Reviews for The Kirita Chronicles
Bumblebee Madness chapter 1 . 4/13
I'm sorry, but I really can't read through all this. You're clearly very detail orientated, and the type to flesh blackgrounds out very much, but I feel like there's too much details. A lot of the dialogue is kinda awkward, to the point where it's unrealistic.

I really like the idea of genderbent characters from SAO, but the way you portrayed it doesn't appeal to me. Again, sorry. I'm sure lots of other people enjoy your story though.
Mysterious1221 chapter 4 . 3/31
10/10 this is the best i like it Because the chapters are long and that is good the longer the better :)
Spottedstalker chapter 2 . 3/27
Dear Knowledge seeker,
I love chapter 2 as well. However, It again seems rather long and slightly dry at the end. (not that that's a bad thing) I think you did a good job introducing characters. Also, the POV changes should have a more obvious signal, such as...
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or anything else you could think of(this is just a recommendation)
However, I have seen many stories work without paragraph/POV breaks, and your's works extremely well as it is.
Finally, Chapter length.
I love chapters this long during the summer, however, other's may find it an inconvenience. Just though you might want to know.
P.S.
I PMed you the last part of the chapter one review. So go check that out if you can.
Spottedstalker.
Spottedstalker chapter 1 . 3/26
Dear Knowledge:
This is my around a quarter of a chapter review, do to the fact I am pressed for time.
I love the opening of the Kirita Chronicles more than I did before. Before, I was unable to appreciate that you set the scene for the whole story right here, in the first quarter of the chapter. And you continued it further into the chapter by making Kazuta's Adoption hard to do. Will do another review on this chapter. BYE
Guest chapter 7 . 3/23
I really love this idea for a story.
I hope you continue with it to the end.
raisins2011 chapter 10 . 3/8
Sorry for another post (this is a note for the Chapter 11 review btw, I guess I can only post 1 review per chapter) but it seems hyperlinks were eaten by the review posting system and I don't know how to edit posts and I can't reply to myself so...

Anyhow, they were just to some random grammar websites on sentence structure/some grammar terms so they're not that important.

Thanks again for the story!
raisins2011 chapter 11 . 3/8
This is my first review so sorry if it’s not really clear/excessively wordy…

After powering through 11 chapters of "The Kirita Chronicles" (I think I finished within a span of 2-3 days T_T now I’ll feel empty until the next update comes out), I can easily say that this is one of the most in-depth and immersive fanfics I've read (albeit I am a relatively new member of the community and . The characters are well thought out, given depth in their background stories and justification for their actions. Admittedly, I enjoy fluffy stories so it was stressful and nerve racking to read through the conflicts and the rising power of the villains, but that's what makes a story interesting and memorable. I think I can easily say that all the characters in your story are more multifaceted compared to the canon ones (I think Reki Kawahra even admitted that Kirito was too perfect of a character in one of his interview… don’t quote me on that though). I’ll admit I wasn't completely sold on some of the genderbending, but that’ just me wanting to stick to the canon and reading so many conflicting fanfics recently (I need to get a life….).

In terms of grammar and writing style, I won't give any critiques about grammar since the vast majority of the text is fine and given the length of the text and the obvious amount of work you've put into the story make a minor mistake here or there negligible. (Also I was lazy and didn't make any notes while reading through but :P maybe I'll make a list of potential corrections some other time or for a future chapter.)

Also while your descriptions are detailed, sometimes you reiterate things by describing something directly when it could be shown through more passive description. Here’s one example: (I’m using “/” to delimitate quotes since idk how much formatting you can put into reviews)
/ After the wolf fang materialized, she held it to get a closer inspection of it. **The edge of the fang was sharp.** Even though she was in a 'safe zone,' Kirita did not feel like testing how the fang's edge felt. /
In this case the third sentence already demonstrates that the edge of the fang is sharp through implied description which makes the sentence delimitated by asterisks unnecessary.

