|Reviews for Say goodbye to ya kneecaps, chucklehead!|
| MargieTheScout chapter 13 . 9/26/2013
| Running Lynx chapter 13 . 7/12/2013
This is an excellent excellent story! Very heartfelt. I couldn't stop reading this, and would have read it all night if I didn't get a windows update alert and hadn't accidentally clicked 'restart now' around 3am! xD This story has power :D
There are a few minor things that need to be fixed. I know what when you write NaNo, you just push on writing till the end. Now you need to go back and fix the spelling mistakes. It's years instead of ears, and you have some names mixed up, something like 'Engineer ordered Scout and Engineer to follow him.' xD It was clear from the context that Soldier was the one ordering them. Other than that, I felt that the pacing was too fast when Scout found out about the Engineer's robotic arm. You could have expanded it on a bit, slowly playing on Scout's shock, revealing one grotesque gesture at a time, and expanded on Engineer trying to explain and soothe, only for Scout to be overwhelmed, perhaps try to back off as engineer approached, and eventually flee. Play on the suspense!
One other thing that I noticed could be improved is chapter 1. I remember I had a hard time trying to get into it, but I am glad I persevered. The 2/3ds of Chapter 1 seems a bit scattered, with scout dying a bit too many times (or pointlessly?) , and I got confused about the Blu engineer commenting about Scout. Since Blu engineer's commentd are not that important, you can change it to make it sound even worse than what you currently have, something that makes Scout seem like an outcast and a failure to the team. You can make it seem like everyone on his own team undermines him and basically says that their team would be better off without him. The bit with blu heavy and medic tramping all over Scout was good. I suggest that you re-read chapter one, until his kneecaps get shattered, and condense it to get to that point of shattering faster, and also to show that his relationship with his own team isn't peachy.
Other than those suggestions, I got only praise! The description of scout's dying legs with the flies buzzing about sent shivers down my spine, as did the Medic and Engineer's conversation over who gets scout's body. The overall progression of the story is very good, with the slow but consistent improvement of Scout's mobility, first by dragging himself, then the wheelchair, then the walking legs, then the running blades. You've gone a very good job describing how scout mastered each stage, I could see it very clearly, and reading about it was insightful. I like the romantic progression too, it was very well done, both with Sniper and Engineer. I guess you can slow the pace of Sniper's confession if you want, to play on Scout's emotions from 'huh?' to 'oh crap' to 'this is really awkward, I don't know how to act around him' to scout frantically trying to let him down gently without loosing Sniper's friendship. You can give the confession scenes their due length and depth, since they have the most tension.
My overall impression of this story is as well progressed very well done story. I say I am very glad you did this NaNo and I enjoyed reading this entry very much. But do something to cut the slow lengthy prose in beginning of this story to make it more grabbing, perhaps have Blu scout outrun the Red Scout, only to be annihilated by the Red scout (perhaps Red did something dirty to get the upper hand) to cast the Red scout as the #1 villain.
Once again, thank you for your wonderful writing. I feel that the reading hours I put into this were well spent! :)
| NightStar321 chapter 5 . 6/29/2013
Oh Sniper, opening up to Scout was the last thing I expected you to do. XD
| nyanya chapter 4 . 6/29/2013
The story's pretty intense and it has a good story though a few grammar and spelling mistakes
and whoaa that was pretty heartless of the RED's until now oO i hope you add new chapters soon
| NightStar321 chapter 4 . 6/28/2013
There's one thing I don't understand, though. Can't Scout just kill himself and respawn with his legs back to normal? Am I missing something?
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/27/2013
You need to work on your grammar. You randomly capitalize words that don't need to be capitalized (i.e. "the Boy") and the dialogue is a little over-the-top and campy. It's like a Spaghetti Western. And on the note of "the boy", you refer to Scout as "the boy" a little too much, creating the illusion that he is a child. It's ok if the older mercs refer to him as such as a means of talking down to him, but you, as the writer, should keep in mind that Scout is a very capable adult. Stop referring to him as a "boy" so much. Good luck with the rest of your story.
| NightStar321 chapter 2 . 6/26/2013
Medic, you are sick! You-you...I don't know what to say. You REDs are heartless, damn it, he's just a boy! D:
God, you write really well, albeit there are some spelling mistakes. It's really descriptive and it makes me shudder to think of Scout's torture. I'm all spooked out. Keep goin'! :)
| NightStar321 chapter 1 . 6/25/2013
Oh my God...poor Scout! Stupid REDs, why can't they just make him respawn already...
Anyway, please post the next chapter soon! :D