|Reviews for Same Suit, Different Day|
| Sharrukin chapter 2 . 8/31/2013
Another short chapter, kicking off the plot with Garrus's first arrival on the job. Again, the chapter does what it needs to do in a workmanlike fashion. Fits the noir style you're aiming for. I find myself liking your Garrus, but the original characters are cool too - I think I'm going to like Gil. A fashion-sensitive salarian cop - not what I would have expected :-).
Prose style is a little rough. One thing you might watch for is repeated words. It's often easy to repeat yourself in the same sentence or too close together in the paragraph, especially when you're writing a descriptive passage. For example:
"He wanted to live by the means his actions afforded him, make a name for himself instead of using 'the great Vakarian name' as a means to privilege." "Means" twice.
"Rapidly making his way to the entryway of the colossal academy, his eyes still absorbing the magnificence of the giant structure, Garrus took note of the revolving entryway to the Academy." "Academy" twice.
Best thing I can suggest for that is to fall into a cycle of re-reading your prose a sentence or two back while you write - one of the things you can look for while you're doing that is word repetition. The read-back habit tends to break up the flow of prose - it takes a lot of practice to keep your train of thought while you're doing that - but that very fact makes it easier to spot little nits like that.
Overall a solid chapter. Keep at it.
| The Outlander chapter 2 . 8/31/2013
This was a transitional chapter in every meaning of the word, but it does its job, and that is prepare us for what's to come. The atmosphere is still really vivid, and the 'narrator's voice', let's call it, is a great guide throughout the chapter. Maybe cut down on the adverbs a little bit, but other than that I don't have much criticism in terms of your writing.
Gilbert certainly has potential as a partner for Garrus, and I'm looking forward to how their philosophies will clash, or maybe how they will be a great team! Who knows? Well, you do, but I'm looking forward to finding out!
| Lady Amiee chapter 6 . 8/28/2013
Another great chapter!
"What's that?" Inquired Garrus, peering over the human's shoulder.*** No cap on the I.
"Right, but with less power per shot; this way, I don't have to worry about overheating due to high firepower. It side-steps the issue. Normally one shot would short out the whole clip, and I'd have to wait to fire again. Alliance telemetry data suggests that firefights are won by the side that can maintain a constant rate of fire for extended periods of time. I don't have to wait to cool down because I've tricked the gun out so much, and I get massive stopping power for each shot." He finally pivoted to face the turian.*** This could do with breaking up, maybe have an action in the the middle? So it's not a huge wall of speech.
With a groan, Garrus jogged up to McCauley,*** He's jogging next to a with?
So, brilliant work, another look into the mind of Garrus. I love how you write him, it's brilliant. A few technical errors, with's were's and adverbs, as well as some commas missing and some being replaced with periods for speech tags. Other than that, it's well written nicely paced and fun to read, well done honey.!
| Mr.Vaz chapter 1 . 8/25/2013
Young(er) Garrus, eh? His relative youthfulness does shine through here with his actions. Nice little detail with him being a part of the system, in his own way. I'm curious about how he matures (or doesn't) at this point.
Descriptions were done well, and I didn't see anything that needed correcting on the grammar/spelling front.
| bluekrishna chapter 2 . 8/23/2013
lol, i read this with that whole old radio show cadence. was fully expecting someone to say, 'schweetheart'. and that Gil guy seems a bit too...invested, if you catch my drift. haha. anyway, like the direction this is going. it's shaping up to be very interesting. and while the language is teasingly noir, i think you could push the envelope a bit more. colder, bleaker. give us some gallow's humor gilded with brutality. no matter though. it's written pretty well with nary a hiccup in delivery. kudos!
| Aeternix chapter 1 . 8/23/2013
"'Today is not going to go well.'"
I always love when mystery and crime get involved in the Mass Effect Universe. It's something I think fits beautifully with canon, especially when C-Sec is involved. However, the chapter was quite short and didn't allow much opinion or insight on what the story has to tell.
What is excellent is the hook you gave in this opening chapter. Right off the bat, the juxtaposing views of a sly, con-man Garrus and the audience's pre-conceived notions of his more 'noble' attributes is a bold and fascinating move. You do not fall in the territory that the character does not sound like the game (you actually capture Garrus's cynicism and dry wit quite well) and so the audience can accept these changes. He's young, he's confused, and he's trying to find his place in the world. For a dillusions Garrus, you write him very well.
Description was quite good as well as the sentence structure and narrative. A keen use of sarcasm helped move the piece along (adding to that cynicism) though I could not detect anything else that stuck out. I guess my biggest issue is that it's short. However, I want to read more and the brief glimpse into the story is much better than drowning the audience in exposition off the bat.
Overall, a well done opening chapter that I really have no pressing issues with. I'll be looking forward to reading more, especially since a cynical Garrus and a detective styled crime story are something I really love (especially when the are combined).
| Kendoka Girl chapter 3 . 8/22/2013
Nice crime drama. The briefing was a good way to introduce the upcoming plot. There is a good set of characters with distinct personalities and they interact well. The scene with Garrus staring was very cute. :)
The first sentence had me just a bit confused -
After several embarrassing minutes of wandering around the C-Sec lobby, an asari matron - a detective, Garrus was informed by the badge on her belt - took pity on the confused turian.
This is a fun story with a less travelled theme (doing a crime drama).
| Joryn282 chapter 2 . 8/21/2013
Good chapter. Only a couple of things here and there out of place but other than that well done. I look forward to reading more. Gilbert was an interesting name for a salarian.