Similarly this repetition of ideas also occurs when a character’ thoughts are spelled out for the reader. Often I found that a character’s thoughts would be immediately carried out through their actions:
/ Before turning in for the night, Kirita received a message from Argo. "I wonder what this could be." Kirita quickly read through the message and thought, "That sounds like a very interesting idea Argo. It might work if he actually goes along with that idea. However, I wonder if I can really trust that player. I only met him once during the Beta Test and we weren't exactly shaking hands."
After taking all that into consideration, Kirita decided, "I guess beggars can't be choosers. If Argo seems to have confidence that this player might be willing to help, I guess I'll take that chance if it means we have a chance to fight the second boss battle. However, I should see if Akio is up for it. I'll ask him about it tomorrow. For now, I'll just let Argo know that I'm interested and tell him that I still need to find out if Akio would be interested as well." She sent her response to Argo before going to sleep. /
This passage of Kirita’s thoughts could easily be implied through actions, which would make the scene more concise and less repetitive. Example:
/ Before turning in for the night, Kirita received a message from Argo. "I wonder what this could be." Kirita quickly read through the message and closed her eyes and mused over the offer thinking “I guess this could work…” After a moment, she glanced at her side, about to ask Akio his thoughts about the proposal, but as he wasn’t there, Kirita shrugged and responded to Argo expressing her potential interest before going to sleep. /

On a more mechanical note, after a while I did notice that your sentence structure becomes repetitive as a majority of the sentences are simple/simple compound [Subject]{Predicate} (sorry my formal training in grammar is basically noexistant… why am I giving grammar advice?!). Here’s an example:
“[Kirita] {got up} and {sat at the edge of the bed}. [She] {activated her menu to look through her inventory.} [She] {decided that she wanted to get a better look at the wolf fang that she won earlier.} [Kirita] {selected the item on her inventory}, and [the wolf fang] {began to materialize in her right hand.}”
Potential rewrite:
“Kiritia got up and sat at the edge of the bed. Activating her menu, she selected the wolf fang she had won earlier and watched it materialize in her right hand.”
Basically this add more variety as well as making the description more concise as the fact that she wanted to get a better look at the fang can be inferred from her actions.

As for style, it's clear that you've put a lot of detail into the story. I don't mind the length of the chapters, however, as other users (e.g. tati1 in a review for chapter 3) have mention, there are a lot of long direct passages that basically list characters and what feels like a Wikipedia summary of their history. (tbh I really started noticing these things after reading tati1’s review but as they say “what is seen cannot be unseen”).

I like this idea of providing context for character's motives and actions, but to an extent it leaves too little to the imagination. I guess since this fanfic was kinda written with the intent to fill in gaps in the canon’s background, the bios and flashbacks make sense but after a while I basically started skimming past the bios and flashbacks.

Honestly I’m not much of a writer myself so I feel bad trying to push on others what I’m unable to do myself but I guess since you asked for critique I can give it? But I will say that even without changing you current style of writing, I will definitely be following the rest of the story. The plot and characters of any story are really the core components that make or break a story and those parts are solid in “The Kirita Chronicles.” As long as the mechanics and styling are not complete and utter trash (and they are definitely not in your fanfic), they really are just icing on the cake that add an extra bit of professionalism and smoothness that make the reading experience a bit more enjoyable. But if that gets in the way of creating the story, I totally understand where the priorities lie. Keep up the good work and thx for reading this review!

Some miscellaneous references:
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. (I probably should have looked into this a bit more for my own good but nobody has time for perfect grammar… right?)

How is this a 1000 word review…. What am I doing with my life….
Cindy chapter 11 . 2/25
please keep writing!
Echo0100 chapter 11 . 2/19
I really have enjoyed reading this story so far, especially because it differs so much from canon. I really love how you created so much in depth information on each of the characters, Knowing so much more information about them makes you think differently about them, also allowing them to show up so early in the story makes it easier to see them as more important characters, instead of just random characters that get a few lines just so they can be killed or something like some of the characters in the original SAO. like Griselda (sorry if I spelled her name wrong), Griselda wasn't even given a single line in the anime! She was specifically created just so she could be killed. But in this story she at least gets some lines in which automatically makes her seem way more important.

