|Reviews for Return of the Hunter|
| Twisted List chapter 1 . 5/15/2014
Hiya! I like the flow of the first two chapters, it doesn't seem to be going that fast! It's a nice decent speed - but I did, however, notice a few things with your writing.
1. You have a plethora of Run-ons.
You are too eager to use comas instead of using a period.
Ex 1. - "Don't worry about it Hunter J. Your ship was recovered and so were your Pokémon, your crew on the other hand was not so lucky, but by the end of the day everything should be ready for your departure including crew. And call me, Giovanni."
Holy cow, that's a mouthful! :o!
You should work on using periods because your character's thoughts/dialogue are merging together in one messy hosh-posh of a sentence - and it's really quite hard to read if you're trying to absorb all the details.
How I would do it:
"Don't worry about it, Hunter J. Your ship was recovered with your Pokémon as well - your crew wasn't as fortunate though. But by the end of the day everything should be ready for your departure - including a new crew," Giovanni said as he extended his hand across the table which I readily accepted.
"And call me Giovanni."
See how the periods separate each thought into it's own sentence? It just sounds better and flows easier. If you're wondering why I used the dashes [ - ] it's because, well, they're a fail safe. You can use dashes for any type of punctuation - though I wouldn't abuse them all the time. I use them to add intensity to something. Like in my example above when I mentioned the crew and how they didn't survive the crash.
Makes it a bit more dramatic to me, I guess.
2. Your story is heavy with dialogue.
I know a good story can be told with dialogue but it leaves it a little dry when trying to get the reader to imagine what is going on. When people read, they wanna be able to imagine and see what you, the writer/author, saw when you wrote the chapter.
It's good to have dialogue but don't be afraid to diverge into thoughts or actions of what people are doing. I'll show you an example from my one story, "Ending of a King's Reign".
Green stood up and shook his head. Red, cocking an eyebrow, was about to ask Green what was wrong but wasn't able too.
"Gotta take a piss!" Green mumbled out as he scurried up the stairs in into the bathroom. Green sighed and stared at his reflection. His face was blotchy with red marks and his eyes were watery. He didn't get why he reacted like this to chick flicks - hell, he didn't get why he reacted the way he did to a lot of things.
Green shook his head and slid down the door and plopped down onto the bathroom floor. He didn't like to show his emotions in front of Red and wasn't sure he'd ever be comfortable with allowing Red to see his emotions in full swing - especially if he's crying over a fictional movie.
Green stared up at the ceiling and felt himself start to doze off until someone knocked on the door. Green jumped and held in his scream. He didn't want to alert whoever was at the bathroom door knocking.
"Green, are you okay? You've been in the bathroom for quite a while," Red shouted through the door in a worried tone. Green cleared his throat.
"I-I'm fine! Just, uh, getting ready to take a shower actually!" Green forced out in an attempt to drive Red off. Red sighed and jingled the door handle.
You can see I have them speaking to each other [Red and Green] but also see that I've also written down Green's thoughts/ though process as well. It allows the reader to connect to Green on another level - they basically are allowed to see why Green feels a certain why and how he handles it. It's that breath of life all characters need.
You can also see that I wrote in how Red reacted to Green. He had a worried tone and kept persisting on getting Green to let him in by jingling the door knob continuously. This, again, gives Red another layer/level to him which allows the readers to connect with him.
Anyways, I like the story idea; all you need to do is fine tune some things and it'll be perfect! but if you need help feel free to ask! I'll be more than willingly to beta or even just offer some writing advice. We're all on this site to because better writers and to better each other! :)
You have a fantastic day/night! :)
| Doctor-River chapter 1 . 9/17/2013
Yay, a fellow J/Giovanni shipper! (Well, I ship J with several other people too) I'm really intrigued as to how this will all work out because J was so independent in the anime and now working with Giovanni just engages me more. I really can't wait to see how you'll go about the actual shipping and character background development. I hope to read more soon :)
| MiniMeani chapter 6 . 8/18/2013
Heh, so fanfics have fillers, too? xD just kidding. So far, I like your story. Go evil people :3 except of proton, he annoys me.
I also like all the references to either the game or the manga. keep it up!
| hunter G chapter 4 . 7/1/2013
| hunter G chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
This is AWESOME! In my opinion the villians are the only thing pokemon got right.
| hunter G chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
This is AWESOME! You're going to continue this, right?
| Y-ko chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
There's a ship for Hunter J/Giovanni? Jesus. Well, maybe I could see it.