"He wanted live by the means his actions afforded him..." needs a "to" before "live".
| Kendoka Girl chapter 2 . 8/13/2013
Nice look at Garrus as a rookie. I like the plot line of him partnering up and becoming an investigator. I also like the detail that you put into the armor and weapons. My only pointout would be in the show rather than tell department of showing how Gil is a smartass.
Nicely done. I'm enjoying this story.
| Church -Caboose- Shepard chapter 1 . 8/9/2013
Glad I was finally able to tag you, this story is very good. I think you were trying to go for an LA Noir feel here and you succeeded. I'm looking forward to what cop drama you are able to bring into C-Sec. The only problem I really have here is the length, normally the bare minimum for me is 1k. This is far less than that but you were able to do well with what was here.
Church "Caboose" Shepard
| Kendoka Girl chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
Nice beginning. I like the descriptions of Garrus and his other as well as the setting. There was good insight into his character and why he was doing what he was doing.
Tiny pointout (I do the same thing) - consistancy on caps for Spectre. My only other thing is that I found myself wanting a little bit more on the setting and what put Garrus in that situation.
Good start :)
| Draws-With-Words chapter 1 . 8/3/2013
The realization the Garrus was posing at Nihlus got an instant chuckle from me. I thought that was funny. This also is something we don't typically see out of Garrus in the games, or in other fan-fiction even. The idea just seems fresh and interesting, what if Garrus isn't a goody-two and has his vices like an actual person?
Your writing style is decent enough, but overall I just really dig the atmosphere you've set up for and how he obviously enjoys some extra curricular activity, but also has a clear and defined purpose.
Well done, I look forward to more.
| MizDirected chapter 2 . 8/1/2013
Your writing is much cleaner and polished in this chapter than the other one was prior to your excellent rewrite. Garrus continues letting us in on who he is and what he's about. Gil looks like he will be interesting to get to know. Overall, a solid, entertaining chapter.
Just a few things I noticed as I read through:
* *By now, he had reached the shuttle station, and with a quick credit transfer on his omni-tool he was on-board and heading to work - this switches to present tense at the beginning. It would be fine saying: He reached the shuttle station and after a quick credit transfer via his onmi-tool, he boarded. I left out the work part because we already know that is where he is headed.
* *hopping off of the small transport vessel and landing with a small thud.- uses small twice in close proximity
* *Revolving-door prisons, he thought, Joram Talid was right after all. - just made me wonder if the Academy is a prison.
* *"Oh, the rookie. Over there." - Rookies aren't usually detectives. They are regular officers, then work their way up to detective.
* * briskly paced - you use paced a lot for walking. Might want to switch it up a bit. In this case, strode works because it is a very active, aggressive sort of walk, thus eliminating the need for the adverb.
* *As Garrus signed the papers, the salarian extended his free arm with a pleasant smile - seems odd that he didn't pause to look at them, introduce himself... anything, just leaped right into signing strange paperwork.
There really doesn't need to be a break between his getting his gear and the rest. They could actually talk on the way and we could get to know them a little better. Just feels rushed through this whole part where he meets his new partner.
Final Thoughts: A much more polished chapter. I like Gil. They should be an interesting pair to watch. Great work. Thanks for sharing.
| skwishface chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
I really, really dig the noir tone of this. Seriously. I need someone over at DeviantArt to pick up this story and draw Garrus Vakarian in a fedora and long overcoat, smoking a cheap cigarette on a rainy night in the flickering glow of a streetlamp. ... See what you did? You went and INSPIRED ME. Seriously - you have a good grasp of the noir artistry and you convey it well.
A few notes ...
This sentence is either incomplete, or needs the word "and" and its related comma removed: "His gaze ventured to the window over his bed, and as he stared out at the Zakera ward skyline punctuated by the purple glare of the Widow nebula."
"wretched hive" of scum and villainy? This made me smile.
He appears to be sitting at a table ("and settled down at the small table in the centre of the room") but then the alarm goes off and he's maybe in bed? ("The irritating noise had not gone unnoticed. Sounds of rustling covers came from behind him as his stare snapped onto the other side of his bed.") I like him being in the bed for the morning-after awkwardness, so maybe change the table bit?
... He's pretending to be Nihlus? BWA-hahahaha! Gorgeous. However! You might want to establish that this character is Garrus prior to the line referring to him as Nihlus. Or not! Up to you.
"I'll have to bring this up at the tenants' committee meeting, he remarked," ... is he speaking aloud? If so, then keep "remarked". If not, change it to something internal like "thought".
This right here? This is magnificent. Change nothing. - "In the Zakera ward, there were thousands of apartment blocks like his: high rise and low cost; dingy rooms with poor lighting; hostile inhabitants and more than one crime scene under investigation. The hallways had a permanent coating of grime, and the lingering stench of a dead body behind a locked door convinced most to keep walking before they became a witness – or worse – a statistic."
| Lady Amiee chapter 5 . 7/31/2013
Good chap, love Garrus' thoughts, they make me smile. He's gonna be a bad guy? I kinda love that image of him and I don't know why. Some little nit picks, eg using Caps for speech instead of an exclamation mark, it's more of a comedy thing for me and distracts in serious situations. Other than that, I'm enjoying this a lot. It's a fun fic, with solid dialogue and clean prose. Well done, look forward to the next chapter.