|Reviews for Not So Innocent|
| Y-ko chapter 1 . 4/15
You know you can use more than one sentence per paragraph, even during an action scene, right?
| saish sawant chapter 15 . 4/14
This chapter was a let down, normally I love your work. Chapters 1-14 were amazing but the 15th chapter I found to be very robotic and rushed. I think you should've added more details and the battling scene needed some work. I'm sorry if the review sounds whiney and bitchy that's not my intention at all hope my review was helpful and your story still rocks!
| One Fine Daze chapter 14 . 2/22
I think you hit all your goals for this chapter pretty well. You would think Agatha would be a bitch and Oak an encouraging mentor. The thing I've noticed about your writing is that it has a lot of filler in it. You write details that don't matter much or progress the story. It seems you have a big picture of what's going on in this world and I applaud you for that but we don't need the story drawn out to the point that it bores us even as dramatic things are going on. Just try asking yourself if you were telling a friend this story would you mention this detail or does this detail provide useful information, if not you should reconsider putting it in.
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/11
I loved the story do far. Vegas death was sad but it died in a heroic way. Vander thank god is not to angsty but it feels like Vegas death has affected him. Hope you update the story soon
| Vallavarayan chapter 14 . 2/1
Hope cosmo becomes an umbreon- only logical choice dark Togo against ghost... And will he catch an abra?
| Espeonage Espeon chapter 13 . 11/18/2013
Well, I don't know why you wanted my opinions. You are definitely a better author than I. This story is insanely awesome. Completely epic.
Vega's death did cause me some emotional duress, yes, but not as much as I think you were hoping for. I understand the need for that type of character. I call them Death Foils, but that's a bit morbid.
You pulled off Vander's guilt factor marvelously. The whole "It was my fault" thing is, while not true, an accurate description of what one in that situation feels. I should know; it sucks. Of course, there's also the "It should've been me" stage, but I expect you'll have that covered.
Alright, so I actually do have a few bits of advice. Firstly, do not let Vander overcome his sadness too quickly. That kind of guilt and despair takes a very long time to dissipate. On the flip side, don't let him become too engrossed in darkness. A dark and moody character is not where I think you want Vander going.
Secondly, it's as Vander said. "I could never understand you well enough." This means that any amount of "You are the cause of my best friend's death" is not justified. It's very, VERY hard to form attachments to beings one cannot understand. Still, Vega was his pokemon.
I think that's about it. Hope this helped!
| danmatt chapter 13 . 11/14/2013
I really appreciate that, despite being a story of a boy's journey for revenge, the protagonist doesn't seem to be overly angsty about his past. On that note, the target of his revenge seems like a pretty interesting guy. I got the impression that he isn't even a human with the note about his face "warping." I also thought his naming was pretty funny with Mr. Winkles and maybe Pinkie. My only real complaint is that sometimes the battles drag on a bit, but that really only applies to the earlier chapters (up through the tournament.)
Anyways, I'll be looking forward to when you continue this story. Thanks for writing!
| MikariStar chapter 13 . 10/2/2013
The concept of the story is interesting and original. I like how it's going, the characters are well developed too :)
| Guest chapter 13 . 9/26/2013
This story is awesome! The fight scenes are detailed and cleverly made and the characters are well developed and have relatable personalities. Although, I was sad when vega died it the way it died after saving its trainer was really emotional and made me see it a lot differently. Best story ive read in a while. KEEP WRITING! :-)
| One Fine Daze chapter 12 . 9/21/2013
Okay, I've read through the entire story so far which is an accomplishment as I usually drop a story after one small thing annoys me. The action and story line are good, however I would like to see more character development. You mention a few times about Vander being an angry person. And vaguely have him mention that he is going for "HIM!" But the rest of Vander's actions don't really give me the impression he was hurt in the past and angry. It is only briefly mentioned in dialogue. Other than that I would like to have the mood of the story change more. It seems to be a similar pace the whole way through. Where you would expect scenes taking place in the spirit world would have a vastly different tone than scenes in Brock's gym. Does that make sense?
| Aloxamax chapter 12 . 9/10/2013
The concept of your story is nothing new, but it is well done and has been so far very enjoyable. Though I might be a bit biased as my favourite Pokemon is Charizard.
| zelcore chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
I like the story, how its a bit darker and there's good action within it. This is a great start and I am looking forward to reading more of it. However I do have some constructive criticism:
First, I think this chapter is a bit too lengthy, almost 7000 words is pushing it for the chapter. I suggest that you split it up into two chapters, the first chapter could be from the introduction to the first mob attack so that way it ends on some action and it seems like somewhat of a good spot to end the chapter. The second chapter could lead right off from the end of the conversation through to the end of the chapter, so that both chapters end on some action.
My second suggestion is to go through and see what can be taken out, there are only a few sections that can be taken out because they don't really add as much to the chapter, (in my opinion the lunch scene, I saw it as a kind of calm-before-the-storm and the work in the field prior to that kind of fit that feeling as well.). However I do like how you are using anthromorphism to give the pokemon more intelligence and more depth.
Thirdly, I also think that you should go through and proofread the chapter again, for the most part your grammar usage is correct however I did see a few typos, and missing words. The other thing that I might work on is some of the dialogue, it seems kind of static flat but that's ok my dialogue is like that to I think its something a writer develops over time.
Overall this is a really good start to a story, I like how it is action-packed for the most part, (though a bit lengthy.) I am looking forward to reading more and see how this turns out. I'm really interested in seeing how dark these pokemon can get and what else you are going to do. I really liked that the weepinbells were carniverous and that you foreshadowed their use in the beginning of the chapter. Great start and great job writing!
P.S. If you have any questions or need some clarifications don't hesitate to pm me.
| PandaBot3000 chapter 2 . 8/25/2013
Alrighty. Again, stellar battle writing. I loved the inclusion that Flint and Brock were used to Earthquake so they just swayed with it; very nice touch. I also liked the focus on the tunnels as a major factor of the battle.
However, and this is probably just me, I would have liked to have seen more about the training in general. I've got a bit of a fetish for training stuff so yeah, I'd be all over that like flies on a carcass. But it seems like it would have been a good opportunity for building Vander and Firebrand's characters; in particular, their relationship up to this point. Yeah, I don't know what else to say. Looking forward to the next few chapters
| PandaBot3000 chapter 1 . 8/25/2013
Well hello again. I have to say I'm pretty impressed with this. You often read fanfics that do the whole darker, more gritty take on the Pokemon world but it's not often that it feels so...sensible I guess? It's not all scars and 'badassery'. It's life in a world inhabited by powerful creatures that can mess with nature. I like it.
One of the things I brought up in the last review I gave of your writing was the battles and environment etc. Brilliant. I loved it. My personal favourite was the carnivorous Weepinbell. I have never seen that before but it totally works. Also, the last battle with Firebrand and Honchcrow is excellent. Your awareness of the environment, movement and, particularly, Firebrand's tail is excellent. I'm definitely excited about this story and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. Favorited.
| cromartiefan chapter 3 . 6/27/2013
This is definitely one of the better stories I've read. I'm really looking forward to seeing where you go with this.