|Reviews for Blade of Emptiness, Maelstrom of Honor|
| Lazebe chapter 1 . 2/3/2014
I saw your post on the forums and decided to give this little game a try.
Your story, I think, is very well researched. One part in particular that stood out to me was the line Naruto said to Hinata: "Remember, I am only truly gone from your heart when there are none left that love me." I'm not sure if you know this, but this is one of the main reasons why we celebrate El Dia de Los Muertos in Mexican culture both here in the United States and in Mexico. We go celebrate our loved ones who have passed on and remember them, because we don't want them to experience the third and "final" death which is their loved ones forgetting who they are.
Anyways, I enjoyed your story except I felt Naruto's dialogue was a little forced in the beginning. It made more sense once he became a hollow that he sounded so... upset and dramatic, but before that I felt like he should still be very curt and improper when speaking, even though he was facing his executioner. Otherwise, it sounds like two Sasuke's are talking to one another and that just felt a little weird.
I would have liked if you'd spend a little more time developing Naruto and Hinata's revelation scene because I think you could have written more for it to flesh it out better, though I'm sure you are getting to that in the next couple of chapters. One other thing you may want to look into is this splendid article about body language for writers. If you google it (since I'm sure a link won't work here), type in: 41 flavors of body language for writers. It will show a link called "Omnivoracious" and you can click that. I found it very helpful for my own writing and I revisit it periodically to remind myself how important it is for body language to be written out so that we better understand these characters we write about in these stories.
Anyways, I hope this review was helpful. I'll definitely look into the rest of this story. I hope you didn't feel like I was being to critical or trying to flame you. I only want to help. :) Have a good one.
| Agato - The Hadou Inari chapter 1 . 1/9/2014
Go fuck yourself Kishimoto Cock-Sucker and canon lover.
| kotei no seiryuu chapter 5 . 1/9/2014
Must have new chapter!
| Cansei de Ser Sexy chapter 1 . 1/9/2014
First, sorry about the late, it took more than I thought being available, second, I am as blind as a bat for this fandom, so very insightful characterization from me.
Intriguing beginning, even the first lines could sum it up; [despair, pain, and hurt] as those were at the end what turned him to that monster I can't spell its name. You clearly showed how pain, betrayal and fury would do to someone, making him hallow, with a hole in the middle of where his chest/heart should be. I liked this idea with Hallows, even though it's canon.
The pacing and transition of the scenes were very good, the flashbacks told us a little about the story and what it would be about, who are the bad guys, and who are not, and there were some images I liked; liked how he was chained in the dungeons and it limited his movements, and the way you 'showed' not told us that Kakashi had only one eye, that was a very good story telling, but for the other technical stuff there were some things that I feel need to mention.
First, the use of parenthesis, no. Forgive me I'll be very blunt here, but, an author, unless it's done specifically to 'break the 'fourth wall' should never, ever, talk directly to the audience. It's very amateurish, as you are supposed to tell us the story, not informing about stuff, or chat with us saying [he's a ninja, give me some credit]. If there is something you feel you need to acknowledge or explain, there is always foot notes for that, but not breaking the narrative. I am focusing on this, because, I also found it very distracting. It distracted me from the story.
You also have a shortage with commas, they were missing in some places, so perhaps you should give it a second look. The same thing was applicable with definite articles and prepositions; they were missing out in some places, too.
Cheers, good writing.
| Arimadios chapter 1 . 1/8/2014
*Premise blink* Uh... Uzimaki is Ulquirroa? Hmmmmm... Interesting, Very Interesting. Although, Personally, I would prefer the first impact of a story to be more than four word and an expressive albeit dry sentance. Perhaps illuminate and expand the first segment? Despair, Pain, and Hurt are all very well and good for angsty stories, but... That's all I have to go on to get farther into the story. Little dry.
After mentioning the tenth of october, line break into an execution scene? I understand that it's an anime based fanfiction, but, This is purely constructive criticism here now, but, THat was a premium, perfect place to set up the transformative inner monologues that relaly ALLOW one to tell a story like this - Currently, (Bear in mind, I'm three sections in) It's very forced and heavy handed. This kind of plot advancement is used almost exclusively in novellas, and i personally don't like it, However, it could be a good thing, considering the crossover nature of the story.
"A deadly technique only to (be) used on enemy shinobi" - You missed the word be. Throws the wording. Also: Some fans of, for example, the anime, don't necesarily know Jirachi by the Yondaime. Might want to clairfy.
Sixth Segment: Naruto's character just got Dark!fiction mode. I enjoy it, but some may want to call you out on horrible OOC for Naruto. Which, Dark is VERY OOC for Naurto. The guy is annoyingly upbeat.
*SNIIIIIFFF* Uhg,... Oh gawd... ima cry... Guhhh, Anyway. Hinata and Naruto was always my prefered ship in the naruto fiction. THAT is why. Gods, that was elegantly delievered and beautiful. Maybe you should look into a hurt/comfort fic/ficlet based on those two? I see talent in that segment. Also: That's more the naruto we know.
I like the irony in the "You lack hatred" Line by Naruto. It was ... good. Very good.
"Making the Chidori feel like a Kiss" - Holy snap. That's evocative and very very well worded. I applaud it. But uh... Exploded? That's less than up-to-par with your other descriptions, unless you're just aimming to punch the reader in the face with blunt.
