|Reviews for Not So Innocent|
| Y-ko chapter 2 . 3/16
You need to be a lot more dynamic and descriptive when it comes to depicting the action in combat. Rather than saying what a Pokemon did, describe how they did it. "Firebrand didn't have time to block. Onix slammed into her." What did it look like when he hit? What did it sound like? Was there a crunching of gravel, squeals of pain? That's just one example; I'm on my phone, so I can explain more later if you're interested. Also, you shouldn't be splitting your paragraphs to only have one or two sentences apiece. It doesn't look dramatic, it chops up the action and makes movements seem disconnected from one another.
| Guest chapter 19 . 10/23/2014
I was hoping you would update soon. That was a long chapter and it progressed the story quite well. However, trying to make a mystery out of the stolen bones doesn't really make sense, as we all know exactly how and who stole them. Mystery stories are only good when you keep the reader guessing, not just the characters in the story. I would also try to vary your phrasing a bit more. For instance, I think you have the phrase "toothy grin" in like the last 4 chapters, multiple times a chapter. I would use that phrase once maybe twice a story.
| Vallavarayan chapter 19 . 10/23/2014
When will he get the Luxio?
| Pure Gamer chapter 1 . 6/15/2014
This story, so far, is epic. So much epicness. And the writing is practically flawless; and it flows marvelously. Not to mention how interested I became in the story only after reading a few lines! Nicely done.
Keep up the good work, keep writing!
| Aloxamax chapter 16 . 5/6/2014
For the story: hopefully you'll take it easy on the tragedy.
For the Pokemon: I think that making them just as expressive as humans without making it seem as if they can actually speak is the best way to go about it. Some of the charm of Pokemon is lost when you suddenly see them speaking english (even if it's just between them).
| Y-ko chapter 1 . 4/15/2014
You know you can use more than one sentence per paragraph, even during an action scene, right?
| saish sawant chapter 15 . 4/14/2014
This chapter was a let down, normally I love your work. Chapters 1-14 were amazing but the 15th chapter I found to be very robotic and rushed. I think you should've added more details and the battling scene needed some work. I'm sorry if the review sounds whiney and bitchy that's not my intention at all hope my review was helpful and your story still rocks!
| One Fine Daze chapter 14 . 2/22/2014
I think you hit all your goals for this chapter pretty well. You would think Agatha would be a bitch and Oak an encouraging mentor. The thing I've noticed about your writing is that it has a lot of filler in it. You write details that don't matter much or progress the story. It seems you have a big picture of what's going on in this world and I applaud you for that but we don't need the story drawn out to the point that it bores us even as dramatic things are going on. Just try asking yourself if you were telling a friend this story would you mention this detail or does this detail provide useful information, if not you should reconsider putting it in.
| Guest chapter 14 . 2/11/2014
I loved the story do far. Vegas death was sad but it died in a heroic way. Vander thank god is not to angsty but it feels like Vegas death has affected him. Hope you update the story soon
| Vallavarayan chapter 14 . 2/1/2014
Hope cosmo becomes an umbreon- only logical choice dark Togo against ghost... And will he catch an abra?
| Espeonage Espeon chapter 13 . 11/18/2013
Well, I don't know why you wanted my opinions. You are definitely a better author than I. This story is insanely awesome. Completely epic.
Vega's death did cause me some emotional duress, yes, but not as much as I think you were hoping for. I understand the need for that type of character. I call them Death Foils, but that's a bit morbid.
You pulled off Vander's guilt factor marvelously. The whole "It was my fault" thing is, while not true, an accurate description of what one in that situation feels. I should know; it sucks. Of course, there's also the "It should've been me" stage, but I expect you'll have that covered.
Alright, so I actually do have a few bits of advice. Firstly, do not let Vander overcome his sadness too quickly. That kind of guilt and despair takes a very long time to dissipate. On the flip side, don't let him become too engrossed in darkness. A dark and moody character is not where I think you want Vander going.
Secondly, it's as Vander said. "I could never understand you well enough." This means that any amount of "You are the cause of my best friend's death" is not justified. It's very, VERY hard to form attachments to beings one cannot understand. Still, Vega was his pokemon.
I think that's about it. Hope this helped!
| danmatt chapter 13 . 11/14/2013
I really appreciate that, despite being a story of a boy's journey for revenge, the protagonist doesn't seem to be overly angsty about his past. On that note, the target of his revenge seems like a pretty interesting guy. I got the impression that he isn't even a human with the note about his face "warping." I also thought his naming was pretty funny with Mr. Winkles and maybe Pinkie. My only real complaint is that sometimes the battles drag on a bit, but that really only applies to the earlier chapters (up through the tournament.)
Anyways, I'll be looking forward to when you continue this story. Thanks for writing!
| MikariStar chapter 13 . 10/2/2013
The concept of the story is interesting and original. I like how it's going, the characters are well developed too :)
| Guest chapter 13 . 9/26/2013
This story is awesome! The fight scenes are detailed and cleverly made and the characters are well developed and have relatable personalities. Although, I was sad when vega died it the way it died after saving its trainer was really emotional and made me see it a lot differently. Best story ive read in a while. KEEP WRITING! :-)
| One Fine Daze chapter 12 . 9/21/2013
Okay, I've read through the entire story so far which is an accomplishment as I usually drop a story after one small thing annoys me. The action and story line are good, however I would like to see more character development. You mention a few times about Vander being an angry person. And vaguely have him mention that he is going for "HIM!" But the rest of Vander's actions don't really give me the impression he was hurt in the past and angry. It is only briefly mentioned in dialogue. Other than that I would like to have the mood of the story change more. It seems to be a similar pace the whole way through. Where you would expect scenes taking place in the spirit world would have a vastly different tone than scenes in Brock's gym. Does that make sense?