|Reviews for Because I Can|
| coffee0pot chapter 1 . 11/6/2014
This is a great opening to the story. Your hook is great; you instantly pull in your audience with a question. “Where’s Charlie?” I feel that after reading the chapter, the hook was a great introduction and gateway into the story. It was on point, interesting, and led to answers later on.
Your punctuation and use of italics to capture John’s thoughts are great. I would emphasize, especially towards the beginning of the story, that the story is from John’s point of view. As the chapter continues, you solidify this fact more, but the beginning POV feels scattered.
I think you do a brilliant job capturing the specific phrasing and tones of the voices of children. I think kids are a hard type to write, and you’ve created fascinating, unique children who pull you in with imagination and adorable actions; two things that I think should really define good, well written children. It’s obvious from your writing that Charlie is a spunky girl. It was so well written that indicating her spunk and “terror” in the summary of your story almost isn’t necessary!
The theme of the game of pirates when John gets home is adorable...
“Ahoy, Daddy!” The boy hugged him around the neck as best as he could, only to end up a squealing, dangling mess of child as his father rose.
...you nicely wrapped up this bit at the end by referencing the pirates in context with the barking dog. Nice touch.
Be careful with using words such as “we” and “you”...it fractures the use of John’s POV, as I mentioned above. Try to avoid using second person pronouns when writing a story that is from a third person point of view.
Oh yeah, and I LOVED the Hobbit reference. *tips hat*
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 1 . 11/28/2013
Here to drop off your mod review prize from the Green Room!
I love that you refer to John's children as being his "creations" and that you mention Molly watching Glee, which I thought was a nice touch incorporating a sense of the real world into the story by including another fandom. "Only to end up a squealing, dangling mass of child as his father rose" - I adore the wording of this phrase, except that "end up" sounds a little clumsy to me. "Become" instead, maybe?
Also love the humorous one-liners you've tossed in here-John's remark about having lower blood pressure if he didn't have children, the bastardization of the name Raynard, the GPS bit, etc etc. You also have sort of a genius way in subtly incorporating characterization into your humor that stood out to me in a couple of spots. I LOVE that Charlie calls her classmates "boorish," which was not only funny dialogue but also a great extension of your characterization of her as bookish (considering the advanced vocabulary she's using) and therefore a bit of a misfit. And Charlie's comparison of Sherlock to her classmates was hilarious, even just because in making it, you've pointed out that Sherlock is comparable to a child in the way he behaves. Both of those I thought were really brilliantly subtle characterization tactics.
Couple of minor grammatical kinks: commas go inside quotation marks, not outside, and if you have a quote-within-a-quote, you're technically supposed to use the character ' instead of " (i.e., "And then he said, 'I say this'"). In sentences where it's dialogue and the speaker addresses the person they're talking to by name, there should be a comma separating the name/term of endearment/whatever from the rest of the sentence ("What have you been doing, Ray?"). I'm also personally not a fan of the tildes before exclamation points that you used in a couple of places-I've only ever seen it before in snarky textspeak and terrible writing before, and seeing as this is neither (I'd actually say the writing is pretty great), it comes off as really jarring.
I REALLY enjoyed reading this, and I'm not at all normally a fan of fluff/humor, so seriously, hats off to you for this!
| ReadingStar chapter 1 . 9/27/2013
First of all, I just wanted to let you know that though I have read a couple of Sherlock Holmes books and watched a show on TV, I don't know much about the fandom.
Small things that I really liked in your fic:
“Ahoy Daddy” I really loved this line, because it sort of showed the side of Ray that wanted to be grown up (Ahoy) and the childish side (Daddy).
Charlie calling Sherlock Shirley was something that I found pretty humoruos :P
"Besides solving cases?”
"He thinks everything else is boring."
These two lines, I feel are a very good, but funny, description if Sherlock. Put together they fit his character so well... :)
Things I might change:
1)“-bullying her and another girl-” 2)“Tried to bully her anyway.” In the girst sentence, you end the word bully with ing. So the word try should also end with ing. Making it: “Trying to bully her anyway.”
“Idiots, aren't they?" Because you stop the flow of the dialog by describing Molly fidgeting, you should probably have a “said John,” or “he continued” after the senetnce.
Over all, I really enjoyed the fic :) and its a bit ironic that the first Sherlock fic that you wrote, is the first one I read :P The fic flowed really well too, something many fics miss out on. And of course, I sensed a bit of humour in the fic, and that really added to it.
Hope you write more fics on the fandom :)
| IsNotWhatTheyCallActive chapter 1 . 9/5/2013
Okay, let's get down to business. First of all, just for the sake of getting it over with, I'd like to address the criticisms I have with this story (don't you worry, the positives will come later). The most glaringly obvious criticism I have is towards the end of the story, Harry says “she'll be fine at high school." Since the characters in Sherlock are all British, they should be saying 'upper school' instead (I know, because I'm British myself). Also, is 'Harry' short for 'Harriet'? I remember reading the part where she gets introduced and immediately assuming she was a he, and so I got confused when the story started referring to a 'she', and thought that she may have been a different character. I'm assuming she's a canon character, so this may be down to me not being part of the target audience.
