|Reviews for Endgame|
| TheBlackDuelist chapter 3 . 7/12/2013
Well here's my review for the review game :)
Since I haven't read your story, this is going to be difficult but i'll give it a whirl.
In the second paragraph, there is a missing quotation mark that needs to be completed. I've seen it happen a couple of times further down the read, so I would suggest going back and re editing it.
You have excellent descriptions and I enjoy reading your work of art. Your plot is a bit confusing at first when you don't know what's going on, but after I read through it a couple of times I started to get the idea. Sam, the human from the show from what I can remember is in an abandoned basement with Bumblebee watching a news report of war. Apparently in this setting, the american's and the Spetsnaz (I heard this from Call of Duty) are going at it, with them taking a hostage. (Feel free to correct me If I read it wrong).
So, how did you do with characters? Well, Sam displays the type of character how I would picture him as, except the idiots part seemed different though. Overall, I think you've created a great interpretation of what Sam would be like in your story.
Overall ,good work on this story, although there a times when reading your descriptions can get a bit daunting. This does not distract from the overall greatness that this story could have, if you just look over your work and remove some unnecessary words.
| Obversa chapter 2 . 6/22/2013
Second review after reading Chapter 1.
After reading the second chapter, I'll say there's a definite improvement in grammar and the flow of the story and sentencing overall; however, there are more things in this chapter that are confusing.
For example, "As he drove, he passed a small sign that said, "Welcome to Indiana".
I think I'm going to use my Visa card. Their hotel rewards program is interesting."
From my previous review, I mentioned confusion and lack of a setting depiction/description about what county or part of the world the first chapter's battle was taking place in. Now, moving from a hectic battle scene to one where Sam is trying to use a GPS to locate a hotel in Indiana, it's very confusing for me, as a reader, to make sense of it. Where is Sam? I assumed he was in Russia before, so if he was in Russia, how did he get from Russia to the United States and Indiana? Why is he looking for a hotel with Bumblebee?
Sam also mentions, "I think I'm going to use my Visa card. Their hotel rewards program is interesting." However, there is no mention of what hotel Sam has in mind. What hotel has a rewards program that is interesting? Why is Sam wanting to use his Visa card in particular? It feels like there's a gap in the story explaining the answers to these questions. Additionally, is Bumblebee in his Chevy Camaro form, his Transformer form, or another form? This is also explained and very confusing, trying to imagine what exactly is going on with the story, and make a sense of flow from one scene to another.
I also read in your story description, "Crossover of Orwell's 1984 and Transformers." If this is the case, the fandom should be listed specifically as a crossover, and not just "Transformers". No wonder readers might be confused! Readers may be looking for a specifically Transformers story, and thus, it's very perplexing to read a story that might not make sense, especially if they have not read Orwell's "1984". While a common perception is that listing a crossover story as "non-crossover" may garner more reviews, in the end, it may hinder your ability to get reviews, as readers wishing to read Transformers-only stories will be very confused as to what exactly is going on.
One suggestion I might add is to add more description and depiction, as well as explanations, to your story to help clear up some of this confusion, and help transition story scenes better. For example, describing the countries and locations, especially since this takes place across multiple countries, from my perception, and involves a wholly different world/dimension in the form of the robots from "1984". Integrating these aspects more seamlessly into your story will not only improve it, but also attract more readers and reviewers to your tale.
| Obversa chapter 1 . 6/22/2013
I'm not very adept with most of the Transformers material, aside from the Michael Bay movies, but I'll try to review your story as best as I can.
I'll start off with what I like about your story, along with how it can be improved. The dialogue is pretty good, though some editing could be used to add punctuation, mostly commas. However, as far as I can tell, most of the dialogue is solid, save for one line that sort of had me scratching my head: "Haha! I love it when they refuse to shoot at things that aren't directly in front of them, and prefer to shuffle around! Too bad they aren't as smart as their comrades!"
When I think of "comrades", it makes me think of Marx, communism, and Russian communists or Marxists, in particular, leading me to assume, as a reader, that the story is taking place somewhere in the USSR. If this story is taking place in America, then that sounds like a bit of odd dialogue for the average American soldier to be saying. Speaking of the setting, where exactly is the story taking place? You set the scene well for battle, but I'm unsure as to where exactly or what county you are setting the story in.
Another line that struck me as odd: "that oddly resembled the turrets in the game Portal". Instead of describing something as "like Portal", maybe try to write a different description of how it looks? Not everyone has played Portal or Portal 2, so that might leave some readers scratching their heads as to what you mean by that.
Overall, the first chapter isn't bad, but it could use some improvement. I'll start off by saying while it isn't horrible at all, a lot of the sentencing and structure could be looked over and edited, making simple sentences into more complex sentences that flow better. One technique to do this is to read your story aloud, pausing after each period before reading the next part, as well as reading the dialogue as it's written. If it sounds odd, that usually means it could use some editing.
You write battle scenes really well, but one tip from me would be not to write something as a number, i.e. "large 9 feet tall black infantry", but write the number as a word, i.e. "large, nine feet tall, black-colored infantry units". Also, some of the readers may not recognize types of war machines, guns, etc., so instead of saying "M2 Bradley IFV", try to say, "a large, green missile", or something describing the weapon being used, but without using the technical term for it. This keeps it generic and generalized enough so that readers who don't know weaponry can read the story and still recognize what you mean by a "M2 Bradley IFV".
| BeastRage the Hunter chapter 1 . 6/22/2013
Carjackers...*shakes head* Bee will have too much fun with this.
| Miles-tails-prowler chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
lol, go bumblebee!