By the way also could go into how much I love Kiritas' personality but that may just end up being its own review sometime, Because I really like Kirita in general so far.
amerdism chapter 11 . 2/19
Awesome, so will Kirita ever stop stuttering to guys entirely and stop wearing the cloaks and masks, as well as wearing the daring outfit she had designed for her from z3phyra on deviantart, will she be captured by sugou instead of Akio and since she'll be wearing that daring outfit publicly I assume she stops becoming embarrassed so easily. I'd love to see people IRL be payed back for isolating and bullying Kirita. Anyway I hope to see more soon.
AbyssAlyss1 chapter 6 . 2/14
Dear Knowledgeseeker66-san,

Ok, a Valentines Day review as you asked, that is if it's still Valentines Day over there on your side of the screen, it's still Valentines Day here, so yeah. Shall we get on with the review?

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So the reveal of how Kirita found out that she's adopted and spoke about it to her 'mother' is done as a dream. I. Loved. Every. Sentence. In. This. It's just how I wanted it to be, though not how I imagined it. Funny, huh? A person who I don't even know personally wrote something better than how I imagined it, and exactly how I wished it to be.

Kirita's regret, I loved it. Her regret of this mistake of hers make her more human, more of a person, more real, at least for me. We all have different opinions after all, right?

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Agheta is adorable, case and point. Shame that Kirita is still acting like a boy, but it's her choice not mine.

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It's true though. The fact that the NPC's are many of times are more human than the actual humans. I'd honestly trust an NPC more than a person if I were in SAO, wouldn't you? Humans are deceitful creature who often crave conflict, lie, cheat, fight, hate, judge, shun, etc. If they see a person who seems even a little bit closer to 'perfection' than they are they will start looking for a flaw to bring the person to their knees, spread rumors to break them, bully them till they might even consider suicide, of course not all people are like this but many are, even if not to this extent.

I think the fact that you described the period when Kirita was unable to move was a great idea. In the anime this was only mentioned once, and only shown to us in a picture, a memory of some sort. A still memory, nothing much given away through it, no feelings, no nothing. We don't even see the main characters in this state, only background ones, it gives the illusion of thinking "Maybe they didn't even go through it?". But of course that is only until you give it more thought.

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You know, I always liked Klein. He needs more attention, maybe a potential love interest that doesn't turn out to be a dude. His guild Fuurinkazan is cool also, I appreciate their teamwork. The way they help Agil shows their closeness, also seeing exactly how they met is a nice bonus.

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Silicia will always be an adorable little sister figure to me. Is there a trope for that on TVTropes? It would work well, something like 'Naive little sister' or something similar.

Interestingly enough for a moment there I actually LIKED Rosalia, until she turned back to her usual self that is.

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I always liked Sasha, even though we didn't get to know her very well, I felt that she was a kind soul, a noble and kind soul. She helped the children who needed her help, that is a person who I'd want as a mother or as a elder sister!
The second I read the name Sachiko though, I felt myself shiver. Have you ever heard of something called 'Corpse Party'? Let's just say the Sachiko in there was also a young girl, but a very unfortunate one at that.

Also some Japanesse culture thrown in there. Nice. Good story, great characters and we learn a little something as well. ;)

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K, the introduction of Argo, who has a proposition for Sasha. Alright, let's see this character while I also listen to 'Shot in the Dark'.

'After reading the the scene I notice myself thinking "Well, he's not so bad!" And then I think again "But we've just met him, so I'll refrain from liking him until I know I can trust him, but so far I like him." Ending my thoughts with an unconscious nod'.

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More of the little known Grimlock and Griselda, the married couple who broke to peaces because Grimlock is an idiot. It also shows how much Griselada loved her husband, shame really, that she was murdered by him and all.

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Yui. Yui. Yui. Yui. Yui. Yui. I love Yui. She is an adorable daughter. Yui. Yui. Yui. You need to get a physical body! I don't care about the government! She's just so...human. And sweet. And nice. And caring. And loving. And emotional. And strong. And gutsy. And...so very...human.