Also, in this line: '"Her animal books?" John raised an eyebrow. "What, she isn't allowed to read now?" Molly fidgeted. When she did that, it made his anger rise. "Idiots, aren't they?"', it gets a bit confusing towards the middle when it stops Watson's line to say that Molly fidgeted. When I read a story and it cuts a line to another character doing something, followed immediately by another line, I assume that the speaker has changed to the other character. In other words, it took me longer than it should to figure out that Watson was still talking. To amend this in the future, you could say 'John continued talking' or something like that after the other character's action.
That pretty much covers all the criticisms I have, at least without nitpicking. The rest of the story was particularly solid. I especially like stories that expand upon a major character's family and show them in a domestic environment, away from their usual adventures (again, because I'm unfamiliar with Sherlock, I don't know if this usually happens or not, but regardless). I felt that this story dealt with that quite well, what with Watson's exasperation dealing with his playful son yet playing along with it at the same time (the nautical-style dialogue was a nice touch) and his inner complaints about Charlotte's cheeky behaviour (the line 'I'm putting a GPS on this one as soon as I can.' was one of my favourites), as well as the annoyance at her school's naivete that's all too common in this country. For some reason, your writing style reminds me of my own, especially at the beginning, how you open the action right away with a line, followed by the context so we can learn more about that line. So, all in all, very good stuff, minus those three easily-rectifiable aspects up there.
PS: 'her mother enjoyed a good debate about Coronation Street, even now that it was off the air.' was particularly amusing, for it seems like the sort of thing I'd write. I can't stand soap operas. Unfortunately, it's still on the air, but maybe this line is a prediction of the future. I hope so. I'd rather Eastenders was cancelled, though. At least Corry has a few amusing moments hidden in there. Okay, I'll stop now.
| starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 8/12/2013
Warning: I know nothing of Edhla's universe, so please forgive me if I say something stupid :)
I really liked this, and I'm not usually a fan of Sherlock fics that break up John and Sherlock as a pairing.
[By "job", we of course mean taking care of Baker Street's resident childish adult, Sherlock Holmes.]
I laughed out loud when I read this part, because it's like nothing has changed at all even though it's obvious that everything has. And i think that's perfect as a characterisation of Sherlock, because I can see him being vehemently against any sort of change if he can be.
I love the entire mention of Ray as a pirate. Even though we don't see Sherlock's effect on him here as much as on Charlie, it's still obvious that the boy hasn't been completely shielded from our favourite caustic genius!
But Charlie. Charlie was a gorgeous character here.
You've kept her humanity and the best parts of John - the fact that she made the parents cry for bullying both her and another girl - but she's also got what I, at the very least, see as the best parts of Sherlock's character - his ability at deduction and his pure genius.
I feel bad for Greg - she's already able to stalk him without being noticed, I cannot imagine what will happen when she's finally old enough to trail behind Sherlock to crime scenes!
Again, this was lovely, and a brilliant first fic for Sherlock.
Well done! :)
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 8/10/2013
I really loved the simple story that you managed to create here. You had a beautiful narrator voice that kept the flow of the story nice and easy. I thought you had beautiful character voices and captured the essence of the characters (especially John) very well. I also appreciated the character of Charlie and really saw her as a female counterpart (and younger version of) to Holmes himself. I can even see how you were creating a contrasting the idea of Holmes being a man-child by utilizing a child character that tended to act more adult than Holmes. That was a brilliant touch (if that is what you were attempting to do of course). In all, I really loved the story and commend you on a job well done!
A few lines that I really loved:
((By "job", we of course mean taking care of Baker Street's resident childish adult, Sherlock Holmes.))-absolutely perfect description of Holmes. He is a man-child in so many ways, especially when bored or between cases, or just down in the doldrums.
((The ensuing pout from this last statement made him chuckle. Banana pudding was more important than anything. He could understand that when faced with a good shepherd's pie.))-I loved this small moment of father-son bonding fluff. It was just a beautifully poignant little moment where father and son connected.
((Probably have slightly lower blood pressure.
There was that.))-I love how you have John have an internal dialogue and then followed it with an 'answer.' It almost is like John is having an internal dialogue with the narrator of the story. Just brilliant.
(("Shirley does," Charlie said without missing a beat. Eleven-year-old cheek, the nerve of it.))-LoL! Oh I can imagine what Sherlock would look like, how he'd respond if he heard himself addressed as Shirley. Absolutely brilliant little piece of "cheek".
