|Reviews for Not So Innocent|
| Pure Gamer chapter 3 . 4/9
Again, the only grammar issues I see are in dialogue. Like missing words or the wrong form. "Evolved" instead of "Evolving." Weird! Everything else is written so well, and then the dialogue is botched randomly.
Ahhhh, I absolutely love how this trainer story is so different from the norm. The way he talks and interacts with his Pokemon is awesome.
"They reached in twenty minutes Earl." This sentence actually made me laugh. Lol wut?
In the middle of the chapter, everything got dry and boring and I had to push myself through it. It was worth it, because things got interesting with the Machamp murders, but my fear for this story is that there are going to be a lot of boring parts. I guess that comes with every story though. There have only been a few things that I've read that has successfully been not boring the entire time. But, then again, you could still be trying to figure out the basic tones for this story and trying to find a good balance at this point.
| Pure Gamer chapter 2 . 4/7
Hello again! Wow, I feel like a bad person. Nearly a year ago I read the first chapter of this and enjoyed it, but never returned, practically forgetting about this story. However, lately I've been reading quite a few Fanfics, and this one popped up in my memory as one I should continue. Frankly, I don't know how I forgot about this story, because it's awesome.
I reread the first chapter, here's what I have to say about it:
There are places where you have unneeded commas, and others where you don't have any commas at all. Examples: “A maganium, stood next to him.” I don't see why you need a comma there. I spotted only a few other places where there were similar errors, so it's nothing I would worry about. I trust and respect your writing abilities.
You have a lot of short sentences. They look almost like fragments. Of course, this could be style choice. This only stood out to me at the beginning of the chapter, but after reading more and getting acquainted with your work, this really didn’t bother me at all and I enjoyed the smaller sentences. Especially later in the chapter when things became action-filled and suspenseful. Plus, usually I'm telling people their sentences are way too long (And, as you're aware of, that is one of my problems when I write) so it was nothing if not refreshing to see a change of pace.
I saw errors such as: “I’ll Jeb to the center,” Molly said—and again when she’s talking later, “Always go with one them, okay?” and quite a few others I spotted. Only in dialogue, though, which is odd. Although "Jebbing to the center" sounds like it could be fun, I don't think that's what you meant to say, haha. Although, since playing LEGO Marvel, I use the term "Johnny Storm" like a verb, and it's hilarious. Well, it amuses me, at least.
I adore the Pokémon in this story! They all have such personalities! No wonder they all need nicknames, they’re all so original and unique. Nicely done with that.
The part where they lured the beedrill to their death was genius, and very entertaining. Had me hooked!
Your transition was very sudden. “The next two days were uneventful.” I suggest that you add some sort of conclusion, or make the transition a bit smoother and more natural, whereas now it just slaps the reader in the face.
Wow, you made Pokémon farm life very intriguing. This concept is beyond cool, and I love the originality. So Vander is the FIRST trainer to get an epic Oak Pokémon, and he’s the one who wrote the Pokédex entries? Yo, that is awesome. I’m loving this. It looks like it was fun to write, and believe me, it was fun to read.
The battle was amazing. Oh hello Brock! Haha. The battle was portrayed in a very realistic (if I can even use that term in a Pokémon Fanfic) way, and I’m jealous at your ability to do that so flawlessly! In fact, a lot of this is portrayed in a realistic way. Like Vander wanting to get an actual job, one that also helped his Pokémon train.
I'm very impressed, and I apologize for not continuing reading. You've got my support from now on, and I plan to read and review the rest of this over time. Keep up the good work, keep writing!
| Y-ko chapter 2 . 3/16
You need to be a lot more dynamic and descriptive when it comes to depicting the action in combat. Rather than saying what a Pokemon did, describe how they did it. "Firebrand didn't have time to block. Onix slammed into her." What did it look like when he hit? What did it sound like? Was there a crunching of gravel, squeals of pain? That's just one example; I'm on my phone, so I can explain more later if you're interested. Also, you shouldn't be splitting your paragraphs to only have one or two sentences apiece. It doesn't look dramatic, it chops up the action and makes movements seem disconnected from one another.
