentence, you forgot a period inside. But really, that's all I can see in that area.
So, yeah, pretty much this is great and I hope you try this pairing again!
| gote chapter 1 . 6/14/2013
Oh gosh, she's been eaten.
I think this is one of these stories where what's left unsaid is as important as what is actually said, which is what you want from something so short. Like it hints at so much (why'd she leave? why had she stayed? why him? why now?) and the reader can fill in the gaps themselves, or be left wondering and thinking, fuelled by the atmosphere you've created. The atmosphere which is threatening and a little creepy and quite fantastic really. Monster and abyss and chasing -all these words create a theme throughout, and they're interesting compared to the wedding. Perhaps it would have been cool to include some bridal imagery as well, to really contrast these two worlds? But it's your story. ;)
I'm trying to work out if maybe it would have been better without the brackets ( ). I know it's a trend to write like that, but sometimes it's worth pushing past what everyone is doing and say things you're own way -you don't know how good that may turn out to be.
To some extent your punctuation use creates the tempo -the first line especially. As it goes on, though, I'd probably use less commas, more full stops. Mostly because they're more forceful and would pump up the drama that exists and make for a stronger impact. The use of brackets too tends to pull people from the story. You already have the narrating voice talking directly to Roxanne so the brackets are surplus, you don't need them. If it's all one cohesive voice you're more direct and so you're warning her with more immediacy, more force.
"seldom silence of his lips" doesn't actually make sense. I'm not sure if that was just a typo or error of some sort or if you were aiming for poetic and just missed the mark by a little bit (I do that myself sometimes, get all tangled up in metaphors to the point where I'm not actually saying what I want to be saying -or it sounds odd enough to draw the reader out of the story, which is the opposite of what you want).
I think the abruptness of this piece works very well. It finishes with saying that she can't run. Ever again. And I know at least I'm there like DDD: and why?! and in short, this is why I think she's been eaten. By Theodore Nott. The swamp monster. :P
Anyway, this is good, well done. I hope my review didn't come across as harsh, haha. It was just my attempt at being constructive. Feel free to ignore as much of it as you like, it's all just my opinion. :)
Wow, this review has turned out so much longer than the story I'm reviewing. That doesn't happen every day. ;D
| Fire The Canon chapter 1 . 6/13/2013
This was really well written. Short, but sweet, and rather interesting too. I admit that towards the end, I think it was a little TOO short. I get why you did it, but I want questions answered :)
But as I said before, the writing was good nonetheless and it was rather interesting. I think I just prefer things that are a little bit longer.
| TheOtherMaidOfTarth chapter 1 . 6/13/2013
Never thought of this pairing before, but then that's the beauty of challenges, and competitions. I think you do a good job of showing the reader Roxanne's 'cold feet', especially since you write in second person. That's a tricky thing to do and get right. But I do have one question: what do you mean by 'seldom silence of his lips'?
Anyway, I couldn't see any errors, so well done.