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Akio is back! Yay! And such a cute scene with young Kirita as well! Kawaii. And just like in the anime I still don't really like Asunas or in this case Akios parents. And I probably will never truly like them, but oh well. And the meeting with the older Kirita, loved it. I'm a big fan of moments similar to these, probably could tell as well.

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We meet characters again, though we've seen them before, but not too much. I've got nothing much to say about it I guess...sorry... . Or the next, or the few after itnow that I think about it, they seem slightly filler-ish to me but not entirely filler...I'm really sorry...

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Well, I've got nothing much to say other than the fact that the meeting between Argo and Akio is nice, oh and the fact that you tell us who arrive at The Village of Horunka but otherwise nothing...

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We're in the real world, with Suguha! Poor Suguha...she loves her sister so very much after all. The conversation between Suguha and her mother is so very nice, I adored it!

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Ok, I know I know I didn't talk about every scene, I've explained why earlier why, and I'm sorry once again.

...actually the reason why I haven't responded is because...well...I'm ashamed of myself. I made a promise and I failed to keep it. How could I not keep a promise as simple as writing a few reviews?! Because I'm an idiot that's why! It's not like it's as hard as writing the chapter! It sure as hell isn't as time consuming! I'm just really ashamed, a promise is ment to be kept, not broken. Even one like this needs to be kept...I'm really sorry... .

With regrets, Alyss.
DistantWhite chapter 11 . 1/24
Let me just say this. This story is so damn amazing! I just love how you solidified all the twists you made with solid background info. I can't really come up with words to describe what I felt as I was reading your story. All I can say is, if I stumbled across this story before Original, I would have thought that your work is actual original one. The plots are a little bit too extreme is what I feel but, hey I'm only a reader. What do I got to complain when the story and setting are amazing and strongly built to justify current plots. I am truly thankful that you're writing this fanfic. it is quite the shame that this is only a fanfic. I believe that this work should be well beyond fanfic. I know that this is only a comment and I can't really do anything to actively support you Other than type up couple of sentences to attempt to show appreciation and amazement. But please, continue to grace the readers with this amazing piece. again, thank you for writing this wonderful fanfic that goes above and beyond.
TJ the Nerd chapter 1 . 1/19
This is awesome. I love how long and detailed the chapters are! Amazing attention to detail!
Guest chapter 11 . 1/19
good story. but you put too much author notes in when comparing to every other story there is out there. by the looks of things the authors notes and omake would make up to 150 words at most.
Kiyometa chapter 4 . 12/30/2014
Hello,

I'm sorry to say that I don't really feel like finishing your story. I can tell that you are a fairly detail oriented writer and you have certainly accomplished that, but unfortunately, even though I have tried to stick with it, your story was unable to hold my interest.
I felt as if you spent too much time jumping around to all these various characters which you seem to have plans on, trying to set the stage so to speak. To put things in perspective, you have made a 60,000 word prelude. Perhaps an idea would be to set these up as flashbacks further in the story, or more importantly shorten it.
Your trying to set up these characters so much, but also wrote like your reporting on them rather than showing their character. Probably what draws me in to a story the most is liking the protagonist, whether its his/her spunk, attitude, unique perspective, or fantastic sense of humor, if I like the main character, and it focuses on them, I'll continue to read because the author has drawn me in to the world as viewed by this character.
I have read a few published books which jump perspectives regularly, but it is maybe twice a chapter at most, you are jumped around constantly to where I don't feel like I'm ever having enough time to get emotionally involved in a situation. During the chapter where you were talking about Kazuta and her interaction with her cousin and aunt, I was actually starting to be drawn in, but then you had the chapter where you had these introduction scenes with all these characters that had nothing to do with the main plot of story as far as I can tell.

I don't mean to flame if that is what it seems like, I think you have great potential, and your writing style might even get better the further into the story, but my interest has been lost. I hope that in my rambling you have found some criticism that is constructive.

Sincerely,
J Walker
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