(("Sorry, mum." She kissed her on the cheek, pulling her hood over her head. "I'm gonna go, someone wants a dramatic reading of The Hobbit." She spun out the kitchen door with a giggle. "I'm going on an adventure!"
"That wasn't me," John called after her, even as his wife giggled. "Oh, not you too."
"S-Sorry John," she murmured. "You have to admit; you do look a bit like him."))-I love this little nod. Just hilarious. I could see them throwing a quip like this into the show. Nice touch!
A few minor critiques:
((Of course, Mycroft might not think so, but that was his loss.))-just remove the himself and the line becomes a bit more smooth.
((better to do." John was sure if))-Just need a space after the closing of the dialogue.
((Ray's copyrighted tantrums))-not sure what a copyrighted tantrum looks like but as I have seen epic ones, I would suggest maybe going with that as a description. Makes it more clear what you mean.
((John groaned. "We haven't hit middle school yet, Harry. Don't."
Harry grinned. "Aw... too soon."))-Okay, this just seems weird to me. I am going to correct it as I think you meant it, but correct me if I am wrong :)
My correction: (John groaned. "We haven't hit middle school yet, Harry."
Harry grinned. "High school will come all too soon my dear Watson.")-Again, correct me if I am reading it wrong :)
Again, I commend you on a job well done. This was a well written fic and I greatly enjoyed reading it. Awesome job!
| Kerlyssa chapter 1 . 7/22/2013
"He would have to make sure that happened as soon as possible."
| jack63kids chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
Great present fic. Great first Sherlock story - and I say first in the hope of more - please!
I love that she tracks Greg and that he doesn't see her. Shirly really is a good/bad influence, depending on your POV.
Couple of Anglicising points, but doesn't spoil a great story. I'd love to try Graham Crackers and they can probably get them in London, but they aren't English. Also we have secondary school or grammar school, not high school. Not vital, just interesting - if you are as boringly pedantic as I am. ;-D
Do hope that you write more in the Sherlock fandom. Really enjoyed this one.
| Lucy36 chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
I'm here because Edhla plugged your story and I must say... I'm so glad she did ! She's on my reading list, but your fic made me want to start with The Somerton Man. Great job, especially as I didn't know the background or some of the characters and they felt "real" to me.
| thats-a-moray chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
Haven't read very far into The Somerton Man yet, but I wanted to check this out anyway.
Charlie is so cute! I'm surprised she takes after Sherlock so much. I giggled when she called him Shirley.
Actually, come to think of it, she takes a bit more after her aunt Harry, at least as far as attitude goes. She defiantly picked up her observational skills from John and Sherlock too, I'm sure.
[Like that Harry was a fan of anything with enough snark and that her mother enjoyed a good debate about Coronation Street, even now that it was off the air.] To add a little more punch to this sentence, you could elaborate on 'enough snark.' Enough snark to what? :)
John makes a pretty sweet dad. I enjoyed watching him play with Ray. As difficult as children can be, I suppose John's experience handling Sherlock has prepared him for the experience. I also thought Ray pretending to be a pirate was adorable.
Overall, this was a really cute fic. I hope Edhla enjoys it as much as I did!
[There weren't many other things that cause John to feel the day is long, especially since he has to come home to his own creations.] that caused John to feel the day was long
[He'd never known her to be too uncomfortable with her job, she seemed to like it more than he liked his, really.] I think the first comma should be a semi-colon.
| darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
Hahaha...this was absolutely hilarious! How very cool of you to think of this. Anyway, I really love how precocious little Charlie is. And honestly, if I didn't know better, I'd swear she was the product of Harry and Sherlock, not John and Molly. LOL...it's almost too bad that Sherlock didn't appear in this story; I'd have loved to see how he relates to his little protege. Perhaps in the sequel? -hint, hint- :P Anyway, too funny about Charlie making the other parents nervous and giving them a lecture. And what an idiotic school system that she can't bring her books. I'd like to punch every one of those parents and the teachers. Ridiculous. Oh, and love Charlie's little brother. How cute and how ironic he's the easy one. :P But then there is always one that's a little...out of hand. LOL...and that Hobbit thing was hilarious! :P Harry's last line was the best. Very enjoyabel fic. I loved it. Well done. :)
Missing commas and things:
"What have you been doing Ray?"-"What have you been doing, Ray?"
"Ahoy Daddy!"-"Ahoy, Daddy!"
Thank you lad.-Thank you, lad.
"Arr!" His son assured him,-"Arr!" his son assured him,
"Sorry, mum."-"Sorry, Mum."
| Edhla chapter 1 . 6/20/2013
Oh my gosh, Aiko. IT'S A FANFIC OF A FANFIC AND I LOVE IT. :D
The dialogue had me in stitches, especially the exchange about The Hobbit. LOLFOREVER. :D And Raynard? PMSL, that is glorious. As is Charlie. As is this fic. :D (And yes, I am going to give you a real critique of something else than this now. But I love it. :D)