| Guest chapter 19 . 10/23/2014
I was hoping you would update soon. That was a long chapter and it progressed the story quite well. However, trying to make a mystery out of the stolen bones doesn't really make sense, as we all know exactly how and who stole them. Mystery stories are only good when you keep the reader guessing, not just the characters in the story. I would also try to vary your phrasing a bit more. For instance, I think you have the phrase "toothy grin" in like the last 4 chapters, multiple times a chapter. I would use that phrase once maybe twice a story.
| Vallavarayan chapter 19 . 10/23/2014
When will he get the Luxio?
| Pure Gamer chapter 1 . 6/15/2014
This story, so far, is epic. So much epicness. And the writing is practically flawless; and it flows marvelously. Not to mention how interested I became in the story only after reading a few lines! Nicely done.
Keep up the good work, keep writing!
| Aloxamax chapter 16 . 5/6/2014
For the story: hopefully you'll take it easy on the tragedy.
For the Pokemon: I think that making them just as expressive as humans without making it seem as if they can actually speak is the best way to go about it. Some of the charm of Pokemon is lost when you suddenly see them speaking english (even if it's just between them).
| Y-ko chapter 1 . 4/15/2014
You know you can use more than one sentence per paragraph, even during an action scene, right?
| saish sawant chapter 15 . 4/14/2014
This chapter was a let down, normally I love your work. Chapters 1-14 were amazing but the 15th chapter I found to be very robotic and rushed. I think you should've added more details and the battling scene needed some work. I'm sorry if the review sounds whiney and bitchy that's not my intention at all hope my review was helpful and your story still rocks!
| One Fine Daze chapter 14 . 2/22/2014
I think you hit all your goals for this chapter pretty well. You would think Agatha would be a bitch and Oak an encouraging mentor. The thing I've noticed about your writing is that it has a lot of filler in it. You write details that don't matter much or progress the story. It seems you have a big picture of what's going on in this world and I applaud you for that but we don't need the story drawn out to the point that it bores us even as dramatic things are going on. Just try asking yourself if you were telling a friend this story would you mention this detail or does this detail provide useful information, if not you should reconsider putting it in.
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/11/2014
I loved the story do far. Vegas death was sad but it died in a heroic way. Vander thank god is not to angsty but it feels like Vegas death has affected him. Hope you update the story soon
| Vallavarayan chapter 14 . 2/1/2014
Hope cosmo becomes an umbreon- only logical choice dark Togo against ghost... And will he catch an abra?
| Espeonage Espeon chapter 13 . 11/18/2013
Well, I don't know why you wanted my opinions. You are definitely a better author than I. This story is insanely awesome. Completely epic.
Vega's death did cause me some emotional duress, yes, but not as much as I think you were hoping for. I understand the need for that type of character. I call them Death Foils, but that's a bit morbid.
You pulled off Vander's guilt factor marvelously. The whole "It was my fault" thing is, while not true, an accurate description of what one in that situation feels. I should know; it sucks. Of course, there's also the "It should've been me" stage, but I expect you'll have that covered.
Alright, so I actually do have a few bits of advice. Firstly, do not let Vander overcome his sadness too quickly. That kind of guilt and despair takes a very long time to dissipate. On the flip side, don't let him become too engrossed in darkness. A dark and moody character is not where I think you want Vander going.
Secondly, it's as Vander said. "I could never understand you well enough." This means that any amount of "You are the cause of my best friend's death" is not justified. It's very, VERY hard to form attachments to beings one cannot understand. Still, Vega was his pokemon.
I think that's about it. Hope this helped!
| danmatt chapter 13 . 11/14/2013
I really appreciate that, despite being a story of a boy's journey for revenge, the protagonist doesn't seem to be overly angsty about his past. On that note, the target of his revenge seems like a pretty interesting guy. I got the impression that he isn't even a human with the note about his face "warping." I also thought his naming was pretty funny with Mr. Winkles and maybe Pinkie. My only real complaint is that sometimes the battles drag on a bit, but that really only applies to the earlier chapters (up through the tournament.)
Anyways, I'll be looking forward to when you continue this story. Thanks for writing!
| MikariStar chapter 13 . 10/2/2013
The concept of the story is interesting and original. I like how it's going, the characters are well developed too :)