Interesting Premise, good storyline, and well written. I didn't lose my WSOD - Except for that first bit. That was a slog. Sorry. Just being honest.
| Chocolate and Nutella Lover chapter 1 . 1/7/2014
I picked this story because I love Ulquiorra :')
For starters, the story has a very good summary. It easily catches attention and makes you want to know more. Byt then, as tge tory begins... no, let's rephrase that. Throughout all the story you make it confusing to the reader with your writting style. Is not that you are messy, on the contrary, you are too ordered. The changes between italics and normal and the spaces are quite annoying. The story goes at the same time but you divide it none the less. If you still want to divide it, I suggest two to three spaces.
Then, you missed a few words in some sentences and an apostrophy in a few places like thats should be that's. I'm too lazy to rephrase it but you should reread it. That's tge best way you will notice and understand all the critics.
Your author note is too long too but I still read it. This is a challenge so... well, you can say it is but you extend yourself too much.
Even so; I liked it. The idea of Sasuke being the bad guy, Hinata being there for Naruto, I even think Naruto's friends weren't there because they didn't agree. I love Ulquiorra like I said before and this is the first time I see someone change this way in a cross over do is not a cliché. Good luck.
| TheMagicManWithThePlan chapter 5 . 1/3/2014
I really do like the way you created Naruto's character to be grinded in with the Espada's. I'm interested if Ulquiorra will get any stronger then what he already is. I understand that he is a pretty heavy hitter, but what I've seen from Naruto Manga, he really isn't quite up to par as of yet because the biggest hitters have to many advantages and are to diverse for Ulquiorra to stay... Ulquiorra in a sense. He would need some point of power boosting and I would imagine that would be a perfect opportunity to begin merging the Character of Naruto and Ulquiorra into one. This is all my opinion however so you should be happy to know that I will enjoy this fan fiction whichever path you take it. As long as the writing remains exceptional and you keep your semblance of story line and stray away from; fan service; I think this story will turn out well!
| Guest chapter 3 . 12/24/2013
The NaruHina part just completely destroys any credibility this story has. I'm sorry, but its completely true.
So Naruto basically "Loves" her after she was apparently the only one that had any good shit to say to him. Thats not love. That's his only fucking choice. He doesn't even know her. Go find a nice little hollow in Hueco Mundo, Naruto.
Shes a coward. The rest are fucking weak-minded little pieces of shit(According to you anyway).
Now, to get this outta the way, I do hate Naru/Hina. The only way it works in any conceivable way in my mind is if its done from the very start, and shes not some timid little coward with no self-respect.
The character development on stories like these are complete shit, with no reason, and no conceivable sense.
I'm not even going to go into the fact that Ulquiorra would completely rape-stomp every single Naruto character, with the exception of maybe Madara(not sure, haven't seen enough of him, yet). Hes faster than all of them, with the exception of Minato, but even then Ulquiorra is so good with Pesquisa that he could sense where Minato is/appears with no problem whatsoever, and hes definitely physically faster than Minato. Haven't mentioned his ridiculous healing rate yet, which makes even an Edo Tensei look slow.
He would stomp Nagato/Pein into the ground. Itachi wouldn't stand a chance. Tobi would probably last the longest simply because of Kamui.
I really don't mean for this to sound so overbearing, but seriously, its all I ever see on this site, nowadays.
Learn to set up a foundation, before you just puke out an idea, even though this is a challenge.
| Illuviar chapter 5 . 12/22/2013
| Illuviar chapter 1 . 12/22/2013
| Infamous Storm chapter 5 . 12/13/2013
So... overall, here's what I liked:
1) I like the overall mix between Naruto and Ulquiorra. They really do feel like two people meshed.
2) Hinata is pretty cool here. I like her
3) You're descriptions are starting to feel quite good. I really appreciate the imagery.
Again, I'm just beating the dead horse, but plotting is such a key component here, especially for a dark fic such as this. However, it isn't entirely your fault for this fic. I mean, it was a challenge, and you had some SERIOUS constraints. So I applaud you for taking up the effort.
But then again, and I'm taking this from your profile, you don't plan too much ahead. I want you to get more creative! Your logic and string of events is sound, it's just more imagination could bring this story to life!
I'll be following.
| Synapses chapter 5 . 12/11/2013
Love this Hinata, though i must say that was a rather evil cliffhanger, you mustn't leave us waiting too long for the next chapter after something like that! This story is really good by the way, i respect your writing skills.
| Shadow Wolf 15846 chapter 5 . 12/11/2013
Nice really nice! I cant wait for the next chapter
| Infamous Storm chapter 4 . 12/9/2013
You need to work on your dialogue my friend...
It seems a little unnatural at times, specifically where one of the two guards just casually drops that he gave Iruka money to give Naruto ramen. It's like your manipulating the reader to like him.
Also, Teuchi... that last line was, again, a little over-the-top.
I understand this is fanfiction, and MANY, MANY are fairly manipulative, but yeah... don't do that.
It's the difference between feeling contrived and being compelling. And there's a fine line between the two.
That being said, I chuckle at your jokes. Kudos.
| Infamous Storm chapter 3 . 12/9/2013
Okay, forgive me for my asshole behavior, but seriously...
You did the classic: Naruto gets banished, becomes a badass (mostly through deus ex machina) and comes back and KICKS SUPER, SUPER ASSAGE! LU%#& PWNS! LIKE A BOSS!
That's why I felt instead of one chapter, you should have devoted a couple of chapters to his rise. The best example I can give is another fic called Amenaza. Although it does have its flaws, it does a great job of depicting Naruto's rise.